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Archive for the 'Humor' Category

HAHA- girls in the library shouldn’t have their boobs hanging out

March 14th, 2011 by Melissa Haskin

This guy had the best response to the aforementioned racist UCLA video

p.s. Thanks to the both of you (Wallace and the guy above) for giving us all something to laugh about during finals week.

Rough Draft Review with the OC!

March 7th, 2011 by Stephen Murphy

I took it upon myself to help one of our fellow publications get an A+ on their next Writing 121 assignment and doled out some advice, grammatical and otherwise:

I wish I had a red pen for this

I think I might have been too late, though. This one’s about a meeting about five weeks ago; he must have turned it in late.

Because I care about you

February 28th, 2011 by Melissa Haskin

Hey kids, this isn’t a good idea.


February 23rd, 2011 by Alex Tomchak Scott

“I applaud her for … questioning authority and holding power accountable,” Lariviere said.

This is a quote from Emerald reporter Stefan Verbano’s article today. And yeah, I think it is the same Lariviere who’s president of the University of Oregon. The one that hides behind the power of his office to avoid the accountability of face-to-face interviews.

Childish ASUO-related artwork anyone?

February 16th, 2011 by Sudsy

Here’s an anonymous submission. Also, note that the photo itself, the work of Emerald photo-editor Aaron Marineau (to whom congratulations on the promotion), is funny in its own right for the melodramatic longing in Charles Denson’s eyes. It’s even more effective in the context of the headline’s text and styling.

Sex Week: Who are you nailing? — Graphs by Drew By Lauren

February 15th, 2011 by Sudsy

Editor’s note: This graph is part of our Sex Week series.

Lies, judges with DUI’s, and other fun news

January 17th, 2011 by Melissa Haskin

The effectiveness of this judge won’t be influenced by his recent lapse in judgment.

Starbucks is introducing 31 ounce drinks- I’d discuss this further but I’m otherwise engaged writing an enthused letter to Starbucks outlining my disappointment in the lack of 64 oz cups.

Doin’ it right: If you’re going to do something wrong, you might as well do it thoroughly wrong, right? Disney seems to think so- their reusable shopping bags aren’t just over the federal limit for lead, but 15 times the federal limit! YAY (props also go to Safeway for distribution and Advanced Publisher for manufacturing), congratulations seem to be in order for their epic failure.

And, just because I want to ruin your day and leave you in an identity crisis- everything you know about astrology is a lie! Now that we’ve all come to that realization, we can use cool words like “Ophiuchus.”

Irony Much?

January 14th, 2011 by Melissa Haskin

From the Oregonian:

Oregon Attorney General John Kroger announced today that he will draft legislation that will make it illegal under state law to look at child pornography on the Internet.

Kroger plans to propose his draft to state lawmakers some time after their latest session starts in February. Kroger’s announcement comes one day after the Oregon Supreme Court ruled that state law doesn’t make it a crime to look at child pornography while surfing the Internet if the viewer doesn’t purposefully download the images, print them out or pay for them.

Most obviously, the explanation for this is that one of Attorney General Kroger’s interns/assistants “misplaced” all forms of current news for amusement purposes- you sir, I applaud.

An ode to Chip Kelly’s balls. (Sneak preview of new issue!)

January 10th, 2011 by Lyzi Diamond

“Win The Day”

Going for it on 4th and 3
That’s the way to victory
12 and 0 before this week
Refusing to accept defeat
Faking punts and running wide
Switching plays from side to side
To praise the man, no that’s not all
These vict’ries rest on Kelly’s balls.

Songwriting by UO Marketing?

December 20th, 2010 by Melissa Haskin

“I have seen the library, I have studied a lot, I deserve my grades…..” these are the catchy lyrics of “Call Me a Duck”, the new single by On the Rocks.

Recently featured on the NBC show The Sing-Off, On the Rocks, or OTR is a University of Oregon men’s a cappella group known for their showery. UO is showing it’s pride in the group not by featuring works the group has done, or their website, but rather by showcasing OTR’s new single “Call Me a Duck” on the UO homepage.

It could be the graphing calculator, the globe, the line about how they’ve seen the library, or the appearance of Puddles, but the song seems like a shameless plug for UO created by the advertising department and not something written by the group.

Though the song may lure gobs of teenage girls to apply to the university, the single doesn’t hold a candle to other works by OTR, or for that matter, “I Love My Ducks”. If you really must watch the video (though I wouldn’t suggest it) see below:

My advice, skip “Call Me a Duck” and just watch “Bad Romance” over and over again (yes, I know Alex is probably wincing, but a girl’s got to support her ducks):

US Senate Beer Pong Tournament: Second and Third Rounds

December 13th, 2010 by Rockne Andrew Roll

Second and Third Round highlights from the Ted Kennedy Memorial United States Senate Beer Pong Tournament. For First Round Action, see below. For full Tournament rules, bracket, and results, see “The Holiday Issue” of the Oregon Commentator, available online to your right. (more…)

US Senate Beer Pong Tournament: First Round

December 13th, 2010 by Rockne Andrew Roll

Editor’s note: For those of you who haven’t perused the Holiday Issue yet, you should do so now. The link is to your right. It includes a bracket and predicted results from The Ted Kennedy Memorial United States Senate Beer Pong Tournament. Some better explanation of those predicted results might be helpful so here it is, in the form of ESPN style recaps. Actual results were based on the perceived badass levels of the senators and their states.   Where it says “coin flip,” the winner was literally decided by the toss of a dime. Today includes results from the first round, second and third rounds will be later today, with the championship rounds either late today or early tomorrow. (more…)

Places to Study- Not the ODE Version

December 3rd, 2010 by Melissa Haskin

Being as it’s dead week, the ODE was kind enough to share its reporters’ opinions on where to study. Of course, there are other noteworthy coffee shops (Full City and Vero for starters), not to mention Sweet Life. However, there are other alternatives:

  • Rennie’s Landing, 1214 Kincaid St. — It’s right next to campus, so you can stumble to class five minutes before it starts. Perfect place to grab a pitcher and watch a game or read a textbook.
  • Eugene City Brewery, 844 Olive St. — Bring your book and order a pint and a burger. On Fridays Eugene City has a trivia night. Since it’s dead week, I’m sure the trivia will be on “organic chemistry” and “microeconomics”.
  • The Bier Stein, 345 E 11th Ave. — Incentivize your studying by buying yourself a beer, one for every chapter you read, one for every hour you study, one for getting out your notes….with so many reasons to study and Cheba Hut next door, it’s a guaranteed win for everyone!
  • Reser Stadium, 105 Gils  Coliseum, Corvallis — Screw finals, its CIVIL WAR.

Haven’t they seen Willy Wonka? Rich bitch turns into a goddamn blueberry.

November 7th, 2010 by Nick Dreyer

Did your candidate lose? Did you fail a midterm? Throw yourself a pity party. Wrap yourself up in blankets and shut yourself away from the warmth of your family and friends, you freak. Why don’t you go watch yourself some reruns of LOST and convince yourself that your theories aren’t a waste of time. Hey, Christmas is coming up—why don’t you ask Santa for a new pillow to cry into? But fer fuck’s sake, put down that tub of “Chubby Hubby.”

If your self-loathing is truly complete you will stuff your disappointed face with ice-cream that tastes like an awful idea. Portland ice-cream cart Junior Ambassador’s wants a grant to make a full seven-course Thanksgiving dinner à la crème glacée.  Their proposed flavors include such abortions as waldorf salad, deviled eggs with bacon, and of course, turkey with yam and marshmallows.  But before the phrase, “Gag me with a spoon” takes on new literal merit, I want to address the best idea they proposed— “Pecan Pie and Ice cream Ice cream.” I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around the concept of ice cream tasting…wait for it… like ICE CREAM. Using reflexive properties in the culinary world is never, ever a bad idea.  I stand firmly behind Junior Ambassador in their quest to nauseate and (potentially) delight. But only to further science.

Sexting: Your Parents Are On To You

October 12th, 2010 by Kellie B.

The website is devoted to decoding web slang for parents, which is something that should never, ever happen. It was started in 2005 as a way “to impress your kids by speaking their language,” made easy with their GoogleTranslate-esque Internet Slang Translator. You can paste any slang term into the box, press the button, and up comes the Baby Boomer-friendly translation. There are also separate boxes to check if you want the swear words censored, if the slang is in “l33t,” and one that says “include rejects?” which possibly means that it translates Jersey Shore-speak.
The site was created by Ryan Jones after “talking to his boss’s kids on AOL Instant Messenger and not being able to understand a damn thing they were typing.” Despite compiling his vast database of slang, Jone’s still seems ignorant to the times, referring to internet speak as “AOLbonics.”
Why he was talking to his boss’s kids online, we will never know, but it is certain that he is placing dangerous information into the hands of people who do not need to know that FMH means “Fuck Me Harder.”

Common Sexting Slang Terms

Warning: some of these terms are vulgar. This list is nowhere close to exhaustive, words can be combined, removed, and invented on the fly.

8 Oral Sex
143 I Love You
cu46 See You For Sex
DUM Do You Masturbate?
GNOC Get Naked On Cam
GYPO Get Your Pants Off
GNRN Get Naked right Now
FMH Fuck Me Harder
IWS I Want Sex
IIT Is It Tight?
Q2C Quick To Come
RUH Are You Horny?
TDTM Talk Dirty To Me
S2R Send To Receive
NIFOC Naked In Front Of Computer
SorG Straight Or Gay?
JO Jerk Off
PAW Parents Are Watching
PIR Parent In Room
POS Parent Over Shoulder
YWS You Want Sex
WYCM Will You Call Me

Why can’t we just leave these horny kids alone? Life is hard enough as it is without your mom nosing around in your sexts, asking if you’re GNOCing with your friends.