Probably not suited for Oregon weather methinks.

So I was going to do a post bout the Afghan soldier evacuation and the $500 million in planned aid to Pakistan. Then I saw this, a fan made video turned advertisement on Apple’s website touting another use for their titular iPad.

Ignoring the fact that the iPad is pretty much a glorified, expanded iPhone–a less sophisticated computer with a touch screen–this ad takes the cake in Apple consumer pretentiousness.

Effectively touting how you can use velcro to suspend an iPad anywhere in the home/car/work, the ad re-makes the wheel when you remember that it’s just as easy to prop the damn thing up without needing to place velcro all over the house.

The highlight of the video comes as a user places the gizmo on velcro placed on the wall. Not only would two black bars look fucking ugly on the wall when it’s not covered, but this idiot is using the iPad as a picture frame.

Let us compare:

Here’s the rundown of a picture frame

K-Mart 8×10 Picture Frame: $3.90

Photo Print: $2.50 (your milage may vary)

Hammer: $4

A goddamn nail: 10¢

Total: $10.50 and a little elbow grease.

And now iPad and Velcro

Adhesive Velcro: $3.90

Apple iPad: $300

Total: $304 and some ugly ass black stripe on the wall

I enjoy new technology, I really do. But the way this fucking trinket is hyped is goddamn deplorable. There’s nothing new or interesting to see, folks. Move along, move along.

We may have damaged livers, but not damaged hearts. In partnership with the American Red Cross the Oregon Commentator is proud to present SudSquatch. All proceeds for the event will be donated to the Haiti reconstruction effort and low income families in Eugene that have been affected by flood or fire damage.

It only cost five dollars to spend a lovely Friday afternoon jamming out to Indubious and Sea Bell on the EMU lawn.  You can even charge it to your student account!

Yesterday was Earth Day, this was celebrated on campus with a strong tabling effort in the EMU memorial quad. The Ol’Dirty decided to cover it with a front page picture of the events. Ironically the paper also includes a sixteen page housing guide, take that Mother Earth! Also yesterdays paper, which was distributed on Earth Day included the Scene section, a eight page insert in itself, which included such “Scene” worthy gems like “Each Picture’s Worth 1,000 hipsters.”

It didn’t seem like it could get any worse until I glanced at today’s Ol’Dirty featuring a front page article on KFC’s infamous Double Down Sandwich. Yes, the sandwich that substitutes fried or grilled chicken for buns is worthy of front page coverage in the ODE. The article even included a quote from  Jay Shaver, a manager at a Springfield KFC, calling sales “off the chain.” The article did not give a full review of the sandwich and chose to discuss the fat content of the sandwich. I am almost sure that the author of the news article did not even eat the Double Down. So here is a an actual review of the Double Down AKA Clogged Artery.

Some KFC executives had to have a meeting about this sandwich.

Last Thursday after a long morning of classes and homework I decided to go out with a friend and grab some lunch. After one quick joke of getting the Double Down we had already decided we were going to indulge in our carnivorous desires and try a bacon sandwich with fried chicken for buns. I ordered a Double Down meal and was soon enjoying the all mighty power of the sandwich. It was fried heaven. The buns were not exactly matched up right but I could have cared less as I took a bite after bite of pure cholesterol. The sandwich was a amazing pure and simple. The Double Down held the kind of beauty  that makes me wish  William Wordsworth was still alive to write a sonnet about it.

But then It was over and the food started fighting back. After consuming the meal I was immediately put into a food coma so strong I could barely get out of the car that drove me to KFC. While devouring the meat sandwich I forgot that I had an intramural soccer game in an hour. After a bitter struggle to get off the couch I got ready to play and headed out to the soccer fields. I felt fine for about 30 seconds into the game, then the Double Down started to gnarl at my insides. I do not think that KFC had in mind that some people would do strenuous physical activity after eating a sandwich with 540 calories.

Ten minutes later I was substituting myself out of the game in an effort to not pass out on the field. I spent the last minutes of the half trying to catch my breath and ease my stomach. By half time I could not take it anymore and lightly jogged to the water fountain for some refreshment . Before I could even get a sip of water the  Double Down was coming up. I projectile vomited the contents of my lunch behind some bushes next to the tennis courts. This caused the two women playing tennis right next to me to move over several courts.

The Double Down  should honestly have a warning from the Surgeons General on the packaging. It is the frenemy of sandwiches. If there is anything I learned from my KFC experience is that peoples should eat this sandwich at their own risk and that I need to chew more when I eat.

Trapped waist deep in mud with an ice-cold tide quickly rising, Kenny Phelps desperately cries out “Don’t leave me!” to his friend Miles O’Malley. Miles throws Kenny a tube of PVC and tells him to breath through it. The cold grey moon illuminates and casts a blue ambiance from the reflected water as Miles runs off-stage to find help. The house lights fade, and Kenny walks downstage, out of sight.

(more…)

Students in the EMU Monday afternoon were treated to a special surprise: Puddles conducted a walking tour of the building, high-fiving, hugging, and even getting a few numbers.

Rain or shine, Puddles makes time to visit students.

He made friendly chat with some students.

But got numbers from others…

…and even a kiss from Ballroom Dance Club member Britt McGinnis

Bored over this summer, the Oregon Commentator decided to have a little fun in preparation for a terrible, soul-crushing elections season. We decided that the most logical choice of action was to register the name “Student Insurgent” as a non-profit magazine in Lane county through the Oregon Secretary of State’s Corporation Division.

We’ve had it posted on craigslist in the barter section for quite some time, but have yet to receive any e-mails in response. We decided we’d put it here and get a little interest going.

As the ad says, we are open to trades or cash for the naming rights to a magazine called the “Student Insurgent” in Lane county.

What’s your best offer?

In a recent press release to the Elections Committee and general student body, Tony Mecum announced the creation of the Students for Responsible Government. SRG, according to Mecum, is “a watchdog group to monitor campaign promises and rules by creating awareness about this year’s student government elections.”

Mecum, who resigned today from the EMU board, declares that he is tired of the elections being a “giant circus show” and that “for too long have special interest groups poisoned the democratic free allocation process.” He plans to wage this ASUO war with “every constitutional power granted to free paying members of this association.” The group is “nothing short of excited” and has received support from leaders across campus, according to Mecum. SRG is looking forward to the coming weeks, and is already analyzing wire tips.

Well all I can say is that it’s hight time that the UO finally has a group to keep an eye on the ASUO. Despite their stunning effectiveness as a governing body, you never know when the ASUO might misallocate hundreds of thousands of dollars to some kind of shady lobbyist group, or potentially break constitutional law. It’s great that we have upstanding men people in our student body willing to speak out against these abuses. I can rest easy tonight knowing that though ASUO elections loom on the horizon, Mecum and his group “are committed to this cause. Justice will be served.”

May the ASUO fear this face.

Need something to do while putting off studying for upcoming finals? Well look no further, we have our latest issue online for all of you to read.

Inside:

• Draw-a-Dick winners
• Webstars!
• Bias in the Classroom
• Hate Speech Debate
• Campus Customer Service
• and much more

A new issue of the Oregon Quarterly is out, most notably with an article by Managing Editor Ross West about the Oregon Commentator’s By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator.

There’s some great quotes in there, and overall the article is pretty positive. You can check out the digital issue of the Oregon Quarterly here or pick it up in person at the Duckstore.

I should take this time to remind you that By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator is still only $10.

Download this picture and color in University of Oregon President Richard Lariviere. Submit your colorings/drawings via email to us at ocomment@uoregon.edu or upload it and submit it in the comments section. We have 2 weeks till our next issue comes out, so get in your submissions! First Place will be a Sudsy Tee, and the others will be mystery prizes!

On Monday, February 15 a DPS officer responded to noise complaints and approached recorder player Misha Seymour, asking him to leave campus. Over the past three weeks or so, you might have seen Seymour on 13th Avenue or around the EMU playing a variety of music on his modest instrument. However, in light of recent noise complaints, his music will be heard no more as you stroll to class.

I always see people performing around 13th and University. Some play guitars, some sing songs, some even yell at the top of their lungs, “LTD can lick my sweaty, shaven nutsack!” I always admired the lively nature of random, voluntary performers, seeing them as an valuable addition to the University setting.

Seymour could sometimes be found around the EMU building, or even near the ASUO office. I can see how this might disturb some people. He probably would have been wiser in staying on the main sidewalks for the sake of not getting harassed or complained about. However, on the day he was asked to leave campus, he was standing on the sidewalk, innocently playing his recorder about twenty feet from the corner of 13th and University. There are no classrooms in the immediate area and, therefore, no reasonable cause for any noise complaint. It really is baffeling. That area is overflowing with the voices of students on their way class.

It’s not like he’s running up and down the hallways of Lillis, blowing off-key notes as loud as he can during classes and masturbating in the bathroom stalls. Misha Seymour should be able to play his recorder on the streets.

I noticed this personal ad in the Emerald yesterday. It’s eerily similar to the one that appeared on our own back cover, and indeed to the one that I placed in the Emerald just last week.

I’m not sure who’s responsible for the ad (I haven’t asked the whole staff yet) but whoever is, I salute you.

We at the University of Oregon unfortunately do not have the day off, but if you would like to spend the day wasting time here are some presidential links to wet your whistle.

CNN’s Look into forgettable Presidents.

The top 43 sexiest Presidents according to Nerve.com.

CSM’s Look into the facts of President’s Day.

Teddy being a badass

Feel free to comment on your favorite or sexiest president below. I know there has to be some people that think Taft is sexy.

This flier was put in all the student programs’ mailboxes at the end of last week. Indeed, I’m sure some of you may have seen a girl in a big vagina costume walking around campus (someone saw it and told me they initially thought it was some kind of protest, which seems reasonable). Needless to say, the sight is rather odd. Especially when you consider that, by the looks of the drawing on the flier, the costume may be a tad under-contextualized. Some upturned legs or a tuft of hair at the top may do the trick next time.

The “Vaginagram” is a fundraising effort by the Women’s Center for a retreat they want to do. I’m glad to see programs are doing such fundraising (although I have to ask, what money paid for the suit? Also, where the fuck do you buy a big vagina suit?) but to be honest, I’m not so sure a singing vagina really makes that much sense. Who really connects the dots between a singing vagina and a valentine? Also, does the Men’s Center plan on following suit with a big, breakdancing cock?

These are questions I’d like answered. Preferably in song.

I highly recommend buying one of these for your friends. How often does an opportunity like this arise? It’s a no-brainer.