A sneak preview of our possible upcoming issue of “The Comic Pravda.”

Representative Linda Sanchez has an article over at the Huffington Post responding to criticism of her proposed bill, the Megan Meiers Cyberbullying Prevention Act. She starts off with this nice piece of obfuscation:

“If you were walking down the street and saw someone harassing a child, would you just walk by and look the other way? If that person was telling the child the world would be better off if they just killed themselves, would you ignore it?”

Well … no, but my response probably wouldn’t be to craft an overbroad, facially unconstitutional bill that targets far more than just “cyberbullying.” But then again, I’m not Rep. Sanchez. (For you critical thinkers out there, Sanchez’s rhetorical question is called a false dichotomy.)

Bonus points to Sanchez for including the phrase “so-called free speech” in her article. It really shows her true colors when it comes to the First Amendment.

Also, hat tip to Reason, where you can find a more thorough shellacking of Sanchez’ Maginot Line of an argument. Crossposted at Campus Magazine Online.

Yesterday the Oregon House of Reps narrowly passed HB 3122, also known as the “honest pint” bill, that would give state-issued stickers to bars that serve true 16-oz pints.

Seems like the state legislature could spend their time doing more important things, but at least you’ll know when you’re getting a honest-to-God pint. Of course, this would be moot if bars would just serve pints in mason jars, the way the good lord intended.

Money quote from a state rep:

“It’s a little past 10:30 here, but it’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” said Rep. Jules Bailey, D-Portland, in opening his pitch.

Dumbass comment award:

Now you won’t get ripped off when you drink until you turn gray, ruin your marriage, lose your job, drive drunk etc. I can think of a number of issues that elected officials could spin their wheels on rather than feeding addiction. What’s next, making sure you don’t get shorted buying meth? Now lets hear from all the alcoholics applauding this nonsense.

Clap, clap clap! Thanks to OC alum Ian Spencer for the tip.

Since all those other blogs have their fancy-pants “morning links” posts, I thought I’d get the jump on them and do some three in the morning links:

• Computer game developer 3D Realms has closed down, meaning Duke Nukem Forever is finally dead after 13 years in development. Play him off, Keyboard Cat.
• State Rep. Gene Whisnant wants to change the state song. Any suggestions?
• A bill just unanimously passed the state house that would require state colleges to allow people over 65 to audit classes for free. I propose the bill be named the Wilford Brimley Continuing Education Act.
• Eugene residents are trying to get the three-story tall “O” on the south side of Autzen taken down.

In contrast to the sunny, hot weather of yesteryear, 13th Street Market opened today on the receding side of almost a week of showers. I’m not particularly surprised, the market is a chance for freshman to eat something besides those disgusting cheesy (is it spelled with a Z?) grillers.

Musicians, vendors, and artisans all turned out to make a dime off students stomachs. Food, as always, dominated sales over crafts (evidently Philly Steak Sandwiches are forever.) Beyond the usual crowd of cooks and craftsmen, larger interests like AT&T and (everyone’s favorite)Stadium Park set up booths on the street.

There were a few new faces on the street, but the Fair was largely comprised of food vendors that operate at all kinds of different fairs. Cindy, the current owner of the popular, family-owned Philly Steak Sandwich shop, has been running the booth for the better part of 15 years after taking the business over from her friend. Philly steak sandwiches are fucking good. Notably absent was the taco booth, which sets up on weekends to serve drunk students so they can throw up on the bus. Maybe they should expand their business to sell beer and tacos during the day?

In other news, Dream Theater continues to fucking rule.

Food vendors filled up during lunch.

Students peruse posters. The classiest of wall decor.

I almost keeled over from apoplectic rage today when I picked up the Ol’ Dirty. The top story is a profile on Nathan Ruddick, AKA The Phantom – that douchebag who flies through campus on his longboard doing lame tricks and nearly running into people. You’ve all seen him – board shorts, headphones, a look of faux concentration as he powerslides in front of you.

I’m really glad that the ODE decided the most important news of the day was the twat who annoys the living hell out of everyone. Coincidentally, OC contributor Justin Hurst wrote an article about The Phantom for last year’s Hate Issue. Here’s a snippet:

I did not think I could hate this felcher any more. That was until I saw him ride up on the crowded sidewalk, where he decided to powerslide right in front of a group of fine looking females. This caused them to shriek and jump back to avoid being taken out by the tail of his board. Not only does this fuckass dance around like a retard, but he decides that an empty street isn’t good enough for him, so goes out of his way to showcase his useless talents by pissing a bunch of people off who are only trying to make it to class without some nugget skidding in their path. He uses people on campus as obstacles in his imaginary longboard course, and if that doesn’t make someone a dick, I’m not sure what does. If he truly wanted to impress anybody he would ride a fucking skateboard and do a kickflip like any reasonable person who wanted to perform tricks on a board.

Earlier today (well, yesterday) a suspicious bag was reported in Lawrence Hall by a stupid paranoid student, Junior Ben Reider. The ‘suspicious’ was a backpack padlocked to the bathroom stall by fellow student, Garret Soan Lon Len, for ‘safekeeping’.

DPS, EPD, and the Department of Homeland Security (DHS ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING?! WHAT?) responded to the call with bomb-sniffing dogs. In retrospect, it looks like an over reaction, but every false threat seems like an over reaction. Calling in DHS might be a bit much, but it’s that one time you under react to a real threat that it’s game over.

Turns out that there was nothing suspicious about the backpack…except for the fact that it was padlocked to a bathroom stall. Great going, Mr. Len, you really showed your mental prowess there in trying to keep your bag safe. Or were you just so damn lazy that you couldn’t carry it on, oh I don’t know, your BACK? Mr. Len is being charged with disorderly conduct, which holds a minimum fine of $255. I thought disorderly conduct was being a drunken douchebag bro and pushing people on the sidewalk in front of Taylor’s, but I guess leaving backpacks around constitutes a similar offense.

But it’s not all Mr. Len’s fault. How paranoid do you have to be, Mr. Reider, to automatically suspect that a backpack is a bomb? And just think for a moment, why the hell would anyone want to bomb Lawrence Hall? Well, maybe all the architects stuck there on Friday night in Studio…anyways, good job. You’ll forever be known as the College student who cried wolf. I think you should at least have the courtesy to offer to pay for half of the disorderly conduct fine.

The ODE has the rest of the story.

Senator Carolyn Tomei has introduced a new bill to the Oregon Senate Tuesday proposing  a law that would make cigarette butt littering illegal. The law is proposing a fine of $90 dollars and possibly 60 days of community service.

Opponents are calling it a waste of time, and I have to agree. Oregon is going through its worst unemployment rating in twenty years and a budget crisis that will lead to state agencies being cut by 20% .  It seems the Oregon government is more into pet projects than helping out our failing economy.

The back deck of Espresso Roma, a favorite haunt of UO riff-raff and one of the last true smoking dens in Eugene, is now a no-smoking area thanks to the city’s asinine smoking ordinance. (You may remember when the city fined the Horsehead Bar and Grill for its offending row of shrubbery.)

After walking out on the back deck and seeing the multitude of no smoking signs, I managed to get the story out of one of the employees through my rudimentary Spanish:

“Hey, guey, por que no fumar?”

“Porque la ciudad.”

“iPinche ciudad!”

While not attracting as many students as anticipated, the Bus Protest arranged by Dotters-Katz and ASUO Chief of Staff Andrew Plambleck successfully improved late night students reputations. Students rode the busses on Friday and Saturday nights wearing more sophisticated clothes to fight the stereotypes of rowdy drunken students. LTD Spokesman Andy Vebora agrees that students have been more conscious of their behavior since Brian Pasquali’s complaints, and that security reports have been better over the last month. View these students in their disruptive glory:

A bill sponsored by Rep. Linda Sanchez (D-California) has been proposed in the House of Representatives that would make “cyberbullying,” as it’s been coined, illegal.

The Megan Meier Cyberbullying Prevention Act, named after a 13 year-old girl who committed suicide after falling victim to a cruel Myspace prank, would make it a felony to transmit “in interstate or foreign commerce any communication, with the intent to coerce, intimidate, harass, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person, using electronic means to support severe, repeated, and hostile behavior.”

As is wont to happen when lawmakers grandstand on a current issue, the proposed bill is a legal train wreck – a half-baked piece of legislation that, if it weren’t almost guaranteed to be stricken down as unconstitutional, would be seriously dangerous to free speech.

For example, law professor Eugene Volokh can think of six examples off the top of his head where the bill would encroach on protected First Amendment speech. Under the proposed bill, perhaps even this blog post could be considered “cyberbullying.” Rep. Sanchez might find my calling her legislation “half-baked” and “a legal train wreck” emotionally distressing, and I could be prosecuted in federal court.

What’s startling to me about the bill, though, is the similarity in the language to many of the oppressive speech codes found at universities throughout the country. In particular, notice the part about “substantial emotional distress.” Just like so many confused university administrations, Rep. Sanchez seems to believe that it aught to be illegal to make someone feel bad.

The bill is essentially the uber-version of all those speech codes. It would, for all intents and purposes, make criticism of anyone illegal. Well, hey, at least we would all be living in the ”inclusive, respectful atmosphere” that universities try so hard (and sometimes illegally) to foster, right?

Look out:

EUGENE, Ore. — (May 1, 2009) — On Friday, May 1, a suspected case of H1N1 influenza was discovered in an elementary school-age child who attends the Moss Street Children’s Center on the University of Oregon campus.  The child has been home recovering from the illness since Monday evening, April 27, and has not been attending the after-school program for the past four days.  After extensive consultation with local Lane County Public Health and Oregon State Public Health, university officials announce that the Moss Street Children’s Center and two other childcare facilities (Vivian Olum Child Development Center and Co-op Family Center at Spencer View) on campus will remain open and fully operational at this time.  If circumstances change over the weekend, updates will be communicated by phone, email, websites and local media as appropriate.

In other news, children are dirty little harbingers of death and disease. Stay away from them.

As if Swine Flu, which will wipe out all life on earth, weren’t enough:

Today the University hosted not only Foreign Language & International Studies day but also hearings by the Ways and Means Committee to discuss budget cuts due to our outstanding deficit. The hearing today is the last of eight hearings held around Oregon. So we’re in the tank by about 4.4 billion, which amounts to something like 25 percent of our state budget.

The hearing has drawn out all kinds: professors, students, state employees, and citizens. Most prominent were representatives of Education, Public Safety, and Human Services. These groups packed both floors of the Lillis Auditorium, with the upper floor watching a live broadcast of the first floor. Geoff Sugerman, Communications Director for the Speaker’s Office, maintains a stoic outlook on issue. He noted that all areas will probably recieve cuts. In spite of this, he noted that the committee is looking to protect the most vulnerable citizens.

And in other news, the University also held the International Studies and Foreign Language day today. Highschools from across Oregon, and even one from Washington, descended on Campus for a fun day of discovering foreign culture [or just University Advertising]. As if there weren’t enough children on campus already.