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Archive for June, 2012

Vicotry For Aclhol, Commentaorts Celebr#ate! (OLCC Ban Fails)

June 29th, 2012 by Ben Schorr

Drink up more than usual, friends! Today we rejoice as the Oregon Liquor Control Commission discontinues plans to ban cheap drinks in parts of Oregon. The OLCC was trying to make downtown Portland an “Alcohol Impact Area,” (not as fun as it sounds) giving the city of Portland the ability to prohibit businesses from selling disorderly-conduct-causing drinks like malt liquor and inexpensive wine.

So why am I drunk off of a 40 of Mickey’s in downtown Portland as I type this? Many personal reasons actually, but what I mean is, why are they still available downtown? Because it’s been determined that the OLCC doesn’t have the authority to establish AIAs to be recognized by Oregon state law. Cheap booze will live to be drank another day (or should I say, every day) but the city will try to push similar legislation next year.

This conclusion was reached just recently, but the plan has been supported by the organization and Portland officials for two years, and it’s sentiment can still be seen in the community despite the loss. Many businesses have stopped selling the controversial beverages voluntarily, even though the overall reaction of shop owners was mixed when the plan was first proposed.

Due to loss of alcohol related sales, Apu gets a side job.

One of the major arguments for enacting the ban was the supposed success in Seattle, cited by Theresa Marchetti in her original proposal. While the statistics look nice, other sources show that results varied and were ultimately disappointing as people simply found different ways to get intoxicated.

Banning sales of cheap alcohol not only infringes on responsible drinkers and store owners, but it could have some very detrimental results. History has shown that if a person wants a drink, they’re going to get a drink. I see two possible outcomes of this ban. 1) It simply moves riff-raff to another part of the city. Unlike downtown, most parts of Portland are more family-oriented and have more children residents. If we have to have it, let’s at least keep the belligerency in downtown. 2) It creates non-OLCC recognized suppliers in troubled areas. We could be looking at a full on hobo mafia here.

Movements like these have good intentions but generally become a hassle for law abiding citizens and lack worthy results. For example, Portland city commissioner Randy Leonard pushed legislation to lock up spray paint in 2008. It made sales of spray paint to the average Portlander very tedious, and outright banned sales of spray paint to people under 18. Yay graffiti is done! Actually, no significant results have been seen, but you still have to fill out that goddam clipboard in order to paint your bike.

Speaking of geographic memory devices that sexualize fictional characters, anyone in the “Harry Potter Fuck Me Hard” neighborhood can attest that parts of Eugene have staggering alcohol related crime rates as well. Downtown Portland would have been the first AIA in Oregon, but if it passes next year, will it be the last?

Little do these prohibitioners know, Thaddeus T. Rumplebottom was waiting in the sewer with his mouth open.

Past OC articles on the subject

New President is Made FB Offish

June 15th, 2012 by Ben Schorr

Well, we got a new guy. After a four month confidential search process with 22 board members, the powers-that-be decided on Michael Gottfredson. The decision was announced today, June 15, and he will begin his presidency on August 1st, replacing interim president Robert Berdhal. This all follows the sketchy removal of Richard Lariviere. We don’t have any reason to make fun of this new guy yet, but watch yourself Gottfredson. We were called sophomoric and embarrassing by our last president, and we don’t plan on giving up the title.

To be fair, Gottfredson has very noteworthy credentials. He’s taught as a criminology professor, a subject that he has a PhD in, and taught law and sociology as well. He’s served as provost and executive vice chancellor for UC Irvine since 2000, doing a swagtastic job (their words, not mine). He’s got jokes too. During a visit to campus, Gottfredson boasted that UC Irvine has never lost a game to the Ducks, omitting the fact that UCI has no team. Okay, maybe you had to be there. But the point is, this guy’s not too shabby so far.

Gottfredson has been going around campus meeting officials and student leaders. He had a “friendly introductory meeting” with Nike founder and UO donor Phil Knight, in which Gottfredson signed away his soul and first-born. The only thing that would make this any more true to the UO would be if they called it an “introducktory meeting,” and the crowd from Taylor’s had shouted “Scoo Ducks!” sporadically throughout the conversation.

Despite giving humorously brief answers in interviews, Gottfredson has been nothing but enthusiastic about receiving the position. He says he will work to improve the lives of citizens, and that this is his life work. For us at the Commentator this is a win-win. If Gottfredson is successful it will be beneficial for our community, the future of our school, and the well-being of students. But if he fails it’s more fun to write about. Still, this guy seems cool, so far. So, Gottfredson, we wish you luck.

Plus, look at him having fun with an ethnic student!

OSU’s “Open Minds” My Ass.

June 13th, 2012 by Ben Schorr

Is it getting hot in here? Or is it global warming? If you’re asking Nicholas Drapela, it’s probably just Nicholas Drapela. This total hottie, according to RateMyProfessor, was fired from his teaching (professing?) position in the Department of Chemistry at Oregon State University. And not for the fact that “rape” is literally in the middle of his name, but because he spoke out against the University on a controversial issue.

Drapela challenged global warning, and claimed there was a conflict of interest among the University and science community to perpetuate the theory. The administration refused to give a reason for firing him but the motives were clear to those familiar with Drapela and the University’s stance. “I was probably the most visibly-outspoken critic of the Global Warming doctrine at OSU,” he said in an email to “I gave several public talks on the topic and did research in the area which I regularly posted on the web. I was also on a few talk radio shows in the area. I think they finally just said, we can’t have this.” Apparently Drapela’s spicy good looks couldn’t save him from termination, and he now has to look for other work in the godforsaken city of Corvallis.

Let’s keep in mind that the validity of global warming is not at all the issue here. What is important is the ability to show a dissenting opinion without fear of persecution. Both sides to a controversial issue should be respected in higher learning centers, and at OSU (zing!). We may poke fun, but ousting a well-liked and qualified person for having a differing opinion or agenda isn’t unique to OSU, lest we forget the Hat. I recommend that OSU students follow our example and don’t let this kind of action from their administration go unchecked. It may not bring their professor back, but it would show that if a respectable staff member gets fired for questionable reasons, the administration should prepare for a shirt-wearing shitstorm of moderate proportions.

A photo of free speech for professors.

EDIT: Thank you, “The Old Man,” for the correction.

“The Ironing is Delicious.” And Fucked Up.

June 12th, 2012 by Nick Ekblad

In reading The Daily Caller this morning, I couldn’t help but notice a pair of ironically “punny” events. It’s like we’re living in a crappy movie. It’s too perfect. Don’t deny they don’t get you thinking about the apocalypse. It’s a chilling trend we see– indeed less severe than the recent outbreak of cannibalism, these events are  all too coincidental:

Lady Gaga gets “Poked-in-her-face”, suffers concussion.

‘Kindness of America’ author hospitalized after ‘random’ drive-by shooting.

Wrinkle-free in a post-apocalyptic world


The Tater Awards Issue, Hot Off the Press

June 11th, 2012 by Ashley

The Tater Awards Issue is now available for your viewing pleasure. Anarchists! Bike Lanes! Whitney Houston! All served up with some nice, buttery snarkiness.

The People Have Spoken

June 7th, 2012 by Ashley

Well, this guy has, anyway.

Three likes. Three likes. I believe that constitutes a job well-done.

(Oh, and here’s the article the comment is attached to, in case anyone cares. Whatever.)


June 6th, 2012 by Rebecca

Ol’ Dirty Drops the D

June 5th, 2012 by Ashley

D for Daily. They’ll always be Dirty in our hearts.

Starting next year, the Daily Emerald will cease production of their daily newspaper, and instead turn their attention to becoming an all-encompassing media company called the Emerald Media Group. This will entail publishing two bikweekly printed issues, as well as featuring “real-time news, community engagement, photo galleries and video on the web, mobile and social media, new web and mobile apps,” according to Ars Technica.

According to the Emerald, part of the reason for the change is financial, with advertising dollars disappearing while publishing costs remain the same. “The competition for the student ad dollar today is not (another newspaper.)” said Emerald publisher Ryan Frank in an interview with Ars Technica. “It’s Facebook and Twitter and YouTube. This is about following where the industry is going, about how we train our students to do the jobs that exist today.”

However, distribution and mission-related concerns also played into the final decision. As the Emerald notes in their brief on the new plan, “Daily is too slow. Our newsroom will report in real-time on our website, on mobile apps and through social media. We will wrap up our report with a morning email edition Monday-to-Friday. We will add blogs on topics relevant to college students, such as football, fashion and sex. We will engage with readers through whatever digital channel is most relevant to them.”

Only time will tell if this grand experiment succeeds, or falls flat on its face. Maybe it’ll take off, maybe even fewer people will read the Emerald. Maybe Ethos will laugh at EMG’s layouts at every turn. Hopefully fewer printed dailies will end up clogging storm drains on Alder. It’s going to be an experiment, and one hell of a jump.

“It’s time for a revolution,” the Emerald claims in a video promoting the upcoming change in direction. “Something completely different.”

However, one thing’s for sure: the Commentator will always find a way to make fun of our friends at the Ol’ Dirty. Cheers.

Newly-Confirmed Justice Cedar Cosner Faces Possible Removal in the Fall

June 4th, 2012 by Rebecca

Last week, ASUO Senator Lindy Mabuya called for the removal of former Elections Coordinator and newly-confirmed Con Court Justice Cedar Cosner.

Cosner is accused of throwin’ a rager in February and charging a $3 entrance fee that went towards the Ben & Lamar Campaign.


I thought fratboyz were the only people douchie enough to charge toll at a party? And what kind of sorry person was willing to pay this fee? Better yet, what kind of sorry person was trying to get into this ASUO Elections Coordinator party? Well this has been a year of firsts for the ASUO, and being deadweek and all they ain’t decent enough to give it a goddamn rest.

Despite all of the sleep I’m losing over these kinds of questions, I’m sure the allegations are true and that Cosner raked in a considerable $12 or so. After all, Cosner’s behavior stirred the concern of Franklin Bains earlier this year when he lead a protest against the UO Athletic Department while he was acting as the Elections Coordinator. And whatever Bains says, I listen.

But lucky for ODE readers, lucky for 1-2 people here at the Commentator, and unfortunately for a few bloodthirsty ASUOer’s,  this Mabuya v. Cosner case won’t be heard ’til the fall, but it will be publicly heard! Just like the Beckstein v. Sam D-K hearing earlier this year– which, let it be known, was essentially my recurring wet nightmare taking place on the second floor of the Law School.

Well thanks Mabuya. Now I know how I’ll be spending my summer. In an anxious ball on the floor rocking quietly until Cosner’s fate is decided of course.

An anxious rocking ball too? Read the ODE article.