A lot happens when you go to college. After the weed is gone, the hangover subsides, and you somehow end up with a degree, college boils down to life experience. All the beliefs we have are actually tested. Our morals are examined and some hypotheticals start to become reality. Our responses to these experiences affect the rest of our lives. But how do you handle that kind of stress? The stress of being ripped out of childhood and forced into adulthood can signify the violent transition we all have to face. Some people conform and become boring. Others become angry and rely on crutches. But I very recently discovered that the best way to handle any kind of stress is comedy.

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According to The Register-Guard and UO Matters, University President Richard Lariviere has been diagnosed with early-stage prostate cancer. Surgery to remove the tumor has been scheduled and Lariviere will be out for about a month total, with Provost Jim Bean to run the University’s day-to-day affairs in the interim, which sounds surprisingly like “Jim Beam.” All jokes about the University being run by a bottle of bourbon aside, we all wish President Lariviere a full and speedy recovery.

Public affairs:

• Transparency critics: The Emerald’s run an article saying the UO has “made strides to appease transparency critics” over, or possibly by, its appointment of Randy Geller as legal honcho. That’s presumably correct if “transparency critics” are what they sound like, which is people who hate transparency. Long live the opaque, no? “It’s not a politically charged job,” UO Law School cheese Margie Paris says, presumably speaking through a trans-dimensional portal from a universe in which the spending of public money is not politically charged. The Emerald’s Stefan Verbano does appear to have managed to interview Geller, which is, I suppose, another coup for him. On the other hand, though, he doesn’t seem to have managed to talk to anyone skeptical of Geller’s hire, or incorporated any understanding of why people really criticized the UO’s legal arm in the first place into his article, which seems like a moral failure. Honestly, I don’t think the UO would have liked to see the piece written any differently, which is disappointing coming from Verbano, who has been really promising. (Emerald)
• Property deals: The UO plans to buy a new property so it can build an exciting parking lot/exciting warehouse/exciting strip mall/exciting garage. It would cost $1.9 million. I promise you I’d post a map if I had any idea from the article where it was, but I can’t even tell what town it’s in, honestly. Springfield, yes? (Register-Guard)
• Buildings: The UO’s getting a $4 million upgrade to its Computing Center. (Register-Guard)
• Tragedy: After a sunny article yesterday about a program helping ‘Nam vets get back on their feet, the Emerald’s Mat Wolf writes one today full of awful nuggets of quantified tragedy. More than 10 percent of Oregon’s homeless are veterans. There are 19 separate squatter villages populated primarily with homeless veterans in Central Oregon alone, and that’s only the ones the Central Oregon Veterans Outreach group knows about. Many of them are addicted to drugs, or suffering from PTSD. (Emerald)
• Verdigris-lite: There is a competition going on. It is to see which U.S. college has the most energy-efficient dorms. The keys, the head of the Resident Hall Association says, are “sharing mini-fridges, unplugging appliances overnight, turning off lights when leaving a room, and using dryers for full loads of clothes only.” Plug-in appliances and electric lights are included but not heat or water. UO climate czar Steve Mital says it’s part of the UO’s “Climate Action Plan,” which seeks to make the UO carbon-neutral by 2050. Considering that the thunderclouds of greenhouse gases emitted whenever a plane carries a UO student to school are counted in that carbon footprint, I venture to guess that whatever dent this project makes will be relatively inconsequential. (Emerald)
• Lungs: One rally by a faction in favor of “encourag[ing] campus conversation by smoking” and another by a “pro-smoking cessation” faction happened simultaneously in the EMU Thursday. Full disclosure: the first person mentioned in the article is one of my roommates, and the other is pictured in the foreground of the attached photo. (Emerald)
• Democracy, contd.: The state house will be half-and-half after the last election in terms of party composition, which is not a reference to a defunct UPN sitcom, and the Senate is still too close to call. Republicans gained seats; Democrats lost them. If you want to read Emerald reporter Ian Geronimo’s typically understated article on the subject, you will see a quote from the Tea Party Express, presumably an articulated version of the full Tea Party that costs more to board, covers less ground, and has fewer points. (Emerald)
• More Geller news: UO Matters says Randy Geller’s contract is a sleeper hit. (Emerald)

Opinion:

• The Emerald’s Mark Costigan writes his best column yet, examining the stories of illegal immigrants.
• Editorials: The Emerald, having called on students to vote against Measure 74 two weeks ago, now laments the failure of Measure 74. I’m serious. It’s actually from yesterday, but the Emerald for some reason uploaded completely different content to its RSS feed than appeared in the paper. The Guard, meanwhile, says both parties ought to fix this budget thing, probably together. It also thinks Eugene could do with a committee devoted to transport.
• Letters: A student chides the town’s newspapers for what she sees as skimpy coverage of what she sees as abuses by police on Halloween, in a letter she may have written herself. A very similar post is up on a new blog set up to critique the Eugene Police Department. (Emerald) Meanwhile, one Guard reader wants the government to stimulate her economy with $100, and another scolds everyone who voted for Measure 73. (Register-Guard)

Scene:

• Want to nerd out to cider? Ethos has an article and a video for that! (Ethos)

Sports:

• There’s a murmur of the genuine about Oregon Football fingertip-of-choice Nate Costa in this interview with the Emerald. His reaction to being second choice feels coached, but I can imagine his eyes lighting up when he says he and his teammates “dreamed of these things when we were freshmen hanging out in Barnhart,” and he’s answering a different question, so you kind of feel like it might be from the bottom of his heart. (Emerald)
• Not being able to play seems to be a theme of this Emerald Game Day supplement, and two red-shirted running backs tell the Emerald how they dealt with it. One got in a funk, another got hard-headed. It’s actually a pretty decent story. (Emerald)
• Emerald sports-honcho Lucas Clark’s The Daily counterpart bests him at predicting a pasting for the Hated Huskies. (Emerald)
• Here’s the Guard’s OF recruiting update. (Register-Guard)
• OF’s offensive line has a very complicated job, if anyone wondered. They might want to watch out for one of the Hated Huskies’ defensive linemen. (Emerald)
• Hey, did you know the Hated Huskies will miss throwing numen Jake Locker this weekend? That doesn’t mean OF is expecting an easy game or anything, though. Also, other games involving hated rivals. (Emerald)
• Emerald sports-klaxon Andy Drukarev says baseball’s not doing so hot. (Emerald)
• The fact that Oregon Volleyball can have a losing record in its conference and still be ranked No. 20 shows how little I understand about college volleyball. “We do need some more wins,” one of the OV players said. OV plays the Hated Wildcats and the Hated Sun Devils soon.
• Oregon Basketball (M) is set to start against Hated trans-Kincaid Street rivals the Hated B(e)acons. (Emerald)
• Meanwhile, Oregon Soccer evidently needs a “.500 record” to make a post-season tournament, a number that, as I feel very passionately about soccer, I believe has no meaning in soccer, and if it does in NCAA soccer, it needs to stop. I think the writer means “28 points,” which is a real thing. (Emerald)

Public affairs:

• Democracy: We now have someone we can call the “once-and-future governor,” and there are deadlock-like situations in both houses of the state legislature. The Emerald has ambiguously confrontational language. The Guard has racing metaphors, the Oregonian is not stingy.
• Democracy (II): Relatively few students vote, probably, a case somewhat overstated here. (Weekly)
• Equality: Despite some promising indicators, mostly women get a pretty raw deal when it comes to getting and keeping jobs. (Emerald)
• Escaping the gutter: The Emerald features a program by St. Vincent de Paul that tries to get homeless ‘Nam vets back on their feet. (Emerald)
• Verdigris: The Emerald’s Franklin Bains is introduced to some people who like the new position the ASUO has created. (Emerald)
• ASUO: There was a Senate meeting. Some people got the titles they were looking for, others were denied. Some groups got money. Everyone, at one point or another, got miffed, probably at its root because of the futility of the exercise. (OC, Emerald)

Opinion:

• Emerald opinion honcho Tyree Harris tells another tale of woe, this one the first in a two-parter about a young woman who was once addicted to amphetemines. (Emerald)
• Letters: Weekly readers call for an end to National Breast Cancer Awareness Month and the reinstatement of the draft, etc. The Guard’s bag is full of people questioning various aspects of the paper’s journalistic taste.
• A Eugene activist wants us to make her gay daughter’s life better. (Register-Guard)
• Migrant fruit-picker turned activist Juan Carlos Valle’s seemingly inspiring and compelling personal story is silenced by his limp diction and generic talking points as he attempts to make a case for the DREAM Act. (Weekly)
• Editorials: The Weekly thinks growing UO enrollment is good, and has some opaque things to say about football. The Guard calls Oregon voters spendthrifts for voting for Measure 73, but applauds them on their other votes; wonders how Barack Obama and the new Republicans will get on; believes there is a parallel between the County Commission election results and the national ones.
• A burst of admirable self-deprecation from the Weekly.

Scene:

• The Weekly has published its annual best-of list. Civil Rights litigant/geriatric farting hippie Frog is named the best local celebrity and KWVA DJ Rev. Marc Time is called the “non-politician doing the most for Eugene.” Cinema studies GTF DJ Foodstamp is called the best DJ, but campus bars are almost entirely absent from the nightlife section. Adjunct instructor Jennifer Burns Levin is called its best blogger. Jeremiah Masoli is third in the sports personality stakes, with LaMichael James first.
• On an organic food program: “The food has to look good, taste good and be of feasible labor.” On “Love’s Labour’s Lost”: “it[‘]s really like middle[-]schoolers in a camp” On a band made up of UO professors: “It’s often the music you don’t want to listen to.” On tubas: “Epic. Awesome.” (Emerald)

Sports:

• Seattle Times columnist Bud Withers has a pretty uproarious column about what a broke-ass team Oregon Football spent decades being before The Pick. (Seattle Times)
• Oregon Basketball (W) tonked the Hated Bearcats and OB(W) honcho Paul Westhead got jazzy. (Emerald, Register-Guard)
• A Seattle radio personality describes Oregon Football as “Freakin’ Star Trek,” en route to emphasizing that the Hated Huskies, especially without their precious throwing numen Jake Locker, are not that good. (Register-Guard)
• OF crusher Kenjon Barner is OK now and Kenny Wheaton will be at the Hated Huskies game. (Register-Guard)
• The Pacific 12 conference will make for more competitive running-for-long-distances. (Emerald)
• Emerald sports-honcho Lucas Clark writes out his NBA predictions.

In response to The Great American Smoke-In tomorrow (noon in the EMU Amphitheater), ASUO President Amélie Rousseau has organized a Smoke-Out. (Is she going to get us high? I don’t think so.) [Emphasis in original.]

Hi all,

A tobacco-free campus is a comin’! We are excited that this campus policy change will soon be announced.

The ASUO and the Clean Air Project are organizing a UO smoke-OUT, this Thursday 12-1 in the EMU amphitheater. The smoke-out is in response to the ‘Coalition of On Campus Smokers’ smoke-in event at the same time. We will meet at 11:45 am by the silver chair in the EMU to distribute signs and t-shirts. Even if you can’t come for the whole time, please come for a bit!

We will be participating in a discussion and passing out information about health effects of tobacco, reminding people that 75% of students believe that the right to breathe clean air should take precedence over the right to smoke.

We are also having a sign-making party at the ASUO office, Wednesday from 4-5 pm, where we will be creating some beautiful, positive messaging! If you are artsy/have neat handwriting, please come!

Best,

Amelie Rousseau
ASUO President
[email protected]
EMU Suite 4

I’m not even going to go into precedence of rights. You guys are smarter than that.

Also, I like that it was us taking action that influenced the ASUO to take action. This is already a victory.

But the most interesting part of all this is Rousseau’s claim that they are going to be “participating in discussion.” FINALLY. The most fascinating part of this smoke-free campus business is that we are the only ones who are talking about it. The Executive has made no effort to engage students in the discussion, and it took an event put on by the Oregon Commentator and the Coalition of On-Campus Smokers (which is barely a real thing) to get them to do anything at all.

So many of the things Rousseau has done this year were shady in some way or another. Why won’t the ASUO be honest and open with the students who elected them? Is it so hard to have an open forum to talk about things? What are they hiding? What are their intentions?

Point being, I’m glad she’s going to have a discussion. It’ll be the first of her administration, and it’s long overdue.

If you’d like to engage in that discussion, please come tomorrow at noon to the EMU Amphitheater. I don’t care if you go to the smoke-out or the smoke-in. It doesn’t really matter. Just force the ASUO to have the conversation.

[Author’s note: To quote a friend, “That’s, like, something Reese Witherspoon’s character would do in Election.”]

AND IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Click here to read it.

Just in case there was any debate as to whether or not Beaverton reigns supreme as the lamest town in Oregon, William J. Parent goes and gets his 19-year old fool-ass arrested for the pettiest fucking crime in history. On September 30^th, Parent was given 10 days jail time and an 18 month probation period after being charged with counts of second degree theft and burglary and “unlawful entry into a motor vehicle.”  His crime?  He stole a fishing pole and some boating rope from a garage and a pair rubber gloves from some asshole’s car.  Now Bill, let’s have some “heart of the matter” time.  There was a fishing pole in that garage, yeah?  And there was boating rope obviously.  With me so far?  Now.  DID YOU NOT SEE A FUCKING BOAT?!  THEY ARE VERY, VERY HARD TO MISS.  THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE BOATS, YOU DAFT BITCH. If you are going to indulge in burglary, GO BIG.   And the next time you break into a car, don’t go for rubber trash that cost less than a dollar.  At the very least take some RUSH cassette tapes.  Idiot.

What Parent said in defense is left to the imagination, but we at the Commentator speculate it was along the lines of, “Buhhhhhh,” followed by remarks of, “Derrrp,” and, “Aw c’mon!”  Remarks from the butt-hurt Beaverton neighbors who felt the need to press charges on the obviously retarded teenager (whose only wish was to go fishing) also remain undisclosed.  One can imagine however that they will bore the shit out of everyone they meet recalling the “most exciting event ever to occur in this Podunk suburb” while they sip Jamba Juices and wait in line at their tanning salon.

Measure 73, which proposed mandatory minimum sentencing of 25 years in prison for “repeat offenders” of sex crimes, passed yesterday. I won’t get into the drunk driving portion of the bill; suffice to say that throwing people in jail is not perhaps the most effective route, but I’m not as concerned with that half of the bill. The bits that got me worked up were the ones that now have a minimum sentence of 300 months in prison awaiting anybody who commits four or more “sex crimes.” The language on the measure is a little vague, but the fact that it comes about at a time when social trends, particularly the advent of “sexting,” have everybody* scrutinizing relevant laws means that jail sentence could come down in some unfortunate circumstances.

The question here is, what counts as repeat offenses? Under Oregon law, a high school senior who just turned 18 dating a freshman who is about to turn 15 will be guilty of a class C felony if the senior has sexual intercourse with the freshman. The case may be a bit fringe and a bit creepy depending on your views, but these things happen with some frequency. Let us say that these two consummated their relationship more than four times, and the senior gets brought up on multiple charges. If the case can be brought against the senior in this way, that person now faces a minimum of 25 years in prison.

Or, let us look at those darn kids and their “sexting” by playing a game of make-believe. I am now a pretty, 16 year-old high school girl** with a boy in mind who I think is nifty-keen. I decide to send him a few racy text messages, maybe snap a few suggestive camera pictures with my phone and enclose them. Now let us say that I decide to send precisely four or more of these pictures. Cases have already arisen where teens face criminal charges for sexting, and if I as a 16 year-old, theoretical high school girl can be brought up on multiple charges then I would face at least 300 months in jail for sexually abusing myself.

People should not be allowed to go a-rapin’ or produce child pornography, and it would be silly to construe opposition to laws like this as anything of the sort. When mandatory minimums are put into place it strips judges of the freedom to adjust sentences based on circumstances. In a borderline statutory rape case a judge could theoretically swing a lighter punishment based on what actually happened, but if a person is technically convicted 4+ times of some sex crime then they have to be sentenced to a big sack of jail time. Does the state of Oregon really need measures like this to ensure that serial rapists get jail time?

*No, I don’t actually mean everybody.
**When I wear the dress, I’m always a pretty 16 year-old girl.

FYI: These will again become regular. I took a break Monday because I didn’t have access to a computer.

Public affairs:

• Democracy: Some results are in, others not as I type this. Probably, as Rockne says in the post below, the New  York Times is the source for that. Here’s Oregon on the NYT site, and here’s the whole shebang. Here‘s the Emerald’s article.
• Employment: UO Matters has posted a copy of illusion Randy Geller’s resume, as well as a photo. Interesting that he got the resume the same day he bashed the new public record office’s funding.
• Marketing: The UO looks to triangulate a branding strategy for the key Pakistani market, settles on prized saves-you-from-freezing marketshare. (Emerald, Register-Guard)
• The Worldly: An author came to convince UO students to save the world. (Emerald)
• Cinema: Some people recently met to get all hot and bothered about sound in movies. (Emerald)

Opinion:

• Emerald viewpoint-mouthpiece Matt Tellam compares those who oppose Measure 74 to a South Park character.
• Letters: A student chides the Emerald for not reporting on EPD’s Halloween-night truncheons, while another says the Emerald should get candidates’ positions “in writing.” The Guard’s have paranoid thoughts about campaign money and shipping metaphors.
• Editorials: The Guard wants energy reform packaged differently, and also chides the state for not giving the Oregonian information about people drawing six-figure pensions.
• Emerald viewpoint-bromide JoAnna Wendel appears to satirize some of the hazards of Halloween, and also advises against superstition.
• A UO student studies abroad, tries to trace her family roots, has a frustrating time of it, discovers Ireland has very little to do with her. Another one meets his heroes and asks them questions off a small list. (Ethos)
• The chairperson of Eugene’s Public Art Committee has some ra-ra for art and attempts to make more of it. (Register-Guard)
• Reasons the UO thinks you should give it money today: Trafton B. reflects his Halloween costume from last year and looks ahead to a new one, and also invites Californians to attend UO.

Sports:

• Here‘s a fascinating interview with an Oregon Football player by an Emerald freelancer, who humanizes the guy in a way that many people who interview sports folks don’t bother to. (Emerald)
• Now that Hated Huskies throwing numen Jake Locker is set to miss the next football game with rib-ouch, OF’s not thinking as much about stopping him. (Emerald) In fact, OF’s being pretty blase about the whole playing-the-Hated-Huskies thing in the first place. (Register-Guard)
• Oregon Basketball (W) is starting up again. (Emerald)
• Oregon Rugby (W) overcame a size deficit to best the Hated Jesters, in an article that contains a lot of esoteric rugby jargon. (Emerald)

Well, the day we’ve all been fearing, hoping, or just praying to come and go has finally arrived.

For those of you following the races closely, you should probably know that Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog will be updated live throughout the evening. For what’s worth, there’s no one better at making sense of the numbers than Silver.

For those less inclined to political nerding-out, or who do not have money on any of these races, try this enjoyable drinking game and prepare to cut class tomorrow.

Take a drink when:

-A House, Senate, or Governor’s seat changes parties (two if the race was too close to call)

-A political pundit pontificates on how important the race that was just called was.

-A TV anchor predicts how many seats in the House or Senate the Republicans will hold. (Three if both chambers are mentioned in the same sentence)

Take a shot when:

-A race comes out differently than predicted (ex. A race is expected to go Rep. but comes out Dem.)

-National news networks mention a state ballot measure. (California does not count)

-Anyone mentions the 2012 Election

Slam a crappy well cocktail that you got for free if:

-Ballot Measure 75 (Portland Casino) passes.

Go to bed, wake up, and slam a Bloody Mary if:

-A House, Senate, or Governor’s race isn’t called by 2:30 local time

Shotgun a 4Loco if:

A “Tea Party” candidate wins their race.

Portlanders who came across protesters chanting and carrying signs of green vaguely star-shaped leaves probably thought it was a “Yes on 74” march. Until that is, they read the text: “Keep Your Laws Off My Liquor” and “Free Agave.”

The march was put on as part of Portland Cocktail Week and the Great American Distillers Festival by Ilegal Mezcal, a Guadamala-based distiller whose spirits the OLCC is refusing passage to Oregon liquor store shelves.

What is mezcal? It’s liquor distilled from the agave plant. All tequila is mezcal – tequila being distilled from the leaves of the blue variety of the agave, in particular – but not all mezcal is tequila. Over the years, stories of a vile-tasting and possible hallucinogenic worm in the bottom of the bottle has given it kind of a bad rap, but some enthusiasts are working to change this perception.

But it’s not that the OLCC is anti-mezcal. They wanted to clear this up for everyone, so they Tweeted and re-Tweeted a notice to people writing about the event that: “OLCC is not blocking Mezcal. You can get several kinds at liquor stores. Go to www.oregonliquorsearch.com.”

Restaurant and bar owners aren’t arguing that there aren’t some 13 varieties of mezcal available on the Oregon market, though. Ilegal is a small-batch distilled in Oaxaca, regarded as one of the most sought-after brands to jump the border, and they’re upset that they can’t get the artisan liquor without a convoluted and costly special order process.

What’s the process consist of? Well, according to the OLCC blog, it’s quite simple, really:

“You can go to any liquor store to place your special order. The store will write up your request, and submit it to the OLCC for processing. Your order is then placed to the distillery. The distiller will ship your order to OLCC’s warehouse, where it will be transferred to the liquor store. The liquor store will notify you when your items arrive. Special orders generally take about six to eight weeks.”

See? Only seven steps in as many weeks. Brought to you by bureaucracy, and the letter “O.”

“We’ve been really frustrated because these artisanal spirits that we’re very excited about have had a hard time getting into the state through the OLCC,” said David Shenaut, President of the Oregon Bartender’s Guild, said to the San Francisco Chronicle. “They go on ‘special order’ at exorbitant prices-they’re very over-priced.”

John Rexer, owner of Ilegal Mezcal, made a statement of support for the march. “This is all in fun, and it is great to see the support for “real” mezcal in Oregon and elsewhere. I can’t thank the bartenders in Portland enough for getting behind Ilegal and the other brands of artisanal Mezcal. It’s a long road from the tiny factories in Oaxaca to Portland, but these lunatics make it all worth the while. They are the guardians of quality over quantity. One way or another, Ilegal and other artisanal brands, will become available.”

Lunatics? Considering this is a city that flaunts its “Keep Portland Weird” stickers, we’ll take it as a compliment.

Public affairs:

• Uncle Sam: It’s Election Day, not that that has the same significance in Oregon. You guys really miss out on the sweltering elementary school cafeterias and grouchy retirees scowling as they run the point of their pencils up and down the voter registry looking for your name. The long lines, you know them not!
• Handicapping: It’s hard to tell who’s even in the lead anymore for governor. (Emerald)
• Ballooning: The “freshman fifteen” should really be called the “freshman three-to-six,” the Emerald reports.
• Money-dollops: The UO has received $50,000 for something folklore-related but not entirely explicit in the Emerald’s article. (Emerald)
• Beards for cancer: Some people won’t be shaving this month. It’s for cancer. (Emerald)

Opinion:

• Emerald viewpoint-bromide JoAnna Wendel considers the UO’s zebrafish lab. “Zebrafish don’t require excessive luxury.” One imagines zebrafish settling for vinyl interiors rather than real leather. One also begins to wonder why we don’t ever hear about scientific research at the UO that does not involve zebrafish. Is there none being done? Is it too embarrassing to talk about?
• Letters: In the Guard, a call for mass exodus and a thank you note to UO students for being nice on Halloween.
• Editorials: The Guard just wants to give a big hand to all the candidates out there. You’re all winners. The local paper also laments the likely failure of Washington state’s soda tax ballot initiative.
• The executive director of the UO’s Sexual Assault Support Services says Measure 73 is a crock of shit. (Ethos)
• Guard viewpoint-softy Bob Welch answers people’s questions about various fences and signs.
• Community member Roger Gray takes issue with the terminology used to describe a part of Eugene to which the town’s black residents were once exiled in the Guard.
• Emerald blogger Luisa Anderson apologizes for not blogging more. (Emerald Opinion Blog)

Scene:

• The new Kanye West video is causing library problems for one Voice staffer.

Sports:

• Emerald sports-lizard Robert Husseman focuses on another in the litany of problems with sports: scissor lifts.
• Injury has been kind to Oregon Football this season and cruel to Hated Huskies throwing numen Jake Locker, which will be a relief for OF. (Register-Guard)
• On OF recruiting: “Eugene … a good sized city with some stuff too do but not too much stuff to get caught up in, that’s safe and where they can play great football and get a great education.” (Emerald)
• OF players not that excited about their ranking, OF clay pigeon Jeff Maehl scoops a gong, and just because OF will be on ABC doesn’t necessarily mean a jackpot for the UO. (Register-Guard)
• Also: Injury news on Oregon Basketball (M).

According to various news sources, the post office in the EMU will be shut down effective December 31st. This is going to be a large problem for international students, freshmen, students with disabilities for whom travel is no small task, students with no wheeled transport, and busy people in general.

Will there be a protest? Will there be an outcry? Unlikely, as no one at UO enjoys protesting things that have an actual impact on student’s day-to-day lives. Did the Phil Knight just gift the University a 41.7 million dollar moated glass brick in order for athletes to more effectively copy their homework? Yes. But, lets be real, no one really gives a shit about anything but sports at this school, so why would they spend on anything else?

A map with directions to the University’s new post office location will be posted whenever we can figure out where exactly the “Southside Station” is.

The Oregon Commentator and the Coalition of On-Campus Smokers (COCS) proudly present:

The Great American Smoke-In
Celebrating freedom in all aspects of our lives.

Thursday, November 4th
12:00pm-1:00pm
EMU Amphitheater

We will be smoking in the EMU Amphitheater (cigarettes, cigars, hookah, etc.) for about a half-hour, then walking around and picking up cigarette butts and other tobacco trash. Lord knows they’re going to need us after taking out the smoking stations around the EMU. Gloves and trash bags provided. And I should have extra cigarettes to share.

The point here is that smokers are responsible students at the University of Oregon. We clean up after ourselves. We are leaders in the community. We work here. We live here. And we’re going to live our lives the way we want to.

(If you plan on attending, please click both links above!)

The Washington City Paper, faced with maintaining the veil of journalistic objectivity (and being unintentionally hilarious), wanted to make sure its staff knew exactly what was expected of them if they planned to attend this past weekend’s Stuart/Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear to America. Luckily for us, though, the editor posted the instructions on the paper’s blog. To laugh or not to laugh? It’s not that easy. What it boils down to, though, was a general edict to “Whatever you do, do not apply your own personal cognitive skills to determining the humorousness of any particular clip. Such an approach exposes us to charges of bias.” I think they succeeded. I doubt anyone charged with following a checklist like this could end up finding humor in anything. Bonus points, guys.

TO: WASHINGTON CITY PAPER STAFF
FROM: MICHAEL SCHAFFER, EDITOR
RE: STEWART/COLBERT RALLY
Colleagues—
Several of you have asked me about this coming weekend’s satirical National Mall rallies featuring Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. As you probably know, at least one other news organization, NPR, has forbidden news staffers from attending. Others, including the Washington Post, have reminded staffers that newsroom policy permits them to witness events, but not to “participate” in ways that could call into question their impartiality—i.e., by chanting, waving signs, etc.
At a time of grave concerns about our economy and our national security—not to mention a period of tumult in our industry—it is obviously crucial that all media organizations develop appropriate guidelines for staff attendance at mock-political public appearances by cable-television celebrities. After significant consultation with Washington City Paper’s expensive outside team of professional ethicists, we’ve settled on the following guidelines. Please read and follow them closely:

1. You may attend the rallies in a non-participatory fashion.

2. However, because the rallies are comic events, you may not laugh.

3. The act of not laughing, though, can be just as politically loaded as the act of laughing. Therefore, staffers are advised to politely chuckle, in a non-genuine manner, after each joke.

4. To avoid any perception of bias, please make sure to chuckle at all jokes, whether or not you find them funny. As journalists, we must make sure to not allow our personal views of “humorous” or “non-humorous” to affect our public demeanor.

5. Likewise, it could be devastating to our impartial reputation if our staffers were seen laughing at something that was not intended as a joke, thereby appearing to mock the entire event. If we are lucky, the comedians will have a drummer on hand whose rim-shots may be used as a cue for when to politely chuckle.

6. If no non-verbal cues for laughter are available, please observe audience members around you. If they are laughing, imitate their laughter with a non-genuine polite chuckle. If they are not laughing, remain stone-faced. Whatever you do, do not apply your own personal cognitive skills to determining the humorousness of any particular clip. Such an approach exposes us to charges of bias.

7. On the other hand, a situation could arise where partisan foes of the Comedy Central hosts laugh at them in a derisive manner unrelated to the timing of their on-stage jokes. In this case, your failure to join in the mockery could potentially be interpreted as a sign that you disagree with the derision—an equally distasteful indication of bias. Please follow the above guidelines and also chuckle politely, but not genuinely, at any instances of counter-comedy.

8. In our experience, public appearances by comedy figures also draw audiences whose members frequently make jokes amongst themselves. These attempts at humor might not necessarily fit into the rational example of protesters versus counter-protesters outlined in the guidelines above. However, you could nonetheless indicate a great deal about your personal biases via your decision as to whether or not you laugh along when the person next to you riffs about, say, marginal tax rates. Please make sure to follow the above guidelines and respond via polite, non-genuine, mild guffaws to the jibes of amateur comics in the audience.

9. We’re also aware that the large crowds expected at the rallies could produce a cacophonous din, one in which you are unable to discern which jokes are being made by audience members, counter-protestors, or the day’s main attractions—and, worse still, where observers may think you are laughing at an anti-Republican joke when you are actually laughing at an anti-Democrat joke. To protect our cherished reputation against such a danger, I have arranged for each of you to be issued a pair of earplugs. Should the event grow too raucous, please insert these earplugs immediately. Once you have inserted the earplugs, please chuckle politely, and non-genuinely, every 74 seconds, to maintain the appearance of non-biased and appropriate responses to the event.

10. You are free to laugh heartily and genuinely at any jokes that target the terrorists.

Please feel free to see me or Mike Madden should you need any further clarification.
Best,
Mike