The OC Blog Back Issues Our Mission Contact Us Masthead
Sudsy Wants You to Join the Oregon Commentator

Democratic Debate III: The Art of War — Live Blogging Edition

** Just as I suspected, OPB isn’t carrying this shit, so I have to watch the live webcast. Hooray for technology!

Jesus Christ, this is going to be terrible. What the hell am I doing? I’m sure I have better things to do, like eat dinner or take a shower. But I guess the whole point of blogging is that you don’t have to shower, so I’m all good.

Speaking of the unclean …

After a round of introductions that go on WAAAAY too long (Tom Joyner, Tavis Smiley, the president of Howard University, some boys who washed cars in order to finance their trip to watch this boring event), the candidates take the stage and are now standing behind their podiums. Because this is a forum about minority issues, I feel obliged to mention that Joe Biden is clearly the whitest person there. He looks like Casper the Alcoholic Ghost.

According to Smiley, this will be an “open book test”, so let’s see how well the candidates do:

Someone screams “Obama!” Clearly his parents are in the audience.

First question, to Clinton: “Is race still the most intractable issue in America?”

“Race and racism are still factors,” states Clinton. SHOCKING! Goooo ooooon.

“The march is not finished … we call on everyone to be foot soldiers to finish this job.” Call Rocksteady and Bebop while you’re at it.

Now Biden is talking. He seems drunk … next.

Richardson makes a bold statement: “Dealing with racism means dealing with bigotry.” You don’t say, Bill. He also mentions that he is Latino. This will assuredly be a trend. I can’t wait until every candidate mentions his/her racial bonafides.

Edwards does everything in his power not to answer the question. Somewhere, Ann Coulter is gritting her teeth and plunging pins into her hand-made Mrs. Edwards Voodoo doll.

Bring on Obama! He also dithers on the issue. “The progress we have made is not good enough.” Yawn.

Man, this is going to get old real quick.

Jesus, now Kucinich is speaking. His voice makes me want to kick his ass. He makes a lame joke, too. People love it. It has something to do with the government telling people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and then stealing their boots when they do. Strong words from a socialist.

Gravel speaks about the evils of the drug war. His voice becomes increasingly loud. I think he’s frightening people.

Edwards is digging it.

Still, Gravel has made the most sense so far. (I know. I’m scared too.)

Dodd talks about how our system is still segregated. Speaking of segregation, his hair is parted magnificently.

The next question is about the achievement gap. Biden tries to answer the question, but it’s obvious he’s suffering from DTs.

“I am for a minimum wage for teachers,” says Richardson. Ummmmmmm …. Whatever.

Edwards calls solving poverty the cause of his life. Undoubtedly, Matt Drudge and Ann Coulter have a mutual boner, knowing that they have their money quote the next time Edwards gets another $400 haircut.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.