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Duck-Fondlers, Highlighter Shortages, and Acid Flashbacks: Why Your Team Sucks

November 19th, 2009 by Evan Lisull of the Arizona Desert Lamp

The following is an arranged cross-posting of trash talk between the Oregon Commentator and the Arizona Desert Lamp in preparation for Saturday’s football game vs. Arizona. Don’t like what’s being said? Feel free to trash talk back, and look for our rebuttal posting on the Desert Lamp website, www.desertlamp.com later today. Go Ducks!

At some point between reading the Wikipedia article on “Pete DeFazio” and the UODPS Security Report, I realized that Oregon is absolutely useless and boring and a waste of anyone’s time. The state is known for “mail-in voting” and Portland, which makes Idaho’s “We got dem potatoes!” marketing campaign sound almost appealing.

But the deal was already set. A submission was due! Cry “Havoc!,” and let slip the hounds of gin.

1.PIRG-loving schmucks

Oh, I can already hear the Commentariat whining in protest – “We’ve fought them for years! We exposed them for what they really were! We gave you all of the background material so that you could stop them in Arizona!” Whatever. Somebody had to give them a sense of legitimacy when they were still babes suckling on Nader’s sagging teat, and that somebody is the state of Oregon.

Speaking of taking shit from the worst entities on the face of the earth. . .

2.You gave the world Joey Harrington

As a Lions fan and Detroit-area native, there’s a lot to hate, generally. But Joey Harrington is definitely up on the list.

joey desert lamp

Look at this fucking love connection and its fucking love child

3.Sartorial “Shma-shmortion”

oregon uniforms desert lamp
“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
~University of Oregon Athletic Director Mike Bellotti Oscar Wilde

Stupid people on the internet say, “OMG rly originall making fun of Oregon’s jerseyz.” And of course, being the Internet, this comment is supposed to be sarcastic, and is made in Mom’s basement while wearing battery-acid-colored pajamas.

But look: this is not a matter of originality, or trying to be cute. This is a serious issue that needs addressing. If Congress is having a commission on the BCS , it sure as shit needs to have a commission on this Ralph Lauren fever dream. Where is the FCC when you need them? (Protip: Finding strangers in the Alps .)

4.Duck-Tape

newduckjersey

“So, dude, for Halloween, I duct-taped fucking wings on my shirt sleeves!”
“Uh, why’d you do that?”
“My mom made me. She thought I might get hit by a car at night.”

This is the college football equivalent of this shirt:

dinosaur desert lamp

Minus, of course, the whole “bad-ass” aspect. In other news, Nike is in the process of designing a duck-beak shaped mouth guard.

5.Back-Brain Stimulants

oregon yellow desert lamp

Something about these uniforms reminded me of this quote:

In the control room the Technician mixes a bicarbonate of soda and belches into his hand: “God damned tenor’s a brown artist!” he mutters sourly. “Mike! rumph,” the shout ends in a belch. “Cut that swish fart off the air and give him his purple slip. He’s through as of right now . . . Put in that sex-changed Liz athlete . . . She’s a full-time tenor at least . . . Costume? How in the fuck should I know? I’m no dress designer swish department from the costume department! What’s that ? The entire costume department occluded as a security risk? What am I, an octopus?

OK, not really. I just got this from flipping to a random page in Naked Lunch . Works though, doesn’t it?

This is what happens to the Notre Dame helmets after Charlie Weis is done with them.

oregon-helmet-live

6.Make your own offense-to-all-that-is-decent-in-this-world!

This is a good idea, if potentially dangerous.

Seriously: what the fuck is wrong with your state? Washington has the purple-gold Huskies, and the scarlet-gray Cougars. Kinda butch-femme, but whatever. Meanwhile, fucking Oregon has to go out and have the Chernobyl-yellow-green Ducks play the construction-worker-orange Beavers. Shit like this is why health care is so expensive in this country.

The one thing that hasn’t been said, though, is the fact that UO has only adopted the all-white get-up (white unis, white helmets) on games before Labor Day. Which means that they actually care about shit like this.

Oh, you sad, sad shards of existence.

7.You bastards legitimized Boise State

Everything you needed to know about politics, you learned playing backyard football. And everybody knows that there’s that kinda obnoxious kid, who’s kinda big and probably pretty good. But the kid’s a real fuck – it doesn’t matter why, he’s probably Mormon or something – and nobody wants to hang out with him.

So one day you’re playing football and he says, “Hey, you mind if I play?” You don’t say, “Gosh, gee, sure thing Jimbo! Line up on the left side.” You say, “Fuck you, asshole, we’ve got even teams.” If he plays, and he’s good, you’ll never be able to get rid of him. Ever.

Boise State is that kid of the college football world. They wanted to play with the big kids, and the rest of the country said, “Fuck you, you’re from Idaho.” But not Oregon – nooooooo. So goddamn special. They just had to give the blue-fielded coxswains of the football universe a chance to prove themselves against a “real” team, and they did it – twice.

They were already yesterday’s news – after all the hooplah about beating Oklahoma, they lost to TCU in the fucking Poinsetta Bowl . But like that asshole Brendan Fraser, you just had to bring this national nightmare back from the crypt. (No, it’s not quite as shitty as the Mummy . But it’s close.)

And plus, Jesus Fucking Christ:

boise st desert lamp

This is worse than what Keith Jackson sees in his ketamine binges. (You thought he just ‘retired’? Please.)

8.And you know keeping water fowl, for uh, domestic, you know, within the stadium. . .

ducks desert lamp

Look at these two fucking love-birds

Arizona might have taken away our mascot’s guns , but at least they didn’t cut his balls off and turn him into a Chinese knockoff of a second-rate cartoon:

The nickname for Oregon’s first sports teams was “Webfoots,” coined by longtime Oregonian sports editor L. H. Gregory. The name originated from a group of fishermen from the coast of Massachusetts whose descendants settled in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. When the University of Oregon was founded in 1876, Webfoots was the natural choice for the school’s nickname, because of Oregon’s reputation for wet weather.

Sports reporters later changed the nickname to “Ducks,” and by the 1930s, a small white duck named “Puddles” began to appear to sports events. Beginning in 1940, cartoon drawings of Puddles in student publications began to resemble Donald Duck, and by 1947, Walt Disney was aware of the issue. Capitalizing on his friendship with a Disney cartoonist, Oregon athletic director Leo Harris met Disney and reached an informal handshake agreement that granted the University of Oregon permission to use Donald as its sports mascot.

When Disney lawyers later questioned the agreement in the 1970s, the University produced a photo showing Harris and Disney wearing matching jackets with an Oregon Donald logo. Relying on the photo as evidence of Disney’s wishes, in 1973, both parties signed a formal agreement granting the University the right to use Donald’s likeness as a symbol for (and restricted to) Oregon sports.

‘Webfoots’? ‘Puddles’? Fucking adorable. Too adorable, apparently, for the psilocybin-addled Nike “scientists,” who had to bring in “Mandrake”:

As the story goes, the idea behind the new mascot, which Bartko and other athletics officials call “Mandrake,” spawned from a spring basketball game. When Oregon was in Sacramento, Calif., playing Montana in the NCAA Tournament, athletic officials noticed advantages of having an agile mascot.

Creeps. Apparently, “Mandrake” looked like this.
mandrake

Nightmare Duck will haunt your local Chinese restaurants

I was hoping that it’d look more like this.

ghost

9.They’re gonna kill that poor woman!

Look, I appreciate a good rivalry like any beer-blooded American. But I also understand that there is a certain line in those rivalries. Where that line is depends on what sort of hard liquor is on hand, but no matter what, “kidnapping of women” is on the other side of the line. Apparently, no such line exists in the state of Oregon:

Maybe the most ingenious stunt of all took place in 1957 when four Oregon student athletes, all members of Theta Xi fraternity, decided one night (when they were all bored out of their minds) that wouldn’t it be clever if they could show up at Oregon State’s Homecoming game with Washington State and actually kidnap their Homecoming court.

Which is exactly what they did. Posing as reporters from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, allegedly sent to Corvallis on assignment to do a story on OSC’s game with a Washington school, the three ladies of the court accompanied the “reporters” for a short car ride to Avery Park south of town to shoot photos. Almost right away, the car began heading north toward Salem.

For the next 12 hours the group stayed tucked away at the home of the parents of one of the kidnappers, enjoying a large meal and delighting at how much national publicity the whole story was beginning to generate, including reports that the entire Oregon State football team was out looking for the court. Because Homecoming Queen Pearl Friel was native Hawaiian, it was also rumored that football players from the University of Hawaii were threatening to travel to Oregon to deal with the situation.

This, mind you, is from the Oregon State write-up – topped only by this OSU Alumni summary:

However, the prank of all pranks took place just before OSU’s Homecoming game with Washington State in 1957. Posing as journalists from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, four UO athletes “kidnapped” Oregon State’s Homecoming court members and took them to Salem, where the home of one of the “nappers” was used to entertain the three coeds (the parents of the student had dinner waiting) for over 12 hours.

Because it happened in the ’50s, kidnapping is OK? Actual quote from one of the kidnappers: “We phoned our president’s office and were told that the prank was OK, provided we didn’t break any laws and if nothing ‘physical’ happened.”

You fucking people. Stay the hell away from our women.

10.Your bullshit trail killed Kenny

kenny dead

You bastards!

Recovered Property

October 20th, 2009 by D

Simpsons

“Simpsons did it!”

It has recently come to our attention that the Comic Press, a “newspaper” at the University of Oregon, has been running a twitter feed titled “ASUO Spew” for quite some time. We have sat idly by while the Comic Press has made use of our own recycled jokes, references and phrases over the last two years, but this is the final straw.

(more…)

Going Dutch

October 16th, 2009 by D

Reagan

“We’ve got to save the Alaskan Moose habitat!”

Earlier this morning I was reflecting upon my meeting with OSPIRG (and subsequent blog post) with a few friends when we came across a stunning realization.

OSPIRG is run by Reaganites.

Think about it. Every time you speak with one of these “campus organizers” they tell you that the money you spend spent on OSPIRG goes towards lobbyists, who in turn “try to lower textbook costs, tuition and work on environmental issues”. Of course this is a very roundabout way of doing things, as the direct correlation between money spent and money returned cannot be mapped out on paper.

It hit us like a ton of bricks… OSPIRG is a fan of trickle-down economics. Needless to say, we never thought the shady organization would be associated with policies popularized by Ronald Reagan.

Congratulations on your entry to the Republican party, OSPIRG. You’re right at home with all the other dirty thieves.

Oregon Commentator Editor-in-Chief Wins 3 Nobel Prizes

October 9th, 2009 by D

Drew With NOBELS

“What you know about that, Obama?”

It was announced on Friday that Drew Cattermole, editor-in-chief of the Oregon Commentator, was awarded three Nobel prizes for his work in various fields ranging from the sciences to his work in humanitarian efforts.

“I pretty much expected this,” said Cattermole, “I mean, how could I not? Look at me.”

Cattermole’s prizes were delivered early Friday morning to his west university home after which, in true “Thunderlove” form, he promptly lost two of them.

“I’m not sure where the other two went but I think the last one is being used as a coaster by my roommate or something,” he said.

Although Cattermole couldn’t recall which prizes he had won, the Nobel Prize Committee’s website said he had taken home three of the most coveted prizes:

Nobel Prize List 2009-10

Nobel Prize for Geography: Drew Cattermole – “Has hoes in different area codes”

Nobel Prize for Tolerance: Drew Cattermole – “Can ingest three 40’s of PBR in a single hour”

Nobel Prize for Linguistics: Drew Cattermole – “Invented 340 new ways to use the word “chillin”

Cattermole said he planned to celebrate his success by, “Puttin’ it on a chain and flashin’ it all up in D’Andrea’s face.”

Congratulations Drew.

Picture of the Day

September 3rd, 2009 by Vincent

Happened across this great picture at the always-excellent Shorpy Photo Archive:

tax-clock

You can tell by that guy’s hat that he exploits the working class.

The Flame that Burns Twice as Bright Burns Half as Long

August 6th, 2009 by Vincent

With the Obama Administration on its last legs after less than a year, having spent what was left of its political capital in a savage, blood-soaked gladiator brawl over questions about the President’s place of birth and in the wake of ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s sudden resignation from office and her subsequent abortive foray into avant-garde poetry, rumors abounded that the Oregon Commentator’s own Sudsy O’Sullivan was already preparing for an easy cruise through the 2012 election.

Sadly, it seems that Sudsy’s Presidential ambitions have been stymied before the beloved anthropomorphic mug of beer’s campaign even got of the ground with the revelation that Mr. O’Sullivan was, in fact, born in Kenya.

Via operatives planted at the headquarters of the “Birther” movement, the Oregon Commentator has obtained a copy of Sudsy O’Sullivan’s birth certificate, which we have reproduced below:

nirther

Despite torpedoing President Obama’s entire Administration and forcing the nascent O’Sullivan campaign to scuttle its plans for a 2012 run, one of the leading lights in the so-called “Birther” movement, the amusingly named Orly Taitz, has praised California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger, saying:

Governor Schwartzenegger has done a fantastic job here in California. The state has never been in better shape. People poke a lot of fun at Governor Schwartzenegger’s so-called “accent”, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s a patriotic American, through and through.

In fact, we’re hoping he’ll consider a 2012 Presidential run because we’re confident he has a good shot at the Oval Office. At least he’s demonstrated that he knows how to run a responsible budget, unlike that stinking foreigner who’s been treating America like Occupied Poland since January 20th…

Haley vs. Kallaway: Still Beefin’

August 3rd, 2009 by CJ Ciaramella

Word on the street (and not just from anonymous blog comments) is that erstwhile ASUO presidential candidate Michelle Haley filed yet another grievance against ASUO executive Emma Kallaway today. I lost count a while ago; what’s the ’09 grievance count up to?

A man on the street today also told me that McDonald’s new Angus burgers actually use longhorn beef. According to said man, he sent a sample to a lab where his friend worked, which confirmed the non-Angus properties. This man may have been lying/insane.

More updates to come if I can find the energy to give a rat’s ass.

Because Objectivists are Silly

July 17th, 2009 by Vincent

arflowchart2copy

(via Cracked)

Breaking: Activists Still Stupid

July 9th, 2009 by CJ Ciaramella

The Big O is reporting that authorities have a arrested a large group of activists who were blocking a logging road near the Elliot State Forest. The action was organized by Cascadia Rising Tide and Earth First!. A lot of the activists no doubt came from the Cascadia Summer Action Camp, which was based largely out of Eugene. The activists have a website up at forestdefensenow.org (as opposed to forest defense sometime in the foreseeable future).  Besides the obvious silliness of a person sitting in a tree and crapping in a bucket, the Oregonian explains why the protest is absurd:

Earlier this week, Jasmine Zimmer-Stucky of the group Cascadia Rising Tide said the activists are trying to protect native forests that help prevent global warming by storing carbon, as well as providing habitat for northern spotted owls, marbled murrelet and salmon. The blockade was the culmination of the Round River Rendezvous, an annual gathering of Earth First and other groups, she said.

State forestry officials said surveys in 2005 and 2006 found no evidence of marbled murrelets nesting in the 79-acre timber sale site. Spotted owls live in the Elliott State Forest, and about half the 93,000-acre forest is set aside as owl habitat and cannot be logged.

Several small seasonal streams run through the sale area. A year-round stream also runs through the unit, but it does not have migratory fish runs, according to the forestry department. Buffer zones have been established near yet another stream that empties into the Umpqua River.

So what you have, in effect, is a bunch of activists locking themselves down to protest a relatively small, well-planned and conscientious logging operation. Of course, the poseur revolutionaries at the Student Insurgent will let no such facts get in the way of their environmental zeal. No compromise in defense of mother earth!

Snark aside, if y’all want to actually do something proactive for the environment, rather than play martyr, there are NGO’s out there that use these things called “science” and “money” to identify important wilderness areas, buy the property and preserve them. The biggest is perhaps the  Nature Conservancy, but there are plenty of other local ones, such as the McKenzie River Trust. Remember, kiddos, money talks just as loud, if not louder, than a stinky hippie in a tree.

Student Insurgent Endorses Fiscal Conservatism!

May 28th, 2009 by Vincent

In the latest issue of the Student Insurgent (at least I think it’s the latest… aside from a calendar advertising events in May at the “Eugene Free School”, I can’t find a date anywhere on this thing), noted advocates for fiscal responsibility, Joey Beats and Cimmeron Gillespie fire a devastating broadside against the Student Rec Center, admonishing the Rec Center for its profligate ways.

We couldn’t agree more! In fact, former OC Editor-in-Chief Ted Niedermeyer scooped the Insurgent on this story about two years ago (story begins on page 20). Still, it’s nice to see the Insurgent kids finally take notice of the massive misallocation of student dollars at the University of Oregon:

This problem of funding as [sic] been a constant issues [sic] for the Rec. Center, as they have gone before student government asking for more money, year after year and received in full, [sic] their requested funding… Such waste is intolerable given the national financial state and our own Fat-Katz administration’s promises of ‘fiscal responsibility’.

No doubt it’s only a matter of time before these newly minted fiscal conservatives at the Insurgent join the Oregon Commentator in demanding higher standards of accountability and less wasteful spending of student money across the board in the ASUO.

Will they reverse their support of that notorious money sink known as OSPIRG? Hope springs eternal.

Then again, one of their letters to the editor in the latest issue describes how the Insurgent gang gave some random anarchist a ride to the Bay Area in a “state-owned” van and proceeded to go “to the co-ops in Berkeley for a naked, neon good time,” so I’m not getting my hopes up.

One can only wonder if that trip was paid for by student money and, if it was, how the Insurgent staff squares that with their sudden commitment to prudent fiscal management.

[EDIT]

The next column in the Insurgent, attributed to “Greenwash Guerillas”, lambasts the U of O for it’s attempts at “greenwashing” through the use of carbon offsets. It begins with the paragraph:

Carbon offsets follow the same logic as indulgences did for the Catholic Church centuries ago. Offsetting argues that if you do something “bad” you can mitigate that by paying someone to do something “good” in your name.

Did we buy up the Insurgent with some of that blog contest money and someone just forgot to tell me, or something?

Your Tax Dollars at Work, Part 34634

January 26th, 2009 by Vincent

Now that Barack Obama has ascended moved into the Oval Office, our country is ready to tackle the big problems, the tough questions, the fundamental issues that have bedeviled us for the past eight years and dragged this once-great country into the gutter of financial ruin and international ignominy.

I am, of course, talking about perverts with cell phone cameras. Hot off the desk of Representative Pete King (R-NY), we have H.R.414, which has been given the dramatic moniker “Camera Phone Predator Alert Act.” If passed, this crucial new law

[r]equires any mobile phone containing a digital camera to sound a tone whenever a photograph is taken with the camera’s phone. Prohibits such a phone from being equipped with a means of disabling or silencing the tone.

With the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan basically wrapped up and the economy on a confident upswing, it’s heartening to know that our government is finally able to spend at least some of its time writing laws forcing cell phone manufacturers to include a “camera shutter” sound that can’t be disabled so that we, the public at large, will know when some degenerate is taking our photograph.

What more could one expect from as dedicated a public servant as Representative King, who was last heard exhorting his colleagues to join him in “supporting the goals and ideals of the Knights of Pythias“?

Indeed, as we begin to get our W-2’s in the mail, we can rest assured that our tax dollars will not only end up as part of a massive bailout package for failing industries and pay raises for our bold civic leaders. Some of that money will go toward making sure wasted sorority girls receive an audible cue whenever a sleazefuck frat boy takes a topless picture of them on their iPhone.

America breathes a sigh of relief.

Papailiou, Yours Truly Apply for Senate Seats

January 10th, 2009 by CJ Ciaramella

ASUO Exec Sam Dotters-Katz has appointed former Senate President Athan Papailiou to the seat recently vacated by Kate Jones. Papailiou is a strong advocate for fiscal responsibility and a friend of the Commentator. He was elected on the Campaign for Change slate and served as Senate President for most of last year.

Also, after consulting with my Senate Exploratory Committee, I have applied for the vacant journalism seat on Senate. Both of our confirmation hearings will be on Wednesday and will be hilarious. For example, here is the cover letter I sent along with my application:

Dear Associated Students of the University of Oregon;

I am writing to apply for ASUO Senate Seat 19: Journalism. I am a journalism major and nominally more intelligent than a trained circus bear, which, from what I’ve seen, qualifies me for the position.

I am interested in the position because the chairs in the ASUO Boardroom look really, really comfortable. Sometimes there are also snacks for ASUO Senators. I am so down for that. I wish to become a part of the ASUO nobility and trod the lowly plebs beneath my gilded feet.

I’m a firm believer in strong, autocratic government. My biggest influences in this regard are, in ascending order: Teddy Roosevelt, Ghengis Khan and Conan (the barbarian). Enclosed is my application, my resume and a picture of me shaking hands with President Frohnmayer. (He’s my bro.) I look forward to hearing your response. Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely,

Carl Ciaramella

Tony Diep is God

January 6th, 2009 by Scott Younker

I realize that this “news” came out yesterday but at the time I dismissed it as trivial (it still is). Also, I didn’t actually read the article until today while I was bored at work.

The point is that in a stunning display of “journalism” our intrepid Emerald reporter managed to get all the information about the year 1999 from one person, Tony Diep.

Sure, Diep is a self-described pop-aficiando but in an article with a head line that leads me to believe we’re actually getting a flashback this was just disappointing. Mostly this article was Diep getting to be nostalgic. Whoo.

Really though, the opening paragraph is money:

As 13-year-olds growing up in Southeast Portland, Tony Diep and his friends carefully closeted their love of bubble gum pop music. Instead of partaking in the wars waged among Britney, Christina and the plethora of 1999 boy band fans, the teens opted to lip-synch to DMX beats played on Jammin’ FM 95.5. Secretly, Diep rooted for the Backstreet Boys while his ‘N Sync-crazed friend “hated them.”
“In 1999, everyone was trying really hard to be cool,” Diep said. “It was the beginning of the crazy pop phase; a less extreme version of it.”

Our intrepid reporter seems to be talking about a coming out party here.

But before you get lost in the ridiculous that is Diep, don’t forget that Andrew Pomeroy got in on the act late in the game with two random quotes. Apparently, Pomeroy used to like Limpbizkit but now realizes that was a mistake and he hates Soulja Boy and the word “hyphy.”

Thank god for his insights.

The Truth Will Out (Itself)!

December 23rd, 2008 by Vincent

It seems that an “internal review” by the incoming Obama Administration has concluded that the incoming Obama Administration wasn’t involved — no way, no how — with any of disgraced Democratic Illinois governor and political albatross Rod Blagojevich’s shady dealings. Phew! Thank goodness we’ve got that cleared up!

In other news, Bush Administration officials have produced an internal review that shows that the Bush Administration had absolutely zero knowledge of torture during interrogations of suspected terrorists, the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt produced an internal report proving that the Roosevelt Administration didn’t know about the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II, and Bill Clinton maintains that he didn’t inhale.

Do you have a flag?

December 15th, 2008 by CJ Ciaramella

Those knuckleheads over at the Big O are holding a contest to create a new state flag. They’ve already narrowed the submissions down to ten, dreadful entries, and they want you, the good citizens of Oregon, to vote for the winner. Here’s my favorite (favorite as in most repulsive), which apparently displays a gravy boat floating in a sea of blood and illuminated by the star of Bethlehem:

Designed by a kindergarten class … I mean, Eddy Lyons, 42.

The winning flag will be presented to the state legislature, who will promptly laugh and disregard it.

P.S. Headline reference here.