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Evolution has nothing to do with science.

Shaggy 2 Dope is the Oregon Commentator’s science blogger. A guest contributor who is not a student, Shaggy enjoys music, professional wrestling, playing with his children, and anti-social acts of violence. He writes every week in response to JoAnna Wendel’s Oregon Daily Emerald science column.

Hello friends. I’m sorry it’s been so long since we last spoke. I realize that my nemesis, Oregon Daily Emerald columnist JoAnna Wendel, has published two articles since I issued a public challenge to her and I have not responded. I intend to. I’d say that being a multi-platinum recording artist, record label-founder and all-around renaissance man is demanding, but that’s no excuse. I’ll try to be on time next week, but here are my thoughts on Wendel’s work this week.

Wendel’s first column alleges that a new “species” of human has evolved. “Collegius baconus” is supposedly its name and Wendel says it has evolved in visible time, and that she’s surprised. Well, of course a scientist would be surprised.

What they don’t realize is that evolution is one of life’s little miracles, like looking into your son’s eyes after he gets into his first hockey fight or the little yellow powder that makes Funyuns so salty. “It’s just salt dude!” they’ll tell you. Maybe they’ll say, “Evolution is a natural process,” or, “Your son displays early signs of psychosis.” But no, scientists, who, as I have already elaborated, are all motherfuckers, are always trying to leech the magic out of miracles like evolution.

They are making me so pissed.

Everyone knows evolution has nothing to do with scientists. If scientists had their way, we probably never would have heard of evolution. Evolution: it’s something human beings have known about since the beginning of time. If we’d left it up to scientists, they’d probably tell us evolution is caused by “chemical imbalances of the brain” or “too much drinking” — just a few of the outrageously false explanations the medical scientists with which which I’m forced to talk try to come up with — and they’d be wrong.

Evolution is a miracle. It has nothing to do with science. You can’t explain it, just like you can’t explain what’s inside Fonz Pond.

Fonz Pond

I’ll tackle Wendel’s other article a little later. Shaggy out.

  1. JoAnna says:

    …you’re behind. There are like, 2 more articles for you to refute.

  2. Dan says:

    You realize that Wendell’s article was purely satirical right?

  3. Mr Spiff says:

    Dear Shaggy 2,

    You do not provide ANY evidence to contradict JoAnna’s articles. The only ‘evidence’ you provide is that scientists are ‘all motherfuckers’. That, my friend, is an OPINION and not FACT. Unfortunately for you, evolution is based ENTIRELY in factual studies over decades of research and millions of years of records stored in our very own earth. Reading your drivel is sickening. But please, i beg you, try to refute her articles. I would LOVE to read whatever it is you try to write because I know it will contain only a few elements:

    1. Personal opinions

    2. Personal opinions backed up by more personal opinions

    3. Baseless accusations

    4. Self promotion

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand GO!

  4. Sophie says:

    “The Loons scream in the dead of dawn”

    Poetry

    I have been to Fonz Pond, it was fucked.

    Also never noticed Violent J had a Michael Jackson glove during the video.

    Shaggy, excellent work as always.

  5. Spencer Madison says:

    This article is a thing of beauty. Magic magic ninja, what!?

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