They called Manowar black metal? Uh oh, they better watch out. Manowar is likely to storm their office and put them to the sword. Seriously.

I have the entire Manowar discography, and every second of it is as epic as that picture.

I’m actually somewhat afraid of anyone who can handle that much Manowar.

Oh, and apparently Slipknot is “gore metal”. By that, I’m guessing that “Deanna Uutela” has never listened to Carcass.

She tops it all of with this nauseating bit:

“I feel sorry for this generation of metal lovers who didn’t get to experience Metallica during their drug years or witness Slayer rise up to become the crowning kings of metal. But all is not lost! There are true metal enthusiasts out there who want to honor and continue the tradition of vintage metal by introducing it to a whole new generation.”

*sigh*

On the other hand, why the hell would I expect the Eugene Weekly to write convincingly about metal? Gordon Lightfoot at the Cuthbert? Sure. Floydian Slips at the MacDonald? Alright. Whatever “traditional” international band is coming through town this week? Yup.

But any publication that mistakes Manowar for black metal shouldn’t really bother writing about metal in the first place.

Pretty close, I think.