I love the Emerald, and not just because they took Tgraf off our hands. Seriously, their news rules. Like this baby, appearing in todays issue, in which we learn of a sudden increase in on-campus toking. At first I thought this was just another “DPS much more effective since getting the power to issue citations” pieces that have appeared recently in the ‘Ol Dirty, but oh no. Instead, we are taken inside the seamy world of marijuana smokers, and the valiant defence waged by DPS against this menace.
It turns out, that DPS’s new power is not responsible for the spike in “pot busts,” it’s fact that more people are smoking marijuana more than ever before. With 46 “busts” already this term, DPS Top “Cop” Tom Hicks admitted a crisis, saying “The marijuana use is off the charts.” Apparently, DPS logs tell the Emerald that most of the reported use happens at Hayward Field and Hamilton Complex. It’s hard to tell if this is a joke or not… let me just say, surely this is not where the majority of this behavior actually happens.
One of the best insights into the clouded mind of the marijuana smoker comes from the enigmatically identified “University Officials.” “If toking up with friends becomes habitual in high school, the behavior tends to continue into college, where students live without parents’ noses sniffing in their business,” said the incognito administrator(s), who may well have followed up with “that’s where we come in.”
Several University officials actually went on the record, and upon reading the story probably wished they hadn’t. “Tobacco-fighting efforts geared toward teens may now be escalating teen pot smoking” is what Director of Student Life. Laura Blake Jones, reportedly said, apparently with no accompanying evidence. Michael Eyster, Interim Vice President for Student Affairs is quoted as saying that he doesn’t know if the movie “Animal House,” which depicts rambunctious college behavior partially filmed on the University campus, influenced students’ perceptions of the University’s party scene, but that some students begin fall term expecting lax rules toward drinking and drugs. Stunning analysis of the situation, sir.
There is one silver lining to this thick, pungent cloud… basic constitutional rights still apply to all students! Eyster confirmed that 4th amendment rights can not be violated, even if you are smoking a big fatty in your dorm room. You don’t have to break the seal on your hotbox just for the DPS officer at the door, according to Eyster, but they’ll still find your records and slap you on the wrist over at Student Judicial Affairs. Also, acccording Student Affairs, Residence Hall Assistants (RA’s) cannot confiscate your weed, no matter how much of a power trip they happen to be on… so next time your RA shakes you down, tell him where to stick it, and tell him Sudsy sent ya.