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Sudsy Wants You to Join the Oregon Commentator

A statement

It has come to our attention that the Oregon Daily Emerald, or as we prefer to call it, the Ol’ Dirty Emerald, plans to publish a story of allegations against us. At the time of writing, the story is unreleased, so though we have heard rumblings from sources in the Emerald newsroom, we don’t know the exact allegations it contains. By the time this statement is released, the Emerald may have already published the article and you may have already read it. In that case, you know more than us.

We have heard from sources inside the Emerald that this article will allege we used student money to pay for subscriptions to six horse pornography websites. This is false. One of those sites did not include any images of horses, only some images depicting mules.

It is said that “an EMU janitor” discovered two staffers after hours in the Commentator office watching equine pornography with their pants around their ankles. That is an inaccurate characterization of the number of staffers involved and their state of undress, and to say that we then threatened “the janitor” at “knifepoint” is irresponsible and false. The correct terminology is “custodian” and no member of the Commentator staff owns or possesses a bladed weapon bigger than a dirk or shuriken, with the exception of the publisher emeritus, who was in Florence on the night of the alleged incident.

Anyway, our purpose in exploring horse porn was clearly journalistic. Unfortunately, the relevant staff e-mails that would support our case and exonerate us have mysteriously disappeared from the internet — possibly deleted by an Emerald staffer vindictively and cynically trying to quash evidence that would jeopardize a juicy scandal piece, all though there is no concrete reason to believe that is the case. If they still existed, they would show that the use of these sites was part of a large and potentially groundbreaking expose we were planning to publish on equine erotica and the abuses that surround it. It seemed like the piece wouldn’t be complete if we didn’t watch some of the porn in question while naked, to put ourselves, as do so many users of equine porn, at the mercy of whatever desires our flesh might furnish us, indeed allow it to arouse us.

The results of our research, however, were inconclusive and we couldn’t go forward with the story. Those are the breaks sometimes; it is the nature of the journalistic beast. Really it shouldn’t surprise anyone that an institution as seemingly committed to sloppy, lazy, halfhearted “reporting” as the Emerald should want to target those who display the brand of robust, full-bodied journalistic rigor we did in pursuing this story.

One more thing — the e-mails only went to the Women’s Center by accident. One OC staffer, whom the Emerald story names in the shame-the-victim tradition of Emerald reporting, sent a link to a photo from to an address he thought was his editor’s. It was accompanied by a message that might have looked lewd and even threatening if viewed by an outsider, but was a perfectly innocent inside joke in the context in question.

But it wasn’t the right e-mail address at all! The staffer who sent it suffers from dyslexia and his condition led him to pick the wrong address from his contacts list. Instead, it was delivered to a member of the Women’s Center staff who had happened to have an angry run-in with the staffer earlier that day.

His intended recipient was seated across the room from the sender. After he told her to check her inbox, she informed him she hadn’t received the e-mail. He told her he would get her the e-mail and clicked “send” again, repeatedly, but each time he felt compelled to revise the original message and it became increasingly insistent, graphic and threatening (mirroring his frustration with what he thought was a computer error).

This continued for several hours. He was so focused on what he was doing that he sender failed to notice several very agitated messages from the Women’s Center.

It is unfortunate that, just before the police arrived at the OC office, the staffer sending the message spilled hot coffee on his lap, obliging him to remove his pants and underwear in an effort to avoid severe burns. His editor then left the office to preserve his modesty while he worked on making sure the e-mail got through. She also took his pants, underwear, and the coffee mug home with her to wash. This is why the police discovered no evidence to support his side of the story.

It should go without saying that he has learned a profound lesson about fate.

There is just one more thing we need to tackle. We spent $2,000 of student money printing and photocopying horse porn. Of course we did.

There’s no excuse for that. There doesn’t need to be. It was the right thing to do. Uptight, prudish ASUO types will undoubtedly try to remove our funding over this, but let’s just ask you this: Didn’t you just know we were doing this all along? Would you really have been in favor of supporting a Commentator that didn’t take your money and use it to mass-produce images of sexual intercourse between people and horses in the most inefficient and time-consuming way possible?

We thought not.

  1. Sophie says:

    Honesty is the best policy

  2. Gsim says:

    From the bottom of my heart I hope this is all true.

  3. Gsim says:

    From the bottom of my heard I hope this is all true.

  4. Wait, what the hell is this about? Sophie, are you high?

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