I know that we’ve all been very curious about Moss St. and all of the construction, so I decided to pull a Nancy Drew and figure out what was up to help feed the fires of wonder that all us young scholars have (pro tip: I had a little help), and I come back successful!

There’s good news and bad news, do you remember how there were apparently 311 parking spaces that were lost to the construction of the new residence hall? Neither do I, because I was a senior in high school when that was happening, but apparently it’s a thing, and the University is trying to replace those lost spots.

The good news is, the construction on Moss St. will help replace 94 of the lost 311 parking spots. Also, the University has created parking on Villard St. and has made a whole parking station called “Walnut Street Station.” Kinda catchy. More good news, the University has been working closely with Moss St. Children’s Center to make sure the new parking isn’t going to make it more dangerous for all those little tots running around.

The bad news? All of these parking projects have cost $3 million dollars. I guess that to such a powerful university, that undoubtedly has budgeted and planned for this, that isn’t really bad news. I’m just kinda broke right now and $3 mill would pay my tuition like a hundred and twenty times over.

Here is a sneak preview of the Sex Issue, (in stands this week!) several scintillating stories from our always-sexy staffers. Enjoy!

 

A couple years ago, through a strange turn of events, I found myself driving through rust-colored canyons, through miles of cracked white earth that practically mirrored the sun, half asleep yet wired.  It had been three days and 2,000 miles since my best friend and I started our rushed road trip from Florida to Portland.  We were exhausted after quenching our thirst across the South. After driving all night to make it to happy hour on Bourbon Street, then sleeping in the car, then drinking ever more, we barely arrived in Death Valley on two feet on that fateful November evening.

Thankfully we were greeted by my friends, employees in the park, who welcomed us with open arms and open beers.  In the cool black night we sat at a picnic table and lit a fire in the pit, passing around a fifth of Jaeger between cans of Coors, smoking Cali spliffs, staring at the stars and singing songs.  Eventually time became irrelevant, as did the volume of booze we consumed, when out there in the middle of the desert something strange happened.  Maybe there was a strange wind in the air, maybe I was delirious from being car-bound for days, maybe (definitely) I was really fucking drunk, when I realized my arms were wrapped dangerously tight around one of my dear male friends.  We decided to go swimming because, hey, who doesn’t love water, and in the desert it was still warm at 3am.  After trekking a mile in the dark to the hotel pool, we climbed over the chain-link fence and stripped to the swimsuits.  I had to wonder what I’d gotten myself into as I looked him over.  He is covered in tattoos of various sizes, but one in particular sticks out.  Picture the famous Michelangelo painting of God reaching out to Adam. Got it?  Now replace them with Beavis and Butthead.

Yup.  Dude has Beavis and Butthead tattooed on his rib cage. Such is his charm.  You gotta know him.

So we jumped in the pool, splashed around, and one thing led to another.  So there we were, hooking up in a hotel pool in the middle of the desert, when I grab the back of his neck, only to find his crowning feature.

A rat tail. Turned dread.  Complete with a bead.

Giggity!

-Farrah Thunderbolt

 

 

I was the slutty girl in high school!!!! My boyfriend brought a condom to school, so we thought we would take life by the ball sack and do the nasty (safely) in the bathroom. For some reason we decided on the boys bathroom… BIG MISTAKE! Boys’ bathrooms are way grosser than girls’ bathrooms and guys are not as afraid as girls to take big, audible shits. So, we got in the bathroom right, and we get in the fuckin handicapped stall (score) right, and we totally start doing it!!! He’s sitting on the toilet while I straddle him, my jeans and undies hanging off one leg, wearing a single orange converse. I’m trying not to make any chick noises when a guy busts in the stall next to us and starts taking a big ol’ doody. Now, I should have been turned off by this point, but teenagers are not people, and don’t have feelings, so I was down to finish getting my fuck on, and that I did. Nothing else really happened – the guy left the bathroom, I put my shoe back on, and my boyfriend and I gleefully walked out to join our friends at lunch break. Years later, I told my friend Brandon this story and he swears he was the infamous stall shitter, but I think he just wants attention.

Also, My boyfriend and I like to whack each other off while watching Fear Factor. Nothing like a good orgasm while Joe Rogan screams “Eat that shit!!! Eat that fucking shit Tiffany!!!”

-Trish McNipz

For those of you who don’t know–yet still for some reason care*–about the shockingly boring** catfight currently underway at the ASUO, we at the Commentator are here to give you a quick rundown.

– As we reported earlier this month, Senator Ben Rudin called out Senator Ben Bowman for a lack of “viewpoint neutrality” in regard to the funding of OSPIRG. That escalated to the filing of an official grievance on February 3rd where Rudin recommended that “In light of the viewpoint discrimination exercised in the OSPIRG vote in ACFC on January 31, I am requesting that the Constitution Court declare that vote invalid, issue an injunction against including OSPIRG in the final budget approved by ACFC, and allow OSPIRG to appeal its request to Senate.”

– On the 9th, Bowman responded to the accusations by claiming that Rudin did not cite any ASUO laws or the Green Tape Notebook in filing the grievance, according to the ODE.

– On the 10th, Rudin revised the grievance. As part of his new claim, he referred to ASUO protocol which states that Senators must abide by federal and state law, and a decision by the Supreme Court stating that viewpoint neutrality must be employed in cases where mandatory student fees are concerned.

– Bowman subsequently stated that viewpoint neutrality wasn’t a factor in his decision, because he was specifically interested in the organization’s worth to students (editor’s note: none), rather than the ideological positions they hold.

That is the standing of the issue leading up to this week’s Senate meeting. Hopefully something a bit more interesting will happen soon, possibly involving hair-pulling.

(In the same timeframe, Rudin filed an unrelated grievance against Ben Eckstein for failure to fill Senate Seat 13 within 30 days. Rudin withdrew this grievance on the 13th.)

*The Commentator is well aware that no such individual exists; the only people who care about the workings of the ASUO are ASUO Senators, and campus publications.

**Seriously, not even any jello fights or mud wrestling.

On November 21st last year, GoDucks.com unveiled the University of Oregon’s plans to “expand” the Casanova Center.

Because apparently, this shit doesn’t suffice:

Well, way over yonder and across the bridge, construction has indeed begun, among that pretentious little colony of sports complexes along the northern bank of the Willamette. And it’s turning out to be nice and underhanded. Just the way Oregon Athletics likes it.

Yesterday, The Ol’ Dirty Emerald confirmed that “expansion is under way, yet no University administrators or athletics officials know much about the project.” In fact, the ODE’s Sam Stites was denied his request for an on-site walk-though and interview.

That’s because it isn’t a University project.

Instead, the UO has leased out the land to a company called Phit LLC — which is actually Phil Knight, disguised as a building development group. What happens is this: “Phit” picks the contractor and the architecture firm, then erects this new Casanova Center. And when it’s all finished, the land will be given back to the UO as a gift.

We are sooooo sneaky!

According to the ODE, “Both Williford and Vice President for Finance and Administration Jamie Moffitt said they don’t know the cost of the project. According to the permit applications filed with the City of Eugene, the total value of the project came to $63.3 million. The site work alone — rerouting site utilities, demolition of portions of the Casanova Center, pathways and the relocating of the cooling tower — cost $1.75 million. With the expansion planned for adding an extra 130,000 square feet, the cost per square foot is $484.”

Despite the UO Athletic Department’s “lack of transparency” regarding the expansion, or what I really like to think of  as the UO Athletic Department’s “blissful, grateful, ignorance and submission” to the expansion, GoDucks.com is quite explicit in their description of the anticipated Casanova Center. The expansion will include:

1. “a new 25,000-square-foot weight room”

Because anything less than 25,000 square feet would have been, well, practical.

2. “an enhanced grass football practice field as well as the addition of two new synthetic turf practice fields – and a full-service dining facility”

Because practice makes perfect, and perfection requires on-site dining, of course.

3. “a lobby and reception area– which is expected to rise to a height of six floors at some points — that will celebrate the proud history of the Ducks’ football program, and will accentuate the achievements of past and present Oregon football coaches, individual players and teams.”

Oh thank God. Because honestly, if the UO is lacking in anything at all, it’s recognition for the football team. Am I right? AM I RIGHT though?

4.  “a centralized football operations center– the heart of the facility– will be cloaked in black metal and glass and will include nine dedicated football position meeting rooms, two (COUNT ‘EM, TWO) team video theaters, offense and defense strategy rooms as well as a larger conference suite for the entire coaching staff.”

Wait, hold on. The athletics department has a heart? And the heart of the athletics department is a football operations center? And this heart is cloaked in black metal and glass?

5. “Additional amenities that will include a players’ lounge, a recruiting center to host prospective student-athletes, dedicated areas to accommodate professional scouts, a media interview room as well as an advanced video editing and distribution center.”

Look, are you going to make me convince you of the necessity of these amenities ?

As for the aesthetics of the new Casanova Center, bitches get ready! This shit’s bein’ built by Zimmer Gunsul Frasca Architects (ZGF). Big surprise right? They’re the same guys who built the Jacqua!  I was reading this Portland Architecture blog,  and boy, get a load of this. The new building is going to be “a series of glass and metal boxes meant to evoke the nature of football itself.” What!

“The idea of the building  is about collective strength that comes from individuals,” Sandoval (ZGF Architects partner Gene Sandoval) said. “So it’s a series of stacked boxes, like Lego boxes, that make a form. We want to celebrate each piece and make it sing. In some ways that’s analogous to a team: they all have different positions, but it’s about making a congruent entity.”

The building will be clad in glass and metal, hoping to strike a balance between protection and openness. “The exterior envrolope takes on the notion of armor and pads, so it’s going to be a black suit of armor,” Sandoval added. “But it’s translucent armor. It’s glass. There is this sort of play between strength and accessibility. We’re formidable but open. All the ground floor is glass and all the meeting rooms. It’s about texturing and layering.”

I’m sorry, it seems I’m suddenly overcome with the pathos and the profundity of those statements. I’m at a loss for words.

Completion is targeted for Summer of 2013, but for the meantime, here are some painted renditions of the new center, from the future.

 

 

 

 

Basically, at the during the OSPIRG budget hearing last Tuesday Bowman said “I am in support of OSPIRG because I want to leave a better world.”

This showed what anyone who follows the ASUO already knows: Bowman has a big, fat hard one for the PIRG. He should’ve kept those inappropriate feelings to himself, because Rudin is now calling for the vote made last Tuesday to be considered invalid.

The decision will go through Con Court, and most likely nothing will happen, but hats off to you Rudin, we at the OC appreciate your gesture. Like that cup of lukewarm water that your one-night-stand left by the bed before they absconded into the night, it’s the thought that counts.

A state liquor inspector has resigned after allegations that he had sex with his wife and with a girlfriend in an office in the Hillsboro Police Department’s East Precinct. He also was accused of using a state account to buy gas for his personal car.

 Harry Hyun is one of the OLCC’s 40 sworn peace officers who “monitor activities and enforce rules at state-run liquor outlets and at bars licensed to sell hard drinks.”

 After a rough day of visiting bars to monitor their alcohol consumption, who wouldn’t want to finish it with a nice shag on top of the copy machine?

Hyun confessed “that he had brought his wife and girlfriend into his office and on several separate occasions he had engaged in sexual activity with them.”…  The visits to the office apparently had been going on over a period of two years before they were discovered.

 TWO FUCKING YEARS!!! Perhaps someone in the OLCC office knew about about Hyun’s desktop copulation but didn’t report it (more likely, they got to participate). Regardless, the OLCC doesn’t appear to effectively monitor how their employees spend their time or money.

It’s important to point out that “the internal investigation found no evidence of illegal misconduct.” It’s not actually illegal to have sex in a government office; it’s just bad PR. In the history of taxpayer-funded sexcapades, Hyun’s situation is one of many small-scale repeats of Bill Clinton’s blowjob-under-the-Oval-Office-desk scandal: it would have made a great story if he didn’t get caught.

Harry Hyun chose to resign as investigations of his office yielded more surprises:Investigators found state motor vehicle records on his desk that apparently were for personal use rather than official business… Hyun signed an agreement with the state to immediately repay $345 to the Oregon Liquor Control Commission for the gas.

Because Hyun violated self-evident ethical principles like stealing (read: because Hyun was caught and brought to the media’s attention), he “agreed never to seek work with the state again.” Thanks, Harry, we all feel better now. I’ll bet you $345 that he’ll find another government agency to screw around with.

 They might as well pat him on the head and say, “Okey-dokey, Harry, run along now and be a good boy!” Shouldn’t sworn peace officers be held to a higher standard? If any other citizen stole gas or siphoned state funds for personal use, they couldn’t just “pay it back and promise not to do it again.” Way to let your own folks off the hook, OLCC!

From the NYT via UO Matters, a recent survey of the college degrees earned by the notorious one-percenters gives some insight into the earning potential of your major. The highest earners were fairly predictable: pre-med, economics, biochemical science, and biology, but zoology can apparently get you the big bucks, and Art History and regular old History are surprisingly high on the list. The NYT just had to point out that journalism and mass media are a depressing 1,902 and 1,903, respectively, on the list, but hey, it’s still ahead of computer sciences.

Undergraduate Degree	Total	% Who Are 1 Percenters	Share of All 1 Percenters
Health and Medical Preparatory Programs	142,345	11.8%	0.9%
Economics	1,237,863	8.2%	5.4%
Biochemical Sciences	193,769	7.2%	0.7%
Zoology	159,935	6.9%	0.6%
Biology	1,864,666	6.7%	6.6%
International Relations	146,781	6.7%	0.5%
Political Science and Government	1,427,224	6.2%	4.7%
Physiology	98,181	6.0%	0.3%
Art History and Criticism	137,357	5.9%	0.4%
Chemistry	780,783	5.7%	2.4%
Molecular Biology	64,951	5.6%	0.2%
Area, Ethnic and Civilization Studies	184,906	5.2%	0.5%
Finance	1,071,812	4.8%	2.7%
History	1,351,368	4.7%	3.3%
Business Economics	108,146	4.6%	0.3%
Miscellaneous Psychology	61,257	4.3%	0.1%
Philosophy and Religious Studies	448,095	4.3%	1.0%
Microbiology	147,954	4.2%	0.3%
Chemical Engineering	347,959	4.1%	0.8%
Physics	346,455	4.1%	0.7%
Pharmacy, Pharmaceutical Sciences and Administration	334,016	3.9%	0.7%
Accounting	2,296,601	3.9%	4.7%
Mathematics	840,137	3.9%	1.7%
English Language and Literature	1,938,988	3.8%	3.8%
Miscellaneous Biology	52,895	3.7%	0.1%

It has come to our attention that the Oregon Daily Emerald, or as we prefer to call it, the Ol’ Dirty Emerald, plans to publish a story of allegations against us. At the time of writing, the story is unreleased, so though we have heard rumblings from sources in the Emerald newsroom, we don’t know the exact allegations it contains. By the time this statement is released, the Emerald may have already published the article and you may have already read it. In that case, you know more than us.

We have heard from sources inside the Emerald that this article will allege we used student money to pay for subscriptions to six horse pornography websites. This is false. One of those sites did not include any images of horses, only some images depicting mules.

It is said that “an EMU janitor” discovered two staffers after hours in the Commentator office watching equine pornography with their pants around their ankles. That is an inaccurate characterization of the number of staffers involved and their state of undress, and to say that we then threatened “the janitor” at “knifepoint” is irresponsible and false. The correct terminology is “custodian” and no member of the Commentator staff owns or possesses a bladed weapon bigger than a dirk or shuriken, with the exception of the publisher emeritus, who was in Florence on the night of the alleged incident.

Anyway, our purpose in exploring horse porn was clearly journalistic. Unfortunately, the relevant staff e-mails that would support our case and exonerate us have mysteriously disappeared from the internet — possibly deleted by an Emerald staffer vindictively and cynically trying to quash evidence that would jeopardize a juicy scandal piece, all though there is no concrete reason to believe that is the case. If they still existed, they would show that the use of these sites was part of a large and potentially groundbreaking expose we were planning to publish on equine erotica and the abuses that surround it. It seemed like the piece wouldn’t be complete if we didn’t watch some of the porn in question while naked, to put ourselves, as do so many users of equine porn, at the mercy of whatever desires our flesh might furnish us, indeed allow it to arouse us.

The results of our research, however, were inconclusive and we couldn’t go forward with the story. Those are the breaks sometimes; it is the nature of the journalistic beast. Really it shouldn’t surprise anyone that an institution as seemingly committed to sloppy, lazy, halfhearted “reporting” as the Emerald should want to target those who display the brand of robust, full-bodied journalistic rigor we did in pursuing this story.

One more thing — the e-mails only went to the Women’s Center by accident. One OC staffer, whom the Emerald story names in the shame-the-victim tradition of Emerald reporting, sent a link to a photo from chicks-sucking-off-horses.com to an address he thought was his editor’s. It was accompanied by a message that might have looked lewd and even threatening if viewed by an outsider, but was a perfectly innocent inside joke in the context in question.

But it wasn’t the right e-mail address at all! The staffer who sent it suffers from dyslexia and his condition led him to pick the wrong address from his contacts list. Instead, it was delivered to a member of the Women’s Center staff who had happened to have an angry run-in with the staffer earlier that day.

His intended recipient was seated across the room from the sender. After he told her to check her inbox, she informed him she hadn’t received the e-mail. He told her he would get her the e-mail and clicked “send” again, repeatedly, but each time he felt compelled to revise the original message and it became increasingly insistent, graphic and threatening (mirroring his frustration with what he thought was a computer error).

This continued for several hours. He was so focused on what he was doing that he sender failed to notice several very agitated messages from the Women’s Center.

It is unfortunate that, just before the police arrived at the OC office, the staffer sending the message spilled hot coffee on his lap, obliging him to remove his pants and underwear in an effort to avoid severe burns. His editor then left the office to preserve his modesty while he worked on making sure the e-mail got through. She also took his pants, underwear, and the coffee mug home with her to wash. This is why the police discovered no evidence to support his side of the story.

It should go without saying that he has learned a profound lesson about fate.

There is just one more thing we need to tackle. We spent $2,000 of student money printing and photocopying horse porn. Of course we did.

There’s no excuse for that. There doesn’t need to be. It was the right thing to do. Uptight, prudish ASUO types will undoubtedly try to remove our funding over this, but let’s just ask you this: Didn’t you just know we were doing this all along? Would you really have been in favor of supporting a Commentator that didn’t take your money and use it to mass-produce images of sexual intercourse between people and horses in the most inefficient and time-consuming way possible?

We thought not.

Last night Prez Beckstein attempted to transfer a reported $40,516 from the Exec budget to the Sustainability Center, setting a dangerous precedent of favoritism among programs and allowing the ASUO Exec to, in the words of Senator Lange, “pick and choose who to bring up through the ranks while ignoring the process.” The lovely Lyzi Diamond first called it back in October 2010.

Ex-Commie and ASUO legend in the making Emily Schiola explains it all in the ODE:

The ASUO Executive’s request to transfer money from their budget to the budget of the Sustainability Center sparked a discussion of process last night at the ASUO Senate meeting and ultimately brought a failed vote.

According to certain members of the Programs Finance Committee, the center has a questionable past.

In September 2008, the ASUO Internship Class being taught by the Oregon Student Association’s campus coordinator chose to instead hire a Graduate Teaching Fellow to teach the class under the directive of then-ASUO President Sam Dotters-Katz.

In 2010, Emma Kallaway decided to eliminate the GTF position and give the class back to the OSA. She then allocated the money that was previously used for the GTF to the coordinator of the center.

Since the center was not yet a program, they had to be given money from the Executive’s budget.

Now the center is officially a program, and ASUO President Ben Eckstein is requesting to move budget money into the center’s own budget so it will no longer be placed in the Executive Budget.

What appeared to be a simple act of housekeeping quickly turned into a question of process. Many senators showed concern that the Sustainability Center wasn’t created through the proper channels.

Sen. Kaitlyn Lange was concerned that this program was only created because they used their friends in the Executive to bypass the system.

“I feel like the Exec can pick and choose who to bring up through the ranks while ignoring the (Programs Finance Committee) process,” she said.

Her feelings were echoed by Sen. Benjamin Rudin.

“It isn’t fair that programs can jump the queue,” he said. “(Executive) is making winners and losers.”

While some senators saw this as an excuse to keep the Executive more accountable, others viewed is a straightforward money transfer.

“How does voting no on this put a stop to things like this in the future?” Sen. Ben Bowmanasked. “The Sustainability Center has been a success, and it wouldn’t be here today if that hadn’t happened.”

Lange countered by arguing if the money is transferred and never discussed again, the way the center was created might be overlooked and could happen again.

A wary-looking Eckstein again made the point that this transfer would make it so transferring the money is a way to match up what is being spent on the center.

The tension in the room mounted, and the Senate became increasingly divided when a vote was finally called, deciding not to transfer the money at this time.

 

We’ll have to wait until next Wednesday to see if the transfer passes the senate.