To reiterate: heh.

Their only goal in life is to find an egg to fertilize, even in the face of my goal being stopping them from doing that with any means necessary. Fortunately for me, and other like-minded individuals, there’s a new weapon in the fight. Good thing it’s an implant, though, because I forget where I put my keys at least three times in any given day, and I can’t imagine trying to remember to take a pill in the morning.

[Hattip: Courtney] This RedGuard story is just plain strange and frightening. Children are little carbon-based monsters, efficiently designed to turn food products into excrement. The last thing I want is for one to be crawling around my house leaking its fetid fluids all over the floors. People in India and wherever else these hippies get their information don’t use diapers because they’re poor people in the third world! It’s also hillarious that these jokers are some of those “raw food” nutjobs. I laugh at their crap covered hardwood!

I’m not sure two men can raise a baby properly.

Three men, however, would do quite well. With hilarious results!

(sorry.)

From: “Jessica Cole-Hodgkinson”

To: “[email protected]”

Subject: Lars Larson Show

does or has anyone listened to the Lars Larson Show on am radio?

I need some info about it — personal impressions are fine

Not that I was on the Bush bus to begin with, but I am now even less of a fan.

Jesus. If this is what happens when I get into the office early, I’m going to start sleeping in more often. Anyone got any good news?

Megan McArdle – no extremist, she – hates Ralph Nader enough to say so in bold. Here she gives a few salient details about the PIRGs. The more you read, the more depressing it gets.

There’s a hostage situation going on in Springfield that began earlier this afternoon. SWAT officers responded to a domestic dispute when shots were fired inside of a home near 35th and Main Streets. The dispute apparently involves a man and his ex-wife. From what I heard on my car radio, a nearby middle school was locked down and surrounding streets were closed. I have no idea what’s going on now because I don’t have access to a TV in the Commentator office, but I bet it involves a lot of tear gas.

UPDATE: The situation ends as a murder/suicide, sadly.

According to today’s Register-Guard, a University student was arrested for attempted murder on Sunday morning after allegedly stabbing his roommate several times. The victim is in critical condition at Sacred Heart Medical Center.

UPDATE: More details on the incident from KVAL 13.

From the Sunday Register-Guard: Oregon Libertarians are planning to run candidates against 10 Republicans who supported Measure 30. Libertarian Party Chairman Tom Cox, who won 5 percent of the vote when he ran for Governor in 2002 (note: the R-G mistakenly printed “2000”), will run against freshman Rep. Mary Gallegos of Cornelius.

Though I’m not entirely hip to the big “L” party, if some of these candidates win positions in the state legislature we may see some progress toward dissolving bureaucratic institutions like the OLCC. However, given the lukewarm results of Libertarians in previous elections, I’m not waiting with bated breath. Or something.

Not having grown up in Oregon, I must admit to often being confused about the differences between the various Portland suburbs. It’s like there’s this secret code Portland-ites know from birth about what it means to be from whichever outlying town.

However, after over three years of grueling study, I think I’m starting to get the hang of it. People from Lake Oswego (or “L.O.”, for the annoying) are rich. People from Portland are respected because they’re actually from Portland and not a crappy suburb. And people from Clackamas are cops who try to meet 13-year-old girls on the internet.

Seriously, a news station caught twelve of these guys in two days. Just imagine how many they’d get if the actual police were trying to catch them. (And not, you know, be them.)

The Portland Communique is covering the news of four ballot initiatives submitted to the Secretary of State on Thursday, which seek to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman and to ban recognition of same-sex marriages conducted in other states.

Here’s the text of one of the initiatives, the Defense of Marriage Amendment:

The Oregon Constitution is amended by the addition of the following provision:

Only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state. A legal status identical or substantially similar to that of a marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized in this state.

The Communique also notes the text of the initiatives indicate that the petitioners are seeking to ban civil unions, in addition to gay marriage. <sarcasm>Hooray.</sarcasm>

For some reason Blogger didn’t publish any of today’s posts until 7 p.m., so there’s a crapload of posts below for you OC readers to enjoy. Among the posts is a tag-team assault by Dan and Olly on everyone’s favorite unfrozen caveman columnist.

Today’s Register Guard features and article covering the rise and fall of Mother Kali’s, Eugene’s most prominent feminist bookstore. The bookstore doesn’t seem to have much life left in it after suffereing damaged from internal conflicts and rises in textbook costs and minimum wage.

If the bookstore closes, where will “Jane,” the eight-foot Amazonian statue, go? Where can we find her an owner who will give her a good home?

My suggestion: eBay.

Damn you, Atkinson. You left me some pretty choice bits, though. I read this piece while walking along E. 11th this morning, and I don’t recommend the experience. It was this line that put me over the edge:

Regardless of whether it’s a poem or not, consider this exercise: Try listening to something else — your friend, a stranger, an enemy, a tree — without forming any judgment or waiting for your turn to talk.

Here I collapsed in giggles and had to close the paper. For the next two blocks I was looked at unkindly by strangers – a glimpse into the life of the poet, to be sure – because I couldn’t keep a straight face. The rest of it doesn’t quite approach the same heights, though there are flashes of greatness:

Yet it goes farther when it comes to our core; the writer of a political poem places his or herself in a room full of mirrors, where they see themselves in everything.

Yes. I couldn’t have put it better myself. That’s exactly the problem: seeing yourself in everything. The reason most political poetry (and virtually everything the esteemed A. Shakra puts on paper) is so irritating is precisely its bottomless narcissism. Alas, there are many things in this big old world that couldn’t care less about us. Even the trees: they may seem like they’re always there to lend a sympathetic ear, but you should hear how they talk about you when you’re not around.