Correction: Originally, this post called the Emerald’s columnist “Hannah Wendel.” Her name is actually JoAnna Wendel. I now feel vaguely senile.

Public affairs news:

• Handcuffs: It appears the City Council will soon give DPS the power to arrest people. (Emerald, KEZI)
• Masters and workmen: After failing to sell UO Graduate Teaching Fellows on their June offer of, essentially, nothing, the administration is seeing if increases in wages and benefits and an inclusive hiring process will do the trick. Undoubtedly, this is interrelated with Richard Lariviere’s increases in staff overtime, for which Gov. Ted Kulongoski scolded him, although the Emerald’s Stefan Verbano doesn’t explicitly make that connection. Once again, the Emerald’s Stefan Verbano scoops the Guard on an important UO story, although this one is far denser and more confusing than the masterful one he wrote about financial aid. For those keeping score, that’s three embarrassing defeats he’s meted out to the Guard already this year, and a run of two in as many stories. (Emerald)
• The opaque: UO Matters’ author is dying to hear what the Oregon University System discussed at its last meeting, and renews his crusade against OUS lawyer Ryan J. Hagemann’s studious refusal to release minutes of OUS meetings.
• Bedlam news: Faced with the prospect of “alcohol-fuelled bedlam” connected to Thursday night’s Oregon Football-Hated Bruins game, Eugene police are gearing up for an extra night of party patrols. A sample of the apocalyptic hellscape EPD anticipates: “‘I’m praying for bad weather, because that usually helps calm (the madness) down,’ (EPD Capt. Rich) Stronach said.” Note: Unlike the last Guard article on the subject, this one lacks any tips about how to avoid police if you happen to want to use alcohol to induce a bit of bedlam, beyond a sentence that appears to present the patrols as a punitive measure: “The extra patrols will continue until police see a marked decrease in disruptive after-hours activities on Friday and Saturday nights.”(Register-Guard)
• Dust-eating: The Guard is still catching up with Willamette Week on the Lariviere’s scolding story. (Register-Guard)
• ASUO money: So, if you thought the mayor of Eugene was too good to dirty herself with the ASUO, with trying to influence its agenda, you were stone dead wrong. Here she tries to persuade the ASUO to fund OSPIRG. (Emerald)
• The ether: The U.S. government is trying to pass legislation that would warn cellphone users before they get extra charges in their bills. Many UO students, though, are on their parents’ plans, and so don’t care. (Emerald)
• The slammer: The Emerald’s Ian Geronimo, perhaps with a somewhat cynical perception of what is important to UO students, meditates on the positions incumbent Floyd Prozanski and opponent Marilyn Kittelman’s hold on mandatory minimum sentencing. (Emerald)
• Charity: A $10 million anonymous gift for OHSU. (Oregonian)

Opinion:

• The Oregonian joins Kulongoski in scolding Lariviere.
• Newish Emerald columnist JoAnna Wendel* goes to a cadaver lab, disappointingly taking with her the perception that anything is “way too graphic to recount here.” This is especially disappointing because she does talk about “bisecting a penis.”
• Letters: The Guard’s mailbag is unexpectedly exciting today, as political candidate Jay Bozievich’s wife scolds the Guard and a letter-writer for criticizing her husband. Meanwhile, County Commissioner Bill Fleenor implicitly calls nearly every politician in the state a “jackass,” but doesn’t have the stones to name names, and frankly would be more authoritative if a political rival wasn’t taking him to court alleging he violated Oregon Public Meetings law.
• Editorials: The Guard‘s ed. board wants Barack Obama to cough up some timber payments and an improved rail connection for Coos Bay.
• Skating enthusiast John Boytz wants a new skate park.

Oregon Football is No. 1:

• Panim et circences: HULIQ’s Dave Masko decides to kill Oregon Football fans’ buzz by using the Ducks’ ranking as an excuse to talk about non-directly-related social issues or some junk. Read Satire X and “The Road to Wigan Pier,” which make the same, extremely valid, point more effectively in the sense that they are neither myopic nor intellectually dishonest, and written by two of the cleverest writers of all time. Do not waste your time with Masko and his anonymous UO student strawman.
• The Emerald’s Robert Husseman has a different take on the ontological question of football. He writes one of those lovely little pieces of which he is capable, reminding us that it is as arbitrary and cruel as life itself.
• The Emerald reports that Oregon Football is in a good mood.
• John Canzano wants Oregon Football to win it all so Chip Kelly can put two fingers up at the BCS.
• NBC’s John Tamanaha thinks Oregon Football could stay No. 1. ESPN’s Ted Miller thinks Oregon Football will be in the BCS championship. The team’s wide receivers coach says, unsurprisingly, that he likes Oregon Football’s attitude.

Other sports:

• Oregon Running-a-Very-Long-Way member Anne Kesselring seems like a fun person. I mean, I’m just saying, Anne, Robert Husseman knows my phone number.
• Oregon Sailing, which has refused to let the Commentator cover it, is doing well.

Public affairs news:

• Democracy questions: The Emerald’s Ian Geronimo interviews U.S. House candidates Peter DeFazio and Art Robinson, which is better on video. Money question: Ducks or Beavers? DeFazio: Ducks. Robinson: wild-eyed fidgeting. (Emerald)
• Handcuffs: There will be a hearing tonight on whether DPS should be able to arrest people. (KEZI)
• Weather: Global warming. The world haz it. It is a problem. Some people came to talk about it this weekend and a bunch of people went to see that happen.* (Emerald)
• Discharges: An environmental group has filed suit alleging that a Eugene company illegally dumps unfiltered water in the Willamette. The group says it represents people who “have been, are being, and will be adversely affected by defendant’s unpermitted discharges.” Jokes come cheap on that one. (Register-Guard)
• Honesty: The Oregonian catches U.S. Rep. Kurt Schrader in a lie about the Troubled Asset Relief Program.

Opinion:

• Emerald columnist Thomas Kyle-Milward presents an important biological query through a political allegory: ants and lions, why do they fight?
• I think the Emerald’s occasional scribbler Andrew Hitz is saying cigarettes can make you look cool.
• Editorials: The Emerald thinks the ASUO’s ad-hoc committees are a waste of time. Forest. Trees. Seeing one and not the other.
• Letters: People writing in to the Oregonian have things to say about UO tuition, namely “let’s have a class war.” The Guard’s inbox contains the usual suspicious praise for politicians, using phrases such as “as a physician” and “viable candidate.”
• Movies: Occasional Emerald scribbler Chris Lenci found it possible to describe the new Jackass movie with generically positive adjectives.

Scene:

• A new album by a band is okay! Yogurt? Local company haz it!

Sports:

• I don’t know if you know this, but Oregon Football is so good it doesn’t even have to play to be proclaimed officially the best thing ever for a whole week. The Register-Guard also writes about this. But the BCS standings are still disagreeing, presumably because they are no fun.
• Oregon Volleyball made the Hated Beavers look foolish. This was the last Civil War game ever at McArthur Court. Not swelling with pride? CARE MORE ABOUT SPORTS!
• Oregon Running-a-Very-Long-Way won, and got second, and got third, and won the team tournament, and just made every one of the hated rivals who decided they could out-run-a-very-long-way Oregon look somewhat foolish for trying.
• OREGON SOCCER UNABLE TO GET FIRST WIN IN LEAGUE!!!!! HATED BRUINS AND HATED TROJANS TAKE POINTS OFF DUCKS AT PAPE! DUCKS COME AWAY FROM HATED TROJANS GAME WITH POINT, STILL DISAPPOINTED!

Public affairs:

• He-said, he-said: UO President Richard Lariviere and Oregon University System Chancellor George Pernsteiner are not getting along so well right now. Willamette Week uncovers a pretty testy e-mail. UO Matters gives Lariviere the thumbs-up for doing so.
• Financial Aid: The UO’s financial aid office was crushed by an avalanche of financial aid applications this year, the Emerald reports. I must once again praise Emerald reporter Stefan Verbano. His article about the OUS budget was somewhat opaque, but this is the most flawless piece of journalism I’ve seen in the Emerald since Dave Frohnmayer was UO president. Just getting an interview with UO administrators is difficult if you work for the Emerald, never mind scooping the Guard on something like this.
• Forgotten mail: Someone forgot to mail a package, leaving it in a Chapman Hall classroom. A kerfuffle ensued.
• Having it both ways: Lariviere’s wife, Janis Lariviere, has given $600 to both Chris Dudley and John Kitzhaber, the Guard’s David Steves writes. Nike co-founder/UO sports benefactor Phil Knight has given Dudley $100,000 though.
• Rights: In Oregon, “the vacancy sign is out” for white supremacists, the state’s commissioner for labor and industry said at a ceremony marking Oregon’s first Civil Rights day Thursday, meaning either that the state is seeking new white supremacists or that the its social climate encourages white supremacy. Probably the latter.

Opinion:

• The Emerald’s Mark Costigan concludes a series on a woman the Argentine government disappeared in the 1970s, launching an attack on the U.S.’ Cold War policies his writing has earned. (Here is the first part).
• Periodic Emerald scribbler Bruce Poinsette opines on the tear-jerking repetitiveness of conferences on black issues.
• Letters: If you think windmills and solar panels are a good policy idea, you are stupid, one Eugene resident tells Emerald readers.

Sports:

• The Emerald’s Andy Drukarev pulls out some interesting stats and anecdotes on brain damage in college football, and questions the very foundations of college athletics, both at the UO and across the nation. UO Matters gives him the thumbs-up too.
• Oregon Cross-Country will be wearing pink at its next meet.
• Oregon Volleyball will take on the Hated Beavers this weekend, but the coaches think it might be best if the volleyball players didn’t get too worked up.
• Oregon Soccer GOES IN TO THE WEEKEND’S MUST-WIN GAME AGAINST THE HATED BRUINS KNOWING IT NEEDS TO BEAT A POWERFUL TEAM INCLUDING US NATIONAL TEAM PLAYER SYDNEY LEROUX WHO IS VERY GOOD!!!!!!

Public affairs news:

• Non-terrorism: Two late-breaking, not-terribly-descriptive articles about a ‘suspicious,’ but innocuous, package. (Daily Emerald, Register-Guard)
• Financial wheels a-movin’: Willamette Week reported yesterday that Gov. Ted Kulongoski and his minders have been studiously taking the measure of UO Pres. Richard Lariviere’s index finger with a view to finding just the right length of ribbon to tie around it. Lariviere’s name, it seems, has gotten connected to a few turkeys found at the Cratchit household this Christmas, or at least that’s the angle UO Matters takes on it. That is, he’s allowed UO employees to take overtime to compensate for state-mandated furlough days, in effect paying them more for less work. Probably not a tremendously favorable development for Lariviere’s restructuring plans.
• Musical chairs: UO Matters with a retrospective on Randy Geller’s career at UO to date.
• Drugs: Measure 74 supporters praise it for creating regulations. Opponents want you to think of the poor district attorneys. The Emerald’s Ian Geronimo wants you to know more. But you, internet reader, are deemed unworthy of the story’s impressive graphic element and man-on-the-street box.
• ASUO: The Emerald skims over the last ASUO Senate meeting. The Commentator slogs through it.
• Gongs: UO handed out three to community members today.
• Pulpits: A NASA official is coming to the UO to talk about global warming.
• Color news: The Emerald casts doubt on the verdure of other consumer products? (Emerald)
• Dept. of Catching a Falcon With a Teaspoon: The Oregonian decides that Oregon’s relatively high unemployment rate probably is David Wu’s fault to the extent he is a member of Congress, but there’s not really anything he could have done.
• Federal Politics and Bizarre Exchanges With Baristi: You see, Barack Obama, when you are a “woman or African American,” and  therefore seem to certain people as though you will take away their guns, this is what happens. (Oregonian)

Opinion:

• Eugene City Councilor-elect Pat Farr seems to believe people sitting around a school cafeteria is as exciting as “AND BEARD WITH AN ONSIDE KICK!!!! DID IT GO TEN YARDS? IT DID! THEY GOT IT! ON THE 46-YARD LINE, SO TRAILING 21-10 CHIP KELLY REACHES INTO HIS BAG OF TRICKS! I THINK THE KICKER ACTUALLY ENDED UP GETTING ON THE FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOKIT! WHAAAAA!!!!”
• The Emerald’s Tyree Harris opines that he just released an autobiographical hip-hop album, and wants you to know it’s real.
• Editorials: The Emerald wonders if perhaps we might not like to try not voting along party lines. The Guard’s editors want us voting for Bruce Hanna and talking to bigots. The Eugene Weekly has a spate of endorsements.
• Letters: The usual suspiciously effusive praise for public officials in the Register-Guard’s mailbag, while the Weekly’s has a lot of that, but also some more entertaining fare.

Scene:

• Music: Band comes to town, suggests it may “keep on rocking.”
• Cuisine: If there is to be a most vegan-friendly college in anglophone North America, then PETA’s hip, trendy younger sister organization declares that school will either be the University of Oregon or one of 79 other schools.
• Lifestyle: Ever wonder what an Emerald reporter thinks of local pumpkin patches? Ever wonder how an Emerald reporter thinks you should dress? Now’s your chance to find out.

Sports:

• Former Oregon Running player went to jail.
• One Oregon Volleyball player can serve the ball very hard, and is more important now that other notable Oregon Volleyball players have graduated. (Emerald)
• The Emerald’s Robert Husseman describes national polls as “the most arbitrary method of measurement possible” in ranking football teams. I would argue that the players’ median nipple diameter would be slightly more arbitrary. (For the record, the South Carolina Gamecocks would be No. 1. Don’t ask me how I know. Let’s just say it was traumatic.)
• The Emerald’s Lucas Clark argues that he doesn’t know what is going to happen to Oregon Basketball this season and runs the rule over a couple of new players. The first game against the Hated Beacons is coming up.

Public affairs news:

• Hey, it’s the last day to register to vote in Oregon during the coming midterm election. This can be done online here. The Democratic process — something everyone says you will totally regret not participating in if you don’t. In my experience, it’s a bit like the sex lives of the characters in Fast Times at Ridgemont High: Ultimately unsatisfying and filled with heartbreak and unintended, horrible consequences, but I’m fairly sure that’s just life. Also, Spicoli is totally involved. If you do it, the ASUO will totally be your friend (Oregon Daily Emerald, Register-Guard).
• The Oregon University System’s budget fell by about an eighth this year. Frances Dyke, the UO’s extremely popular VP for Finance and Administration, says this will not increase tuition this year, although no mention is made of what effect it will have next year. I have to give credit to the Dirty’s higher education reporter Stefan Verbano (Emerald article here). Maybe he and I are both missing something, but this seems like a pretty important story and he got to it before the Oregonian or the Guard, neither of which has written about it yet.  The only other coverage I could find came from Portland Business Journal. Stefan’s article itself is somewhat opaque, but it hits most of the right points, and it’s hard to be polished when you have two articles due on the same day as a student journalist. Also, he managed to interview Frances Dyke, which is the opposite of easy. I’ve known ex-Dirty higher-ed reporters who’ve never had the pleasure, even ones who still have no idea who she is.
• The Eugene Police have stepped up efforts to thwart partiers on weekends, and they are extremely busy. The Guard’s Ed Russo takes tentative steps in the direction of analyzing the causes of the Sept. 24 Large, Spontaneous Gathering of Young People Involving Vandalism and Tear Gas. He wonders about residential density. EPD officers blame texting. If you are a minor who wants to party on weekends, you can read this article with an eye to not getting in trouble with the police. (Register-Guard article here). Meanwhile, City Council member Alan Zelenka tries to sound like he’s scolding the UO for rowdy parties while simultaneously saying exactly what the UO wants him to say. (Register-Guard article here)
• Monday was National Coming Out Day. Events have been held, and will continue to be, by the campus community. (Oregon Daily Emerald)
• A Eugene couple remembers former UO biology student Linda Norgrove, recently killed by her erstwhile rescuers while being held captive in Afghanistan. (Register-Guard article here)
• The governor’s race is extremely close, and the Emerald’s Ian Geronimo, and many of his sources, wonder why there won’t be another debate and what the difference is between the two, something Rockne Roll asks in the forthcoming Commentator. For some reason, connected to an article I read too long ago to remember and can no longer find, I’m skeptical of the poll he cites, but that is what it is. (Oregon Daily Emerald)

Opinion:

• UOMatters is meditating on a Mississippi State athletic department that contributes to professorial salaries (unlike at, etc.) and the appearance of questions over the financing of Oregon athletics in Inside Higher Ed.
• New-ish Emerald Columnist JoAnn Wendel wants you to know she likes science and that pigs enjoy sex. (Oregon Daily Emerald)
• A UO senior gets into a self-righteous froth over pedestrians. (Oregon Daily Emerald)
• Eugene’s residents fill the Guard’s inbox with letters prepared by political campaigns and crazy paranoia. (Register-Guard)
• Presented with hard economic times, the Guard’s Bob Welch gorges on perspective like Homer Simpson at a buffet.
• The Guard’s editorial jockeys endorse Floyd Prozanski (“Bro”-zanski in his upside-down visor years) and Lee Beyer. (“He’s a public servant with a heart, and a family, of gold. His opponent is a cat-torturing ne’er-do-well who wants to eat your freedom dipped in ketchup. TERRORIST KETCHUP.”)

Sports:

• Today’s Ducks sports: Third day of Oregon Golf vs. the Hated World at “The Prestige” in Southern California.
• Oregon Golf seventh in the prestige in dizzying procession of numbers. (Oregon Daily Emerald)
• The Emerald’s Robert Husseman says the rest of Oregon Football’s season will be characterized by SO. MUCH. PRESSURE. (Oregon Daily Emerald)
• Maybe it’s good that Oregon Football gets a break from football after the game against the Hated Cougars. (Oregon Daily Emerald)
• Oregon Volleyball not exactly the Muhammad Ali of volleyball, but everyone seems optimistic anyway. (Oregon Daily Emerald)

The News (must have been a slow day):

• Ben Eckstein is the new ASUO chief of staff. I’m sure Lyzi will have things to say once production is complete on the magazine about this. Such as how, you know, ASUO President Amelie Rousseau — to be generous about it — appears to have blithely flaunted circumvented* ASUO rules for hiring people. My favorite thing about this article is the following, wonderfully opaque Rousseau quote: “It wasn’t necessarily choosing between (Eckstein and Hulen),” she said. “It was looking at the holistic picture.”
• Serious note: I know the outgoing Conrad Hulen from my time reporting on the ASUO and it’s depressing to learn he’s had a family tragedy so serious he can’t come back to school.
• There is also another ASUO story about an ASUO committee appointing people to officer positions. If I were a tree felled to have this news printed on paper made of me, I would be upset, despite the fact that, as a tree, I would have no emotions. That is to say, it stands out for its irrelevance.
• A guy rode a bike. A long way. For charity. Evidently Tijuana is not so bike-friendly, the rest of Baja California is a bit bland, and there’s not really much else to say about the rest of the Pacific coast of North America.

Opinion:

• The Emerald’s editorial board with a typically bland election-season argument: You should, you know, vote, even if politicians make your skin crawl. Boring. Much more interesting is the UO College Democrats president calling the president’s 2008 campaign “manipulative.” Many people are terrified to criticize the political party to which they profess allegiance, even if it’s true, so I laud her for doing so.
• Thomas Kyle-Milward opines that the UO has rescheduled graduation to Mondays to make more money and make things easier on faculty and staff, but at the expense of students.
• Slow news day supplemented by weird news column. The rubber-encased semen of Commonwealth Games athletes is a threat to India’s plumbing! Woman puts glue in eye by mistake, then visits hospital! Cocaine found in butt! Couple buys skeleton! Man doesn’t die in non-explosion!

Scene:

• Band of whom some have heard plants advertorial in Emerald! Other band throws party! Restaurant old and quirky!

Sports:

• In my opinion, this clip contains all the information you need to know about sports.
• Oregon Football won a gristly, ugly game.
• Two volleyball teams from Arizona played Oregon Volleyball this weekend, an exercise apparently geared to producing  unintelligible numbers, such as “hitting a woeful .036” (blood alcohol content?) and “19 kills” (rap sheet?) and lending support to the notion that nobody cares enough about volleyball to explain what the fuck they’re talking about.
• OREGON SOCCER LOSES IN FIVE-GOAL DERBY THRILLAH IN EUGENE! LATE BUCKLAND STUNNER SEALS WIN FOR DOMINANT BEAVS! DUCKS IN SECOND-HALF COMEBACK BUT CONCEDE LATE ON!
• Oregon Softball played Portland State in a match that evidently unfolded in banal succession of quotes and evaluations, followed by a dizzying and somewhat inscrutable series of declarative sentences in large paragraphs. Sunflower seeds were missed by all.

* I want to emphasize that this is not a barb. It is a correction. Thank you to Andrew for providing the relevant rule, which I seemingly couldn’t be bothered to seek. I acknowledge my mistake.

This was just posted on UO Matters under the headline “Every now and then”:

8/11/2010: there is a sign that UO is moving towards being a real institution for the public good, with decisions made in the open, on the basis of joint goals and a shared mission. We are still a long way off, but I think the direction is good.

Of what is this a propos? I certainly don’t have the answers. If you do, let us know.

Yesterday was Earth Day, this was celebrated on campus with a strong tabling effort in the EMU memorial quad. The Ol’Dirty decided to cover it with a front page picture of the events. Ironically the paper also includes a sixteen page housing guide, take that Mother Earth! Also yesterdays paper, which was distributed on Earth Day included the Scene section, a eight page insert in itself, which included such “Scene” worthy gems like “Each Picture’s Worth 1,000 hipsters.”

It didn’t seem like it could get any worse until I glanced at today’s Ol’Dirty featuring a front page article on KFC’s infamous Double Down Sandwich. Yes, the sandwich that substitutes fried or grilled chicken for buns is worthy of front page coverage in the ODE. The article even included a quote from  Jay Shaver, a manager at a Springfield KFC, calling sales “off the chain.” The article did not give a full review of the sandwich and chose to discuss the fat content of the sandwich. I am almost sure that the author of the news article did not even eat the Double Down. So here is a an actual review of the Double Down AKA Clogged Artery.

Some KFC executives had to have a meeting about this sandwich.

Last Thursday after a long morning of classes and homework I decided to go out with a friend and grab some lunch. After one quick joke of getting the Double Down we had already decided we were going to indulge in our carnivorous desires and try a bacon sandwich with fried chicken for buns. I ordered a Double Down meal and was soon enjoying the all mighty power of the sandwich. It was fried heaven. The buns were not exactly matched up right but I could have cared less as I took a bite after bite of pure cholesterol. The sandwich was a amazing pure and simple. The Double Down held the kind of beauty  that makes me wish  William Wordsworth was still alive to write a sonnet about it.

But then It was over and the food started fighting back. After consuming the meal I was immediately put into a food coma so strong I could barely get out of the car that drove me to KFC. While devouring the meat sandwich I forgot that I had an intramural soccer game in an hour. After a bitter struggle to get off the couch I got ready to play and headed out to the soccer fields. I felt fine for about 30 seconds into the game, then the Double Down started to gnarl at my insides. I do not think that KFC had in mind that some people would do strenuous physical activity after eating a sandwich with 540 calories.

Ten minutes later I was substituting myself out of the game in an effort to not pass out on the field. I spent the last minutes of the half trying to catch my breath and ease my stomach. By half time I could not take it anymore and lightly jogged to the water fountain for some refreshment . Before I could even get a sip of water the  Double Down was coming up. I projectile vomited the contents of my lunch behind some bushes next to the tennis courts. This caused the two women playing tennis right next to me to move over several courts.

The Double Down  should honestly have a warning from the Surgeons General on the packaging. It is the frenemy of sandwiches. If there is anything I learned from my KFC experience is that peoples should eat this sandwich at their own risk and that I need to chew more when I eat.

In the past two weeks, we’ve seen some pretty horrific things printed in the Emerald. It’s not that we weren’t aware of them–far from it. We were just too busy trying to get our papers finished, what with being students and all.

Of course, what we’re talking about here is the two gems printed on Mar. 2nd and Mar. 8th, respectively. Tyree Harris’ “Western perspective is not culture” was an article that did not have a high enough word count to fully address the issues concerned. Trying to make the plea that “white, western culture” was something that disconnected people of color, Harris inevitably made the mistake of being racist, “Caucasians can go their whole lives being ignorant of minority struggles and live happily ever after.” This was responded to in a letter by UO student David Delmar on Mar.5th:

“What is a “Caucasian perspective?” Is the author truly asserting that by virtue of a shared skin color, the University student born and raised in Oregon shares a common, inherent “perspective” with the University student born and raised in South Chicago? Is this not a racist assertion?”

Indeed, Delmar pointed out the logical fallacy in Harris’ argument–that he was himself grouping the experience of individuals by race. Oops.

Mohamed Jemmali’s guest commentary “Food, water should be free for all” was patently absurd, with Jemmali lending us insight into the world of farming, “With hydroponic technology, we can now grow anything with just water and electricity, and we do!”

Obviously privy to some kind of wizardry unknown to the general populace, Jemmali went on to explain that, “Like air, water, food and electricity can now be free.” The very next day, concerned citizen Nick Stachelrodt sent an e-mail to the Commentator (as did another graduate student) with the fitting subject line “Unicorns, sunshine and rainbows and shit” in response to Jemmali’s commentary.

“Now I’ve only done hundreds of hours of organic farming and I’m not terribly acquainted with hydroponic farming but I’m pretty sure it takes a little more than water and electricity (fuck it plants don’t need nutrients).

Also concerning his “every vegetable and fruit would become equally available everywhere” hypothesis, I’m pretty sure that there are these things called climates and these things called seasons which might require Mohamed to have to consult the great gaia and captain planet in order to fix.

He goes on to explain how water will be free via desalination (which is of course is a completely inexpensive uncomplicated process) and how electricity will be free (because those windmills maintain themselves).

So in short he is absolutely bat shit crazy which is fine in its own right, but the fact the the Emerald actually published this garbage is asinine.”

On Mar. 15th, UO Political Science undergraduate Ben Rudin took an economics-based approach to tearing down Jemmali’s commentary.

“If we force people to produce and serve food for nothing, have we made the cost of food any lower? No, we’ve merely shifted the buyers’ current share of the cost to the suppliers.

…

The very technology Jemmali refers to (desalination and hydroponic technology) was not developed due to generosity; it was developed due to the profit motive.”

Not only was Jemmali’s grasp of the science behind hydroponics at fault, so too was his basic understanding of its role in the free market economy (as a side note, it sounds like Mr. Rudin should turn in a staff application. I’ll be expecting it.)

My advice to the Emerald editorial staff? Say “no” a little more often.

Now that D’Andrea is a student again, can someone please save that place? Tomcat is only one man.

(Also, we scooped the Emerald. Twice.)

A few issues ago I wrote a “fake news story” about the Ol’ Dirty filling their news editor position with an orangutan named Pat. During a conversation with the Emerald‘s business manager Kathy Carbone, she complimented me on the story as well as asked me, “It’s funny, but can you just write that? Or is there some kind of rules against writing fake, ridiculous quotes?” I told Kathy that anyone who thinks a chimp getting hired at a school paper is real was not worth my time. We never received any complaints.

Unfortunately, the same can not be said for the Vancouver Voice, ran by former OC editor-in-chief Ossie Bladine. In a section titled “Not Real News” they ran a fake story about a local business considering implementing casino games for children as part of their business model. Just wait, it gets better.

Apparently a local citizen called the Washington State Gambling Commission and the business is now under investigation. Now, I can understand Ossie’s problem of readers’ lazy eyes — I have read links to this very blog (mostly from Tea Party people who hate me) saying that “there’s not even an author to this blog!” when clearly, my name is directly under the title.

What is more confusing, however, is how on Earth anyone could think that a news organization like the Voice would run a straight news story about a children’s gambling establishment with no commentary or editorial substance. Is the generation gap becoming so large that The Onion is becoming a dividing line?

This is not the first time this year the Voice has had such confusion over a clearly labeled and clearly satirical article. In their Jan. 21 issue, the Voice ran a story about The Columbian changing its name to The Fort Vancouver Tribune. Apparently this caused some mental anguish for their readers, and Ossie had to formulate a very obvious, simply-worded note for his slower readers that read, We’d like to state that this was not quite real news–as in, we made it up.” 

In any case Ossie said, “From an outsider’s view, this is pretty funny. But for Big Al’s, a locally owned business that works hard to keep a family friendly image, not so funny.” But Ossie’s wrong, isn’t he? It’s not funny.

It’s absolutely hilarious.

A new issue of the Oregon Quarterly is out, most notably with an article by Managing Editor Ross West about the Oregon Commentator’s By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator.

There’s some great quotes in there, and overall the article is pretty positive. You can check out the digital issue of the Oregon Quarterly here or pick it up in person at the Duckstore.

I should take this time to remind you that By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator is still only $10.

(We apologize for the delay for the posters. Proper Facebook clearance was needed.)

Looks like the ASUO Elections season is underway! Here’s some sweet posters!

Stumbled across this totally great interview between Oregon head coach Chip Kelly and the Oregonian’s John Canzano. The conversation is ridiculous, mostly because I can’t tell if Canzano is an idiot or if he’s just trying to squeeze some information out of Kelly that he doesn’t want to give out.

Around minute 1:15 Canzano raises a concern to Kelly about whether or not LaMichael James is receiving “star treatment” referencing Kiki Alonso’s year-long suspension after getting a DUII recently. Canzano points out that LaMichael was in jail for 2 days and he hasn’t received an equal amount of discipline.

Kelly responded to Canzano that “I believe my player” leading me to think that at some point, both Alonso and James have had conversations with Kelly. The result of those conversations, or so it seems by Kelly’s responses, is that Alonso may have admitted to Kelly that yes, he was at fault, and that James has told Kelly that he is innocent. Of course, this is merely speculation, as Canzano asked Kelly directly whether or not Kelly was implying that James was innocent. “I’m not commenting on a specific situation,” said Kelly.

Kelly got pissed at Canzano saying, “When this whole thing shakes out, when all the facts are out, you put me on the air again. And you apologize [to me].” The rest of the conversation is totally hilarious, with Kelly arguing semantics of his quotes with Canzano, and Canzano pushing Kelly to ban LaMichael James, “On my program!”

The situation is rapidly becoming more and more ridiculous. Of course, the question is and always will be, why are our football players — seemingly all at once — deciding to get themselves into trouble? Since the parties are innocent until proven guilty, I won’t make overly broad statements, but it should be pointed out that if you are in a situation where you are accused of something like DUII or putting your hands on a woman (or really, anyone), you need to seriously reconsider your direction in life. At the least, there should be some kind of serious oversight by the Athletic Department and our Administration.

There was a letter to the editor in Monday’s Emerald signed by members of the Climate Justice League (Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, Heart!) denouncing the ACFC’s recent decision not to fund OSPIRG. In part, the letter said:

“Although OSPIRG provided all of the materials and information the committee asked for, ACFC never clearly articulated a reason to not fund OSPIRG, except a vague sense of uncertainty.”

Of course, those who have read anything about the ACFC’s decision understand that the ACFC clearly outlined why they decided not to fund OSPIRG. Even more surprising is that many of the signers of the letter — including Sen. Jeremy Blanchard — attended the meeting and heard the ACFC’s reasons in person. A response was printed yesterday, signed by ASUO Senate President Nick Gower and Sen. Demic Tipitino (in addition to many others, including myself) that said:

“The problems with OSPIRG were clearly articulated, and they have been for years. OSPIRG sends student money off campus to pay non-students to lobby for issues that have little relation to the University of Oregon campus. Additionally, OSPIRG’s system is structured in a manner that partial funding would make the organization ineffective and an even greater waste of student dollars.”

Do the Planeteers need this outlined again? Let’s go “bulletpoints” on this one, shall we?

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