I don’t know how, but I am in possession of some sort of elaborate magic gourd that is almost entirely flat. There’s a kind of magic pool that hangs completely vertical without spilling on this gourd, and it shows me pictures of incredible things and allows me to make little symbol-ants walk across it; and yet I can never reach them to partake in their delicious protein. Another strange thing: The massive hut I am in is extremely balmy, even though there is no noticeable fire and the world outside the hut is several times as cold as it ever gets back at home in Paleolithic Southeastern Africa.

There are any number of equally strange miracles I have witnessed in my current environment, but I cannot afford to dwell on them at the moment. That is because the magic gourd I have described previously has told me several incredible stories that I must relate to you immediately. You can read about them by dragging your leaf-shape grub over to the fat, blue symbol-ants below and forcing them to mate.

Public affairs:

• Thunderclouds of progress: Giant, yellow, dinosaur-like robots will soon begin eating existing parts of Sacred Heart Medical Center, after which orange-vested sorcerers with mysterious and threatening magic-sticks and domed helms will gradually incant a grand new medicine hut into existence (Register-Guard).
• Rituals: One UO shaman prophesies that the gods will not curse us with a second dollar-bill winter and will instead continue to improve harvests (Gazette-Times)
• Apprenticeships: Soon it will be impossible to appeal to the chief to feed you while you are on the next of your multi-day-vision-quests-that-ends-in-ceremonial-circumcision-in-front-of-everybody (or hopefully doesn’t if you’re female … ) (Emerald).
• Fire-talks: The chief’s threats not to sacrifice an ASUO budget document to the gods if the circle of elders doesn’t meet her conditions have caused much grunting (Emerald).
• Hogwarts: Soon, a new class at the University of Oregon will teach how to create new fancy spells for information wands, but some people who make world-pictures have already started making their own fancy spells (Emerald, MyCentralOregon.com).
• Fire-shows: Somebody will use a kind magical gourd to create moving cave paintings against the wall of a nearby hut this Friday (Oregonian)

Opinion:

• Letters: Register-Guard readers opine about public salaries and continue a war over the ethics of the Lane County Commission.
• Richard Lariviere and his wife condole the families of five young men and boys who have died unexpectedly recently (his blog).
• The Emerald’s JoAnna Wendel thinks it’s not impossible to like science and religion. Both of them! At once! Imagine!
• Some Emerald opinion-possessor — either Wendel or someone named Sam Bouchat — does not like the idea of a “kill switch” for the Internet in the president’s hands.
• Editorials: The Register-Guard’s editors have apparently begun to suspect that Measure 5, passed in 1990 to cut property taxes that supported schools, might not have such a positive effect on education; they want property taxes ratcheted up. They also flick the idea of attempts to enshrine the dubious constitutional principle of nullification contemptuously from their desk.
• The Guard’s guest viewpoint for today: on the subject of “virtual schools.”

Sports:

• Oregon Sports gets 357 PERCENT OF THE NATIONAL AVERAGE in terms of private donations for sports, AND POSSIBLY MORE. alley-oop! But Oregon Academics is A TOTAL LOSER in the national-average stakes. Only 59 percent? airball! (UO Matters)
• The UO’s wheelchair-racing team has NOWHERE TO PUT ITS EQUIPMENT, which is a PROBLEM, and the Emerald’s Baylea O’Brien is NOT ABOUT IT.
• Oregon Club Hockey: completely CONQUERED THE STANDINGS in the Pac-8, presumably a version of the Pac-10 made with saccharine and served in a less colorful can, and will now contest “the Pac-8s” in search of A FEW DOUBLE-YOOS!!!!! ooh, up against the glass! (Emerald)
• Oregon Basketball (M): is just AMPED UP over its SHOOTING PERCENTAGE and tendency to BATTLE AT THE BOARDS and the way that it IS SOMETIMES DISSATISFIED NOT TO WIN GAMES!!!!!!!! go for it on fourth-and-long! (Register-Guard); player Joevan Catron was named player of THE WHOLE WEEK. going to the natty! (Emerald, KVAL)
• Oregon Baseball: has a bunch of new recruits whose eyes are SO BRIGHT they could walk around at night and you COULD STILL SEE PERFECTLY, even if there was NO OTHER SOURCE OF LIGHT, and fully HALF are capable of understanding the concept of DETAIL, although NOT THE OTHER HALF, the coach says. ¡yo la tengo! (Emerald); despite being extremely successful, does NOT WANT TO CHANGE ITS APPROACH, although its player KC Serna has BROKEN THE RULES. ¡golpe! (Emerald).
• Oregon Track & Field: has CAPTURED New York mile-runner Chad Noelle. by a nose! (WBNG).
• Emerald sports-lizard Robert Husseman writes about how Oregon Basketball (W) coach Paul Westhead totally WOMPED his players for their complacency.
• People are so desperate to see Serena Williams at the new Basketball edifice that THERE WERE NO TICKETS TO HER LEFT AFTER ONLY 11 MINUTES (San Francisco Chronicle).

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 8th, 2011 at 08:00 by Alex Tomchak Scott and is filed under Media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.