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Archive for the 'Jeebus' Category

Nation Tries to Bring Sexy Back; Epic Fail

July 17th, 2008 by CJ Ciaramella

In case you didn’t find Norman Solomon whining about the media erotic enough, The Nation (AKA “The Never-ending Block of Grey Text”) has just started a sex column titled “Carnal Knowledge.” Written by JoAnn Wypijewski, the column “will explore sex as desire, as work, as play, as the screen against which America projects its fantasies and fears.” Why, that almost sounds interesting! I wonder what the first column, “The Shadow of His Smile“, is about?

In politics as in pop, legions of little girls jumping out of their panties can’t be wrong. That’s the vital lesson so far of Election ’08. I watched a throng of them in November 2006, teenagers in their short skirts and breathlessness, jumping and jittering, hands to cheeks, screaming for Barack Obama.

Sigh. For reals? I can’t say I’m surprised. Just disappointed. But wait, it gets worse. So much worse:

Those girls represented what they always have in America, a cultural longing. By ’07 even the boys were Obama Girls, and their parents were borne along on the energy, feeling young and hip and a little damp in the drawers themselves […] Like someone ground down by years in a bad relationship, America needed a seduction and, then, like the starlet on the crooner’s arm, the reflected shine.

Wow, projecting much? The column also compares Obama to Frank Sinatra, compares and contrasts his libido with JFK’s and opines on the significance of his “mingled blood.” See if you can read the whole thing without plugging your eyes out. Hat tip to Wonkette.

P.S. “Wypijewski” sounds like it should be the name of one of the sweathogs on Welcome Back, Kotter.

Eugene Men Sweep 800 Final, Threaten Jesus

July 1st, 2008 by CJ Ciaramella

It was a big day for Eugene at the Olympic Trials yesterday. In the men’s 800 final, Nick Symmonds of the Oregon Track Club, Andrew Wheating of Oregon and Christian Smith, also of the Oregon Track Club, took first, second and third, respectively. The crowd at Hayward Field went absolutely nuts, even those watching the jumbotron in the Eugene ’08 festival area.

The race, probably the most memorable of the Trials, has received write-ups in both the Chicago-Tribune and The New York Times. Sports Illustrated columnist Tim Layden profiles Wheating and his meteoric rise, making some not-so-subtle allusions to a certain mustachioed Oregon runner of yore. For the most comprehensive coverage of the race head over to

Symmonds and Wheating both stayed in the back of the pack until the homestretch, as is their wont, before burning the rest of the field with their trademark kicks. Both were somewhat of underdogs going into the finals, which led to some live-blogging foot-in-mouth over at the Eugene Weekly blog. “It’d be a miracle if both of them go to Beijing,” EW writer Chuck Adams wrote at 8:21 p.m. This was followed at 8:28 by “Holy Fuck. Wheating and Symmonds are going to Beijing.”

Smith’s third-place finish was perhaps the most dramatic. He literally dove face-first over the finish line and into the track, beating Khadevis Robinson by six-hundredths of a second. Robinson filed a protest, claiming Smith had grabbed him as he fell. The protest was denied. For his part, Smith can’t even really remember if he grabbed Robinson or not, which led to a rather odd quote. From

“We both fell and I was hoping anyone was there, if Jesus would’ve been there I would’ve grabbed him.”

However, the Tribune story has a slightly different quote from Smith:

“I was so lactated I couldn’t see. I was hoping Jesus was out there so I could have grabbed him, too.”

In any case, watch your back, Big J. There’s a lactating Olympic athlete after you.

Chuck Heston Dies, Government Considers Taking His Guns

April 6th, 2008 by Niedermeyer

Charlton Heston is dead today at 84. Due to the nature of Alzheimers disease, the obit writers have had plenty of time to choose their words carefully when giving the great actor and longtime NRA president his due propers.  “Ultimate Movie Star,” says the WaPo, “An Epic Life” purrs ABC News, “Larger Than Life” cries MSNBC in a frenzy.  Even Michael Moore put Chucks photo on his website. Hell, even Al Jazeera called the guy an “All American Hero,”  although this may not have been meant as a compliment.  Of course, the last thing Chuck needed was another compliment. “I have played three presidents, three saints and two geniuses,” said Heston once. “If that doesn’t create an ego problem, nothing does.”

Heston’s courage in politics matched his heroic onscreen personae, standing up for the second amendment in its least popular hours. Although demonized by the left for his service to the NRA, Heston was one of the first Hollywood actors to march for civil rights in the 1960’s. Ultimately, his greatest legacy is his films. From The Ten Commandments to Planet of The Apes, from A Touch of Evil to Soylent Green, his performances projected a sense of determination, presence and heroism which will likely never be matched.

And He Came Unto Them

March 17th, 2008 by de lancie

I got a call today while working in the ASUO from a member of the Barack Obama campaign saying that Obama is planning on coming to Eugene on Friday, and they need to find a 10,000 plus occupant arena. I informed them that there would not be many students on campus at this time, at which point he responded, saying, “Yes, President Frohnmayer just informed me of that.” Of course you talked to the president of our university before little ol’ me. I don’t know if this is all for real. It might have been a hallucination caused by pulling an all-nighter in the library, taking too much aderall and the disillusionment caused by working in the ASUO. Maybe it was a premonition from God that the Messiah is coming. I will keep you posted.

Update: Word is 90% sure that Obama will be at Mac Court at 8:30pm on Friday March 21st! But this isn’t official. I am just trying to share my vision with the world. I hope no one is freaking out about this. 

Update 2: Just found a bit of confirmation for you all that my premonition about this might just in fact be true. KMTR commented on their website regarding the visit saying that is was for sure the he would in Portland on Friday and possibly Eugene.

Update 3: The Register Guard has confirmed that Obama will hold an event Friday at Mac Court. For the record, I scooped them all. It’s just too bad it’s Obama and not my man McCain.

Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien

February 26th, 2008 by CJ Ciaramella

Remember the mayor from Eastern Oregon who got in trouble for her saucy MySpace pics? Well, the citizens of the fair town of Arlington have recalled her by a narrow vote of 142-139. Ex-mayor Kontur-Gronquist says she has no plans to seek further office, but is she saddened by this whole hullabaloo? Hell no.

“I will be involved in the city and issues, of course,” she said. “You betcha. That is what I wanted to do in the first place. I regret nothing.”

That’s the spirit! Hey,  Eugene’s got a slot for mayor open this year (wink wink, nudge nudge).

P.S. Headline reference here.

Obama, Huckabee to field: “Suck my caucus”*

January 4th, 2008 by CJ Ciaramella

The results are in, and Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee have clinched first place in the Iowa Caucus. Both Obama and Huckabee are riding high thanks to some campaign trail assistance from helpful deities – Oprah and Jebus, respectively. No, seriously; check out these entrance poll numbers:

60 percent of voters said they consider themselves evangelical Christians. Huckabee is a Baptist minister. Far more than any other characteristic – 45 percent – Republicans said they are looking for a candidate who “shares my values.” Of those respondents, 44 percent said they were supporting Huckabee.

If by “shares my values” they mean “is a total douche,” then yeah, Huckabee’s the candidate of choice. (And here’s some more doucheness for good measure). Also, according to the entrance poll, Democratic women favored Obama over Clinton 35 percent to 30 percent – obviously the Oprah Effect in action. 

In other news, Hillary Clinton came in third place for the Democrats, meaning the apocalypse might not be as nigh as previously feared.

* Headline by Jake “keepin’ it classy” Speicher.

Dennis Dixon Played Despite ACL Tear

November 16th, 2007 by Ian


Dennis Dixon completely tore the ACL in his left knee in Oregon’s win over Arizona State on Nov. 3, and convinced Oregon’s coaches and doctors to let him try and play in the Arizona game last night. After leaving last night’s loss in the first quarter when the knee faltered again, Dixon will now have season-ending surgery, bringing his UO career to a close. That was the word on a conference call featuring UO coach Mike Bellotti and team physician Dr. Bob Crist this evening.

Dixon convinced the staff to keep the severity of his injury from the public and even his teammates. Doctors were encouraged by the lack of swelling in the knee after discovering the torn ACL in an MRI on Nov. 4, and Dixon was able to practice despite the injury. He was allowed to play last night with the understanding that he would be pulled from the game if he experienced further instability.

It takes a tremendous competitor to have the guts to even try and play through an injury like that. But to play so damn well? He had a 39 yard touchdown run on a torn ACL. My God.

I don’t really know what else to say… I just hope a man of his heart and ability can fully recover and find success at the next level (or, more likely, in baseball).

Press Release from Party Patrol

September 22nd, 2007 by Ossie

Press Release (more…)

NW on cutting edge of poop energy

September 7th, 2007 by Ossie

NW Natural is the first company to launch a program to trap methane gas from cow manure, leading the way in cutting down greenhouse gasses.

“Under the program, the company’s natural gas customers can pay extra, and the money would be used to help develop systems to trap methane gas from cow manure. The trapped gas could be converted to energy and reduce greenhouse gas emissions.”

There are an estimated 120,000 cows on Oregon’s 350 dairy farms producing roughly 14.4 million pounds of cow dung a day. The next step is to get the cows to stop farting.

To catch an undercover journalist

August 7th, 2007 by CJ Ciaramella

Ever wonder what happens when “hard-hitting, investigative journalism” goes bad?

Dateline reporter Michelle Madigan found that outfirsthand when she attempted to go undercover at Defcon, a computer hacker convention in Las Vegas. The convention, for obvious reasons, has very strict rules about filming and recording. That didn’t deter Madigan, who snuck in a concealed video camera, determined to find some nice, incriminating footage of hackers discussing their trade. Just to state the obvious: It’s always a good idea to try and go undercover in a convention hall full of people who are experts at finding information you don’t want them to have.

If this sounds a little sketchy, it’s par for the course for Dateline. The broadcast news program also runs the popular “To Catch a Predator” series, which entraps, humiliates and arrests pedophiles on national television. Not that I have a lot of sympathy for pedophiles, but as former OC editor Tyler Graf argued in the Daily Emerald, journalists should not be in the business of law enforcement.

Anyways, Madigan’s ruse was (surprise) short-lived. She did not know this, of course, until one of the convention directors approached the podium and announced a new contest called “spot the undercover reporter.” Madigan quickly vamoosed, followed by a large group of hackers who decided to play paparazzi. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet (a vast series of tubes, from what I understand), you can watch the whole thing on YouTube. I think if you look up “poetic justice” in the dictionary, this is what you find.

One point that bears noting is that Madigan was asked four timesif she was a journalist and denied it. Now, a lot of hardnose reporters will say that, like cops, they’re not obliged to announce their profession unless directly asked, but I’m willing to bet very few would advocate lying about it. It’s not just an ethical thing; you could get in some serious trouble if your cover is blown. Lucky for Madigan, she was only covering a bunch of pasty, computer geeks and not a mafia meeting, although I’m sure her MySpace profile and Flickr account are now clearing houses for tentacle porn.

For more of the broadcast media’s obsession with clandestine computer groups, you should educate yourself on the dangers of truly epic lulz.

Meth is coming for your kids!

July 31st, 2007 by CJ Ciaramella

Yesterday the Register Guard performed its required duty as an Oregon newspaper by printing another scary story on the so-called “meth epidemic.” How scary, you say? The front-page headline reads “New fear for parents: candy-flavored meth”.

That’s right, folks. Meth is coming for your kids in delicious fruit flavors. According to the article, the street name for flavored meth is “strawberry quick.” Hmm, why not “very berry crank” or “watermelon felon?” A police officer in the article claims the new fruity meth is an attempt by dealers to branch out. From the article:

He said drug traffickers want to attract younger customers, and to do so, have devised a “package and label” that will appeal to youths.

Yes, I can imagine the local meth barons holding a board meeting and deciding they needed to “reach a new demographic” and “expand their market share,” etc. Personally, I wouldn’t get worried until the meth dealers start doing movie tie-ins and children’s toys.

Ayn Rand’s ODE

July 2nd, 2007 by Tyler

Someone over at the the Ayn Rand Institute must be having fun trolling the the OP/Ed pages of the country’s college papers, and someone at the Emerald must be biting, because today’s paper featured not one but two letters from America’s favorite objectivist think tank. One’s about how it would be immoral not to invade Iran, the other is about stem cell research.

I’m a little surprised that the Ol’ Dirty published both of these. There is a name for the practice of low-rent advocacy organizations sending out mass LTEs to newspapers, but I don’t remember what it is called. Generally, when you see a letter or guest commentary from somewhere far away, and it isn’t in relation to a news story, it is because it was sent out en masse. I fell for this in rather embarrassing style when I was the Opinion Editor. (I received about eight or nine of these things over a period of a week.)

Still, if it weren’t for the tireless objectivist editors of the ODE, and their Randian overlords, we wouldn’t know that: “Retaliating against Iran doesn’t mean embarking on an Iraq-like crusade to bring its people the vote; instead, it means using military force to make the regime non-threatening-for the sake of defending American lives.”

I can’t wait until the next issue of the Emerald, when the Heritage Foundation will run two commentaries, an editorial and this cartoon.

Everyone Deals With 9/11 Differently…

May 19th, 2007 by Niedermeyer

Tim Russert does so by not honking his car horn. So how does he warn errant drivers? How did he come up with this unique form of tribute? Did he really have to demean himself by dropping this short stack of crapcakes on WaPo’s “On Faith: A Conversation On Religion With John Meacham and Sally Quinn?”

So many questions. (Hat Tip: Townhall)

More Falwell Fodder

May 16th, 2007 by Sho

Falwell Hustler Parody AdHere’s a link to the historic parody Campari ad featuring Jerry Falwell that appeared in Hustler magazine in 1983 and led to an important Supreme Court case five years later. The unanimous decision in favor of the magazine helped define free speech rights in regard to parodies of public figures, a form of humor that we here at the Commentator wholeheartedly embrace.

Also of interest is a statement released by Larry Flynt today in response to the news of Falwell’s death. Here’s an excerpt:

My mother always told me that no matter how much you dislike a person, when you meet them face to face you will find characteristics about them that you like. Jerry Falwell was a perfect example of that. I hated everything he stood for, but after meeting him in person, years after the trial, Jerry Falwell and I became good friends. He would visit me in California and we would debate together on college campuses. I always appreciated his sincerity even though I knew what he was selling and he knew what I was selling.

Graf Exposes Insurgent

May 16th, 2007 by Niedermeyer

Yeah, like nobody here knows that the Insurgent is a waste of money and effort. It’s an enjoyable read though, and Graf makes the case well. If only he had mentioned the nekkid boobies in the latest issue, we could have had O’Reilly back for a rerun. Meanwhile, over in the ODE comment section, Jethro Higgins has discovered that the Insurgent only does this stuff for the attention. Tune in next week, when Higgins realizes he’s been giving them exactly what they want: legitimation of the tactics of crying oppression, and of course, the attention. I swear to god, there must be something hallucinogenic in that grass pollen, because this campus goes insane every spring.