On December 30th, The Oregonian reported that a Portland couple was arrested for selling heroin with their four kids in the car. Quite the scandal, obviously. The county/police/U.S. attorney are all up in a fuss, though I don’t know why, (kids love heroin) and the assistant to the U.S. attorney, Leah Bolstad decided to eloquently and poignantly verbalize what the major issue is, “They’re selling a product that kills people in this community.”

HOLD THE PHONE.

Is she trying to tell me that heroin kills people?! Now this, this is news. I am so glad she made that observation, otherwise I would probably still be sprinkling the sweet opiate on my morning cereal.

Bolstad also noted that the couple is currently receiving $1,100 from the state in food stamps per month, despite the $84,249 in drug money that was found in their apartment. I only have two questions in response to this, 1. How does one get into selling heroin? If I had $84,000 I could quit my job at The Nile….If any of you devoted readers happen to “know a guy,” tell him to contact me. 2. In the event that I can’t break into the heroin biz, how does one get food stamps?! $1,100 dollars a month could buy so many Totinos Party Pizzas, and I would even have money left over to stock up on Arnold Palmer. Can you buy Four Loko with food stamps?? Again, important questions, contact me if you have the answers.

Don’t worry though, we still live in America, so the kids have been seized and the couple is facing immigration holds.

If you can’t beat ‘em, deport ‘em!

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 5th, 2012 at 21:10 by Hailey and is filed under Miscellaneous. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.