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Archive for October, 2011

Senate 10/26/11

October 26th, 2011 by Kellie B.

Student loan company nip-slip

October 26th, 2011 by Spencer Madison

Tears are the best lube

As many as 5,000 lucky students social security numbers made a sexy special appearance when a glitch in a student loan company’s website showed users other peoples information instead of their own for a good seven minutes before they pulled the plug to do damage control for the next 48 hours. The real victim here is, of course, the loan company who’s reputation was damaged by whistle blowers who carelessly sought the acceptance of their peers by pointing out the mistakes that the company probably didn’t even do.

I mean, come on guys, it’s not like social security numbers even do anything. They’re just the bar code imprinted on your spine by the Illuminati at birth, and everybody knows that, so why make the Direct Loan Program feel like the bad guys? It’s the students fault, anyways, for not having enough money to learn things, and then getting all mad because their private information was released, and it’s like come on guys, you signed a user agreement we can accidentally leak this shit all we want brah. The company was also confronted with claims that their site wasn’t “user friendly enough”, but they were told to go to Hell. The rest of the article is pretty super boring and I wouldn’t try reading it, but people were all mad about shit and stuff went down and I think they promised it to never ever do it again, swear on my mother.

The Daily Caller

New Issue Out Today!

October 26th, 2011 by Kellie B.

As always, online version now, print version on stands (what’s left of them) Friday.
Read and be merry!

Justice Scalia compromises neutrality in pizza-related cases

October 22nd, 2011 by Sudsy

(Insert lame joke about controversial rulings vis-a-vis pizza here)

This is what Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said about deep-dish pizza (link courtesy of Death and Taxes):

“I do indeed like so-called ‘deep dish pizza.’ It’s very tasty,” the Italian American justice told the crowd, reports the Chicago Sun-Times. “But it should not be called ‘pizza.’ It should be called ‘a tomato pie.’ Real pizza is Neapolitan [from Naples, Italy]. It is thin. It is chewy and crispy, OK?”

Important point. One that needed to be said. But if a case involving Pizzeria Uno ever makes it to the Supreme Court, its most conservative justice could find himself regretting his words.

You might have fun with how much the blogger in that link overthinks the issue.

Dead Gaddafi for Halloween

October 22nd, 2011 by Kellie B.

I am thinking of dressing as dead Muammar Gaddafi for Halloween. But I want your opinion. Would it be too soon? What about dressing as slutty dead Muammar Gaddafi?

JoAnna Wendel: You are on notice.

October 22nd, 2011 by Shaggy 2 Dope

Hi there. My name is Shaggy 2 Dope Utsler and you may know me as a member of multi-platinum rap group Insane Clown Posse. My reason for writing this post is to warn JoAnna Wendel that I will not put up with her nonsense anymore. Wendel is a columnist for the campus newspaper here at the University of Oregon (her work can be viewed here). Her column, simply put, is virulent. It concerns science. I have made my opinions on science known before. They can be viewed in longer form here. To wit: the lies of scientists, all of whom are motherfuckers, are making me increasingly pissed. This means you Wendel. So every time you see fit to make me pissed by spreading your lies, I will publish a refutation of said lies on this blog. It is not enough, but I hope to do a public service in this way. And public service has always been the watchword for the Insane Clown Posse.

Qadaffi (SP?) Dead

October 20th, 2011 by Kellie B.

Libyan despot Mummar Qadaffi was killed yesterday by “Libyan Fighters” in his hometown of Sirte. The town was one of the last areas still loyal to Qadaffi. Initial reports are indicating that he was shot to death after the fighters broke into his heavily barricaded home.

Below is a cell phone video of what many believe to be the body of the former dictator being paraded through the streets of Sirte. (NSFW)

Senate 10/19/11

October 19th, 2011 by Kellie B.

Hold on to your butts

Occupy This

October 18th, 2011 by Kellie B.

So. Someone named Sam wants to hear about Occupy Eugene. I am assuming this is either the reputable Sam Dotters-Katz, or my brother Sam, who is of very ill-repute and interested in nothing more than collecting foreign wives. Either way, I suppose something will have to be said (that has already been said) about the Occupy Eugene/Portland/Oregon/Everywhere “movements.” I write “movement” in “quotes” because nothing has been moved as a result of these protests, except the Saturday and Tuesday Markets, which have been displaced here in Eugene by protestors who are trying to reform the United States government. Good luck hippies, you’ll need it!

I spoke to the dashing Sam Chapman, who is not only the leader of Students for Sustainable Drug Policy but also a member of the Occupy Eugene movement. He describes the downtown protest as “a beautiful clusterfuck,” an apt description of the motley crew squatting for… something…. in the streets of downtown. Occupy Eugene has, as of yet, no set demands, no set goals, and no plumbing, so you know its a real mess down there.

The original movement, Occupy Wall Street, put forth set of demands in late September, ranging from education reform to abolishing corporate sponsorship of presidential campaigns. They want every injustice to be righted, which is nice, but incredibly stupid. Society, not just American society, but every society has been unequal and unjust since… well… FOREVER. Wow, shit’s all kinds of fucked up. Surprise! This is nothing new. Life has been shit for a lot of Americans for decades. Now that some middle class assholes have lost their jobs, oh, ITS A FUCKING CRISIS! Now you give a shit! Doesn’t matter than millions of Americans have been eking out a living on next to nothing for years, doesn’t matter that their kids have been starving and killing each other since they were born, now that you’ve lost your model home and Volvo, SHIT NEEDS TO CHANGE.

Go stand in a park somewhere and make signs and talk to journalists, do you feel better? Do you feel empowered now? It reminds me of the “lobbying” trips I used to go on when I was on the Teen Advisory Board of Planned Parenthood of the Inland Northwest (currently cut to bare bones due to lack of funding, but I’m sure no one wants to occupy that.) We would get all riled up, learn our messaging techniques, outline our talking points down to the finest detail, and give the most impassioned speeches you’ve ever seen out of a fourteen-year-old. Our representatives would furrow their brows and nod, seeimg very concerned that thousands of people were suffering because making reproductive care available was just too uncomfortable for their Baby-Booming asses. But in the end, no one did shit. No one cared whose lives were changed, ruined, ended, because it just wasn’t worth the trouble. We, the constituents, just weren’t worth their time. I’m sorry, but things haven’t changed since I was fourteen. We, the people, are not worth our lawmakers time.

It’s shitty, but it’s true, and no amount of sign waving or petition signing is going to change that. The only thing that will is to have truly altruistic people in office, people who are willing to lose their jobs in order to do what is best. And that seems as likely as Michele Bachmann winning the GOP nomination. I hope.

Do I think these gatherings will have an impact on our government? No. Definitely not. Do I hope I’m wrong? Yeah. Fuck yeah.

STFU: Really?

October 17th, 2011 by Kellie B.

UO and the Healthy Campus Initiative have started hanging these lovely fliers around campus. It’s supposed to stand for Smoking & Tobacco Free University… really, y’all? Either no one from the HCI has ever been on the internet, or this is some misguided attempt at…. no, still don’t get it. According Senior Vice President and Provost Jim Bean,”This is a great statement about our commitment to a healthy campus.” Yeahhhh….

New EMU Likely to Steal Your Money, Damage Your Liver (just like Taylor’s!)

October 16th, 2011 by Kellie B.

A public session was held Thursday night to give students and faculty a chance to voice questions on the impending EMU and Student Recreation Center referendum. Vice President of Student Affairs Robin Holmes was on hand to answer for the University.

The referendum, which will go to vote in early November, will decide if students have to pay for the remodel costs.

A 2010 online survey of 6,000 students gave undergrads a chance to express their desires about the new buildings. 79 percent said they would be willing to pay for the new centers, despite the fact that they will never use them. The money would come from fee increases for students, estimated to be $100 per term for the next 30 years.

Although it makes logical sense that the first class of students to use the buildings should foot the bill, the University wants UO students to start paying now to keep the costs as low as possible. Beginning payment before the end of construction would pay off the principle quickly and avoid unnecessary interest payments. If students end up covering the expenses, this will save millions for potential future students.

A possible compromise would be giving fee-paying students access to the building even after graduation. However, this would only be useful for students who choose to stay in Eugene after graduation, and also presents the problem of overcrowding the facilities.

However, there is a bright spot in this long, slow clusterfuck. Students and faculty showed overwhelming support for an on campus drinking establishment, and VP of Student Affairs Robin Holmes said Thursday in the ODE, “I want to have venues and opportunities where students can learn to drink responsibly.”

Yes, Robin, “drink responsibly” is our favorite oxymoron, too.

The voices told me to…

October 14th, 2011 by Ethan Bendau

In a move that experts are calling “totally fucking awesome,” a man in Viareggio, Italy was hospitalized Monday after suddenly and unexpectedly ripping out his own eyes in the middle of church. In true hardcore-as-fuck style, Aldo Bianchini, the man among men in question, was totally chill when the medics arrived at the scene, lying in a massive pool of his own goddamned blood and acting perfectly “calm and lucid.”

Many of the 300 mass-goers left in horror, knowing they could never hope to attain such a high level of kick-ass brutality. After emergency responders picked up the eyeballs from the floor, the reverend dusted his shoulders off and continued to celebrate mass like it was no biggie. Bianchini reported that he “heard voices” telling him to commit the act, a feat his surgeons claimed would have required “superhuman strength.” Despite deserving a medal made of bear pelts and fire for excellence in the field of badassery, the surgeons were unable to reattach the eyes and said that Bianchini would never see again.

In the Bible, Jesus says, “And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee” (Matthew 18:9). Bianchini must have seen some awesome shit, like three chicks doing it or something.

New Issue Online Today

October 3rd, 2011 by Ashley

On stands shortly. Damn print media.

Click here to read!

Guns Now Allowed on UO Campus

October 2nd, 2011 by Ethan Bendau

Following a lawsuit filed by the Oregon Firearms Educational Foundation (OFEF) against the Oregon Board of Higher Education and the Oregon University System (OUS), the Oregon Court of Appeals has struck down an administrative rule banning firearms, among other weapons, from being carried on OUS campuses.

The law was held invalid, with the judges’ decision citing that it “is an exercise of an ‘authority to regulate’ firearms that is not expressly authorized by the Legislative Assembly.” Under state law, the Oregon State Legislature is the only body with the authority to regulate firearms.

 Following this decision, anyone with a concealed carry permit will now be permitted to bring his registered weapon on campus.


The OUS quickly released a statement on Wednesday in which OUS chancellor George Pernsteiner expressed his regret concerning the ruling:

“We are disappointed in the ruling of the Court in this case and will consider our options. Our greatest concern is for the safety of our students and the entire campus community. Whether accidental or intentional, firearms violence continues to hurt or kill thousands of Americans each year in this country. We will continue to review the opinion in order to consider future options to protect the safety of our students, faculty, staff, and visitors.”

The statement was unclear about any intentions to appeal the decision.

This morning, UO President Richard Lariviere sent out an email to the university community to inform them of the decision. Lariviere made no mention of his reaction to the news, though he assured that “the safety of the entire campus community remains our top priority.” The president did, however, conclude the email with the above-mentioned statement released by the OUS.

When asked how he felt about the implications of the decision, Max Ruzi, a UO sophomore, replied, “Anyone with a concealed carry permit knows the responsibility of having a weapon. The people we should be scared are those who don’t respect a gun’s power.”

In the judges’ decision, they originally rejected multiple claims by the OFEF and ignored the issue raised regarding Second Amendment rights. Specifically, the court denied the argument that the State Board of Higher Education had no authority to enact laws that affect members of the public not affiliated with the universities, as well as the contention that Oregon state law “ expressly permits individuals with concealed handgun licenses to carry firearms on college and university campuses.” The court then concluded by agreeing with the claim that the authority to regulate firearms is vested solely in the Oregon State Legislature.

The court remarked that the state laws regarding firearms are in place in order to “ensure uniform statewide standards” and prevent the confusion of discrepancies between state and local law.

The verdict comes about amid continuing controversy regarding the University of Oregon’s efforts to convert the Department of Public Safety to a sworn police force with the ability carry guns, a transition that is expected to take six years to complete. On Oct. 7th, the university will make its request to the State Board of Education who, since the passing of Senate Bill 405, now has the power to approve the police force.