The OC Blog Back Issues Our Mission Contact Us Masthead
Sudsy Wants You to Join the Oregon Commentator

Tell your parents that the C- is LaMichael’s fault

We all know that a winning team is good for enrollment, but it turns out that the same success is bad for the GPA. A study conducted by three of UO’s own, Professors Glen R. Waddell and Jason M. Lindo and GTF Issac D. Swensen compared undergraduate GPAs from 1997 to 2007 to the Duck’s percentage of football wins, finding that more games won correlated with a decline in grades. This effect was found to be greater for males than females, unsurprisingly. The authors attributed this to an increase in the frequency and intensity of tailgating and general daydreaming.

“I teach these students,” said Waddell to the New York Times, “And I know that on Thursdays there’s this subtle distraction in the classroom, and the game isn’t even until Saturday.”

Beckstein was refreshingly open, stating, “it’s consistent with the culture on campus and the culture at this university where a stronger emphasis is put on athletic success than on academic success.” Case in point: the Phil Knight Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good (And Who Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff, Too). Everyone knows that athletes learn best behind the security of a shallow moat!

“I would like to try and understand the factors involved to coming to that conclusion,” responded UO Athletic spokesman Dave Williford, “Statistics can prove anything. But that’s my personal opinion and not necessarily the university’s.”

He then allegedly crushed an empty Gameday against his forehead, screaming “GO DUCKS!”

  1. Torero says:

    Actually, football has no demonstrated effect on enrollment. The last time the Ducks went to the Rose Bowl, enrollment skyrocketed. The school threw a massive PR party and everybody was going on about how the football team was responsible.

    The people who said that said it because they were stupid.

    Enrollment grew at all colleges in the state that year. It actually grew by more at Oregon State. It wasn’t football, it was the economy.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.