The Center for Disease control wants you to be safe in the case of all possible. Including cannibalistic undead uprising. On Monday the CDC released “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse,” urging Americans to think of the safety of themselves and their loved ones in the unlikely case of a ghoul situation.

There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.

Whether one calls them ghouls, zombies or just “the infected” is a matter of semantics, of course. As the article points out, the term “zombie” originally came from Haitian / voodou origins, and referred to a reanimated corpse brought back by some form of necromancer to follow the evil priest’s will. But realistically, that isn’t the sort of zombie you’ll be up against in the case of undead infestation. More likely, it’d be Night of the Living Dead-style ‘ghouls’: slow, stumbly groaning monsters with a penchant for human flesh. (more…)

The OLCC is at it–and in **it–again. In another show of their even-handed enforcement, OLCC director Steve Pharo has been caught playing footsie with beer and wine lobbyist Paul Romain. The goal: railroad a bill that would benefit the western supermarket chain Grocery Outlet, increase competition in a legal manner, and, most harrowing of all, hurt the pocket books of the middle-man distributors.

Harry Esteve of The Oregonian has the background:

As far back as 1986, the chain was told by OLCC that it could store wine at its central warehouse in Clackamas and ship the wine to its stores, which sells groceries and wine at prices that are often lower than other stores by 20 percent or more.

In late 2007, the chain was told it could no longer cut out the distributor middleman. That prompted a lawsuit and proposed legislation. The issue is now awaiting a decision of the state Court of Appeals.

Meanwhile, [Grocery Outlet lobbyist] DiLorenzo and [Senator] Atkinson are pushing a bill that would essentially moot the court decision and allow the grocery chain to continue operating as it has.

Thus we have Senate Bill 438, which, “Authorizes holder of off-premises sales license, under certain conditions, to store wine at licensed premises for transport to other licensed premises for sale at retail.” Basically, it allows for what Grocery Outlet had been doing for roughly twenty years before it became a problem.

Our friends at the OLCC don’t like that, and are making it clear. Earlier this month, emails between Romain and Pharo came to the public eye, giving us all a lovely look at the OLCC’s objectivity. Among other obvious breaches of neutrality, Romain quite considerately pointed out, “There are some amendments to 438 that expand the storage and delivery privilige to all premises licenses. I believe that would present a huge fiscal for the OLCC in tax collection and control.” (I imagine an attached winky-face was mistakenly removed by his secretary.) To be extra helpful, Romain also sent along a document titled “Senate Bill 438 Talking Points”, just in case his minions needed some help with their homework. This exchange, notably, came after Kitzhaber asked the agency to remain neutral, a point also noted in the emails.

Romain, for his part, has faced the accusations like any well-trained James Bond villain:

Romain chuckled out loud when he heard the charge. He said it’s his job to inform the OLCC about issues important to his clients. Furthermore, he said, the beer and wine distributors sought and were given approval to intervene in the lawsuit on the side of OLCC.

“Of course I’m communicating with them on a regular basis,” he said, suggesting the release of the emails by DiLorenzo was more of a political stunt than an attempt to reveal supposed wrongdoing by OLCC. [OC note: He then tapped his fingers together menacingly, muttering, “Good. Good.”]

Pharo himself has called this all a crazy coincidence (no, really), Romain has accused DiLorenzo of being a drama queen, and Atkinson has called everyone meanie poo-poo heads and defriended them on Facebook. Thus, it would seem the Oregon public will have to wait and see if SB 348 survives the Senate before we get any meaningful discourse. Meanwhile, as we all sit back with a sad sigh and watch the political mud-slinging, OLCC Chair Philip D. Lang has this finger of wisdom to wag at the other side, namely Senator Lee Beyer, D-Springfield:

I have been at somewhat of a loss trying to understand why  you…are spending so much effort on SB 348…You of all people, just coming off several years as Chair of the Public Utilities Commission knows that special interest legislation does not make good public policy.

Cheers, sir. Cheers.

[OregonLive.com also has the story here, and the emails can be read in full here.]

God is to beer like peanut butter is to chocolate, a very tasty age-old combination.  Beer dates as far back as 6 b.c. to Sumerian writings that contain prayers about beer like the ‘Hym to Ninkasi’ , not only a devotion to the goddess, it also contains the recipe on how to make beer .  Now why wasn’t this at the church I went to?  In all seriousness though, writer and craft beer enthusiast, Andy Sparhawk points out ancient cultures all over the world make reference to the gift of beer, or the process of making beer, coming from a maker, God or Godess.

CraftBeer.com recently released an article about craft breweries that pay homage to their ancient god or goddess’ roots and yes the name of Ninkasi Brewing made this holy list.

Ninkasi, the Sumerian goddess of intoxicating drinks, is said to brew beer everyday for other gods. The Hymn to Ninkasi was found on an ancient clay tablet in what is now Iraq. It attributes the founding of a town near a sacred lake to Ninkasi (another nod to beer helping to create civilization) and provides instructions for brewing.

Why pick one beer when Ninkasi Brewing Company named their whole brewery after this beer goddess. Have a look at this video, created by the brewery, which is a modern day interpretation of Ninkasi.

Some other notable deities mentioned in the article: Kautantouwits, who was said to have brought corn to some Native American tribes via a crow that came from the god’s garden (beer made with corn). Egyptian god Osiris is known for barley beer and drinking everyday– hey-o!– in addition to being  the god of dead and agriculture (there’s a life and death metaphor here but I’m coming up short at the moment). The creator, Onyame, hails from African belief, providing his people palm sap to brew beer and drink at their elder tribal meetings .  Not only did these people claim that beer came from gods, they believed beer to be the gateway for spiritual meditation, prayer and the facilitator for communication.  Beer was spiritual.

Reverence to this beloved drink is much different from how many in our culture view today’s beer; however, it is easy to see where our ancestors were coming from when enjoying beer brewed by today’s small and independent craft brewers. Despite our current understanding of the brewing process, a glass of beer still produces the same wonder, mystery, and enjoyment as it did thousands of years ago. Beer can, and I believe, should be celebrated in the same manner; as a gift from the gods [or God], sacred and, for some, even deeply spiritual.

Sparhawk illuminates stark differences from how beer culture was once revered in ancient times to its lesser holy reputation now,  but even with his seriousness about beer business, he still reminds consumers that they should drink merrily.

As we approach a time of year where many of today’s major religions recognize some of their most holy of times, it is important to recognize that beer has brought people together since mankind first discovered it. We can reflect on the idea that the power of beer has little to do with how much you consume, rather how it is enjoyed. Beer IS proof that some divine entity loved humankind and wants us all to be happy.

With that sort of send off, it just makes you all warm and fuzzy inside doesn’t it (wait that might be the beer talking)?  I raise my glass to you fellow beer drinkers: whether you consume or savor your craft beer, do so with a smile and friends nearby. Cheers (indeed)!

For those of you in the beer world who keep tabs on the  Brewers Association or the craft beer scene, you may have heard: Goose Island, a craft beer brewery, has just been bought by Anheuser-Busch (newly acquired by InBev).  What this means is that Goose Island beer could turn into the same watered down piss that AB already brews and bottles.  Typically the bigger company will sacrifice good ingredients like real hops, malt and barely to replace it with cost effective extracts and artificial flavors.  Speaking of beer tasting like piss, the Brewmaster  Greg Hall himself brewed his own concoction of beer the other night. Huffington Post reports:

It’s been a real up-and-down couple of weeks for Greg Hall.

The brewmaster at Goose Island announced in late March that he’d be leaving that role, as the Chicago-based craft brewer was bought up by Anheuser-Busch for a hefty $39 million. He’ll be leaving for an undisclosed new project, according to statements at the time.

And last Friday night, Hall celebrated his 45th birthday at Bangers and Lace, a self-described craft beer and sausage bar that Time Out Chicago recently named its Best New Bar.

Unfortunately, according to the Chicago Tribune, the celebration got a bit out of hand. In a conversation with the Tribune on Monday, Hall didn’t deny accusations made by the Bangers staff that he urinated in two beer glasses and left them at the bar.

Looks like someone partied a little too hard.  The intoxicated Brewmaster made his father’s brewery (of 23 years) become known for more than just beer the other night while celebrating his 45th Birthday at Wicker Parks Bangers & Lace.  Folks, this is quite the drunken tale.

Hall unveiled a brew all his own: pissing in two pint glasses. After throwing a few back Hall proceeded to go behind the counter of the bar and proceeded to urinate in two glasses, leaving them on the bar.  At this point Hall probably should have discreetly left, but he had to be escorted from the premises by staff to his car (hopefully he wasn’t driving).

Yes we can all laugh at the silly over-the-top drunken escapades of a man threw one too many back, but there is a bitter note to this story.  What beer lover might not realize is that Hall’s company has just sold out to a corporate giant which has a monopoly on almost half of the beer industry.  As Huffington Post points out though, craft breweries like Goose Island are doing well, but I guess if I was offered that much money I would probably allow myself to be bought too.

John Hall, the head of Goose Island, said that the company was quickly outgrowing its capacities, having to limit production of some of its most popular beers, and that the deal with Anheuser-Busch would help the company continue to expand. “This agreement helps us achieve our goals with an ideal partner who helped fuel our growth, appreciates our products and supports their success,” Hall said, in a statement on the buyout.

Looking at the real numbers, small breweries are popping up all across the country, the BA lists 85 breweries just in Oregon. Understandably Goose Island was growing but as the rest of the HP article points out, small breweries are gaining attention while bigger companies are losing it.

As the Wall Street Journal points out, craft brewing has been an exceptionally solid performer in an otherwise unexceptional beer market in recent years. Craft beer sales were up 11 percent last year, while the broader industry was down one percent.

I do not disagree with smaller breweries expanding, but typically with these sorts of expansions in the beer industry, it leads to a more generic product using lower quality ingredients just to cut costs.  It also moves the flow of money from within a state economy into the wider commercial economy, which results in states losing money to outside sources.  Whether it is sourcing ingredients for the product from farther away or giving jobs to workers who are out-of-state, it hurts the local economy.

When a consumer buys beer from a small or local brewery they are more likely to receive a fresher, higher quality product because the ingredients used in the beer were sourced locally (fresh is good). Sourcing ingredients locally means that brewers are supporting local farmers, creating a co-op effect within the community.  Radical thoughts: local people stimulating local economy by buying products that are made locally.  I am sorry for the locavore commotion train, but the dollar signs make sense.

This installment of Oregon news briefs is all about nanny bills. Special thanks to the Oregon Legislature for plenty of fodder via their vaguely-sexualized obsession with getting involved in other people’s lives.

Despite the fact that we already have anti-littering laws, cops are complaining of a lack of enforcement when it comes to flicking cigarette butts on the ground. Their plan: make a new crime, and classify “unlawful disposal of a tobacco product” as a separate littering offense that would carry a $90 fine. Current laws do cover cigarette butts, but are seldom enforced, possibly because “offensive littering” carries potential jail time, and is sometimes considered too harsh.

(more…)

But this kid got lucky. Gives quite a new meaning to drinking underage.

I foresee freshman sending their parents cards with this kids picture and a note that says “at least I didn’t start when he did. Love you.”

Hopefully drunk.

See below for inspiration:

Peter Wong of the Statesman-Journal writes about possible amendments being made to the state constitution allowing law enforcement officials to set up roadblocks and the measure that would call checkpoints to a vote :

It was law enforcement against civil libertarians Monday on the issue of whether voters should be asked to change the Oregon Constitution to enable police to set up checkpoints to deter drunken drivers.

Along with Washington and Idaho, Oregon is among the dozen states that do not allow such roadblocks. The state Supreme Court, by a 5-2 vote in 1987, disallowed them as a violation of the state constitutional guarantee against unreasonable searches and seizures without “probable cause.” The other 38 states do allow them.

House Joint Resolution 25, sponsored by Rep. Andy Olson, R-Albany — a retired state police lieutenant — and others, would put the issue to the voters. Previous attempts to do so have not made it past the Legislature.

Drivers in Oregon wanting to drink on the road may have to become more clever than popping breath mints to evade DUII citation and arrest.  State voters have not wanted checkpoints in the past, but the latest bill announcement of House Joint 25 not only calls personal liberty into question but also driver protection.  Rep. Andy Olson is presenting the proposal  along with House Bill 3133 (HJ’s sister bill), which would change Oregon constitution to allow sobriety checkpoints throughout the state.

(more…)

For those of you that follow along at home, this will make Senate much more enjoyable. This is of course applicable to any Senate meeting. Cheers!

ASUO Drinking Game Rules:

Drink every time

• There is actually a meeting
• OSPIRG shows up to said meeting
• Someone abstains from voting

Take a shot when:

• President Amelie Rousseau
• Rousseau leaves
• Senate hands out $10,000 or more.
• There is a lone “nay”

Upend your homemade four loko when:

• Kamal yells at senate or
• Senate goes over their estimated end time by more than 2 hours

As some of you may remember, Oregon home-brewers came under fire last summer following a DOJ decision regarding ORS 471.403(1). The law states:

No person shall brew, ferment, distill, blend or rectify any alcoholic liquor unless licensed so to do by the Oregon Liquor Control Commission. However, the Liquor Control Act does not apply to the making or keeping of naturally fermented wines and fruit juices or beer in the home, for home consumption and not for sale.

The DOJ interpreted this to mean that once a home-brewer’s product is consumed outside the immediate home, the brewer loses his or her exemptions under the law and must be licensed by the OLCC. The effect of this and the reason for the initial inquiry were questions regarding the legality of home-brew competitions, such as those at the Oregon State Fair. As a result, the 23rd annual Amateur Beer Competition was canceled and Oregon legislators began searching for a way to continue the time-honored tradition of Oregon craft brew judging and consumption.

Enter Floyd Prozanski, the Democrat from Eugene and an avid home-brewer, who, back in August of 2010, stated he was set to propose a change in legislation during the next legislative session to allow for these competitions to occur legally. Introduced by Prozanski on January 10, 2011, and passed by the Oregon Senate on February 22, 2011, Senate Bill 444 seeks to “expand exemption of homemade beer, wine and fermented fruit juice from Liquor Control act,” as well as, “allow licensee to conduct organized judging, tasting, exhibition, contest or competition of unlicensed malt beverages and wine or homemade beer, wine or fermented fruit juice, or related events, at licensed premises subject to Oregon Liquor Control Commission restrictions.”

Prozanski was concerned when he learned of the existing law, prompting his jump into action:

“I was shocked,” Prozanski said about last year’s legal ruling. “My brew partner was extremely concerned because we brew at my house. Under current law, he would be subject to prosecution for transporting his portion home.”

But the bill passed the Senate without debate, and assuming it goes through the House, it should be in place in time for summer and fall home-brew competitions. It seems, for the moment, Prozanski and the approximated 20,000 home-manufacturers in the state are in the clear regarding transporting their goods.

As an aside, here’s some interesting info regarding the law and how it compares to other states:

Gary Glass, director of the American Homebrewers Association, said Oregon has one of the oldest laws in the nation, dating to the Prohibition era.

Even though it’s been a tough time for Oregon home brewers, he suggests it could be worse. Two states, Alabama and Mississippi, have laws that prohibit home brewing altogether.

Editor’s note: Because of mistakes with communication during the process of production, this article was one of a couple that did not find their way into our upcoming Sex Issue. Here it is, one of the many things we at the Commentator will be bringing you during Sex Week. It’s exactly like Shark Week except we had to change the name for legal reasons.

We’ve all been there before: you wake up and look over at that hot slampiece you picked up in the bar last night, only to see braces you didn’t notice before. Then she hurriedly packs her Hello Kitty backpack,  saying if she doesn’t get to first period on time she’ll totally get detention. And of course, you could get a lot more than that. It happens, but you can avoid it if you look for some telltale signs of that hottie actually being a prepubescent prison sentence:

• She throws complicated words (incorrectly) into her sentences and talks about how smart she is. As in, “I am so smart everyone in my family says I’m encyclopedic.”
• She calls her “professors” “Mr.” and “Ms.”
• She’s drinking appletinis because “JD from Scrubs is SOOOOO funny!!!”
• She tells you a story about how she got “totally” tipsy off of two “cans of vodka” at her friend’s party.
• Two minutes into conversation she’s showing you her Silly Bandz.
• She “casually” mentions she’s bisexual in conversation, then tells you if you don’t like it you can just deal with it.
• Every time you say something amusing, it reminds her of a Family Guy quote.
• You two are sitting and talking when you hear some music come from her pocket; she squeals a little bit and goes “I love my new Jonas Brothers ringtone! One second that’s my friend!”
• Any squealing.
• You ask what she’s studying, and her response is “I really like my second-period P.E. class! All my friends are in it!”
• Every five minutes she pulls out her iPhone to check updates on her Justin Bieber fan club Facebook group.
• She says she can really identify with the messages in Linkin Park’s new album.
• You compliment the belt she’s wearing, and she thanks you and mentions she got it at Hot Topic.
• You ask if she wants to go to a less crowded bar, and she says she can’t because she has to be home by 10 p.m.
• You mention you’re here because all your friends went out without you, and she says she had to get out of the house ‘cause her parents were being totally unfair.
• She keeps turning the conversation to how her friend Brianna got a new pair of jeggings and now she needs to get some too or she won’t be cool anymore.
• She brags about how many MySpace friends she has.
• She drops something, bends over to pick it up, you see the top of her panties…and make out the face of Dora the Explorer.
• She actually says things like “OMG” and “brb.”
• When she goes to pay for her drinks, she pulls money out of a Hannah Montana wallet.
• You spend ten minutes hearing about how her parents are buying her a car for her birthday (she claims her 22nd) and she can’t wait to get to drive herself around without having to ask her mom’s permission to use the family car, which is TOTALLY LAME by the way.
• She legitimately enjoys High School Musical.

That is all. Continue with your drunken merriment.

A little while back we posted about the huge affect that political redistricting can have on the political process. Around the country right now, we’re seeing seats lost and gained, which will have an unknown affect on the already-turbulent balance of power in congress. One effect we’re seeing already though is that several-time Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich might lose his Senate seat, as the NY Times outlines here.

Along with for having a really hot wife (proposed image caption: Damn, it feels good to be a gangster!), Kucinich has been known as a hardline progressive populist since the country learned how to pronounce his name during his 2004 Presidential bid. Maybe it’s because he’s seemed to mellow out a little bit since he got married (just an observation), but he seems to be taking the possible loss in stride so far:

With Ohio losing two seats, political analysts expect the Republicans to eliminate a Democratic seat from the Cleveland area — possibly the one now held by Representative Dennis J. Kucinich.

“My Aunt Betty called me after the news report, and she says, ‘Dennis, what are we going to do — are they putting you out of Congress?’ ” Mr. Kucinich said in an interview, explaining that he would try not to worry about it right now, since it is beyond his control. But he added that “the fundamental rule of politics is you have to have a district to run.”

Truth be told, it’s unlikely we’ll see the end of him even if his seat is eliminated. He’s got a lot of followers around the country, and perhaps the pluckiest little goldfish in all of history was named after him.

Dennis Kucinich entered our lives several Christmases ago when a roommate won him and this brother, Ron Paul, at a carnival (or something).

For several months they shared equal power in their fishbowl, and were an inspiration to all of us. Then one day we woke up to find Ron Paul dead. We were sure it was him because he was floating on the right hand side of the tank. We just assumed it was because he couldn’t stomach the political climate in his little fishbowl, but I always suspected it had something to do with his habit of eating his own poop.

In the face of such adversity, a lesser goldfish would have gone belly up. But not Dennis Kucinich. For almost four years, he was the only one in the fishbowl talking about the issues that matter.  People would stop by the house and marvel that he was still alive, despite the inadequate short-term memories of his owners.

For a while we had dream of buying him bigger and bigger fishbowls to see if we could try to grow him bigger than his human counterpart, it wouldn’t last long. His maker and other plans for him, and one day, as mysteriously as he came in to our lives, he shed his mortal coil, and we were left with nothing but memories.

So here’s to you, Dennis Kucinich. Jesus loves you more than you will know.

P.S. Merry Christmas, everyone. Remember that Sudsy O’Sullivan is always there for you to help you through the holidays with your families.

Science totally wins:

Students and alcohol are never far apart, but most manage to hold off the booze when they’ve got an important test the next morning. Now it seems they needn’t worry, as researchers from the Boston University School of Public Health have found that combining last-minute revision with a couple of beers isn’t a problem. Heavy drinking the night before an exam had little effect on a student’s academic performance, but they did have worse moods and slower reflexes.

…

Unsurprisingly, 70% of students assigned to the alcoholic beer complained of a hangover the next morning. This didn’t seem to affect their exam performance however, as regardless of beverage all students scored relatively high on a mock exam and a quiz on a lecture from the previous day. Despite this, students rated their own test performance as worse if they were hungover.

These findings contradict previous research showing links between alcohol consumption and academic problems. The researchers suggest that a third factor such as personality could be the cause of both – perhaps some failing students are driven to drink. They also warn the research shouldn’t be used as an excuse for excessive drinking.

That’s right, kids. Drinking the night before a test does not have the detrimental effects we once thought it did. (Editor’s note: The Commentator accepts no responsibility for test grades. That F is all on you, buddy.)

Hat tip to the Desert Lamp for the story. They are serious champions.