Archive for August, 2011
Wednesday, August 31st, 2011
In a possible effort to prevent further fall rioting, UO will require incoming freshmen and transfer students under 21 to take an online alcohol education class. This class, which is used at over 500 other colleges and universities, is aimed at making students aware of the effects alcohol will have on their bodies.
As someone who has taken two of these classes and found that they simply made me crave a strong vodka tonic, it seems unlikely that these will have any effect of students who desire to drink.
What do y’all think? Would an alcohol class have deterred you from getting shitfaced?
Tuesday, August 30th, 2011
Look look, this random website says we’re the #20 most awesome (Twitter) person in Eugene.
See at the bottom?
To Rennies to celebrate this momentous moment!
Tuesday, August 30th, 2011
In a brilliant and unforeseen move, a UPS Store will open in the space the U.S. Post Office used to occupy.
Who would have thought? Mail on campus.
Either way, now your lazy ass doesn’t have to walk all of two blocks off campus to mail something.
FromWendy P Polhemus, Interim Director of the EMU:
I am pleased to announce the opening of The UPS Store in the location formally occupied by the U.S. Post Office in the Erb Memorial Union. Starting September 1, 2011 you will be able to receive an extensive array of UPS, postal, packaging and related services Monday – Friday, 8 A.M. to 6 P.M. and Saturday, 10 A.M. – 2 P.M. Post Office box rental is also available. For a menu of services please visit www.theupsstore.com online or come by the store. Within the next week or so the local website will be available at www.theupsstorelocal.com/6258. A formal grand opening is scheduled during the Week of Welcome, September 19 – 23.
Monday, August 22nd, 2011
In a recent study released by Condomania, Oregon was rated as the second largest state when it comes to penis size. Though this comes as no surprise to anyone who has a passing familiarity with the hulking lumberjacks who comprise our state (or the marble-cut hunks of the Oregon Commentator office), the news comes as a sick shock to neighboring states such as Colorado, Utah and Wyoming, which all ranked in the bottom ten.
According to the survey, the tumescent curve falls between 3” and 10”, falling into a normal Bell curve between 5” and 6”. This data is supported by a 1996 UCSF study, a 1996 German report and a Brazilian study that places average penis size between 5.1 and 5.7 inches. No significant discrepancies were found between African-American males and Caucasian males, although the rankings seem to refute this (New Orleans, Washington D.C. and San Diego are all in the top ten.)
I’m personally bursting with pride. Way to penetrate the top ranks, Oregon. I know the ride was hard, but we shot to the top of the heap. So keep on struttin’ that Cascade cock lumberjacks and don’t let anyone tell you different.
Unless you have micropenis.
Tuesday, August 16th, 2011
Another Sandy is wreaking havoc, but this is one isn’t containing her assault to the inside of plane cabins. On July 24th Ms. Sandy McMillin, 51, was shopping at Wal-Mart for sour cream, chips, and coffee creamer when an employee asked her to leave the store due to her lack of shirt. McMillin, a former member of the Navy Reserve, was wearing a turquoise string bikini top that she had, in fact, purchased at the very same Wal-Mart.
McMillin is saying that she and her sister, Karla Vogt, were quietly (and ironically) shopping in the clothing section when an employee told McMillin that her current state was in violation of health codes and that she needed to put on a shirt or leave. She says she was “horrified” and embarrassed as her and Vogt were escorted out of the store. Wal-Mart tells a different story, claiming that McMillin was verbally abusing other customers and asked her to leave only after several shoppers complained. Also they claim that no one escorted the sisters outside.
What appears to be a rather run-of-the-mill public indecency squabble somehow caught the attention of the British news outlet the UK Daily Mail, who ran the story on their website. We know that the Brits love their scandals, but, really, y’all care about this? Hasn’t Pippa been showing her fanny in the tube or whatever?
Sandy McMillin, who also has also been restoring a 1976 Stingray. No joke.
UK Daily Mail Online
Monday, August 15th, 2011
A recent flight from Portland, Ore. to JFK saw more bodily fluids than John Henry’s on 80’s Night.
Robert “Sandy” Vietze, an 18-year-old student from Vermont, was on his way to the bathroom when he apparently mistook an 11-year-old girl for a toilet and began urinating on her leg. He claimed to have six beers and two rum and cokes before boarding the flight, shocking many that he had not, in fact, been drinking vintage 4Loko. Vietze’s lawyer is now claiming that the teenager pissed not on the girl, but next to her, and the alleged R. Kelly wannabe is refusing to apologize to his victim. Justice may be served, however, as Vietze has been dropped from the US Olympic Ski Team’s developmental roster. Only those who can hold get the gold, Sandy.
But the 5 1/2 hour flight of fun wasn’t over yet. About an hour before the plane landed another passenger began complaining of chest pains and then vomited, most likely all over. Flight attendants tried to clean the passenger up as best as they could with liquid soap, and no other bodily excretions were made public before the plane touched down in New York.
Regular whiz kid Robert "Sandy" Vietze
Wednesday, August 10th, 2011
According to a survey taken by the venerable Princeton Review, UO students have graded their professors, and it’s not a passing score. Out of twenty schools ranked on their “Professors Get Low Marks” list UO is rated seventh, ahead of Cal Tech, Purdue-West Lafayette, and Washington State. The Princeton Review bases their list off of online surveys collected from about 122,000 undergraduate students during the 2010-11 school year.
The students were asked simply, “How do you rate your instructors as teachers?” and the ratings given were used to formulate the best and worst professors from around the country. It seems like students, who are receiving grading themselves from the very professors they rank, may be a biased demographic to survey, however, its doubtful that a prospective freshman will be capable of that kind of critical thinking.
Will this affect enrollment in the coming years? Unlikely, as most students are attracted by our football team. Class is for dweebs!