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Archive for the 'Jeebus' Category

Aroused Jesus Update

May 14th, 2007 by Niedermeyer

Well, apparently we got it wrong. According to an angry collective  member, The Insurgent did not reprint the “Aroused Jesus” Issue, but are merely redistributing original issues. Furthermore, the fourth issue of the Insurgent has come out today, and it is a thing of beauty and a joy forever, as the poet said.

Sorry Insurgents, y’all aren’t quite as big of a joke as we thought. Although now my new collection of “Aroused Jesus” issues will fetch even more on ebay, because they are originals, and we also have a new issue to SPEW the hell out of. Oh yes, and there’s even something for the poor, downtrodden campus christians too… page 21 has a picture of a topless young lady from burning man. Oh the oppression! Defund NOW!

Insurgent Reprints Magnum Opus: Stand By For More Wailing and Gnashing Of Teeth

May 12th, 2007 by Niedermeyer

The rumors are true. The Student Insurgent must have been feeling a little down for only printing 3 issues this year (incidentally, they get almost $5,000 a year more than us), and have decided to cheer themselves up by reprinting last years infamous “Aroused Jesus” issue. That’s right, the hand-drawn nudity that inspired months of hand-wringing and fist shaking by the likes of Bill Donahue, Bill O’Reilly, Dallas Brown, and Students Of Faith is back in all of its crisp, bright, newly-printed glory. I guess things were just getting too boring, and putting out a new issue was just too much work. Oh well, bring on the caps-lock evangelists, the blowhard pundits and the Christians-as-victims crowd… just, please, everybody read this first.

***UPDATE***

As Sean mentioned, Jethro Higgins has written a letter to the editor over at the ODE, which should be available here. Unfortunately, the ODE has a page and a header for it, but the piece itself is not yet online. Maybe someone’s scared of tripping Bill Donahue’s RSS filter, which scours the web hourly for content with the words “aroused” and “Jesus.” We’d be scared too.

The Tables Turn on Sharpton

May 9th, 2007 by Jake

I am going to jump on the bigotry bandwagon and post this story about Al Sharpton saying that Mormons do not believe in God. I know for a fact that Mormons believe in God because two of them came to my door last Saturday, and they must have said Jesus Christ about 50 times.

On Monday, Sharpton said in a debate that “those of us who believe in God” will defeat Mitt Romney for the White House.

Romney is a former governor of Massachusetts and a devout Mormon.

Sharpton goes on to claim, like all people who say stupid things, that his quote was taken out of context. He even goes so far as to blame the Romney campaign for blowing things out of proportion and trying to stir up controversy.

What we have here is another sign of the oncoming apocalypse. The day Al Sharpton gets away with accusing someone of stirring up controversy for publicity’s sake is the day Satan unleashes the hounds of hell.

Shooting at Virgina Tech

April 16th, 2007 by Timothy

As now the reports are 30+ dead and another two dozen wounded in a rampage shooting. The Brady Campaign has already issued a pretty odious press-release to use this awful event as fodder for their political agenda. My condolences to the families and victims not only for the shooting, but also for becoming the latest unwilling faces for a hot-button issue in American politics. [Via H&R, avoid the comments for your own sanity.]

Supreme Court Considers Bong Hits

March 20th, 2007 by Niedermeyer

The Supreme Court has heard arguments in the case of an Alaska teen who was punished by his school principal for displaying a 14-foot “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” banner at a school-sponsored Olympic torch parade. Morse v. Frederick, as the case is known, could be a definitive ruling on the free speech rights of public school students. Unsurprisingly, career moral crusader Ken Starr is arguing against the students speech rights, and is opposed by a strange coalition which includes the ACLU, Christian conservatives and a gay rights group. Jesus has yet to comment on the issue, citing “official X-Box duties.”

“Thanks CBS for turning my son GAY.”

March 7th, 2007 by Ian

God bless the Smoking Gun.

That Certainly Put Me In The Mood For Cake.

December 6th, 2006 by Timothy

Okay, I just had perhaps the most surreal experience I’ve had since I moved out of Eugene. I’m sitting downstairs, watching Good Eats as is my wont, and a Sara Lee commercial comes on and plays the “Happy Happy Joy Joy” song from Ren & Stimpy. What the hell? It was just the chorus, but…no. You’ve broken my mind, Sara Lee. Broken. My mind.

Best Headline Ever?

November 29th, 2006 by Ian

From BoingBoing: Naked man smokes crack and gets attacked by an 11-foot alligator.

Incredibly, the story lives up to the headline’s potential:

Judd said Apgar told deputies he was smoking crack-cocaine at the adjacent park, but it was unclear why he was naked or why he was attacked by the alligator.

The only thing that could make it any better is if he were a Seminoles alum.

In other news: why oh why can’t the final papers I’m working on be this interesting?

Art School Exit-stential

November 29th, 2006 by Ian

There’s basically nothing about this story in the current Portland Mercury that isn’t hilarious:

Bob Averill’s classmates at the Art Institute of Portland had finished up their work in a character development class on November 8, and were chatting to pass the time until class was over. The discussion moved toward spirituality. Averill, a Game Art Design student and a devoted atheist—he even runs a blog called Portland Atheist—sidled over and joined the conversation.

It was the last time he’d be in an Art Institute class—within two weeks, he was expelled, less than a year before he’d hoped to graduate.

In the classroom that day, Averill says one young woman was talking about her belief in energy layers and astral beings.

“I jokingly asked her if she believed in leprechauns. It turns out, she does. They live on another energy layer,” Averill wrote in notes to himself later that day. [My Emphasis] “In the interest of bringing my own view to the discussion, I began to ask her how she knew these things. Again I know all too well that people can be sensitive about their spiritual beliefs, so I was pretty much walking on glass as I did so.”

Averill says he wasn’t trying to disprove the other student’s religious beliefs, but “to convince her not to insist that they were scientifically proven.”

The student, apparently offended, complained to the teacher. Averill was called into a meeting that evening, he says, with the Art Institute’s dean of education, associate dean, and the dean of student affairs.

According to Averill, he was told the meeting was “because of my altercation with [the other student].” Averill says he pointed out that he’d “only offered a different viewpoint in a discussion that [my classmate] had started.”

“They didn’t respond well,” Averill told the Mercury. “Their mantra was ‘no discussing religion in school,’ which is fine except that I did not initiate the conversation, she had.” Averill was suspended for four days, until a judicial hearing with the dean of student affairs.

Well, he sounds like a calm and reasonable young man! Let’s see what his blog has to say…

Hold on now! Before you go and get the wrong idea, this ISN’T another rant about why religion is bad, or why it’s wrong. Of course, it IS bad, and it IS wrong. But this is so blindingly obvious that it no longer needs to be said. Instead, this is a direct attack on you, the religious person. The argument? That your failure to reject religion indicates you are colossally, irredeemably stupid.

[…]

I refuse to respect religious beliefs, and I refuse to respect people who hold them.

Your willful ignorance is inexcusable, and it disgusts me.

What could possibly go wrong in a conversation between him and someone who strongly believes in leprechauns?

For bonus laughs, check out the conversation on the Something Awful forums, where Bob was (is?) a member.

M. Dennis Moore, Back Again!

October 23rd, 2006 by Ian

Remember our good friend, Mr. M. Dennis Moore? Well he’s back, and this time he has three statements “in favor” of Measure 43 in the 2006 Oregon Voters’ Pamphlet. Are they crude? Well, yeah:

Every act of masturbation kills up to 500 million unborn lives. Every sperm is sacred! Just like abortion, masturbation murders soulless cells. There should be parental notification prior to masturbation.

Are they a juvenile abuse of the voters guide? Probably:

Behold! Electoral theology prepares the way for a state god! We’ve got the beaver for a state animal. Wouldn’t it be cool to elect our very own Oregon state god?

But are they hilarious in a crude, juvenile way? Hell yes:

The Bible says that children who fail to honor their parents should be stoned to death (Exodus 21:17). Implementing biblical law as Oregon public policy could effectively eliminate teenage abortion, appendectomy, shaving, and sperm-murder.

His emphasis, not mine. Anyway, consider this another insightful abortion debate open thread!

Wearing Your Egg On Your Sleeve

October 10th, 2006 by Ian

A UCLA study has recently shown that there is a noticeable changes in how women dress during their menstrual cycle. The researchers claim that, in general, women show more skin and dress more fashionably when they’re most fertile. How this is a surprise to anyone is beyond me, because it makes perfect sense: if it’s the best time of the month to fuck, then you’re going to wear things that maximize your chance of fucking. Apparently, however, this defies popular wisdom amongst sexless academics. From the above ABC News article:

People have long thought that women hid all signs of ovulation, even from themselves and their mates. Haselton’s study shows that many signs do exist, though they’re subtle.

Of course, ovulation doesn’t simply alter a woman’s view of herself and potential sex partners– it also changes her perception of potential rivals:

Women’s interactions with each other can change too.

“There is preliminary evidence that women rate other women as less attractive during ovulation. One possibility is that they feel better about themselves. Maybe they feel better so they dress better,” Haselton said.

Uncle Teddy Will Provide (And The ODE Nod Approvingly)

October 5th, 2006 by Timothy

To further waste my time mocking the student daily at a school where I haven’t been a student in over two years (what does that say about me?), let me opine for a moment on today’s ODE Editorial. Essentially, they’re in support of taxing stupid poor people more, and in support of making sure the government provides for the upper-middle class.

I’m usually the last to trot out “what about the poor” as a reason for anything, but let’s think about this logically for a second. One of the primary reasons given that native Oregonians have an almost pathological aversion to the sales tax is that it’s “regressive”, coming down harder on those who make less. Well, guess who buys the most cigarettes? Poor people! So if you ostensibly care about helping out the “less fortunate” or whatever the hell, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to go heavily taxing something they buy in disproportionate numbers. Especially when that tax is going to be used to subsidize the health care of people making $70,000 a year.

That’s right $70,000 a year, that’s 1.12 times Oregon’s median four-person family income. If you’re making $70,000 a year, it hardly seems reasonable for you to expect the state to pick up any of your bills, let alone your health insurance.

Gelman: Vote Within Your Race

August 12th, 2006 by Ian

Yesterday, Newsweek’s Rabbi Marc Gelman tackled the issue of the Sen-CT race between Joe Lieberman, Ned Lamont, and some Republican who’s getting less support than Katherine Harris. This is one of the more disturbingly bigoted articles I’ve read in the last few weeks, so I’ll go through the whole thing after the jump.
(more…)

Eco-Assholes

August 3rd, 2006 by Tyler

The latest issue of Rolling Stone features a long , fascinating story about the eco-radical movement, which the story implies is based in Oregon. For those of us who have spent far too much time in Lane County — and thus, far too much time reading the Eugene Weekly — we have grown accustomed to news articles aggrandizing these pitiful fools.

Too bad the article is only a fragment. I may actually buy this magazine, which is anathema to everything a blogger holds dear.

(hat tip: Hit and Run — obviously)

Because I Lack Basically All Self-Control

July 23rd, 2006 by Timothy

I was in your damn class, deb. Idiot.

Proof