In preparation for the ’08 Olympic Trials, the painfully white City of Eugene is bracing itself for an influx of mysterious, dark-skinned athletes by giving diversity training to volunteers, police and hospitality workers. I don’t know what’s funnier – the actual story or the news anchor’s faux outrage. Maybe it just sounds a lot stranger to people who haven’t been embedded in this bizarre Bermuda Triangle of crazy for the past two or three years. For example, when I watched this I said, “Yeah, that sounds about right for Eugene.” Thanks to Mike G. for the tip.

One of the most popular national news stories this morning is about something near and dear to all of our hearts: a man’s love of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Photo by Mary Compton, SouthtownStar via AP

Bill Bramanti is his name, and he, at only 67-years-young, has purchased a custom designed PBR coffin, story courtesy of USA Today.

I plan on doing things the cheap way and having my ashes dumped in the empty 1/2 gal of Patrone that’ll presumably kill me.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, people!

So this weekend I took one of those SAPP (Substance Abuse Prevention Program) seminars that seem to be a requirement for graduating seniors who need just a couple more upper-division credits.  This weekend’s topic was hate crimes.

 Anyway, at the end of the seminar the speaker opened up the floor to those students on campus who wanted to speak out against hate.

 A girl two seats away from me raised her hand and said, “Last fall the Oregon Commentator published an issue where they called girls ‘scrunts’.”

 In the fall of 2006 the Commentator defined a “scrunt” as: “A female, typically a freshman.  Generally a scrunt lacks a father figure and is extremely susceptible to peer pressure and persuasion.  Scrunt is something that one rustles.  ‘Hey dude, let’s go dorm stormin’ and rustle up some scrunt.'”

I don’t know what she was so upset about.  I mean she’s been carrying this around with her for two years.  It must have really affected her.  I’m just going to do the responsible thing here and blame Ted.  Why?  Because it’s fun to rile up Ted. 

Both The Oregonian and and the Register-Guard have front-page stories on Phil Knight today. The Oregonian story is huge, covering Knight’s influence in the UO and much of the controversy that accompanies it. Knight refused to be interviewed for The Oregonian. It’s funny because Knight actually requested an interview with the R-G to clear up some of the same issues that the O story brings up. He said he wanted to assure people that the new arena project was not “some kind of unseemly scam on the taxpayers.” The R-G article is mainly a Q&A fluff piece, although it’s interesting to hear Knight speak out.

One point of interest is that Knight’s $100 million donation comes with the stipulation that it can be withdrawn if the UO does not secure state-backed bonds for the new arena by June 1. The state legislature approved a $200 million bond in February, and the UO will take its case to the State Board of Higher Education next month for final approval. Coincidently, the UO spent $270,000 in lobbying expenses in 2007, up from $90,000 in 2006. I wonder how much they’re spending this year?

In Lil’ Wayne’s newest single Lollipop he states, “I get on top, and drop it like it’s hot, but when I’m on the bottom she’s Hillary Rodham.”

Personally I’d pinned Mr. Weezy as an Obama man, but this got me wondering: How many men will vote for Hil just because she’s a woman in power and they’re attracted to it?

I know all about voting based on sex appeal, I’m a Ron Paul girl, but I’d rather vote for Obama simply because (Ty Schwoeffermann, cover your eyes) I’d like to fuck him.

Perhaps this explains why I am also such a fan of Colin Powell?

According to the Huffington Post’s nifty little campaign donation tracker, people who identified themselves as employees of the University of Oregon have so far donated $24,962 to political campaigns in the ’08 election cycle. It doesn’t look like the first quarter reports have been added yet, so the real number is most likely much higher by now. How does it break down?

Of that $24,962, only two contributions went to Republicans, totalling $956. Actually, I should say Republican because both of those went to … Ron Paul. The majority of the Dem donations went to Obama with only one donation to Hillary Clinton. No contributions were listed from Frohnmayer, although his pals Melinda Grier and John Moseley both donated to Obama.

Tony Marino, a Tigard Republican running for the Oregon House, issued a letter to several newspapers that extensively describes his myriad failures in life, including bankruptcy, divorces, IRS trouble and a fake degree. Marino is spinning it as a “honesty is the best policy” move, but you can bet the Democrats were going to dig all this up anyways.

According to the Oregonian, Marino earned a doctorate in Marketing in under three months from Ashwood University, which gives its students credit for their “life experiences.” Later he discovered the shocking truth that the “university” wasn’t accredited in the state of Oregon.

Marino did leave out a few other tidbits, though. From the Oregonian:

A background check unearthed other financial run-ins, including a $12,300 civil judgment from 2001 that he contests and that he says he didn’t know about until Thursday. He’s also making monthly installments on a $4,900 judgment from 2002, filed by Ford Motor Co.

Whoops! It will be interesting to see if Marino’s “only human” strategy works. I for one would like to see more detailed confessions from politicians. Imagine the letters coming out of DC: “This one time Arlen Specter got drunk and passed out on my couch, so I drew penises all over his face with a Sharpie. He woke up the next morning and rushed straight to the Senate Judiciary Committee meeting. Everyone laughed at him, and I felt really guilty.”

Need I say more?

Edit: I was very drunk when I made this post originally. Apparently some peoples’ idea of cleaning out Suite One doesn’t involve boxes, several hand-trucks, and a U-Haul, but merely some Simple Green and a recycling tub. To each his own, I suppose.

If you’re interested in assisting with the Suite One clean-up, considering it is “filthy, filthy”, click the link above, or just join the group and encourage my idea of cleaning-up!

P.S. Drew, are you circumcised I’ll ask this at a more appropriate time.

The Eugene Weekly finally has their new dating and personals site, Wink + Kink, online, providing the Commentator with a new, limitless source of comedy. The only question is how many I SAW YOU’s can you handle?  For example:

Hey, um, I saw you at the VRC in the food court reading manga, “Got Rice?” Tee shirt, glasses, very cute. Saw you later watching “Smart People” alone, thought you had an adorable giggle. Me: kind of loud girl sitting in the row in front of you, red Chuck Taylors, MC Chris shirt and Foster’s sweatshirt, glasses, ponytail. I get a discount on manga at work, interested??

Or, on a slightly more disturbing note:

You activate my motion sensing flood lights practically every night when you walk by. Why don’t you stop and say hi? Is it my big telescope that distracts you?

The site currently has a free promotion going, and being the curious journalist that I am (and single), I have started exploring this strange, new meat market. The “Wink” section of the site is set up more like a conventional dating site, while “Kink” is more, well, kinky. I haven’t delved into the horrors of “Kink” yet, but the public has a right to know, dammit! Expect a full report soon.

A fascinating article in the Economist says that people in this country identifying themselves as “Conservative” or “Very Conservative” have a higher likelihood of being happier.

Some have hypothesized that it’s because liberals are miserable with President Bush’s administration, but apparently the evidence traces back 35 years. The article points to the fact that conservative people tend to go to church more and have more children, which leads to more long-term happiness.

While I’m not sure about that, I do like that they point out that the conservative perspective is more about taking responsibility, working hard, and succeeding through individualism. Whereas the liberal view points to societal issues, injustices, and huge “crushing impersonal forces that keep the little guy down”, conservatism acknowledges those issues (I hope) as history and seeks to solve them by discrediting them and living in spite of them.

So this election season, vote Republican and be happier.