Or as waterproof.

Some of you may remember the water damage caused to the Jacqua Center’s custom wood flooring as a result of a faulty drinking fountain. Well, the ODE reports that the numbers are finally in: $121,647 for repairs, to be covered by a state insurance policy. However, like you learned that time you crashed your mom’s concerto into Mrs. Roberts’ rose bushes after a bit too much Milwakuee’s Best, utilizing one’s insurance usually comes with at least one unfortunate fee. That fancy wooden floor is no exception, and according to the Ol’ Dirty, no one knows yet who’s going to pay for that:

The athletic department has assured that, while maintenance costs will be covered by the academic budget, the costs for these repairs will be completely covered by an insurance claim.

However, according to the University’s department of risk management, the University will be charged fees by the insurance company after the repairs are made. The department that will pay for this is not yet certain.

It will be interesting to see how this develops. And by “interesting” I mean, “boring until the record shows that the Jock Box is being paid for with academic funds, at which point we get to say we told you so.”

As reported by the Ol’ Dirty, OSPIRG is looking for a 97 percent increase in funding, upping their budget to a whopping $150,000. What have they done to deserve this? Nothing so far. But the majority of the Senate and their Finance Committee are OSPIRG supporters, so poor decisions will most likely abound.

The Commentator will keep you updated as the stupidity unfolds.

The State Board of Higher Education has increased Summer tuition rates for all Oregon State universities, meaning a 7.5 percent increase for UO.

“We’re telling students all the time work hard, get an education, but we’re also putting an increase in financial burden on the shoulders of students to fund their own education,” Beckstein told KEZI, “It’s getting unmanageable, unpredictable, and unaffordable.”

Alliterated, and true.

An Oregon University System spokesman rationalized that this increase simply aligned summer rates with academic year rates.

Whatevs, no one cares about student debt anyways.

On December 30th, The Oregonian reported that a Portland couple was arrested for selling heroin with their four kids in the car. Quite the scandal, obviously. The county/police/U.S. attorney are all up in a fuss, though I don’t know why, (kids love heroin) and the assistant to the U.S. attorney, Leah Bolstad decided to eloquently and poignantly verbalize what the major issue is, “They’re selling a product that kills people in this community.”

HOLD THE PHONE.

Is she trying to tell me that heroin kills people?! Now this, this is news. I am so glad she made that observation, otherwise I would probably still be sprinkling the sweet opiate on my morning cereal.

Bolstad also noted that the couple is currently receiving $1,100 from the state in food stamps per month, despite the $84,249 in drug money that was found in their apartment. I only have two questions in response to this, 1. How does one get into selling heroin? If I had $84,000 I could quit my job at The Nile….If any of you devoted readers happen to “know a guy,” tell him to contact me. 2. In the event that I can’t break into the heroin biz, how does one get food stamps?! $1,100 dollars a month could buy so many Totinos Party Pizzas, and I would even have money left over to stock up on Arnold Palmer. Can you buy Four Loko with food stamps?? Again, important questions, contact me if you have the answers.

Don’t worry though, we still live in America, so the kids have been seized and the couple is facing immigration holds.

If you can’t beat ‘em, deport ‘em!

UO is about to get a SHEEN of it’s own, and no, it’s not Charlie. (Did it!)

Ex-ASUO President and wild-land firefighter Sam Dotters-Katz has started a PAC (Political Action Committee, stupes): SHEEN, or Students for Higher Education Excellence Now. Actually, he started this back in November, but we’re just sobering up from Thanksgiving now.

SHEEN’s mission carries on the goals of our now-former President, aiming to create a “local governing board dedicated to improving UO” and a “new funding relationship with the state,” in the hopes of giving the University it’s own tuition stability “while also enhancing the quality of the academic experience.”

Though Dotters-Katz has been blogging for weeks now, today is SHEEN’s “Day of Action,” (also noted as Lariviere’s last day as UO Prez) which can be taken in two forms: Emailing or calling your representatives (no drunk dialing, D’Andrea) and the infinitely easier liking on Facebook.

This is the kind of tangible political action that the Oregon Commentator values over sign-waving and extended camping trips. Show some real Duck pride by taking 5 minutes of your day to support SHEEN, and remember that every time you tell a friend Richard Lariviere gets a new hat.

If you type “Ted Szal” into Google, you’ll find at least 4 pages of articles claiming that another “victim” of John Wayne Gacy (a serial killer from Chicago who murdered roughly 33 boys between 1972 and 1978) has been found in Beaverton (maybe more, I stopped looking). Ted Szal was never a victim of Gacy, he never eluded death, he isn’t Harry Potter and he didn’t defeat Voldemort. He probably never even crossed paths with Gacy.  He’s just a guy who left home in 1977 and never called his parents to check in, which isn’t even that crazy considering they didn’t have texting in the ’70s.

He apparently left parents and sisters and wife in Chicago after a routine disagreement. In The Oregonian he is quoted saying that growing up he felt like the ‘black sheep’ of his family. While his three pretty sisters were cheerleaders in school, he was more of a class clown. He wasn’t pretty, or a cheerleader, so he decided to flee Chicago for the Wild West. This isn’t very surprising to me, but his family saw this as shocking and after waiting almost 25 years, his sister Marcia called murder because he was a guy in Chicago at the same time Gacy was shoving kids into his crawl space. Marcia contacted the police department on October 18, 2011. A little slow on the draw, but whatever, it’s just her brother’s life.

The police department, possibly lacking in anything better to do, decided to support the insanity by running DNA tests on the victims of Gacy, and they concluded that Szal had not been brutally murdered. They ran a background check that lead them to Beaverton, Oregon, which for some reason wasn’t their first move.

I’ve never been to Chicago, but I can only assume it’s like the stone age there and they have yet to be connected to the series of tubes connecting every computer, because in The Oregonian Szal stated that with the advances of the internet, he thought his family would be able to find him, which I’m sure is true because you can find anything on the internet.

On the off chance that Szal didn’t exist on the Internet, it should also been noted that he left his car at the Chicago airport before he skipped town. In his interview with The Oregonian, he stated that he threw his keys in the sewer, so nobody else could’ve driven it away, and I might be dreaming too big here, but I’m sure that checking the license plate, or doing some police-y thing could’ve brought to attention that his car was left there. That probably doesn’t matter though, murder victims always leave their cars at airports before they are raped and slain, obviously.

Szal has just been living life for the last 25 years, living in various cities in Colorado and California, Springfield, and eventually Beaverton. He got re-married, has a job, and hasn’t been living under the radar in any respect. He just hasn’t called his family and they haven’t tried to call him.

I don’t know who to be more disappointed in, his family for lacking any common sense or computer skills, the police for supporting them, or our parents tax dollars for supporting all of this. In related news, apparently anyone can be a police officer, so I’m joining the force.

Oh, so four assholes camped out on City Councilor George Poling’s front yard all Sunday night in protest of Occupy Eugene’s recent eviction from the Washington-Jefferson Park.

The four Occupiers, whom one could be presume to be homeless since they apparently had no where better to be on Christmas than a Poling’s front yard, put a twist on the classic Ding-Dong-Ditch by repeatedly ringing his doorbell, then setting up four dingy tents in his front yard and yelling “This is what a police state looks like!” (No joke. Really, I can’t make shit like this up.)

The neighbs loved it, Al Reddig from across the street told the R-G, “This is the most excitement that’s happened here in 10 years. This is big for us.”

Poling himself was less phased, stating “I guess if I made a decision that somebody doesn’t like, I guess I’m subject to this type of protest. That’s part of the job. But it’s not going to change my mind about how I represent my people and my ward.”

The protestors were removed by police soon after they arrived, and we can only wait with baited breath to see where they occupy next! Will it be Kitty Piercy’s whimsical meditation garden? Pat Farr’s rustic aluminum fishing boat? The Oregon Commentator office? Bitches, I hope not, it smells in here already….

In an emergency City Council meeting last Tuesday, the City Council voted 5-2 to begin dismantling the Occupy Eugene camp immediately. The council was called by Mayor Piercy after an increase in assaults reported at the camp. The Occupiers are saying that they won’t go quietly, and Occupy spokesperson Jamil Jonna told the ODE, that the Eugene Police “are setting the stage for a very ugly conflict that can so easily be avoided.”

Was this an indirect result of this blog post? Yes, yes it was.

We all know that a winning team is good for enrollment, but it turns out that the same success is bad for the GPA. A study conducted by three of UO’s own, Professors Glen R. Waddell and Jason M. Lindo and GTF Issac D. Swensen compared undergraduate GPAs from 1997 to 2007 to the Duck’s percentage of football wins, finding that more games won correlated with a decline in grades. This effect was found to be greater for males than females, unsurprisingly. The authors attributed this to an increase in the frequency and intensity of tailgating and general daydreaming.

“I teach these students,” said Waddell to the New York Times, “And I know that on Thursdays there’s this subtle distraction in the classroom, and the game isn’t even until Saturday.”

Beckstein was refreshingly open, stating, “it’s consistent with the culture on campus and the culture at this university where a stronger emphasis is put on athletic success than on academic success.” Case in point: the Phil Knight Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good (And Who Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff, Too). Everyone knows that athletes learn best behind the security of a shallow moat!

“I would like to try and understand the factors involved to coming to that conclusion,” responded UO Athletic spokesman Dave Williford, “Statistics can prove anything. But that’s my personal opinion and not necessarily the university’s.”

He then allegedly crushed an empty Gameday against his forehead, screaming “GO DUCKS!”

NASA has discovered a black hole with a “heartbeat.” This is the smallest black hole ever found, and according to Zeenews.com:

The “heartbeat” pattern is caused by the regular cycles of matter accumulated into the black hole from its neighbouring star.

“Just as the heart rate of a mouse is faster than an elephant’s, the heartbeat signals from these black holes scales according to their masses,” said Diego Altamirano, an astrophysicist at the University of Amsterdam, who worked on the NASA project.

The heartbeat was referring to the intermittent X-ray bursts as gas is sucked from stars, forming a disc around the black hole, where it’s heated by friction to millions of degrees, hot enough to emit X-rays. Astronomers have named the new discovery – IGR J1091-3624.

Though it is only speculation, many experts believe that Chancellor Pernsteiner’s heart may in fact reside inside the tiny black hole.

…But not before wasting $300,000 of the city’s money. The Occupy Eugene camp underneath the Washington-Jefferson bridge has now become essentially a transient village, abandoning all the lofty demands of the several months ago to focus on the single issue of homelessness.

Last Wednesday the city council voted 5-3 to extend Occupy’s camping exemption to January 11 and spend up to $300,000 to pay for Occupy-related police expenses and fund several homeless initiatives, such as $100,000 earmarked for “wet-bed” facilities and warming centers similar to the Egan Warming Center. They were locked 4-4 until ol’ polecat Mayor Kitty Piercy cast the deciding vote. Councilors Farr, Clark, and Poling opposed the extension and funding on the grounds that “most of the funding would come from funds meant for parks maintenance, pothole repairs, and gang prevention efforts.” Also, the fact the city council continues to cater to the whims of a single group of questionable “activists” is embarrassing for everyone. (If it’s this easy to get exemptions and cash for whatever policies one desires, what is the OC waiting for? Occupy Rennie’s until all beer is free forever!)

Councilor Poling expressed his (and our) frustration at the voting outcome, telling the Register-Guard, “It’s time that we actually stepped up and did what we have to do to reclaim that park, reclaim the city and reclaim what we, as a council, should be doing, and not be guided by somebody else.”

The council did hold firm on the city mandate that outlaws fires in public parks, which the Occupiers requested in order to warm themselves during these bitter Eugene nights. Occupy organizer John Monroe accused the councilors of being “uncaring,” but a rational human could also accuse them of having “reasonable forethought” and being “park-fire-averse.”

The Occupiers themselves seem split on the ruling. KEZI reported that Occupy Eugene feels the city is “wasting money” on them, saying that the problem is the city council’s view that the camp is comprised mostly of homeless who need funding for a smooth transition out of the park and back to rustling around in your dumpster at 5 AM.

“This is not a homeless camp,” Occupier Alley Valkyrie told KEZI, “until they get themselves out of the mentality that this is a homeless camp, we’re just stuck in this lost-in-translation place,” backing this up with, “I am not homeless. I am at this camp.”

This stands in contrast to, well, all evidence, and the words of their own spokespeople. In a press conference this past Monday the speakers from Occupy emphasized that “the camp is home to hundreds of homeless people who are finding ways to sober up, catch up on sleep and contribute to the intentional community.” Sounds like UO students the morning after a post-finals celebratory binge.

The “official” Occupy Eugene website called the city council’s ruling a “milestone” to be celebrated, but were “disheartened” by the council’s decision to use some of the $300,000 to pay the police for their services. Right. It’s not like there have been 296 police calls to the park this year (as of December 11th) compared to 139 in 2010. That guy who almost got his fucking leg chopped off with an axe? Well, “everything that happens here, happens everywhere in society,” according to Occupy Eugene spokesperson Mike Elliot.

Yeah, we at the OC have totally been there, man.

As Jim West advised Dr. Arliss Loveless in the cinema classic Wild Wild West, “it’s time for you to stop all this foolishness.”

Occupy Eugene: you’ve made some waves, had some marches, and nearly chopped some legs. You have $100,000 for some nice, wet beds and new warming centers. Homelessness is not a problem that is ever going to be “solved,” at least not until our mental health and addiction treatment system is “fixed” (but no one gives a fuck about that, right?) Quit while you’re ahead.

And City Council, yeah, you: it’s a nice gesture to throw money at the problem, but the police costs are really just going straight down the toilet. Woman up, Piercy, and let the police clear out what used to be OUR CITY’S park. Once the police start making arrests and writing tickets the Occupiers will scatter faster than freshmen at a busted party.

As the Register-Guard observed:

A 22-year-old man who called himself “Skeeter” said he would leave the camp rather than risk a citation.

“How can I pay for a ticket? I don’t have any money,” he said, adding that he’d likely just leave Eugene.

Making the connections, yet?

Artist rendition of Occupier "Skeeter"

Only time will tell if, come January 11, the council holds firm in their decision to evict the camp. Until then, its up to Santa to take care of business:

So what should you expect?

1. Two or more live bands playing in each The Buzz and The Break.
2. Alcohol to be sold (not 100% whether this will be by local vendors or of the domestic variety).
3. A centralized place on campus to booze down!
4. Possibility of having the event be a regular occurrence.

Now, what I would like is to hear what suggestions I can pass up to the planning committee so they have solid input from the people who would be attending these events. Tell me your concerns, your complaints, what you would like to see, or anything else that could help turn these plans into a reality.

In both old, and bad, news: Natural Light “beer” has become the first beer in space. The people at Natural Light launched a can into the heavens on November 17, reportedly inspired by some assholes on Facebook. The can rocketed into the sky up to “90,000ft+” before returning to the Earth, playing a proverbial game of “Just the Tip” with our atmosphere.

What’s going to be shot up next? Who knows. Probably a fucking Kardashian. Hopefully someone has some cans of OG Four Loko stashed, that is the only thing that will make extraterrestrials run from Earth in fear.

Best part (2:26) “What up aliens? Where the party at, we brought the beer!”

Berdahl for $200 Alex.

Love letter from said interim:

Dear faculty, staff, and students:

I am pleased to report to you that the Oregon State Board of Higher Education has asked me to serve as the interim president of the University of Oregon and that I have accepted their invitation.  I do so with a mixture of excitement, sadness, determination, and gratitude.

I am excited to return to the UO, where I came as a young faculty member and spent important years of my intellectual growth in the presence of wonderful and stimulating colleagues, some of whom remain on the faculty or engaged in the ongoing life of the University.  Although the UO is a much different institution, and a substantially better university than I left twenty-five years ago, I still feel that I am truly coming home.

However, I am saddened by the circumstances that have led to my assuming this position.  I believe that the UO has made important progress on all fronts under the leadership of Richard Lariviere and I have made it clear that, whatever its reasons, I believe the Board of Higher Education made a serious and damaging mistake in terminating his presidency at the UO.

I am also moved by a determination to carry forward the important agenda President Lariviere has outlined for the campus: taking important steps toward the development of genuinely independent governing board for the campus, continuing to assure alumni and supporters of the University that investing in this institution will yield substantial dividends for the State of Oregon, and working with Oregon leaders to restructure and improve all levels of education for Oregonians.  I have said repeatedly that the quality of the University of Oregon is better recognized outside of Oregon than within it.  We must work to persuade Oregonians of the treasure they have in the UO and why it deserves their support.

Clearly, securing a highly qualified permanent president who shares our visions of innovation and academic distinction will be among the top priorities for my term as interim president.  The University’s next president will have unprecedented opportunities to work with other higher education leaders and Oregon lawmakers in setting an ambitious course for the future, expanding the UO’s impact throughout the state and the world.  I intend to assist in recruiting the next president in whatever way I can.

Finally, I am filled with gratitude to the faculty and staff for the confidence you have expressed in me.  It will be difficult to meet the high expectations you have set for me or to provide the quality of leadership provided by President Lariviere, but I commit to you that I will do my best.  I look forward to working with you all as we move forward together.

Sincerely,

Robert M. Berdahl

Email from President Lariviere:

Dear faculty, staff and students,

Words cannot convey all that I feel as my time as president comes to an end. It is an honor to be your colleague. In many ways, my job was as simple as holding a mirror to the institution — letting your great work speak for itself.

The outpouring of support you have shown has moved me deeply. You will continue to build on our momentum to make this university greater still. The leadership demonstrated on this campus these past few weeks gives me great optimism for that future.

Finally, please know how much Jan and I love this place. We have become part of you and part of this community, and you have become part of us.

From the bottom of my heart,

Richard

Here at the Commentator we will be using all of our available resources (which include a Sudsy suit and $3.28 in the couch cushions) to convince Lariviere to sing “So Long, Farewell.” Dear President Lariviere if you are reading this and would like to upload a video of you singing, please email the link to editor(at)oregoncommentator.com. And if you could get Assistant Vice President and Dean of Students Dr. Paul Shang to sing with you that would be all the better.

Ethical note: I’m bs-ing about the $3.28, who the hell is brave enough to search the Commentator couch? Lyzi, Lyzi, LaMichael, anyone?