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New Issue Preview: How to Avoid an Underage Girl in a Bar

Editor’s note: Because of mistakes with communication during the process of production, this article was one of a couple that did not find their way into our upcoming Sex Issue. Here it is, one of the many things we at the Commentator will be bringing you during Sex Week. It’s exactly like Shark Week except we had to change the name for legal reasons.

We’ve all been there before: you wake up and look over at that hot slampiece you picked up in the bar last night, only to see braces you didn’t notice before. Then she hurriedly packs her Hello Kitty backpack,  saying if she doesn’t get to first period on time she’ll totally get detention. And of course, you could get a lot more than that. It happens, but you can avoid it if you look for some telltale signs of that hottie actually being a prepubescent prison sentence:

  • She throws complicated words (incorrectly) into her sentences and talks about how smart she is. As in, “I am so smart everyone in my family says I’m encyclopedic.”
  • She calls her “professors” “Mr.” and “Ms.”
  • She’s drinking appletinis because “JD from Scrubs is SOOOOO funny!!!”
  • She tells you a story about how she got “totally” tipsy off of two “cans of vodka” at her friend’s party.
  • Two minutes into conversation she’s showing you her Silly Bandz.
  • She “casually” mentions she’s bisexual in conversation, then tells you if you don’t like it you can just deal with it.
  • Every time you say something amusing, it reminds her of a Family Guy quote.
  • You two are sitting and talking when you hear some music come from her pocket; she squeals a little bit and goes “I love my new Jonas Brothers ringtone! One second that’s my friend!”
  • Any squealing.
  • You ask what she’s studying, and her response is “I really like my second-period P.E. class! All my friends are in it!”
  • Every five minutes she pulls out her iPhone to check updates on her Justin Bieber fan club Facebook group.
  • She says she can really identify with the messages in Linkin Park’s new album.
  • You compliment the belt she’s wearing, and she thanks you and mentions she got it at Hot Topic.
  • You ask if she wants to go to a less crowded bar, and she says she can’t because she has to be home by 10 p.m.
  • You mention you’re here because all your friends went out without you, and she says she had to get out of the house ‘cause her parents were being totally unfair.
  • She keeps turning the conversation to how her friend Brianna got a new pair of jeggings and now she needs to get some too or she won’t be cool anymore.
  • She brags about how many MySpace friends she has.
  • She drops something, bends over to pick it up, you see the top of her panties…and make out the face of Dora the Explorer.
  • She actually says things like “OMG” and “brb.”
  • When she goes to pay for her drinks, she pulls money out of a Hannah Montana wallet.
  • You spend ten minutes hearing about how her parents are buying her a car for her birthday (she claims her 22nd) and she can’t wait to get to drive herself around without having to ask her mom’s permission to use the family car, which is TOTALLY LAME by the way.
  • She legitimately enjoys High School Musical.
  1. Gsim says:

    How things have changed. I remember when scrunt rustling was an approved activity.

  2. Kellie B says:

    DISAGREE with OMG and BRB I have heard all these and more from grown-ass women.

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