So, the election results are in and — drum roll — Adam Walsh and Kyla Coy beat, nay, destroyed Ashley and Jael, 1174 to 857.

The OC did not formally recommend Adam and Kyla, but we were pulling for them. This is a big fuck you to ASUO stalwart and PFC member Jael and her ticket, which was fovored to win.

Good luck Adam and Kyla. Everybody can expect a good post elections issue soon, which will have some interesting information concerning an important doctored PFC tape.

To wit, straight from Con Court’s mouth:

“In re Kevin Day vs. ASUO Elections Board Chief Justice Derrick writes as the appointed Hearings Officer of the Constitution Court.

“Whereas, the Constitution Court has assigned the Chief Justice to serve as the Hearings Officer pursuant to rule 12.2 of the ASUO Constitution Court Rules and Procedures.

“Whereas, the Court determines a hearings officer is necessary to gather information from the parties in the petition and that participation by the Elections Board in the ASUO elections during consideration by the hearings officer may compromise material components of the petition.

“It is hereby ordered that an injunction be placed against the ASUO Elections Board and that the results of the primary election not be released until such time as the Hearings Officer makes a ruling pursuant to rule 12.2.1 of the ASUO Constitution Court Rules and Procedures.”

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but I’ve heard some speculation: Apparently, there have been a tremendous amount of grievances filed against exec frontrunners Ashley and Jael. I doubt they’ll be kicked off the ballot, but I suppose that depends on the seriousness of the charges. Keep in mind that this is only rumor and hearsay at this moment.

Need I even say this … MOST IMCOMPETENT STUDENT GOVERNMENT EVER

This is the most awe-inspiring ode to America since the soundtrack to Team America.

Proof that some members of our government just don’t care about the heath and well-being of the American public… that is, unless an individual’s health and well-being serves a higher political purpose.

“WASHINGTON A one-page unsigned memo that became part of the debate preceding Congress’ vote ordering a federal court review of the Terri Schiavo case originated in Florida Republican Sen. Mel Martinez’ (search) office, Martinez said Wednesday.

“This is an important moral issue and the pro-life base will be excited that the Senate is debating this important issue,” said the memo, which was described at the time as being circulated among Senate Republicans.”

Interview with executive candidates Evan and David.

“I believe a paycheck is a lot more important than a scholarship write-off. When you go out to work in the real world, you will be given a paycheck, they wont be paying off your bills for you. So, we need to preserve that freedom.” — David

OC: First of all, could you guys summarize your platform for me?

Evan: Sure. Our overriding theme is, of course, integrity integrity with budgets, integrity with people. Were also going to be running on a platform of education, communication and relations.

David: When it comes to communication we want to further utilize the Internet as a way to find out about the budget. Currently, its hard for any student to get a hold of the ASUO or PFC budget, and what we want to do is put that online, so students can be informed about what their money is going for. Furthermore, we want to post a detailed breakdown of where every dollar of the budget is going how much is going to the Assault Prevention Shuttle, how much is going to the Commentator so everyone can be informed about what theyre paying for. Next we want to put our executive recommendations online ahead of time so everyone–not only the program groups–but all students have the chance to view our executive recommendations.

Evan: And by doing that we feel as if we can solve some of the current problems within the PFC. Second on our platform is education. And for the 2005-2007 state budget it says there is a $200 million surplus, and we need about $50 million to get a tuition freeze. By getting a tuition freeze we can save students about $400 a year. Also, were going to be working toward an equal scholarship grant and things like that.

David: Also on our platform are relations. We want to reach outside the ASUO to work with student groups such as the Residents Hall Association and various groups on campus and bring them into the ASUO, so we can create a student government based on what the student population is and not on what the student government thinks it is.

OC. Okay. What changes need to be made to make the ASUO more accountable to students?

David: Well, first were going to enforce the current rules and regulations. The first thing to accountability is making sure that the president and vice president hold their executive staff accountable.

Evan: As for past events and the ASUO not being held accountable, such as the Sunriver retreat with [student leaders] drinking and things like that, and then regular students having to pay for that because [student leaders] didnt actually pay back the money. What we intend to do is have contracts ahead of time so if students do make a mistake and break a rule the punishment will be more clear. On our website, theres a link and it shows how the Residents Hall Association has handled similar incidents.

David: And lastly, what we want to do is go out and talk to the students. A lot of students, after the Sunriver retreat, were very frustrated, as people saw from reading the Daily Emerald or the Oregon Commentator, because their money was being abused. But the ASUO did not respond. Were going to actively pursue students in every forum possible, so we know what their thoughts are, because, once again, they elected us and we need to be respectful of their wishes. Were going to be very responsive to their concerns.

OC: Okay. What is your take on the debate over the restructuring of the stipend model?

Evan: The stipends being reduced?

OC: Well, theyre working on a new model. The PFC wants to turn the stipends into mini-scholarships that will help pay off fees and tuition.

David: Its interesting to look at how the stipend model came down. This was a recommendation done by President Frohnmayer this last summer. He said they wanted the whole stipend model to be reassessed. But we want to look at the ASUO as an entity unto itself and separate ourselves and not take our lead from the administration. But we do value what the administration has to offer. However, things regarding stipends should be handled by students. The current concern right now is that the PFC doesnt have a budget. Its long overdue because they did not have a clear objective about how much money they wanted to spend. They didnt have a clear plan about how they were going to reach their budget benchmark. For now theyre going to repeal budgets and cut stipends for minority groups such as the LGBTQA and the Black Student Union, and they havent really looked at Well, we gave all these increases, why cant we reassess what we increased. This would save some groups from getting totally cut. The Students for Choice, for instance, are going to lose all four stipended positions. Those stipends are $50 a month a $200-a-week student budget. And this [stipend cut] will all but annihilate their program because they wont be able to pay people. I believe a paycheck is a lot more important than a scholarship write-off. When you go out to work in the real world, you will be given a paycheck, they wont be paying off your bills for you. So, we need to preserve that freedom.

OC: All right. What do you see as the biggest problem in student government right now?

David: Theres really an apathy toward the ASUO. Because past administrations have not been accountable and not held their promises, students do not want to get involved in the ASUO because they believe that the ASUO does not represent their views or their beliefs. The only way we can get students involved is the students believe its a worthwhile organization, and that starts with adding integrity back in the ASUO.

OC: Whats your background? What are your qualifications and why would you be best for this job?

Evan: I currently represent 3,200 students in the Residents Hall Association, and we give money to organizations like ISA. I also have to work with other members nationally as well as student senators and past student senators. So I have to work with these people in order to find out whats wrong with campus in order to make it better in future years.

David: Im an accounting major. Ive had vast experience in the accounting field. I managed over $100,000 for a national church. I currently work for the Assault Prevention Shuttle, which is an ASUO-funded organization. Im also a member of the UO marching band and involved in the Religious Directors Organization. So I really know whats happening on the ground level and how the student fees that the ASUO handles affects the students. When were looking at dealing with a five million dollar budget for the ASUO, my accounting background will play a great role. I also have experience managing a staff of twenty-five people. And thats what Ill have to do as vice president of the ASUO. Ive had to make some tough calls [as a manager], and Ive had to ask people to leave my organization because they have not followed the directions or the guidelines of the organization, and I will bring that kind of integrity back to the ASUO.

The new double issue is up on your right. It includes a plethora of fantastic articles. Olly Ruff discusses the Ward Churchill brouhaha; Melissa Hanks takes on the Women’s Center; and Ben Brown has an interesting report on a former vice chair of the PFC.

Enjoy. Let me know if you encounter any problems or glaring mistakes.

Writers, layout folks, photographers, copy editors …

lumberjacks…

Stop by the office. 319 EMU.

The Ol Dirty congratulates itself on a job well done. How truly Meta. How truly insignificant. Thanks for the memories, Jen.
The Matrix meets Charlottes web in one of the most obnoxious flash animations Ive ever seen. Apparently the makers of the Meatrix thought they could make a salient point about the horrors of factory farming with poor animation and some of the worst voice acting heard outside a Final Fantasy video game. Kudos.
First Vice Magazine rips off the OC with its pale imitation of our Hate issue. Now theyre ripping off shudder the Voice with their far superior Sex issue. Apparently those obnoxious, ether addicted clowns cant get enough third-rate UO campus media!

An old friend weighs in.

So it is not unexpected that Commentator staff members would turn to the First Amendment instead of taking responsibility for their privilege. And as the microcosmic vanguard for white, patriarchal America on campus, the law fully supports the publication’s position. Of course, “feelings” aren’t considered within a system of law that prides itself on supposed “rationality” and “objectivity.”

No, they “aren’t”. And “microcosmic vanguard for white, patriarchal America”? If this is how people are reading the mission statement, no wonder there’s been all this confusion.

After all, if we were to consider feelings in our decision-making process, how it feels to have your privacy invaded might count.

I detect a note of petulance in this piece: nobody cared when we said mean things (or, as he would put it, engaged in “white, heterosexist journalism”) about Shakra, because he’s white, heterosexual, and obvious comedy gold. He also apparently considers his newspaper column to be some kind of personal territorial bubble, within which he is protected from criticism; I see no other way of interpreting his claims of privacy invasion. Also, when he exhorts us to

look beyond this [conservative/liberal] spectrum, and even the rules themselves, to take responsibility for creating a safer campus and a more tolerant community

the irony is so thick you can float pennies on top of it.

Either way, it’s good to see he’s still rolling along. For what it’s worth, I stand by what I said here:

I am still convinced that Shakra is the quintessential student columnist. His writing is a closed system upon which the outside world barely impinges – and when it does, it does so in unpredictable ways, as when he discovers that he has a literature paper overdue. He represents the very worst tendencies in all of our writing – towards grandiloquence, obfuscation, melodrama, narcissism, and cant – to such an extent that it would not surprise me to learn that the whole thing has been a spoof. But even if it is, it has been a valuable one. Believe me, folks, there’s a little Aaron Shakra in all of us.

I swear on my mother’s eventual grave that I did not Photoshop this.

If only I could build a time machine and travel back to the ’70s. I’d have a lucrative career as a comic book writer. Frank Miller be damned!

For more stupid comic covers click here

Everyone’s favorite nonsensical PFC member, Khanh Le, demonstrating the brain trust of the PFC. Courtesy of the ODE, and the lovely Meghann Cuniff.

“Le said the time it takes to calculate the financial impacts of the various definitions of current service levels may mean the committee will have to make a decision and deal with the consequences as they arise.”

“My suggestion is not voting on it, just doing it first,” Le said. “I just want to do it then figure it out later.”

Famous. Last. Words. Didn’t Custer say the same thing at Little Big Horn?

For those who missed it, yesterday’s ODE supplement, the Vice Issue, featured an extended O.C. shout out by the fetching Moriah Balingit, who had this to say about the Commentator’s fetching Editor in Chief:

“If you see O.C. Editor in Chief Tyler Graf, give him a hug and a cigarette. His parents obviously didn’t love him as a child.”

Not true, Moriah. My parents love me, but the cigarettes love me more.

On February 15, ODE columnist Gabe Bradley wrote a column in which he lambasted the Vagina Monologue for its blatant suckiness. I’ve read better critiques of the yearly twat twaddle, but it was refreshing to read this kind of criticism in the Emerald, if only because I could sense the imminent onslaught of angry letters to the editor.

So let the vagitation begin.

In today’s ODE, student senator and O.C. nemesis Sarah Wells insinuates that Bradley is missing the point.

“I wonder if [Bradley] has sat next to any of the audience members who felt uplifted by the performance, who cried at the sad stories and laughed at the funny ones … ?”

Well, probably not. But what is this, an applause system? Is one man’s objective opinion immediately devalued because an audience was easily placated by simple platitudes and tired clich�? That’s a rather cocky rhetorical argument, Sarah. And it certainly isn’t smooth, motherfucker.

Yay. For some reason, we received complimentary issues of Out Magazine, which were accidentally sent to the ODE. Will the perks of this job ever cease? But I must ask: Why would the Emerald give up such fantastic reading material? Don’t they want to know how unhung men cope?

For those who missed my radio interview with Victoria Taft, you’re in luck. I’ve been invited back to discuss Ward Chruchill. It should be interesting.

I’ll be on at around 6:45, 860 KPAM (simulcast on the web here).