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Eugene City Council high on downtown ideas, weed

If you picked up the Register Guard today, you probably noticed the headline “Council high on downtown ideas“. Somebody down at the RG must have been having a chuckle, or else they’ve never been downtown.

But I can see why they must have thought the city council was high. The story is about the multitude of proposals being considered by the council for developing downtown Eugene. Here’s the lead:

Condos. A four-screen movie theater. Restaurants. A grocery store. Even a 24-hour newsstand.

The Eugene City Council on Wednesday liked all of those ideas and more for revitalizing two blocks in the heart of downtown.

A 24-hour newsstand? God, they must have been baked. “Imagine, like, a newsstand … a newsstand that you can go to anytime, and the guy there will tell you what the news is, like, right at that moment. Whoa.” However, these were just a few of the 123 recomendations submitted by the West Broadway Advisory Committee, all of which sound totally awsome when you’re stoned.

The advisory committee has big plans for downtown, but I think they’re forgetting the great ambience and culture that already exists there. For example, one of the advisory committee members said they wanted to transform Broadway into “a highly energetic neighborhood that has things going on day and night.” This guy’s obviously never spent a lot of time down by the bus station. “Highly energetic” is almost an understatement when talking about the many streetkids that inhabit the area, and there are certainly many “things” going on 24 hours a day.

Here’s my list of proposals that would revitalize the downtown Broadway area and retain the atmosphere and culture that it’s famous for.

  • A steel cage dedicated to streetkid fights (similar to Thunderdome). It would be a great source of entertainment and revenue, and there would be less streetkids!
  • 24-hour drug information kiosk
  • Limit traffic to exclude all forms of travel except for hobo shuffling
  • Replace statue of Ken Kesey with statue of Frog – Eugene’s true literary son
  • If statue of Frog is too costly, replace statue of Ken Kesey with Frog himself
  • Improved drainage system for vomit and patchouli runoff
  • Tuesday Dealer’s Market
  • Replace parking meters with dedicated panhandlers
  • Install open pit leading directly to Hell