“Simpsons did it!”

It has recently come to our attention that the Comic Press, a “newspaper” at the University of Oregon, has been running a twitter feed titled “ASUO Spew” for quite some time. We have sat idly by while the Comic Press has made use of our own recycled jokes, references and phrases over the last two years, but this is the final straw.

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According to Tomcat down at the Ol’ Dirty, the grievance filed against Emma Kallaway for failure of her duties was dismissed.

I’ve remained unimpressed with the stated greivance against Kallaway since it was filed this summer. Really, I could care less if she turned in her stated goals on time. I don’t expect much out of the ASUO and I’ll be damned if they don’t deliver.

Also, the grievance was obviously filed out of spite and the entire chain of events has been blown out of proportion–did anyone really think the ASUO would remove a sitting president? Especially when the newly appointed judges were chosen by her own office?

If this is what is going to stand for controversy in the ASUO this year, I will welcome it with open arms. (But I doubt that will happen)

Let’s get back to business in the ASUO, shall we?

All expenses paid student conferences in Hawaii for everyone!

Kari Chisholm at Blue Oregon muses about the err… surprising news that President Obama has, only months into his Presidency and with no particular achievements to speak of, been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. He comes to the conclusion that

… the Nobel committee sometimes awards the Peace Prize as a way of noting something they want to encourage.

Second, it’s crystal clear to me that it was the Nobel committee’s way of issuing a rebuke to the previous administration; a giant F#%! YOU to George W. Bush.

Err, alright then. I suppose that very well could be, though one also suspects that Mr. Chisholm could be engaging in a certain amount of projection. In any case, after tossing in some boilerplate stuff about Obama’s “collaborative” approach to international affairs being superior to Bush’s “cowboy diplomacy”, he concludes that the Nobel committee may be a bit “premature” in giving President Obama the prestigious award.

Quite.

On the other hand, at least now the President can claim to be in the same league as such world-historical figures as Henry Kissinger and Yasser Arafat, to whom awarding the Nobel Prize no doubt counted as a “giant F#%! YOU” to the world.

Reason’s Jesse Walker discusses at length some of the ideas I’ve been trying to get at recently:

When mainstream commentators treat a small group of unconnected crimes as a grand, malevolent movement, they unwittingly echo the very conspiracy theories they denounce. Both brands of connect-the-dots fantasy reflect the tellers’ anxieties much more than any order actually emerging in the world. When such a story is directed at those who oppose the politicians in power, it has an additional effect. The list of dangerous forces that need to be marginalized inevitably expands to include peaceful, legitimate critics.

[…]

The killers, they acknowledge, aren’t taking their marching orders directly from Fox News and AM radio. But by giving serious attention to theories associated with the fringe right—that the Federal Emergency Management Agency is preparing concentration camps, that Barack Obama is not a natural-born U.S. citizen—Glenn Beck and other broadcasters are validating the grievances of potential killers, giving them the impression that they aren’t alone.

[…]

The first is that it ignores the autonomy of people on the fringe. Not just the radicals who commit the crimes, but the radicals who don’t commit crimes. There’s a complex ecology at work here.. Words have influence, but they influence different people in different ways; you can’t reduce media effects to simple push-pull reactions. Accusing Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly of validating right-wing violence isn’t so different from accusing pornography of validating rape, Ozzy Osbourne of validating teen suicide, or Marilyn Manson of validating school massacres.

Think about that. Then go back and read Blue Oregon’s Carla Axtman’s comments on this blog attempting to link mainstream Republicans (and conservatives in general) with “wildly fringe conservative organizations” listening to “eliminationist rhetoric” “within [the] context of guns and stoked-up town halls.”

Axtman (among others) is engaging in the Team-Red vs. Team blue equivalent of blaming Marilyn Manson for Columbine.

"You're the Republican Ernst Röhm!"

"Is it the hat?"

——
Speaking of “have you no shame!?” posturing…

Wait, I wasn’t speaking of that at all. Whatever.

With the Obama Administration on its last legs after less than a year, having spent what was left of its political capital in a savage, blood-soaked gladiator brawl over questions about the President’s place of birth and in the wake of ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s sudden resignation from office and her subsequent abortive foray into avant-garde poetry, rumors abounded that the Oregon Commentator’s own Sudsy O’Sullivan was already preparing for an easy cruise through the 2012 election.

Sadly, it seems that Sudsy’s Presidential ambitions have been stymied before the beloved anthropomorphic mug of beer’s campaign even got of the ground with the revelation that Mr. O’Sullivan was, in fact, born in Kenya.

Via operatives planted at the headquarters of the “Birther” movement, the Oregon Commentator has obtained a copy of Sudsy O’Sullivan’s birth certificate, which we have reproduced below:

Despite torpedoing President Obama’s entire Administration and forcing the nascent O’Sullivan campaign to scuttle its plans for a 2012 run, one of the leading lights in the so-called “Birther” movement, the amusingly named Orly Taitz, has praised California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger, saying:

Governor Schwartzenegger has done a fantastic job here in California. The state has never been in better shape. People poke a lot of fun at Governor Schwartzenegger’s so-called “accent”, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s a patriotic American, through and through.

In fact, we’re hoping he’ll consider a 2012 Presidential run because we’re confident he has a good shot at the Oval Office. At least he’s demonstrated that he knows how to run a responsible budget, unlike that stinking foreigner who’s been treating America like Occupied Poland since January 20th…

Yep, brace yourself. Friday’s topic at the Pacifica Forum is “Thinking Through Sexuality: Everything You Thought You Knew About Homosexuality Is Wrong.” I’ll have some more details soon, but for now just savor the thought of the Pacifica Forum debating sexuality.

Here’s the end o’ year edition of the Oregon Commentator News, brought to you by a definitely-not-high Drew.

Yes, everyone’s favorite fire and brimstone street preacher, Brother Jed, is back on campus this week. Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, Brother Jed or one of his ilk migrate to campus every year to tell everyone they’re going to hell. Here’s a good picture of Jed explaining the birds, the bees and eternal damnation:

Jed’s been trolling college campuses for decades now. He was once a wild and crazy ol’ polecat himself, but Jed found Jesus while on acid in a commune in Morocco. Seriously. A few years ago, Jed had a crazy-time throwdown with former UO professor and noted psychotic Deb Frisch.

A sneak preview of our possible upcoming issue of “The Comic Pravda.”

Look what popped into the Commentator inbox today:

Were coming back this saturday!! Another concert in support of OSPIRG…11AM…same place as before…This is us calling out all the big talking students behind their computer screens, including ring leader CJ Ciaramella(that started the whole online blog battle by saying we were “Eugene’s crappiest metal band), all the people that said our fans were fat single mothers, anyone that was involved in the whole battle we went through last time we did this, anyone that made comments on my orange shorts, and my white pasty skin complexion?, that said we were eugene’s crappiest metal band and then back-peddled and said we were still better than 95% of the bands in Eugene, all the people that threatened us behind their computer screens, its on, lets battle global warming!!!

Just keep in mind, we never threatened anyone, we are just a happy heavy metal band, that has a severe dislike for uneducated public opinions, why don’t you come out and see for yourself?

The Athiarchists
athiarchist@gmail.com

Oh noes, we’ve been “called out!” Not only that, but we’ve been called out so much that “it’s on.” I’m not sure what this means, though. Pistol duel at ten paces? Scowly face contest? Furthermore, I’m not sure how calling The Athiarchists crappy is “threatening,” and I’m pretty sure I was in front of my computer screen. Oh, but I digress. My reply letter to The Athiarchists is after the jump. (more…)

A few months ago, I wrote about the publication of a comic book version of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital. Not to be upstaged by the Japanese, Red China is planning to stage Das Kapital: The Opera:

Normally disdained by revolutionaries as a bourgeois art form, the show’s producers insist that in the confident, modern-day People’s Republic, opera is a novel way to explain the proletariat’s triumph in the class struggle.

[…]

Mr He, who is best known for a stage adaptation of a martial-arts spoof, plans to open the production in Shanghai next year, and will borrow elements from Broadway musicals and Las Vegas shows. There will, however, be no trivialisation of the book’s core messages: an economist from a local university has been asked to ensure that it remains intellectually respecful of Marxist doctrine. [emphasis added]

Marx + opera + Jackie Chan? This could be worth seeing.

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“One dead in pie factory explosion“

Via The Agitator, if “ringing the doorbell” wasn’t enough for you (see the “Spew” section of the “Dark Night Train of the Soul” issue of the Commentator), you can now listen to noted wordsmith Bill O’Reilly read his acclaimed novel “Those Who Tresspass.” In the audiobook version, you can hear Mr. O’Reilly utter such timeless prose as “[s]ay baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up” and “[c]unnilingus involves the lips and tongue”.

Once you finish dry-heaving and clean the blood off of your forehead after you get done smashing it against the wall, you can move on to listening to President Barack Obama read from his audiobook. “That guy ain’t shit. Sorry ass motherfucker” and “[y]ou ain’t my bitch, nigga” are sure to go down in history along with Reagan’s “Tear Down This Wall” speech and Washington’s farewell address.

Recently, I was able to go to the first University of Oregon baseball home game. Let me say that already PK Park is one of the best looking stadiums in college baseball. Sadly, there is no beer garden in place yet, but $2 hotdogs and a sweet view of Autzen make up for it with atmosphere.

The student section is small but seats will always be available at home games. Even though they are temporary stands they are really close along the left field sideline and allow students to get up close when heckling opposing players.

If you want to become a fan, I highly suggest smooth hitting shortstop KC Serna, a Eugene native and first Duck to hit a home run at PK Park. Other notable players are Antony Kreitz and our Ace and future pro, Tyler Anderson.

I must admit one thing pissed me off about PK Park, though. After I caught a foul ball during the game, my first foul ball after hundreds of baseball games, stadium personnel then hunted me down and made me return the ball.

‘Cause why not?