The OC Blog Back Issues Our Mission Contact Us Masthead
Sudsy Wants You to Join the Oregon Commentator

Archive for the 'Narcissism' Category

Duck-Fondlers, Highlighter Shortages, and Acid Flashbacks: Why Your Team Sucks

November 19th, 2009 by Evan Lisull of the Arizona Desert Lamp

The following is an arranged cross-posting of trash talk between the Oregon Commentator and the Arizona Desert Lamp in preparation for Saturday’s football game vs. Arizona. Don’t like what’s being said? Feel free to trash talk back, and look for our rebuttal posting on the Desert Lamp website, later today. Go Ducks!

At some point between reading the Wikipedia article on “Pete DeFazio” and the UODPS Security Report, I realized that Oregon is absolutely useless and boring and a waste of anyone’s time. The state is known for “mail-in voting” and Portland, which makes Idaho’s “We got dem potatoes!” marketing campaign sound almost appealing.

But the deal was already set. A submission was due! Cry “Havoc!,” and let slip the hounds of gin.

1.PIRG-loving schmucks

Oh, I can already hear the Commentariat whining in protest – “We’ve fought them for years! We exposed them for what they really were! We gave you all of the background material so that you could stop them in Arizona!” Whatever. Somebody had to give them a sense of legitimacy when they were still babes suckling on Nader’s sagging teat, and that somebody is the state of Oregon.

Speaking of taking shit from the worst entities on the face of the earth. . .

2.You gave the world Joey Harrington

As a Lions fan and Detroit-area native, there’s a lot to hate, generally. But Joey Harrington is definitely up on the list.

joey desert lamp

Look at this fucking love connection and its fucking love child

3.Sartorial “Shma-shmortion”

oregon uniforms desert lamp
“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
~University of Oregon Athletic Director Mike Bellotti Oscar Wilde

Stupid people on the internet say, “OMG rly originall making fun of Oregon’s jerseyz.” And of course, being the Internet, this comment is supposed to be sarcastic, and is made in Mom’s basement while wearing battery-acid-colored pajamas.

But look: this is not a matter of originality, or trying to be cute. This is a serious issue that needs addressing. If Congress is having a commission on the BCS , it sure as shit needs to have a commission on this Ralph Lauren fever dream. Where is the FCC when you need them? (Protip: Finding strangers in the Alps .)



“So, dude, for Halloween, I duct-taped fucking wings on my shirt sleeves!”
“Uh, why’d you do that?”
“My mom made me. She thought I might get hit by a car at night.”

This is the college football equivalent of this shirt:

dinosaur desert lamp

Minus, of course, the whole “bad-ass” aspect. In other news, Nike is in the process of designing a duck-beak shaped mouth guard.

5.Back-Brain Stimulants

oregon yellow desert lamp

Something about these uniforms reminded me of this quote:

In the control room the Technician mixes a bicarbonate of soda and belches into his hand: “God damned tenor’s a brown artist!” he mutters sourly. “Mike! rumph,” the shout ends in a belch. “Cut that swish fart off the air and give him his purple slip. He’s through as of right now . . . Put in that sex-changed Liz athlete . . . She’s a full-time tenor at least . . . Costume? How in the fuck should I know? I’m no dress designer swish department from the costume department! What’s that ? The entire costume department occluded as a security risk? What am I, an octopus?

OK, not really. I just got this from flipping to a random page in Naked Lunch . Works though, doesn’t it?

This is what happens to the Notre Dame helmets after Charlie Weis is done with them.


6.Make your own offense-to-all-that-is-decent-in-this-world!

This is a good idea, if potentially dangerous.

Seriously: what the fuck is wrong with your state? Washington has the purple-gold Huskies, and the scarlet-gray Cougars. Kinda butch-femme, but whatever. Meanwhile, fucking Oregon has to go out and have the Chernobyl-yellow-green Ducks play the construction-worker-orange Beavers. Shit like this is why health care is so expensive in this country.

The one thing that hasn’t been said, though, is the fact that UO has only adopted the all-white get-up (white unis, white helmets) on games before Labor Day. Which means that they actually care about shit like this.

Oh, you sad, sad shards of existence.

7.You bastards legitimized Boise State

Everything you needed to know about politics, you learned playing backyard football. And everybody knows that there’s that kinda obnoxious kid, who’s kinda big and probably pretty good. But the kid’s a real fuck – it doesn’t matter why, he’s probably Mormon or something – and nobody wants to hang out with him.

So one day you’re playing football and he says, “Hey, you mind if I play?” You don’t say, “Gosh, gee, sure thing Jimbo! Line up on the left side.” You say, “Fuck you, asshole, we’ve got even teams.” If he plays, and he’s good, you’ll never be able to get rid of him. Ever.

Boise State is that kid of the college football world. They wanted to play with the big kids, and the rest of the country said, “Fuck you, you’re from Idaho.” But not Oregon – nooooooo. So goddamn special. They just had to give the blue-fielded coxswains of the football universe a chance to prove themselves against a “real” team, and they did it – twice.

They were already yesterday’s news – after all the hooplah about beating Oklahoma, they lost to TCU in the fucking Poinsetta Bowl . But like that asshole Brendan Fraser, you just had to bring this national nightmare back from the crypt. (No, it’s not quite as shitty as the Mummy . But it’s close.)

And plus, Jesus Fucking Christ:

boise st desert lamp

This is worse than what Keith Jackson sees in his ketamine binges. (You thought he just ‘retired’? Please.)

8.And you know keeping water fowl, for uh, domestic, you know, within the stadium. . .

ducks desert lamp

Look at these two fucking love-birds

Arizona might have taken away our mascot’s guns , but at least they didn’t cut his balls off and turn him into a Chinese knockoff of a second-rate cartoon:

The nickname for Oregon’s first sports teams was “Webfoots,” coined by longtime Oregonian sports editor L. H. Gregory. The name originated from a group of fishermen from the coast of Massachusetts whose descendants settled in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. When the University of Oregon was founded in 1876, Webfoots was the natural choice for the school’s nickname, because of Oregon’s reputation for wet weather.

Sports reporters later changed the nickname to “Ducks,” and by the 1930s, a small white duck named “Puddles” began to appear to sports events. Beginning in 1940, cartoon drawings of Puddles in student publications began to resemble Donald Duck, and by 1947, Walt Disney was aware of the issue. Capitalizing on his friendship with a Disney cartoonist, Oregon athletic director Leo Harris met Disney and reached an informal handshake agreement that granted the University of Oregon permission to use Donald as its sports mascot.

When Disney lawyers later questioned the agreement in the 1970s, the University produced a photo showing Harris and Disney wearing matching jackets with an Oregon Donald logo. Relying on the photo as evidence of Disney’s wishes, in 1973, both parties signed a formal agreement granting the University the right to use Donald’s likeness as a symbol for (and restricted to) Oregon sports.

‘Webfoots’? ‘Puddles’? Fucking adorable. Too adorable, apparently, for the psilocybin-addled Nike “scientists,” who had to bring in “Mandrake”:

As the story goes, the idea behind the new mascot, which Bartko and other athletics officials call “Mandrake,” spawned from a spring basketball game. When Oregon was in Sacramento, Calif., playing Montana in the NCAA Tournament, athletic officials noticed advantages of having an agile mascot.

Creeps. Apparently, “Mandrake” looked like this.

Nightmare Duck will haunt your local Chinese restaurants

I was hoping that it’d look more like this.


9.They’re gonna kill that poor woman!

Look, I appreciate a good rivalry like any beer-blooded American. But I also understand that there is a certain line in those rivalries. Where that line is depends on what sort of hard liquor is on hand, but no matter what, “kidnapping of women” is on the other side of the line. Apparently, no such line exists in the state of Oregon:

Maybe the most ingenious stunt of all took place in 1957 when four Oregon student athletes, all members of Theta Xi fraternity, decided one night (when they were all bored out of their minds) that wouldn’t it be clever if they could show up at Oregon State’s Homecoming game with Washington State and actually kidnap their Homecoming court.

Which is exactly what they did. Posing as reporters from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, allegedly sent to Corvallis on assignment to do a story on OSC’s game with a Washington school, the three ladies of the court accompanied the “reporters” for a short car ride to Avery Park south of town to shoot photos. Almost right away, the car began heading north toward Salem.

For the next 12 hours the group stayed tucked away at the home of the parents of one of the kidnappers, enjoying a large meal and delighting at how much national publicity the whole story was beginning to generate, including reports that the entire Oregon State football team was out looking for the court. Because Homecoming Queen Pearl Friel was native Hawaiian, it was also rumored that football players from the University of Hawaii were threatening to travel to Oregon to deal with the situation.

This, mind you, is from the Oregon State write-up – topped only by this OSU Alumni summary:

However, the prank of all pranks took place just before OSU’s Homecoming game with Washington State in 1957. Posing as journalists from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, four UO athletes “kidnapped” Oregon State’s Homecoming court members and took them to Salem, where the home of one of the “nappers” was used to entertain the three coeds (the parents of the student had dinner waiting) for over 12 hours.

Because it happened in the ’50s, kidnapping is OK? Actual quote from one of the kidnappers: “We phoned our president’s office and were told that the prank was OK, provided we didn’t break any laws and if nothing ‘physical’ happened.”

You fucking people. Stay the hell away from our women.

10.Your bullshit trail killed Kenny

kenny dead

You bastards!

ASUO Senate strikes again.

November 18th, 2009 by Alex Tomchak Scott

By the Barrel now in the UO Bookstore

November 18th, 2009 by D

by the barrel on a tableby the barrel on the shelf

By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator is now available for $10 in the UO Bookstore on 13th and Kincaid! The book is featured on a table as you walk up the stairs and also in the “University” section (go straight after the stairs, right corner).

The book sells for $10 in the store or you can order it online through the UO Bookstore’s website ( for $16 shipped to your door. (The book will be added to the site either today or tomorrow).

On a more personal level, the weight of the project hasn’t hit me until today after I saw it on the shelves with a UPC and everything. I’d like to thank everyone again for helping me out with special recognition to Guy, CJ, Owen, Scott, Bill, Fritz, Dane, Richard, Tom, Ossie, Tim, Olly, Drew, Dan, Ed, Mark, Bob, Chuck, Jon, Ian, Tyler, Ted and even the folks at the Emerald.

As always, you are also welcome to come down to room 319 in the EMU and purchase a copy from us as well.


ASUO Senate meeting live…again

November 11th, 2009 by Alex Tomchak Scott

Back from the Conference

November 8th, 2009 by D

Just thought I’d show you a few of the pictures we took.

drew guy alamo

1. At the Alamo


Coming to Soon to Your Coffee Table…

November 4th, 2009 by D

by the barrel

I drove up to Salem today and got my first five advance copies of the Oregon Commentator book By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator.

I have to say, it looks absolutely gorgeous. Josh McCormick did an amazing job with the cover, David Frohnmayer’s quote is still hilarious and the 24 glossy pages of color in the middle really showcase the artwork/debauchery we’ve been privy to during the last 25 years.

Look for it to be widely available through this website, our office and the University of Oregon Bookstore sometime next week when I receive the full batch.

The book will be priced at only $10 – Not bad seeing as how it’s hardbound, has a dust jacket and contains 25 years of the juciest campus goodies available.

Taking it to the CN conference this weekend to rub it in the noses of the Ivy League kids.

See you on the other side.

P.S. By the way, I have to send out my thanks to Mrs. Delgado’s 5th grade class at Robert Frost Elementary School in Silverton, Oregon. They were so excited about the book one kid wanted me to autograph his face. Little kids are funny.

Dust in the Wind

October 27th, 2009 by Vincent

The Ol’ Dirty is reporting that OSPIRG has finally been kicked out of the space in the EMU that they’ve been using since being sent packing last year. Not only that, but ASUO Executive Emma Kallaway pointed out that OSPIRG shouldn’t have been there in the first place, since they haven’t been a student group in years:

The Oregon Student Public Interest Research Group was dealt another blow Tuesday when the EMU Board of Directors delivered notice that OSPIRG’s file cabinets have to be cleared from its spot in the east side of the EMU, its professional staff can no longer use incidental fee-funded resources and a recognized student group would soon move in to share quarters with the Survival Center and the Student Insurgent.

The explanation provided was that OSPIRG is no longer a recognized student group and therefore cannot occupy space in the EMU. The inconsistency, as ASUO President Emma Kallaway noted, is that OSPIRG has not been a student group for years. Until July, the ASUO had a contract for membership in the statewide organization. No one ever bothered to mention contracted services should not have been allowed space in the EMU.

Along with OSPIRG’s illegal occupation of the EMU, it seems they’ve been using other University resources such as phone lines and computers that they had no particular right to. That, of course, hasn’t stopped them from being a bunch of ingrates:

The EMU Board says OSPIRG staffers cannot use the phones paid for by the incidental fee. OSPIRG students say they use cell phones because the land line was cut in July. The board says OSPIRG can’t use the computer provided in its former office space; OSPIRG Chair Charles Denson said it was slow anyway.

Sorry the misappropriated computer in question wasn’t up to your standards, Chuck.

Happy Birthday Oregon Commentator

October 24th, 2009 by D

Birthday Cake

The birthday cake, courtesy of 3 years of working at Baskin-Robbins in high school.

26 years ago today Richard Burr, Dane Claussen, Michael Rust and Robert Davis put out a newsmagazine on the campus of the University of Oregon. The first edition of the Oregon Commentator had commentary about the ASUO, OSPIRG and a wonderful article titled “Radical Moderation” that detailed one staffer’s journey from leftist to conservative (or rather, a “radical” moderate as the title indicated)

The Oregon Commentator‘s journey has been a long one. We’ve gone through cries of racism, vandalism, death threats and de-fundings. 26 years later, we’re still here causing a ruckus and acting as the voice of opposition on an overwhelmingly liberal campus.

Although we may not be exactly the same as the publication placed on newsstands October 24th, 1983, we still hold the same ideals published in our original mission statement from our founding editors, “We believe that the University should be a forum for rational and informed debate–instead of the current climate in which ideological dogma, political correctness, fashion and mob mentality interfere with academic pursuit.”

Happy Birthday Oregon Commentator. Here’s to 26 more years.

Keeping it Classy at Reed

October 19th, 2009 by Vincent

Reedies have never exactly been renowned for anything at all except for being rich, pompous and insufferable. Sadly, they can now add to that list “have a worse student publication than the Comic Press.” For a long time, I was convinced that student-run publications couldn’t get any worse than the UO’s own Student Insurgent. Then the Comic Press (neè The Weekly Enema) started putting out issues and the bar was really and truly lowered.* Alas, my attention has now been drawn to “The Pamphlette“,  a student publication at Reed College that has been embroiled in controversy after running an article charmingly entitled “LC  [Lewis & Clark -ed.] students kill Jewish people” after swastika graffiti was discovered in Lewis and Clark’s library.


Impotent Rage

October 12th, 2009 by Vincent

I was interested in reading the Emerald’s article about yesterday’s anti-Columbus Day protest held in the EMU Amphitheatre by the Native American Student Union (NASU). In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past fifteen or twenty years, there’s been a somewhat high-profile effort nationally to end the celebration of Columbus Day because of the centuries-long decimation of peoples indigenous to the Western Hemisphere that happened in the wake of Columbus’ “discovery” of the Americas.


The Oregon Commentator Dominates at Trivia Night

October 9th, 2009 by D

trivia night

(From left: Bryanna, Me, Drew, Ashton (CN Rep) and Tony Montana)

The Collegiate Network was nice enough to take us to dinner tonight. Our new CN rep, Ashton, treated us to delicious burgers and brews during trivia night at the Eugene City Brewery.

Guy Simmons proceeded to order the most expensive things on the menu, abusing our visitor’s generosity while simoultaneously offending the CN rep’s sense of fashion with his kickin’ suit.

We ended up dominating the competition during triva, with “Team Sudsy” coming in at first place. It didn’t do us a damn bit of good though–we only got $2 off our tab. At least we left with our honor.

Blog contest. Dodgeball. Nobel prizes. Trivia.

‘Nuff said.