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Archive for January, 2012OSPIRG Reveals New Year’s Resolution: Be Bigger Money-Grubbing Whores Than Ever Before!January 9th, 2012 by Kellie B.As reported by the Ol’ Dirty, OSPIRG is looking for a 97 percent increase in funding, upping their budget to a whopping $150,000. What have they done to deserve this? Nothing so far. But the majority of the Senate and their Finance Committee are OSPIRG supporters, so poor decisions will most likely abound. The Commentator will keep you updated as the stupidity unfolds. The Adminstration CaresJanuary 9th, 2012 by Melissa HaskinSee they sent us an email:
So free venting and no one will remember or care about anything you say? But they’ll listen? Sounds like a bar with a lot less alcohol. I’ll be at Rennies along with the rest of the student body if you want to join.
Summer Tuition HikedJanuary 9th, 2012 by Kellie B.The State Board of Higher Education has increased Summer tuition rates for all Oregon State universities, meaning a 7.5 percent increase for UO. “We’re telling students all the time work hard, get an education, but we’re also putting an increase in financial burden on the shoulders of students to fund their own education,” Beckstein told KEZI, “It’s getting unmanageable, unpredictable, and unaffordable.” Alliterated, and true. An Oregon University System spokesman rationalized that this increase simply aligned summer rates with academic year rates. Whatevs, no one cares about student debt anyways. Candidates for the Good Parenting Award!January 5th, 2012 by HaileyOn December 30th, The Oregonian reported that a Portland couple was arrested for selling heroin with their four kids in the car. Quite the scandal, obviously. The county/police/U.S. attorney are all up in a fuss, though I don’t know why, (kids love heroin) and the assistant to the U.S. attorney, Leah Bolstad decided to eloquently and poignantly verbalize what the major issue is, “They’re selling a product that kills people in this community.” HOLD THE PHONE. Is she trying to tell me that heroin kills people?! Now this, this is news. I am so glad she made that observation, otherwise I would probably still be sprinkling the sweet opiate on my morning cereal. Bolstad also noted that the couple is currently receiving $1,100 from the state in food stamps per month, despite the $84,249 in drug money that was found in their apartment. I only have two questions in response to this, 1. How does one get into selling heroin? If I had $84,000 I could quit my job at The Nile….If any of you devoted readers happen to “know a guy,” tell him to contact me. 2. In the event that I can’t break into the heroin biz, how does one get food stamps?! $1,100 dollars a month could buy so many Totinos Party Pizzas, and I would even have money left over to stock up on Arnold Palmer. Can you buy Four Loko with food stamps?? Again, important questions, contact me if you have the answers. Don’t worry though, we still live in America, so the kids have been seized and the couple is facing immigration holds. If you can’t beat ‘em, deport ‘em! I Smell Roses–For Real This TimeJanuary 3rd, 2012 by Ashley
It seems as thought all that athletic investment has finally paid off. In case you didn’t already know (in which case, that’s one impressively titanic rock you’ve cloistered yourself under), the Oregon Ducks won the Rose Bowl yesterday 45-38 after a nearly neck-and-neck game with the Wisconsin Badgers. After two years of lost bowls, the Ducks have proved that the third time’s the charm, and effectively prevented the riotous burning of dozens of couches/cars/miscellany in the west campus area. Good for you, guys. Congratulations to the football team, and may this win inspire much drunken carousing by the student body in the coming term. In the meantime, enjoy this clip of the always stoic Chip Kelly literally leaping for joy. |
