Did your candidate lose? Did you fail a midterm? Throw yourself a pity party. Wrap yourself up in blankets and shut yourself away from the warmth of your family and friends, you freak. Why don’t you go watch yourself some reruns of LOST and convince yourself that your theories aren’t a waste of time. Hey, Christmas is coming up—why don’t you ask Santa for a new pillow to cry into? But fer fuck’s sake, put down that tub of “Chubby Hubby.”

If your self-loathing is truly complete you will stuff your disappointed face with ice-cream that tastes like an awful idea. Portland ice-cream cart Junior Ambassador’s wants a grant to make a full seven-course Thanksgiving dinner à la crème glacée.  Their proposed flavors include such abortions as waldorf salad, deviled eggs with bacon, and of course, turkey with yam and marshmallows.  But before the phrase, “Gag me with a spoon” takes on new literal merit, I want to address the best idea they proposed— “Pecan Pie and Ice cream Ice cream.” I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around the concept of ice cream tasting…wait for it… like ICE CREAM. Using reflexive properties in the culinary world is never, ever a bad idea.  I stand firmly behind Junior Ambassador in their quest to nauseate and (potentially) delight. But only to further science.

Just in case there was any debate as to whether or not Beaverton reigns supreme as the lamest town in Oregon, William J. Parent goes and gets his 19-year old fool-ass arrested for the pettiest fucking crime in history. On September 30^th, Parent was given 10 days jail time and an 18 month probation period after being charged with counts of second degree theft and burglary and “unlawful entry into a motor vehicle.”  His crime?  He stole a fishing pole and some boating rope from a garage and a pair rubber gloves from some asshole’s car.  Now Bill, let’s have some “heart of the matter” time.  There was a fishing pole in that garage, yeah?  And there was boating rope obviously.  With me so far?  Now.  DID YOU NOT SEE A FUCKING BOAT?!  THEY ARE VERY, VERY HARD TO MISS.  THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE BOATS, YOU DAFT BITCH. If you are going to indulge in burglary, GO BIG.   And the next time you break into a car, don’t go for rubber trash that cost less than a dollar.  At the very least take some RUSH cassette tapes.  Idiot.

What Parent said in defense is left to the imagination, but we at the Commentator speculate it was along the lines of, “Buhhhhhh,” followed by remarks of, “Derrrp,” and, “Aw c’mon!”  Remarks from the butt-hurt Beaverton neighbors who felt the need to press charges on the obviously retarded teenager (whose only wish was to go fishing) also remain undisclosed.  One can imagine however that they will bore the shit out of everyone they meet recalling the “most exciting event ever to occur in this Podunk suburb” while they sip Jamba Juices and wait in line at their tanning salon.

At tonight’s ASUO Senate meeting, President Rousseau announced that the ASUO is moving forward with a smoke-free campus policy. The Executive received an $800,000 grant to be spent over a number of years from PacificSource Health Plans as part of their Healthy Campus Initiative. The plan would be implemented over two years, starting with a “Great American Smoke Out” in November. The money from PacificSource will go to the hiring of three staff members, one full time and one part time, to deal with creating a healthy campus. Rousseau stated that a Tobacco Free Campus would be the primary issue those people will work on, specifically a promotion and education plan. Rousseau mentioned adding signage promoting a smoke-free campus and taking down the smoking stations, but there would be no enforcement of the policy other than peer pressure and a culture change. The idea is to educate new students that UO is a tobacco-free campus, so that is their expectation when they become students. Rousseau also mentioned that Oregon State University is implementing a policy in January, and she would love to do it first.

Other campuses in the country do this, including Arkansas and Kentucky. Should Oregon be added to that list? Comment it up, kids, I want to know what you think. Then I’ll tell you what I think (although I think you already know).

P.S. Smoke-in next week. More details with the next post.

So, in case this blog is your one and only news source (as it should be,) some Duke graduate took too many of her roommate’s Adderall and made a PowerPoint presentation detailing the sexual performance of every guy she fucked in college. It’s understandable, really, who hasn’t created an intricate digital record of their conquests, including bar graphs, photos, and a “Memorable Moments” quotes section?

Karen F. Owen’s only real mistake was emailing to her three best friends, who, as any Lifetime movie can attest, will take every chance to humiliate you on a national scale. The list went fully viral after the blogs Jezebel and Deadspin posted the full presentation, and it’s been getting attention from The Today Show and the New York Times.

Owen has pussed out, saying she regrets the list “with all my heart. I would never intentionally hurt the people that are mentioned on it.” This writer, however, sees this document as a valuable teaching tool, not only for the men on the list, but for the sexually inept everywhere. Subject 7 gives a lesson in neediness when he texts “…?” exactly every 13 minutes, and Subject 3 shows the importance of praise with his post-blowie high fives.

The subjects themselves are not too pleased with Owen’s report, no lawsuits have been filed yet but Deadspin had to redact the names of the subjects and blur faces after getting too many angry emails and phone calls, some from the subject’s parents. But every filthy cloud has a silver lining, within 12 hours of posting the story Jezebel received emails from William Morris Endeavor talent agency and HarperCollins, who called Owen’s the “female equivalent of Tucker Max, and I admire his sense of self-empowerment!” Obviously she hasn’t read the Tucker Tries Buttsex story. A movie producer contacted Deadspin for Owen’s email address, explaining his interest in the story by mentioning his last successful movies, “Friday” and “You Got Served.”

This is not the first time in American collegiate history that a fuck list has been concocted. In 1977, two MIT students, Roxanne Ritchie and Susan Gilbert, published their own “Consumer Guide to MIT Men” in an MIT alternative weekly. The guide rated 36 men on their sexual prowess, but, even at the height of the sexual revolution, the girls were nearly kicked out of the school and over 200 students signed a protest petition against the article. Given that at the time MIT was probably overwhelming male-populated, the ladies’ table-turning exercise was probably doomed from the start.

Personally, my favorite part of this whole debacle is the media’s decision to name it “the fuck list.” So many other choices were available, “penis presentation,” “jizz journal,” “dick diary,” but even the old media was unafraid to stand up and call a spade a spade, and for that I salute. Now if only they could be this honest about Christine O’Donnell (yes, she is a witch.)

The website NoSlang.com is devoted to decoding web slang for parents, which is something that should never, ever happen. It was started in 2005 as a way “to impress your kids by speaking their language,” made easy with their GoogleTranslate-esque Internet Slang Translator. You can paste any slang term into the box, press the button, and up comes the Baby Boomer-friendly translation. There are also separate boxes to check if you want the swear words censored, if the slang is in “l33t,” and one that says “include rejects?” which possibly means that it translates Jersey Shore-speak.
The site was created by Ryan Jones after “talking to his boss’s kids on AOL Instant Messenger and not being able to understand a damn thing they were typing.” Despite compiling his vast database of slang, Jone’s still seems ignorant to the times, referring to internet speak as “AOLbonics.”
Why he was talking to his boss’s kids online, we will never know, but it is certain that he is placing dangerous information into the hands of people who do not need to know that FMH means “Fuck Me Harder.”

Common Sexting Slang Terms

Warning: some of these terms are vulgar. This list is nowhere close to exhaustive, words can be combined, removed, and invented on the fly.

8	Oral Sex
143	I Love You
cu46	See You For Sex
DUM	Do You Masturbate?
GNOC	Get Naked On Cam
GYPO	Get Your Pants Off
GNRN	Get Naked right Now
FMH	Fuck Me Harder
IWS	I Want Sex
IIT	Is It Tight?
Q2C	Quick To Come
RUH	Are You Horny?
TDTM	Talk Dirty To Me
S2R	Send To Receive
NIFOC	Naked In Front Of Computer
SorG	Straight Or Gay?
JO	Jerk Off
PAW	Parents Are Watching
PIR	Parent In Room
POS	Parent Over Shoulder
YWS	You Want Sex
WYCM	Will You Call Me

Why can’t we just leave these horny kids alone? Life is hard enough as it is without your mom nosing around in your sexts, asking if you’re GNOCing with your friends.

I love it when it’s “everyday students” who start railing against the ASUO, and not those who are watching their every move.

As an addendum to Rockne’s post below, here is the video of Amélie’s convocation speech (this is the whole convocation, her speech starts at 12:30). It is, as Rockne professed, embarrassing, and incredibly disrespectful to those who allowed her the microphone in the first place.

There is a certain level of responsibility that goes with the title of ASUO President. When you speak in public, you are speaking on behalf of more than yourself and the little office you work in. You are speaking on behalf of every incidental fee-paying student at the University of Oregon.

This poses a considerable problem when you are charged with making a speech to introduce a batch of around 4,000 brand new students to the University. As ASUO President, you have not made any headway in trying to deduce how students feel about any particular issue — mostly because students are not informed about most things happening on campus. It is for this reason that most convocation speeches (at least in the last few years) by ASUO Presidents have been largely apolitical, for fear of misrepresenting student views and being disrespectful to students in the process.

It becomes much harder when you decide to throw all of your responsibility out the window and flat out lie to those sitting before you. Amélie’s description of the riot on September 25th — that the Eugene Police Department started taking action because of one person throwing one beer bottle at one cop car — is completely absurd. The crowd was asked to disperse because they were blocking traffic and being loud, and when they did not disperse, actions were taken. And then, in a stunning display of putting the cart before the horse, she goes on to talk about arming the Department of Public Safety. What? DPS was nowhere near the incident, as it was not in their jurisdiction, and the proposals for DPS do not include arming them — at least not at the moment.

Her criticisms of President Lariviere’s New Partnership proposal were just as absurd, if not more. I’m not even going to address this one, because you can all read the white paper and see for yourself just how misinformed she is. I wonder if she’s even read it yet.

The worst part about all of this is the 4,000 freshmen who believed every single word she said. I have encountered those people, and no matter how many letters run in the Ol’ Dirty Emerald, there is going to be a large group of people who believe what she says and continue to do so throughout the year.

If any University undergraduates are reading this, please do your part to get informed about issues on campus. Especially when it comes to the ASUO, titles are meaningless. Just because a president says it, doesn’t mean it’s always true.

Then again, just because a managing editor says it, doesn’t mean it’s always true either.

Lollipops, ice cream, and salt-water taffy have all recieved the herbal treatment at cannabis clubs around the nation, and now soda pop from Dixie Elixirs can take you higher as well.

The Colorado based company offers drinks in seven flavors, including sweet tea, root beer, and pink lemonade. According to their website, the carbonation “delivers relief faster” and are directed at medical marijuana users who wish to be more discreet in their weed conspumtion. The same company also offers 1 ounce “dew drop” bottles in watermelon or spearmint flavor, which I am assuming to be concentrated weed shots. Salud!

No dispensaries in Eugene carry the sodas, but they can be ordered offline, for prescription-holders only, of course.

OSPIRG is seeping its way back on to the UO Campus. A representative, whose name I missed but for whom this is apparently her first year at UO (coincidence?), made a pitch to my J 4/583 class this morning, delivering the usual OSPIRG story about how nationwide activism for “causes that you’re passionate about” is worth gobs of your money. When I asked her point blank about what manner of events OSPIRG wanted to hold on campus, I got a long explanation that basically amounted to (and I’m paraphrasing) “we’re going to collect signatures and recruit students to phone bank and write letters to President Obama to maintain the moratorium on new offshore oil drilling.” ODE Managing Editor Lauren Fox was insightful enough to ask if OSPIRG had supported one slate or another in the most recent ASUO elections, which the OSPIRG Rep. emphatically denied. Her denial was carefully crafted to obscure for the class the connections between OSPIRG and the current Executive, or that combination’s plans to re-fund the former. Her appearance was intended to be an exercise in interviewing, but the distribution of interest cards and voter registration materials made it seem something else entirely. On the bright side, she’s coming back next week for a follow up. This will be fun, then.

The first Ol’ Dirty of the year is out today, with a sexy new redesign and a ridiculous editorial titled, “Summer Senate deserves payment for work.”

Though the go-ahead was granted, the votes were so narrow, and the debate was it such a deadlock, that the senators decided not to file the paperwork to receive the stipend.

They figured it was in the best interest of the group to leave the money alone. They agreed to meet twice a month, unpaid, through the entire summer.

Though their decision was morally sound, it was very risky.

In the past, summer senates were not paid. Sen. Jeremy Blanchard said this lack of pay caused them to struggle to accomplish things.

…

The pay was, by no means, 11 senators asking for a raise, or demanding money for a new pair of shoes.

Rather, it was a way to pressure the summer senators to attend and do work worthy of students’ mandatory fee money.

Without payment, the resulting summer senate was clumsy at best.

“It went pretty quickly to a fail,” Lange said. Summer senate met quorum less half of the time.

Senators often left early, skipping out because of other summer time commitments. Some even ignored repeated texts and e-mails from other senators that questioned their whereabouts.

I would like to make a correction to the Editorial Board’s statement: The ASUO summer senate this year met quorum ZERO times. Because there were no official resignations from summer senate, every meeting was invalid. Oh, and when they did meet, they didn’t take minutes — at least I haven’t seen any. Last year’s summer senate at least had legitimate meetings, and — WOW — didn’t get paid.

Additionally, there’s this fancy document called the Stipend Model that most ASUO folks don’t understand and thus choose to ignore. This document outlines who gets stipends in great detail, from how much per month to how many months per year for each specific program. Senators would do well to look at documents that pertain to them, even if they’re difficult to read and understand. Stipend model outlines basic student senator stipends as $150/month for 9 months (Sept-May or Oct-June, depending), with NO money for the summer. These are things to keep in mind.

Finally, there’s this from the ASUO Constitution:

4.6 Conflict of interest prohibited. No member holding an elected position on the Student Senate, the ASUO Programs Finance Committee, the Athletics and Contracts Finance Committee, Department Finance Committee or the EMU Board may vote on the budget of any ASUO or EMU program in which they will be holding a paid position during the year the fiscal budget is in effect. This section shall be construed so as to prohibit conduct that creates the appearance of a conflict of interest, as well as an actual conflict of interest.

This would disallow the ASUO Senate from voting on anything having to do with their own budget — including summer stipends.

The end of the article is my favorite. Lots of LOLz to be sure, but this takes the cake:

This year’s summer senate was a poor showing, but it did manage to accomplish a couple goals; including establishing a table at Intermingle on Sept. 24 from 5 p.m. to midnight, approving various special requests, and creating a project committee designed to scout the campus for concerns and issues to be addressed fall term.

HOORAY, you got a table at Intermingle! Clearly we should be evading rules to pay you for all your hard work.

Just received this email via ASUO Multicultural Advocate Alexis White, via the infamous United States Student Association:

Currently the USSA Board of Directors is in violation of diversity guidelines. It is important that we respect these guidelines for reasons we all might or might not understand. The Board has not met the diversity guidelines stipulated in the Constitution, which require that 30% of the Board identify as openly queer. So there are opportunities for those that are interested in applying for the DREAMERS Caucus Chair or as a at large Board member.

This is very important and I am taking the diversity guidelines very seriously. When we set guidelines as a organization it is important that we all do our part to meet them. I have attached the documents via Google docs underneath. Please consider applying to the positions and/or forward to anyone you know that might be interested.

The question arises: does one need to identify directly with a specific group of people to advocate on their behalf? I have a good friend — a white friend — who recently started work with the NAACP. She advocates on behalf of a population she is NOT a part of and — SURPRISE — does a pretty damn good job. It is certainly possible for individuals outside a certain demographic to advocate for those in that demographic. Maybe this is why the ASUO has been without a Non-Traditional Student Advocate for so long. Maybe if the student government understood that traditional students can advocate on behalf of non-traditional students, the non-trads might be better off.

Additionally, where did the 30% figure come from? Why not 20%, or 10%, a figure closer to the general makeup of the out-and-queer population of the United States? It’s likely an arbitrary number that a few students in a room (traveling on the student dime) came up with and decided they needed to fulfill, to maintain a commitment to diversity, or something. Personally, I’d prefer competent students serving on USSA boards regardless of sexual orientation than limiting the open positions to a very specific demographic, thus creating a smaller pool of applicants and a likely less competent supply of board members. But that’s just me.

This brings up another good point. How gay do you have to be to be a member? Is there some sort of gay-o-meter? What if you make out with a girl at a party, does that count? Do you have to date your girlfriend/boyfriend for a specific amount of time in order to be considered? Oh, but I digress.

The United States Student Association (and also the Oregon Student Association) have long faced criticism from the Oregon Commentator for wasting student money on conferences so people can discuss various pieces of legislation and continue to “advocate for students.” Bigger pieces of that tasty financial pie go to board members. Why not open that up to all members of the student populace? Isn’t that the point of the United States Student Association, to advocate on behalf of all students? Then let all students apply to be on student boards, regardless of skin color / sexual orientation / breakfast food preference. Maybe USSA could ACTUALLY serve students instead of taking student money and hiding it away at a retreat site in Seattle.

UPDATE:

Dear USSA,

Please upload your governing documents in a format that has a file extension, so interested parties can open them.

Thanks,

Oregon Commentator

The Pac-10 has now officially changed its name to the Pac-12. Which I guess is news?

On Monday, February 15 a DPS officer responded to noise complaints and approached recorder player Misha Seymour, asking him to leave campus. Over the past three weeks or so, you might have seen Seymour on 13th Avenue or around the EMU playing a variety of music on his modest instrument. However, in light of recent noise complaints, his music will be heard no more as you stroll to class.

I always see people performing around 13th and University. Some play guitars, some sing songs, some even yell at the top of their lungs, “LTD can lick my sweaty, shaven nutsack!” I always admired the lively nature of random, voluntary performers, seeing them as an valuable addition to the University setting.

Seymour could sometimes be found around the EMU building, or even near the ASUO office. I can see how this might disturb some people. He probably would have been wiser in staying on the main sidewalks for the sake of not getting harassed or complained about. However, on the day he was asked to leave campus, he was standing on the sidewalk, innocently playing his recorder about twenty feet from the corner of 13th and University. There are no classrooms in the immediate area and, therefore, no reasonable cause for any noise complaint. It really is baffeling. That area is overflowing with the voices of students on their way class.

It’s not like he’s running up and down the hallways of Lillis, blowing off-key notes as loud as he can during classes and masturbating in the bathroom stalls. Misha Seymour should be able to play his recorder on the streets.

Because Sundays are slow. This week:

Self-deprecating trash can.

I found a new issue of the Comic Press today. I was going to make fun of it, but it’s kind of hard to make fun of a Xeroxed sheet of paper.

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