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Trouble in The Tron.

Just in case there was any debate as to whether or not Beaverton reigns supreme as the lamest town in Oregon, William J. Parent goes and gets his 19-year old fool-ass arrested for the pettiest fucking crime in history. On September 30th, Parent was given 10 days jail time and an 18 month probation period after being charged with counts of second degree theft and burglary and “unlawful entry into a motor vehicle.”  His crime?  He stole a fishing pole and some boating rope from a garage and a pair rubber gloves from some asshole’s car.  Now Bill, let’s have some “heart of the matter” time.  There was a fishing pole in that garage, yeah?  And there was boating rope obviously.  With me so far?  Now.  DID YOU NOT SEE A FUCKING BOAT?!  THEY ARE VERY, VERY HARD TO MISS.  THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE BOATS, YOU DAFT BITCH. If you are going to indulge in burglary, GO BIG.   And the next time you break into a car, don’t go for rubber trash that cost less than a dollar.  At the very least take some RUSH cassette tapes.  Idiot.

What Parent said in defense is left to the imagination, but we at the Commentator speculate it was along the lines of, “Buhhhhhh,” followed by remarks of, “Derrrp,” and, “Aw c’mon!”  Remarks from the butt-hurt Beaverton neighbors who felt the need to press charges on the obviously retarded teenager (whose only wish was to go fishing) also remain undisclosed.  One can imagine however that they will bore the shit out of everyone they meet recalling the “most exciting event ever to occur in this Podunk suburb” while they sip Jamba Juices and wait in line at their tanning salon.

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