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Archive for the 'Die.' Category

I’ll Just Have Water, Thanks

December 27th, 2009 by D

simpsons

“Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.”

As a lover of all things “jerky” I find vegetarians and vegans impossibly difficult to understand. Lucky for me, there’s some sane people still out there who console my straying conscious back into the right.

In a particularly interesting article written a few days ago, science columnist Natalie Angier wrote about the viability of ethics-based veganism – a topic I’m sure we’re all familiar with given our own geographical location. In her article, Angier noted that vegans often argue the ethical way of consumption is choosing not to eat meat. In the opinion of Angier (and myself), the choice hits a few snags. Angier highlighted the more ridiculous points of the argument:

“Before we cede the entire moral penthouse to “committed vegetarians” and “strong ethical vegans,” we might consider that plants no more aspire to being stir-fried in a wok than a hog aspires to being peppercorn-studded in my Christmas clay pot.”

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Look what you’re missing

December 10th, 2009 by D

nazistuff

I’m not even sure what to do with this one… the upper line reads “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression: this right includes freedom to hold opinions and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media…”

In compliance with that statement, I’ve blacked out the date and time for this event.

You’re welcome.

Lest We Forget…

December 6th, 2009 by Vincent

Sometimes, living in the Pacific Northwest, it’s easy to forget just how loathsome and malignant hipsters are. They are, after all, nearly as ubiquitous as such similarly squishy and useless northwest fixtures as “fog” and “moss” [Fog is not squishy. -ed], not to mention their close namesakes, hippies. We observe with embarrassed disgust these irritating, unimaginative raiders-of-long-dead-pop-culture pedaling around town on their fixed-gear bicycles, frequently sporting absurd facial hair and 1980’s garb — though neon-colored early-1990’s clothing has in recent years begun to creep into “fashion”.

But lest we forget how miserable and, ultimately, brainless and malevolent hipsterism is, one need only take a glance at the sorts of antics International Hipsterdom routinely engages in, specifically the marketing of designer jeans produced in such transgressive, counter-culture places like North Korea. According to the Swedish hipster at the center of all of this:

The idea for the project was born out of curiosity for North Korea, which has grown increasingly isolated in recent years under Western criticism of its human rights record and nuclear ambitions. “The reason we did this was to come closer to a country that was very difficult to get into contact with.” [emphasis added… also, die a painful death of syphilis, or something, you putrid sore]

Frankly, I agree. Damn the West for “isolating” North Korea by “criticizing” its human rights record. I guess when you’ve had the collapse of Enron happen on your soil, you’ve got no place pointing fingers at all those gulags. After all, it isn’t as if North Korea hasn’t walled itself off from the rest of the world since the 1950’s. Then again, no one ever accused hipsters of having any sense of history — unless you’re talking about what sorts of clothes were trendy from about 1978 until sometime in the 1990’s, that is.

Thankfully, it seems like non-hipster factions in Swedish society have come to their senses, refusing to allow shelf-space to so-called “NOKO” branded designer clothes (if you didn’t hate hipsters before, just take a look at the wastes of sperm pictured in the BBC report). At least one of the founders of “NOKO Jeans” admits that North Korea “sometimes treats its citizens terribly.” Huh. You don’t say. Well, it’s a good thing, then, that a gaggle of well-intentioned young lads decided to give it the good old college try and did what they could to fix the situation by… err… peddling North Korean-made clothing at exorbitant prices in Swedish luxury boutiques (the jeans were reputedly slated to be sold for $215). I’m sure that they really would’ve made a difference if the forces of international capital hadn’t forced their wares off the shelves.

The game’s just so loaded, you know?

At any rate, the next time you see some hipster galavanting around campus, cocksure in his faux-Mercury mustache or her unconvincing “nerd-girl” attire, just remember to ask that person if they’d buy the latest, hippest “NOKO” jeans if given the chance. At the very least, it’ll make them feel uncomfortable, defensive, and most importantly, unfashionable. What’s certain is that the those of us who don’t necessarily mind being used as marionettes by the forces of international capital need to take every advantage over this vile sub-species that we can afford, even if it means making them feel that they’re not decked out in the most transgressive and “avant” of duds.

Because that’s the real crime.

Journalistic Failure

December 5th, 2009 by Guy

The original publisher of the Oregon Commentator, Dane Claussen, once said that the OC’s purpose was to print the news that, “the other publications are unable to tell you because of inexperience, incompetence or the narrow-mindedness of their staffs.” That was some 26 years ago and it seems the OC still has purpose. Not to continue to toot our own horn or anything but, as any regular reader of the blog knows (because we’ve been pimping it hard), the OC has recently published a 25th anniversary book edited by the current publisher Timothy Dane Carbaugh.

Call me crazy, but it seems to me students creating, printing and selling a 300-page hard bound history book completely on their own volition about a student organization that’s survived significant adversity for more than 25 years would be a newsworthy event. Which is why I am glad to finally announce that, now just about a month after the book was released, the Daily Emerald has gotten around to publishing a story.

You’d think that this would be the sort of thing that would hit the front page of any daily student newspaper, but here at the University of Oregon you’d be wrong. Instead, the story was buried deep in the “scene” insert. I would link to the article, but it is suspiciously absent from their online content. Luckily for them, we’ve published the article here.

I wonder if ol’ Mr. Claussen would chock this up to simple narrow-mindedness or gross incompetence? I can’t say, but you take a look at this editorial cartoon about Sarah Palin’s book recently published by the Emerald and you will probably agree that it is a real chicken shit outfit over there.

Going ROUGE

Do not ridicule someone’s “intellectual substance” if you are going to screw up the spelling of “rogue”.

Believe It

November 30th, 2009 by D

helpmom

Why the Commentator receives e-mails like this I will never know. But Jesus, I’m glad we do. All I can say is that the world is slowly getting dumber, one rogue at a time. I’ll let the e-mail do the talking:

While the former Governor and Vice Presidential candidate has achieved success with record book sales and support for a 2012 presidential election bid, she has also achieved something else few public figures ever have:   heroine status in a children’s book.

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Mandatory Health Care Will Cleanse You, Patrician

November 24th, 2009 by Vincent

Well, “health care reform” is on its way to the Senate floor. When it passes (not if, but when), it will amount to little more than billions of dollars worth of wasted money and one big “WIN” check-mark in Team Blue’s column… and make no mistake, this isn’t about the so-called “right” to health care, looking out for the disadvantaged, making things more “affordable*”, or any of the other noble rhetoric people are deploying — it’s about politicians being able to point to some astoundingly expensive piece of legislation and being able to say, “LOOK!!! WE DID SOMETHING!!” Period. Full stop. Democrats get to crow about their “big win” for the common man and Republicans get to strut around and talk about all that “fiscal responsibility” they forgot about between 2000 and 2008.

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Duck-Fondlers, Highlighter Shortages, and Acid Flashbacks: Why Your Team Sucks

November 19th, 2009 by Evan Lisull of the Arizona Desert Lamp

The following is an arranged cross-posting of trash talk between the Oregon Commentator and the Arizona Desert Lamp in preparation for Saturday’s football game vs. Arizona. Don’t like what’s being said? Feel free to trash talk back, and look for our rebuttal posting on the Desert Lamp website, www.desertlamp.com later today. Go Ducks!

At some point between reading the Wikipedia article on “Pete DeFazio” and the UODPS Security Report, I realized that Oregon is absolutely useless and boring and a waste of anyone’s time. The state is known for “mail-in voting” and Portland, which makes Idaho’s “We got dem potatoes!” marketing campaign sound almost appealing.

But the deal was already set. A submission was due! Cry “Havoc!,” and let slip the hounds of gin.

1.PIRG-loving schmucks

Oh, I can already hear the Commentariat whining in protest – “We’ve fought them for years! We exposed them for what they really were! We gave you all of the background material so that you could stop them in Arizona!” Whatever. Somebody had to give them a sense of legitimacy when they were still babes suckling on Nader’s sagging teat, and that somebody is the state of Oregon.

Speaking of taking shit from the worst entities on the face of the earth. . .

2.You gave the world Joey Harrington

As a Lions fan and Detroit-area native, there’s a lot to hate, generally. But Joey Harrington is definitely up on the list.

joey desert lamp

Look at this fucking love connection and its fucking love child

3.Sartorial “Shma-shmortion”

oregon uniforms desert lamp
“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
~University of Oregon Athletic Director Mike Bellotti Oscar Wilde

Stupid people on the internet say, “OMG rly originall making fun of Oregon’s jerseyz.” And of course, being the Internet, this comment is supposed to be sarcastic, and is made in Mom’s basement while wearing battery-acid-colored pajamas.

But look: this is not a matter of originality, or trying to be cute. This is a serious issue that needs addressing. If Congress is having a commission on the BCS , it sure as shit needs to have a commission on this Ralph Lauren fever dream. Where is the FCC when you need them? (Protip: Finding strangers in the Alps .)

4.Duck-Tape

newduckjersey

“So, dude, for Halloween, I duct-taped fucking wings on my shirt sleeves!”
“Uh, why’d you do that?”
“My mom made me. She thought I might get hit by a car at night.”

This is the college football equivalent of this shirt:

dinosaur desert lamp

Minus, of course, the whole “bad-ass” aspect. In other news, Nike is in the process of designing a duck-beak shaped mouth guard.

5.Back-Brain Stimulants

oregon yellow desert lamp

Something about these uniforms reminded me of this quote:

In the control room the Technician mixes a bicarbonate of soda and belches into his hand: “God damned tenor’s a brown artist!” he mutters sourly. “Mike! rumph,” the shout ends in a belch. “Cut that swish fart off the air and give him his purple slip. He’s through as of right now . . . Put in that sex-changed Liz athlete . . . She’s a full-time tenor at least . . . Costume? How in the fuck should I know? I’m no dress designer swish department from the costume department! What’s that ? The entire costume department occluded as a security risk? What am I, an octopus?

OK, not really. I just got this from flipping to a random page in Naked Lunch . Works though, doesn’t it?

This is what happens to the Notre Dame helmets after Charlie Weis is done with them.

oregon-helmet-live

6.Make your own offense-to-all-that-is-decent-in-this-world!

This is a good idea, if potentially dangerous.

Seriously: what the fuck is wrong with your state? Washington has the purple-gold Huskies, and the scarlet-gray Cougars. Kinda butch-femme, but whatever. Meanwhile, fucking Oregon has to go out and have the Chernobyl-yellow-green Ducks play the construction-worker-orange Beavers. Shit like this is why health care is so expensive in this country.

The one thing that hasn’t been said, though, is the fact that UO has only adopted the all-white get-up (white unis, white helmets) on games before Labor Day. Which means that they actually care about shit like this.

Oh, you sad, sad shards of existence.

7.You bastards legitimized Boise State

Everything you needed to know about politics, you learned playing backyard football. And everybody knows that there’s that kinda obnoxious kid, who’s kinda big and probably pretty good. But the kid’s a real fuck – it doesn’t matter why, he’s probably Mormon or something – and nobody wants to hang out with him.

So one day you’re playing football and he says, “Hey, you mind if I play?” You don’t say, “Gosh, gee, sure thing Jimbo! Line up on the left side.” You say, “Fuck you, asshole, we’ve got even teams.” If he plays, and he’s good, you’ll never be able to get rid of him. Ever.

Boise State is that kid of the college football world. They wanted to play with the big kids, and the rest of the country said, “Fuck you, you’re from Idaho.” But not Oregon – nooooooo. So goddamn special. They just had to give the blue-fielded coxswains of the football universe a chance to prove themselves against a “real” team, and they did it – twice.

They were already yesterday’s news – after all the hooplah about beating Oklahoma, they lost to TCU in the fucking Poinsetta Bowl . But like that asshole Brendan Fraser, you just had to bring this national nightmare back from the crypt. (No, it’s not quite as shitty as the Mummy . But it’s close.)

And plus, Jesus Fucking Christ:

boise st desert lamp

This is worse than what Keith Jackson sees in his ketamine binges. (You thought he just ‘retired’? Please.)

8.And you know keeping water fowl, for uh, domestic, you know, within the stadium. . .

ducks desert lamp

Look at these two fucking love-birds

Arizona might have taken away our mascot’s guns , but at least they didn’t cut his balls off and turn him into a Chinese knockoff of a second-rate cartoon:

The nickname for Oregon’s first sports teams was “Webfoots,” coined by longtime Oregonian sports editor L. H. Gregory. The name originated from a group of fishermen from the coast of Massachusetts whose descendants settled in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. When the University of Oregon was founded in 1876, Webfoots was the natural choice for the school’s nickname, because of Oregon’s reputation for wet weather.

Sports reporters later changed the nickname to “Ducks,” and by the 1930s, a small white duck named “Puddles” began to appear to sports events. Beginning in 1940, cartoon drawings of Puddles in student publications began to resemble Donald Duck, and by 1947, Walt Disney was aware of the issue. Capitalizing on his friendship with a Disney cartoonist, Oregon athletic director Leo Harris met Disney and reached an informal handshake agreement that granted the University of Oregon permission to use Donald as its sports mascot.

When Disney lawyers later questioned the agreement in the 1970s, the University produced a photo showing Harris and Disney wearing matching jackets with an Oregon Donald logo. Relying on the photo as evidence of Disney’s wishes, in 1973, both parties signed a formal agreement granting the University the right to use Donald’s likeness as a symbol for (and restricted to) Oregon sports.

‘Webfoots’? ‘Puddles’? Fucking adorable. Too adorable, apparently, for the psilocybin-addled Nike “scientists,” who had to bring in “Mandrake”:

As the story goes, the idea behind the new mascot, which Bartko and other athletics officials call “Mandrake,” spawned from a spring basketball game. When Oregon was in Sacramento, Calif., playing Montana in the NCAA Tournament, athletic officials noticed advantages of having an agile mascot.

Creeps. Apparently, “Mandrake” looked like this.
mandrake

Nightmare Duck will haunt your local Chinese restaurants

I was hoping that it’d look more like this.

ghost

9.They’re gonna kill that poor woman!

Look, I appreciate a good rivalry like any beer-blooded American. But I also understand that there is a certain line in those rivalries. Where that line is depends on what sort of hard liquor is on hand, but no matter what, “kidnapping of women” is on the other side of the line. Apparently, no such line exists in the state of Oregon:

Maybe the most ingenious stunt of all took place in 1957 when four Oregon student athletes, all members of Theta Xi fraternity, decided one night (when they were all bored out of their minds) that wouldn’t it be clever if they could show up at Oregon State’s Homecoming game with Washington State and actually kidnap their Homecoming court.

Which is exactly what they did. Posing as reporters from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, allegedly sent to Corvallis on assignment to do a story on OSC’s game with a Washington school, the three ladies of the court accompanied the “reporters” for a short car ride to Avery Park south of town to shoot photos. Almost right away, the car began heading north toward Salem.

For the next 12 hours the group stayed tucked away at the home of the parents of one of the kidnappers, enjoying a large meal and delighting at how much national publicity the whole story was beginning to generate, including reports that the entire Oregon State football team was out looking for the court. Because Homecoming Queen Pearl Friel was native Hawaiian, it was also rumored that football players from the University of Hawaii were threatening to travel to Oregon to deal with the situation.

This, mind you, is from the Oregon State write-up – topped only by this OSU Alumni summary:

However, the prank of all pranks took place just before OSU’s Homecoming game with Washington State in 1957. Posing as journalists from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, four UO athletes “kidnapped” Oregon State’s Homecoming court members and took them to Salem, where the home of one of the “nappers” was used to entertain the three coeds (the parents of the student had dinner waiting) for over 12 hours.

Because it happened in the ’50s, kidnapping is OK? Actual quote from one of the kidnappers: “We phoned our president’s office and were told that the prank was OK, provided we didn’t break any laws and if nothing ‘physical’ happened.”

You fucking people. Stay the hell away from our women.

10.Your bullshit trail killed Kenny

kenny dead

You bastards!

Swooping In

November 2nd, 2009 by D

(From EDSBS and LSUfreek)

Antivax

October 30th, 2009 by Vincent

Read this. Just do.

Dust in the Wind

October 27th, 2009 by Vincent

The Ol’ Dirty is reporting that OSPIRG has finally been kicked out of the space in the EMU that they’ve been using since being sent packing last year. Not only that, but ASUO Executive Emma Kallaway pointed out that OSPIRG shouldn’t have been there in the first place, since they haven’t been a student group in years:

The Oregon Student Public Interest Research Group was dealt another blow Tuesday when the EMU Board of Directors delivered notice that OSPIRG’s file cabinets have to be cleared from its spot in the east side of the EMU, its professional staff can no longer use incidental fee-funded resources and a recognized student group would soon move in to share quarters with the Survival Center and the Student Insurgent.

The explanation provided was that OSPIRG is no longer a recognized student group and therefore cannot occupy space in the EMU. The inconsistency, as ASUO President Emma Kallaway noted, is that OSPIRG has not been a student group for years. Until July, the ASUO had a contract for membership in the statewide organization. No one ever bothered to mention contracted services should not have been allowed space in the EMU.

Along with OSPIRG’s illegal occupation of the EMU, it seems they’ve been using other University resources such as phone lines and computers that they had no particular right to. That, of course, hasn’t stopped them from being a bunch of ingrates:

The EMU Board says OSPIRG staffers cannot use the phones paid for by the incidental fee. OSPIRG students say they use cell phones because the land line was cut in July. The board says OSPIRG can’t use the computer provided in its former office space; OSPIRG Chair Charles Denson said it was slow anyway.

Sorry the misappropriated computer in question wasn’t up to your standards, Chuck.


Don’t Let the Door Hit You On the Way Out

October 23rd, 2009 by D

Subject: EMU Board Question
From:
“Elise Presicci” <epresicc@uoregon.edu>
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:55:20 -0700

Hello,

My name is Elise Presicci and I am the Chair of the House Committee for the EMU Board of Directors. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your question. I got your email from Max Boomer, whom you talked to at the EMU Board office. I was emailing you to answer a question that you had about OSPIRG’s office space in the EMU. OSPIRG is no longer a student recognized group at the University of Oregon and therefore by holding an office space in the EMU they are going against the EMU by laws. The House Committee has had a few discussions about this and we are currently in the process of informing OSPIRG of this problem. Hopefully we will meet with OSPIRG next week, I am currently setting up a meeting, and we they will begin the process of vacating the office if all goes well.

I hope I answered your question, I am not positive exactly what is was, but please don’t hesitate to email me back with any further questions or concerns.

Thank you,
Elise Presicci

Recovered Property

October 20th, 2009 by D

Simpsons

“Simpsons did it!”

It has recently come to our attention that the Comic Press, a “newspaper” at the University of Oregon, has been running a twitter feed titled “ASUO Spew” for quite some time. We have sat idly by while the Comic Press has made use of our own recycled jokes, references and phrases over the last two years, but this is the final straw.

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Pesky Rules

September 22nd, 2009 by Vincent

What happens when an influential Senator dies and the law says that he can’t be replaced without holding a special election? Just get rid of the law, which your party put in place back in 2004 to prevent the rival party from potentially taking a vacated Senate seat, so you can appoint this guy to the seat and have 60 “aye”‘s when it’s time to vote on health care:

dukakis

Stereotyping Blues

September 15th, 2009 by Vincent

Reason’s Jesse Walker discusses at length some of the ideas I’ve been trying to get at recently:

When mainstream commentators treat a small group of unconnected crimes as a grand, malevolent movement, they unwittingly echo the very conspiracy theories they denounce. Both brands of connect-the-dots fantasy reflect the tellers’ anxieties much more than any order actually emerging in the world. When such a story is directed at those who oppose the politicians in power, it has an additional effect. The list of dangerous forces that need to be marginalized inevitably expands to include peaceful, legitimate critics.

[…]

The killers, they acknowledge, aren’t taking their marching orders directly from Fox News and AM radio. But by giving serious attention to theories associated with the fringe right—that the Federal Emergency Management Agency is preparing concentration camps, that Barack Obama is not a natural-born U.S. citizen—Glenn Beck and other broadcasters are validating the grievances of potential killers, giving them the impression that they aren’t alone.

[…]

The first is that it ignores the autonomy of people on the fringe. Not just the radicals who commit the crimes, but the radicals who don’t commit crimes. There’s a complex ecology at work here.. Words have influence, but they influence different people in different ways; you can’t reduce media effects to simple push-pull reactions. Accusing Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly of validating right-wing violence isn’t so different from accusing pornography of validating rape, Ozzy Osbourne of validating teen suicide, or Marilyn Manson of validating school massacres.

Think about that. Then go back and read Blue Oregon’s Carla Axtman’s comments on this blog attempting to link mainstream Republicans (and conservatives in general) with “wildly fringe conservative organizations” listening to “eliminationist rhetoric” “within [the] context of guns and stoked-up town halls.”

Axtman (among others) is engaging in the Team-Red vs. Team blue equivalent of blaming Marilyn Manson for Columbine.

"I'm calling you OUT, you eliminationist racist!"

"You're the Republican Ernst Röhm!"

"What... is it the hat??"

"Is it the hat?"

——
Speaking of “have you no shame!?” posturing…

Wait, I wasn’t speaking of that at all. Whatever.

Lest We Forget… That Pat Buchanan is a Lunatic [UPDATED with new link]

September 1st, 2009 by Vincent

Today marks the anniversary of the day that Germany invaded Poland in 1939, setting off the Second World War in Europe.

The leading light of the “paleo-conservative” movement, Pat Buchanan, evidently saw fit to commemorate this day by writing an article entitled Did Hitler Want War?” [Updated link below]

The thing’s barely worth reading, and relies on a… novel understanding of history, to say the least, blaming the war on a “junta” of Polish generals and a Western plot to “punish” Hitler for Munich. Oh, and Hitler “let the British go” at Dunkirk, demonstrating his ultimately peaceful intentions. In short, this is the diary of an insane person.

Of course, jaw-dropping World War Two revisionism is nothing new for Buchanan, who’s been pimping the “Hitler was misunderstood!” line for a few years now. Who knows? Maybe Pacifica Forum will invite him and David Irving to campus for a joint lecture about the Second World War one of these days. Hell, get the “Nakba = genocide” crowd out there for support and the UO can have itself a nice little orgy of Jew-hating historical revisionism.

[UPDATE] Realclearpolitics has evidently deleted Buchanan’s article from their site. If, for whatever bizarre reason, you wish to subject yourself to “Did Hitler Want War?”, you can now find it at Antiwar.com (along with, fittingly, Stormfront, etc. — which should tell you a lot about both Pat Buchanan and the people who run “Antiwar.com”).