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CDC releases zombie survival guide, OC rejoices

The Center for Disease control wants you to be safe in the case of all possible. Including cannibalistic undead uprising. On Monday the CDC released “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse,” urging Americans to think of the safety of themselves and their loved ones in the unlikely case of a ghoul situation.

There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.

Whether one calls them ghouls, zombies or just “the infected” is a matter of semantics, of course. As the article points out, the term “zombie” originally came from Haitian / voodou origins, and referred to a reanimated corpse brought back by some form of necromancer to follow the evil priest’s will. But realistically, that isn’t the sort of zombie you’ll be up against in the case of undead infestation. More likely, it’d be Night of the Living Dead-style ‘ghouls’: slow, stumbly groaning monsters with a penchant for human flesh.

Romero’s zombies don’t eat brains so much as any bit of a human they can get a hold of. They also have the added bonus of being relatively easy to outrun. But, the problem isn’t so much the “zombie” in the singular form. It’s “zombies” in the plural. As in, “holy shit, I was running from a zombie, and ran smack in to a horde of 30 zombies.” This will only be worse if the undead are of the chemical-agent-infected Return of the Living Dead variety, at which point they’ll be fast-moving and probably smarter than you are. Plus they eat brains to ease the unimaginable pain of being dead, so there’s that much more motivation to turn you into a human pulled-pork sandwich.

So what does the CDC think you need to withstand a zombie infestation? Well, they’re more of the “hunker down and wait for help to arrive” approach, than “go out and kick some ass, cowbow.” Their list is as follows:

  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane).
  • All in all, pretty good advice for the behind-the-scenes of the zombie apocalypse or any other disaster. But for more zombie-specifics, keep the following in mind.

    1. Sever the head or destroy the brain. That is the only way to kill a ghoul.
    2. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
    3. Bullets are heavy, and you never know when you’ll find more. Swords get you too close to the action. Choose wisely.
    4. Head for the nearest red state if rule three becomes an issue. (‘Sup, Idaho?)
    5. Avoid contact with blood. You never know when you’re dealing with a blood-born pathogen.
    6. Double-tap.
    7. Beer will get you drunk, and give you vital calories from carbs. Both are legitimate pursuits in case of apocalypse.
    8. Gasoline will dry up pretty damn fast. Convert your hummer to run on zombie parts.
    9. If you can get there, so can they.
    10. Two words: lawn mower.

    (Probably not safe for work, unless you work at the Oregon Commentator.)

    Edit: Ok, OC readers. What UO building would you hole up in when the zombie apocalypse struck?

    1. Jeremy says:

      LLC South. Give up on the first floor, keep the 3 doors by the stairs locked and barricaded with the excess of wooden furniture that exists in that place. Raid LLC North for food beforehand. Fill all containers with fresh water. Jump out the 2nd or 3rd floor onto the ledge in case of emergency.

      If you can get into the underground tunnel between the LLC’s, then that’s a big winner too.

      I might’ve thought this over for too long…

    2. Thunderlove says:

      Autzen Stadium is a zombie fortress. Plenty of rations inside of hot dogs and popcorn.

      EMU is a death trap in a zombie invasion same with PLC.

      The safest place on campus incase of zombie attacks is probably the Museum.

    3. Tim! says:

      I’ve got a fever. The only cure is more cowbow.

    4. dcjsncjd says:

      they stole half of this shit from zombieland.

    5. Luke says:

      Does the Jock Box count as a UO building? They’d never get me on the third floor.

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