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Meth is coming for your kids!

Yesterday the Register Guard performed its required duty as an Oregon newspaper by printing another scary story on the so-called “meth epidemic.” How scary, you say? The front-page headline reads “New fear for parents: candy-flavored meth”.

That’s right, folks. Meth is coming for your kids in delicious fruit flavors. According to the article, the street name for flavored meth is “strawberry quick.” Hmm, why not “very berry crank” or “watermelon felon?” A police officer in the article claims the new fruity meth is an attempt by dealers to branch out. From the article:

He said drug traffickers want to attract younger customers, and to do so, have devised a “package and label” that will appeal to youths.

Yes, I can imagine the local meth barons holding a board meeting and deciding they needed to “reach a new demographic” and “expand their market share,” etc. Personally, I wouldn’t get worried until the meth dealers start doing movie tie-ins and children’s toys.

  1. Timothy says:

    I’m guessing because hippies write a lot of music.

  2. Sean says:

    Why are there so many, songs about rainbows, and what’s on the oooother side?

  3. Kermit is Green says:

    I can only see one reason for candy flavored meth, ” Hey kids want some candy?” Seriously, it exists and so does “cheese.” Guess what that stuff is wrapped in to make it go down easier. Almost all the property crime and theft in Lane county can be attributed to meth users trying to make a buck. Look around very carefully and you can see these people everywhere. I might call that a bit of a large scale problem. Unlike some other habitual drug abusers, meth heads have a much harder time hiding the symptoms of their problem for any period of time. I see these people walking all over the place. The other day I spotted one walking around Valley River Mall (Yes VRC not Gateway) with bolt cutters sticking out of his backpack. Hint he does not use those to cut bolts. Look for massive weight loss (skeletal and sunken features), twitchy and quick movements (depends on when they last used), the open weepy sores, chemical burns and three distinct moods based on last period of use (happy & chatty, depressed and frightened, angry and borderline murderous rage). Remember to put on your oxygen mask first then assist others. Kermit out.

  4. CJ Ciaramella says:

    Dammit, click on this one. Stupid photobucket ruining my virtual comedic timing …

  5. Jake says:

    “Bombay Pacifier”?

  6. Vincent. says:

    “Bacardi Breast Milk”?

  7. niedermeyer says:

    I was actually thinking an OC “Kiddy Booze” review in Back To The Booze would be both a fitting tribute to the local emergence of strawberry meth and a fantastic excuse to work on my forthcoming diabetic emergency. Not to mention getting a good old fashioned, Dan Atkinson-style adjective workout. I get dibs on tasting “Mikes Hard Soy Formula.”

  8. Sean says:

    Isn’t that Meth AM? Meth X-treme would have green food coloring.

  9. Vincent. says:

    I’m cooking up a batch of Meth X-Treme. Now with more caffiene, guarana, and bleach, for extra energy!

  10. Timothy says:

    No, I’m serious, this is the best thread on the blog in a while.

    I’m packaging my new Meth Limon as we speak. It’s like Bacardi Limon, but it’ll make you scratch your face off and vacuum the house.

  11. Vincent. says:

    Touche, sir. Touche.

  12. Sean says:

    Eat candy-flavored shit. And die.

  13. Vincent. says:

    Eat shit, Tim. And die.

  14. Timothy says:

    I fucking love you guys.

  15. niedermeyer says:

    Beats me, but let me know when you figure it out… I love making a buck. In fact, I now earn my beer money selling pop rocks ™ candy to 8 year olds. I tell them it’s “Strawberry Quick.” Kids are stupid.

  16. CJ Ciaramella says:

    Just another case of our consumer culture destroying everything unique and wonderful. First Christmas, now meth. What’s next?

  17. niedermeyer says:

    This is goofy. Next thing you know, some parents group is going to start suing “Big Meth” for it’s “Joe Bikethief” campaign aimed at the coveted 8-21 demographic.

    My problem with this is that it’s really gonna mess up the “Micro-cook” community in this part of the country. The southern Willamette valley is becoming famous for it’s terroir among micro-cooks who value the blue-green color and aftertaste of chlorine that is unique to meth cooked in this regions bathtubs. How am I supposed to snort a rail, and then commend the cook on “the sophisticated interplay of Mexican pseudoephedrine, Acetone and Red Phosphorous, crowned by a generous, lingering nosefeel of lithium and muriatic acid” when I really feel like somebody has just shoved Fruit Loop crumbs up my nose?

  18. Alex says:

    Yeah, check out this video from CNN, probably one of the R-G’s sources
    a similar story on says that this info was released by a DEA spokesperson.
    crazy druggies.

  19. Vincent. says:


    What scares me most is that, as a KWVA DJ, I’ve probably sat in the same chair and used the same microphone as that guy. I can’t stop washing my hands now 🙁

  20. CJ Ciaramella says:

    Vincent: I too have heard frog on KWVA. And lo, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Actually, it was a bunch of hippie kids sitting around bitching about Bush, and every now and then Frog would pipe up and say something barely comprehensible about Reagan.

    Meghann: I don’t know. Meth tastes like shit? I’m just here for the chuckles.

  21. Meghann says:

    CJ – As hilarious as your snarky comment is, what do you suggest is the real reason behind the “candy-flavored meth”?

  22. Vincent. says:

    None of this is as scary as the fact that I turned on KWVA on my way home the other night and fucking *FROG* was on there, offering his special brand of insightful political commentary.

    Frog, people. You know. The fat, wheezy guy who sells joke books on 13th St. He was on the radio. He was talking politics with some sycophantic college-aged douchebag who thought being in a riot would be “pretty cool”.

    It was like being trapped in the deepest, darkest, nightmarish hell all the way home. I couldn’t turn it off! I nearly ran my car head-on into a dump truck just to stop the horror.

    Frog. Was. On. The. Radio.

    He’s coming for your kids, people. He’s coming for you.

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