Desperate for money, the city of Portland decided to invoke a leaf-removal fee this autumn. As reported by theOregonian, the city hopes to raise as much as $800,000 by charging homeowners, renters and property management companies for removing leaves from streets. Fees range from $15 to $65 with an opt-out option based on the very reliable honor system. In addition, low income-citizens will pay a reduced rate.
How exactly, the city council and Mayor Sam Adams got away with having individuals pay for a public good is questionable. In fact, when Adams first proposed this idea in 2008, the city admitted that it was in the best interest of the people to keep the streets leaf-free, saying that leaf removal reduces slippery roads and flooded drains. According to OSU Economics Professor Patrick Emerson’s blog, ” public goods — they have elements of non-rivalry (one person’s consumption does not leave less for another) and non-excludability (you cannot prevent people from consuming)”. Therefore, streets are not only a public good, maintaining them is in the best interest of the people. So, if this is the case, why must a few suffer the fee? As Emerson wonders, should high-crime neighborhoods pay an extra fee to the police, should people who live next to parks have to pay more for those parks?
What’s more ironic is the hand-holding the city engages in with anything involving trees, when leaves are seemingly a private matter. According to city regulations , one must obtain a permit to plant, prune or remove a tree in the city right-of-way and even on private property sometimes. Yet a citizen is expected to clean up the leaves in the street in front of his or her house and if they don’t the city is going to clean up, no questions asked, and then mail bills? This seems, quite simply, asinine.
Moreover, the incentives of the system are inherently flawed. As Emerson notes, “I think perhaps each block should pool and every house but one sweeps their leaves in front of one house and everyone chips in to play that house’s leaf fee.” Or, with even less effort one can easily opt-out. The program requirements are rather generous, according to the city website one must either “declare that they removed the street leaves themselves, they paid someone else for the service, or they have no street trees near their property and the trees in their yard do not drop leaves in or near the street…[or by] declaring that they would have managed the street leaves themselves if they had earlier notification about the fee and the opt-out process”. The incentive to actually pay the fee is nonexistent and the opt-out program just creates more paperwork. With it being so easy to duck the fee and the costs involved with enforcing the fee, how much money is the city of Portland really going to make?
For you unfortunate Portlanders, here are a few ideas if you choose to opt-out (click here for the application and remember, no lying):
Toss the leaves from your portion of the street to your yard. Sit outside with a smug look as the leaf crew passes by.
Rake your leaves to someone else’s portion of the road, then pretend like nothing happened, smile and wave at your neighbors so they won’t be suspicious.
For a marginal cost take your leaves to a “leaf depot.”
Or, kindly drop them in front of Council Chambers City Hall, 1221 Southwest 4th Avenue, to show your appreciation for their stupidity.
Did your candidate lose? Did you fail a midterm? Throw yourself a pity party. Wrap yourself up in blankets and shut yourself away from the warmth of your family and friends, you freak. Why don’t you go watch yourself some reruns of LOST and convince yourself that your theories aren’t a waste of time. Hey, Christmas is coming up—why don’t you ask Santa for a new pillow to cry into? But fer fuck’s sake, put down that tub of “Chubby Hubby.”
If your self-loathing is truly complete you will stuff your disappointed face with ice-cream that tastes like an awful idea. Portland ice-cream cart Junior Ambassador’s wants a grant to make a full seven-course Thanksgiving dinner à la crème glacée. Their proposed flavors include such abortions as waldorf salad, deviled eggs with bacon, and of course, turkey with yam and marshmallows. But before the phrase, “Gag me with a spoon” takes on new literal merit, I want to address the best idea they proposed— “Pecan Pie and Ice cream Ice cream.” I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around the concept of ice cream tasting…wait for it… like ICE CREAM. Using reflexive properties in the culinary world is never, ever a bad idea. I stand firmly behind Junior Ambassador in their quest to nauseate and (potentially) delight. But only to further science.
Posted in Crazy, Humor, Worthless | Comments Off on Haven’t they seen Willy Wonka? Rich bitch turns into a goddamn blueberry.
A lot happens when you go to college. After the weed is gone, the hangover subsides, and you somehow end up with a degree, college boils down to life experience. All the beliefs we have are actually tested. Our morals are examined and some hypotheticals start to become reality. Our responses to these experiences affect the rest of our lives. But how do you handle that kind of stress? The stress of being ripped out of childhood and forced into adulthood can signify the violent transition we all have to face. Some people conform and become boring. Others become angry and rely on crutches. But I very recently discovered that the best way to handle any kind of stress is comedy.
At tonight’s ASUO Senate meeting, President Rousseau announced that the ASUO is moving forward with a smoke-free campus policy. The Executive received an $800,000 grant to be spent over a number of years from PacificSource Health Plans as part of their Healthy Campus Initiative. The plan would be implemented over two years, starting with a “Great American Smoke Out” in November. The money from PacificSource will go to the hiring of three staff members, one full time and one part time, to deal with creating a healthy campus. Rousseau stated that a Tobacco Free Campus would be the primary issue those people will work on, specifically a promotion and education plan. Rousseau mentioned adding signage promoting a smoke-free campus and taking down the smoking stations, but there would be no enforcement of the policy other than peer pressure and a culture change. The idea is to educate new students that UO is a tobacco-free campus, so that is their expectation when they become students. Rousseau also mentioned that Oregon State University is implementing a policy in January, and she would love to do it first.
Other campuses in the country do this, including Arkansas and Kentucky. Should Oregon be added to that list? Comment it up, kids, I want to know what you think. Then I’ll tell you what I think (although I think you already know).
P.S. Smoke-in next week. More details with the next post.
For those not in the know, certified crazy person Art Robinson is seeking to outseat long-time Democrat Peter DeFazio in the race for Oregon’s 4th congressional district representative. The man sells and markets his own home-school system, in order to “Teach your children to teach themselves and to acquire superior knowledge as did many of America’s most outstanding citizens in the days before socialism in education.” He also founded the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine, an organization known for promoting Robinson’s crazy home-school curriculum, and this:
Several members of the Institute’s staff are also well known for their work on the Petition Project, an undertaking that has obtained the signatures of more than 31,000 American scientists opposed, on scientific grounds, to the hypothesis of “human-caused global warming” and to concomitant proposals for world-wide energy taxation and rationing.
Totally. Nuts.
But according to internal polling, Robinson is not doing all that bad.* According to the Center for Responsive Politics (totally amazing organization, for the record), he has raised $947,640 to DeFazio’s $904,883. (Data as of September 30, 2010.) Not a big leap up, but $43,000 is nothing to scoff at.
Oh, and this doesn’t include television ads attacking Congressman DeFazio, which were bankrolled by the formerly-mysterious Concerned Taxpayers of America. As part of the decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the funders of the PAC did not need to reveal themselves — until this last Friday. It was then discovered that the Concerned Taxpayers of America could only technically refer to themselves in the plural — there are only two of them, and Robinson has since revealed that he only kinda sorta knows one of them.
Ultimately, the attack ads likely have nothing to do with getting Robinson elected. The Washington Post article linked to above states that DeFazio has a feeling his congressional decisions on hedge-fund legislation have something to do with it:
“I have been one of the most prominent critics of Wall Street and tried to call them to account,” DeFazio said. “I’ve obviously made some powerful enemies.”
Robert Mercer, one of the two “concerned taxpayers” who has also donated to the Robinson campaign, is the executive of Renaissance Technologies, a Wall Street hedge-fund that has the potential to suffer in the face of harsher hedge-fund legislation.
Basically, it’s a big mess. Special interests on top of special interests, money flying from hand to hand, television ads that have little semblance of truth . . . how do you navigate through the sea of propaganda and controversy?
Friends, you have the World Wide Web at your disposal. Before sending in your ballot, go and read election endorsements (specifically ours, which will be online this Sunday), research the candidates and the ballot measures, and make your own decisions. Your television is going to lie to you every time.
*I was one of the 300 likely voters called for this Art Robinson poll. “If you knew that Peter DeFazio eats babies, would you still vote for him? Push one for yes, two for no, three if you are unsure.” I’m being hyperbolic, but that was basically the name of the game.
In a stunning display of independence and maturity, 400ish freshmen rioted in the intersection of 14th and Patterson last Friday, the 24th. It took about 50 police in SWAT gear to subdue the drunken masses, which finally cleared out a little after midnight (can you say after-riot party?). Tear gas was thrown, street signs torn down, and nine people arrested on alcohol-related charges. UO President Richard Lariviere called the rager “completely unacceptable,” and pledged to improve the University’s relations with the surrounding neighborhood. Longtime West University residents seemed nonplussed by the incident, stating that it was, “earlier this year than in previous years.” The damages, which also included broken car windows (not cool, Freshies,) will cost the city about $10,000.
Both police and citizens have speculated on the cause of the riot, one theory being a deficit of large houses that, in years past, could accommodate tens of partiers. Without these Animal Houses smaller apartment parties have become the norm, but with small space and loud people come the inevitable spillage of drunks into the street.
One may wonder what this ridiculous episode means about the incoming class of ’14 and the future of UO partying in general. Clearly, these freshmen are ready to get their swerve on right away and at unprecedented levels. True, the first exhilarating taste of freedom can go to one’s head, but their overly enthusiastic antics spell problems for the rest of us. Increased party patrol vigilance will be a definite result, and pissing off residents could mean police visits to your house if your little Gleek party gets a smidge too loud.
If only there was a place where underage students could gather and get super shitfaced without getting arrested. Imagine, a gymnasium sized room to which freshman alchies could bring their 30-bombs and cheap handles and drink their little brains out. It wouldn’t need anything inside, no chairs, no decorations, just let them bring their pong tables, boomboxes, and nude playing cards. Who would need to riot when you have a chill spot like that?
Personally, this writer believes the true victims in this incident are the street signs. Every street in the West University neighborhood is a mish-mash of aging houses and pop-up apartment complexes that shit all looks the same. It is easy to get lost and impossible to find what street you’re on due to a large amount of missing street signs, which the city refuses to replace. It is understandable that they are frustrated with stupid kids stealing them all the time, but is there truly no way to bolt that them down a little better? It appears, from looking at the remaining signs, that they are just thin rectangles that slide in and out of a metal frame. Let’s try something a little more substantial, hmm?
If you like reading about silly freshmen making a fuss on a Friday night, you can read about it in the Register Guard and the Oregon Daily Emerald. From the RG article:
“The mass of people was admonished to disperse, but ignored commands, continued chanting obscenities, threw bottles and projectiles at officers, broke car windows and tore down street signs,” [Eugene Police Lt. Doug] Mozan said in a statement. “Tear gas was deployed only after the admonishments were ignored and when the crowd began throwing objects at police.”
The end of the Daily Emerald article shows a real victory for students, with President Rousseau making the best statement of her presidency yet:
ASUO President Amelie Rousseau condemned EPD’s response to the event, and said she believes that the use of weapons against students was an uncalled-for escalation of force, and identified it as “crude and disproportionate.” She also said that she believed the incident has affected her views on whether or not DPS should adopt a sworn and armed police force pending the passage of state legislation.
“I think this should make all students and the University administration think twice about bringing this type of intimidation on to campus.” Rousseau said, “This is exactly why we don’t want a police force on our campus.”
There was totally a riot in Eugene last night, in the West University neighborhood. Someone got a video:
Wow, freshmen are crazy. WELCOME TO COLLEGE, WOO! Sophie will have a longer post about it later. From what I hear, it was between 300 and 400 kids. Nuts.
So we all know that Canada sometimes deals with municipal issues in an . . . interesting way. In my humble opinion this monstrosity takes the cake:
Today, West Vancouver officials will roll out a new way to keep drivers alert and slow them down: a little girl speed bump. A trompe-l’œil, the apparently 3D girl located near the École Pauline Johnson Elementary School is actually a 2D pavement painting . . .
In what sounds like a terrifying experience, the girl’s elongated form appears to rise from the ground as cars approach, reaching 3D realism at around 100 feet, and then returning to 2D distortion once cars pass that ideal viewing distance. Its designers created the image to give drivers who travel at the street’s recommended 18 miles per hour (30 km per hour) enough time to stop before hitting Pavement Patty–acknowledging the spectacle before they continue to safely roll over her.
This is SO CREEPY I can’t even imagine. Isn’t it more likely than not that after these traffic calming devices are implemented drivers are actually going to hit more little kids? Like the boy who cried wolf, “Pavement Patty” will lull drivers into a false sense of security, creating more accidents than already existed.
Thanks, Canada, for the innovation. Let us know how it works out.
Just received this email via ASUO Multicultural Advocate Alexis White, via the infamous United States Student Association:
Currently the USSA Board of Directors is in violation of diversity guidelines. It is important that we respect these guidelines for reasons we all might or might not understand. The Board has not met the diversity guidelines stipulated in the Constitution, which require that 30% of the Board identify as openly queer. So there are opportunities for those that are interested in applying for the DREAMERS Caucus Chair or as a at large Board member.
This is very important and I am taking the diversity guidelines very seriously. When we set guidelines as a organization it is important that we all do our part to meet them. I have attached the documents via Google docs underneath. Please consider applying to the positions and/or forward to anyone you know that might be interested.
The question arises: does one need to identify directly with a specific group of people to advocate on their behalf? I have a good friend — a white friend — who recently started work with the NAACP. She advocates on behalf of a population she is NOT a part of and — SURPRISE — does a pretty damn good job. It is certainly possible for individuals outside a certain demographic to advocate for those in that demographic. Maybe this is why the ASUO has been without a Non-Traditional Student Advocate for so long. Maybe if the student government understood that traditional students can advocate on behalf of non-traditional students, the non-trads might be better off.
Additionally, where did the 30% figure come from? Why not 20%, or 10%, a figure closer to the general makeup of the out-and-queer population of the United States? It’s likely an arbitrary number that a few students in a room (traveling on the student dime) came up with and decided they needed to fulfill, to maintain a commitment to diversity, or something. Personally, I’d prefer competent students serving on USSA boards regardless of sexual orientation than limiting the open positions to a very specific demographic, thus creating a smaller pool of applicants and a likely less competent supply of board members. But that’s just me.
This brings up another good point. How gay do you have to be to be a member? Is there some sort of gay-o-meter? What if you make out with a girl at a party, does that count? Do you have to date your girlfriend/boyfriend for a specific amount of time in order to be considered? Oh, but I digress.
The United States Student Association (and also the Oregon Student Association) have long faced criticism from the Oregon Commentator for wasting student money on conferences so people can discuss various pieces of legislation and continue to “advocate for students.” Bigger pieces of that tasty financial pie go to board members. Why not open that up to all members of the student populace? Isn’t that the point of the United States Student Association, to advocate on behalf of all students? Then let all students apply to be on student boards, regardless of skin color / sexual orientation / breakfast food preference. Maybe USSA could ACTUALLY serve students instead of taking student money and hiding it away at a retreat site in Seattle.
UPDATE:
Dear USSA,
Please upload your governing documents in a format that has a file extension, so interested parties can open them.
Julie Murphy is from Oregon City. She was inspired to become an entrepreneur by one of her favorite television shows. She and her mother traveled up to Portland, to set up shop in a more lucrative location — Alberta Street. As is often the case, Julie was shut down by the authorities and their “heavy handed regulations.”
The authorization in question is a $120 temporary restaurant license. The business in question is a lemonade stand. Julie Murphy is seven years old.
Even before her daughter had finished making the first batch of lemonade, a man walked up to buy a 50-cent cup.
“They wanted to support a little 7-year-old to earn a little extra summer loot,” she said. “People know what’s going on.”
Even so, Julie was careful about making the lemonade, cleaning her hands with hand sanitizer, using a scoop for the bagged ice and keeping everything covered when it wasn’t in use, Fife said.
Everything was going great for Julie and her mom . . . until the authorities showed up.
After 20 minutes, a “lady with a clipboard” came over and asked for their license. When Fife explained they didn’t have one, the woman told them they would need to leave or possibly face a $500 fine.
Surprised, Fife started to pack up. The people staffing the booths next to them encouraged the two to stay, telling them the inspectors had no right to kick them out of the neighborhood gathering. They also suggested that they give away the lemonade and accept donations instead and one of them made an announcement to the crowd to support the lemonade stand.
That’s when business really picked up — and two inspectors came back, Fife said. Julie started crying, while her mother packed up and others confronted the inspectors. “It was a very big scene,” Fife said.
Technically, any lemonade stand — even one on your front lawn — must be licensed under state law, said Eric Pippert, the food-borne illness prevention program manager for the state’s public health division. But county inspectors are unlikely to go after kids selling lemonade on their front lawn unless, he conceded, their front lawn happens to be on Alberta Street during Last Thursday.
If Lemonade Stand taught me anything, it was the basics of capitalism and entrepreneurship. I learned how to build a business from scratch, keep track of inventory and finances, and understand what kept me afloat. I even opened a lemonade stand in my apartment complex in Hong Kong at age eight, to see what all the fuss is about.
While safety concerns are legitimate, this was a responsible seven-year-old with her mother on hand. Laws are laws, and health regulations are realistic, but . . . seriously Oregon?
I leave you with this, from Julie Murphy’s mother:
While Fife said she does see the need for some food safety regulation, she thinks the county went too far in trying to control events as unstructured as Last Thursday.
“As far as Last Thursday is concerned, people know when they are coming there that it’s more or less a free-for-all,” she said. “It’s gotten to the point where they need to be in all of our decisions. They don’t trust us to make good choices on our own.”
So I was going to do a post bout the Afghan soldier evacuation and the $500 million in planned aid to Pakistan. Then I saw this, a fan made video turned advertisement on Apple’s website touting another use for their titular iPad.
Ignoring the fact that the iPad is pretty much a glorified, expanded iPhone–a less sophisticated computer with a touch screen–this ad takes the cake in Apple consumer pretentiousness.
Effectively touting how you can use velcro to suspend an iPad anywhere in the home/car/work, the ad re-makes the wheel when you remember that it’s just as easy to prop the damn thing up without needing to place velcro all over the house.
The highlight of the video comes as a user places the gizmo on velcro placed on the wall. Not only would two black bars look fucking ugly on the wall when it’s not covered, but this idiot is using the iPad as a picture frame.
Total: $304 and some ugly ass black stripe on the wall
I enjoy new technology, I really do. But the way this fucking trinket is hyped is goddamn deplorable. There’s nothing new or interesting to see, folks. Move along, move along.
His name is Ma Yaohai. He is a slim 53 old man with glasses and lives with his mother in China. Sounds like a dork right? Wrong. Professional bad ass in my opinion. Why you may ask? On Thursday, Ma got sentenced to jail for three and a half years for something most of us could only dream of…. ORGIES!!
That’s Right! This guy…..
IS A LOVE MACHINE!
Doesn’t look like it, but this guy has planned and taken part in 18 orgies and has even created his own internet chat room for swingers. What I really love about Ma, is that during this whole ordeal he constantly told the Chinese government to suck on his love whistle, even blurting out in his own trial, “How can I disturb social order? What happens in my house is a private matter.”
For those of you in the uninformed proletariat, China has for decades tried to manage and control the population. Going so far as to create “moral laws” aimed at preventing the perversion of their citizens. The law the Chinese government is prosecuting Ma under is a leftover law at preventing people from having sex outside of marriage, specifically against “Hooliganism.” Which of course made me giggle, because my mom used to call me a hooligan back in middle school.
Mr. Ma plans on fighting the ruling with as much rigor and fervor as he takes into one of his orgies and I for one am rooting for him. What someone does inside the privacy of their own home is no ones business but there own, even if it is in a two bedroom house with your Alzheimer inflicted mother. (as in the case of Mr. Ma, Weird right?) So in support of Mr. Ma, I’m asking everyone to go out and do something perverted that would piss of the Chinese government. Have an orgy, Watch some porn, Threesome, four-some, dropping goos in public. Hell, I’ll even count just having sex with someone you care about as support for Mr. Ma.
First of all, let me say that today’s Ol’ Dirty is full of gems. I suggest you pick up a copy.
I’m here today, however, to talk to you about one of the most absurd acts of protest I’ve ever heard. Last night’s ASUO Senate meeting did not carry on as planned, due to lack of quorum (to be a legitimate voting body, the ASUO Senate needs two thirds of its members present, or 13 people). They were planning on having exactly quorum, until Sen. Jairo Castañeda failed to show up without notification. His reason? I’ll let Tomchak’s article speak for itself:
Castaneda said his absence was a deliberate attempt to make a statement about an incident at the April 28 Senate meeting.
There, the Senate gave the club women’s lacrosse team funding to go to its national championship in Scottsdale, Ariz. While voting for the funding, Sen. Ben Fisher told members of the team to “bring your birth certificates,” a reference to Arizona’s recently passed immigration law, which critics have said will lead to racial profiling.
“I believe that was highly disrespectful,” Castaneda said after the comment, at which many senators and audience members laughed.
Fisher said the comment was intended as a joke criticizing the Arizona law, which he, like Castaneda, opposes.
“The whole reason for me not going to tonight’s Senate meeting was not Fisher,” Castaneda said. “It was the climate that allows things like this to be said.”
The best part of all of this is the only group who had time constraints on receiving money was the Multicultural Center, a group largely considered to be the greatest advocate for marginalized communities:
The only group seeking funding whose members said it needs the money before the Senate’s next meeting was the Multicultural Center, looking to pay for two speakers coming May 12 and 13. [Senate President Nick] Gower told the MCC’s representatives the Senate would hold a special meeting for them if necessary.
“Unfortunately, a few senators who don’t want to represent their constituents are the reason we don’t have quorum tonight,” Gower said.
Sen. Gower really hit the nail on the head there. You want to talk about respect, Sen. Castañeda? Not allowing a public meeting to go on as scheduled and postponing potential funding for at least seven student groups is, to quote Sen. Ben Fisher, “stupid,” as well as one of the most asinine forms of protest I’ve heard of. You are an ASUO Senator, and it is your job to show up to your meetings and dole out student money. So do your job, or get the fuck out.
P.S. I saw you last night at the bars while you were supposed to be serving the student body. Real classy.
