From Thursday’s Oregonian (I guess originally from AP), “Earl Threatens East Coast With Weekend Pounding.”

Tee hee hee.

We at the Oregon Commentator love to poke fun at our fellow campus publications, but sometimes you have to give credit where credit is due. In the latest issue of the Oregon Voice, which is downloadable in PDF form at their website, they have included some worthwhile gems. Most importantly, this:

Way to remain relevant, OV. I actually laughed out loud when I read it. Good work.

So I was going to do a post bout the Afghan soldier evacuation and the $500 million in planned aid to Pakistan. Then I saw this, a fan made video turned advertisement on Apple’s website touting another use for their titular iPad.

Ignoring the fact that the iPad is pretty much a glorified, expanded iPhone–a less sophisticated computer with a touch screen–this ad takes the cake in Apple consumer pretentiousness.

Effectively touting how you can use velcro to suspend an iPad anywhere in the home/car/work, the ad re-makes the wheel when you remember that it’s just as easy to prop the damn thing up without needing to place velcro all over the house.

The highlight of the video comes as a user places the gizmo on velcro placed on the wall. Not only would two black bars look fucking ugly on the wall when it’s not covered, but this idiot is using the iPad as a picture frame.

Let us compare:

Here’s the rundown of a picture frame

K-Mart 8×10 Picture Frame: $3.90

Photo Print: $2.50 (your milage may vary)

Hammer: $4

A goddamn nail: 10¢

Total: $10.50 and a little elbow grease.

And now iPad and Velcro

Adhesive Velcro: $3.90

Apple iPad: $300

Total: $304 and some ugly ass black stripe on the wall

I enjoy new technology, I really do. But the way this fucking trinket is hyped is goddamn deplorable. There’s nothing new or interesting to see, folks. Move along, move along.

Alright, kids. Have fun with this one (emphasis added to maximize hilarity):

Eugene police arrested a woman Friday at the Pacifica Forum meeting on campus, while others were given citations after protesters deployed a stink bomb to disrupt the meeting.

. . .

The Emerald was unable to confirm how many protesters received citations on Friday. DPS spokesperson Sgt. Adam Lillengreen declined to comment, saying the report first had to be released at its scheduled time later today. Protesters who were given citations are not allowed back onto University property for 18 months.

. . .

Black Tea Society spokesperson Damage, who declined to give his legal name out of safety concerns, refused to give names of the other protesters who received citations. Damage also said he thought six Black Tea Society members were issued citations on Friday.

Yesterday was Earth Day, this was celebrated on campus with a strong tabling effort in the EMU memorial quad. The Ol’Dirty decided to cover it with a front page picture of the events. Ironically the paper also includes a sixteen page housing guide, take that Mother Earth! Also yesterdays paper, which was distributed on Earth Day included the Scene section, a eight page insert in itself, which included such “Scene” worthy gems like “Each Picture’s Worth 1,000 hipsters.”

It didn’t seem like it could get any worse until I glanced at today’s Ol’Dirty featuring a front page article on KFC’s infamous Double Down Sandwich. Yes, the sandwich that substitutes fried or grilled chicken for buns is worthy of front page coverage in the ODE. The article even included a quote from  Jay Shaver, a manager at a Springfield KFC, calling sales “off the chain.” The article did not give a full review of the sandwich and chose to discuss the fat content of the sandwich. I am almost sure that the author of the news article did not even eat the Double Down. So here is a an actual review of the Double Down AKA Clogged Artery.

Some KFC executives had to have a meeting about this sandwich.

Last Thursday after a long morning of classes and homework I decided to go out with a friend and grab some lunch. After one quick joke of getting the Double Down we had already decided we were going to indulge in our carnivorous desires and try a bacon sandwich with fried chicken for buns. I ordered a Double Down meal and was soon enjoying the all mighty power of the sandwich. It was fried heaven. The buns were not exactly matched up right but I could have cared less as I took a bite after bite of pure cholesterol. The sandwich was a amazing pure and simple. The Double Down held the kind of beauty  that makes me wish  William Wordsworth was still alive to write a sonnet about it.

But then It was over and the food started fighting back. After consuming the meal I was immediately put into a food coma so strong I could barely get out of the car that drove me to KFC. While devouring the meat sandwich I forgot that I had an intramural soccer game in an hour. After a bitter struggle to get off the couch I got ready to play and headed out to the soccer fields. I felt fine for about 30 seconds into the game, then the Double Down started to gnarl at my insides. I do not think that KFC had in mind that some people would do strenuous physical activity after eating a sandwich with 540 calories.

Ten minutes later I was substituting myself out of the game in an effort to not pass out on the field. I spent the last minutes of the half trying to catch my breath and ease my stomach. By half time I could not take it anymore and lightly jogged to the water fountain for some refreshment . Before I could even get a sip of water the  Double Down was coming up. I projectile vomited the contents of my lunch behind some bushes next to the tennis courts. This caused the two women playing tennis right next to me to move over several courts.

The Double Down  should honestly have a warning from the Surgeons General on the packaging. It is the frenemy of sandwiches. If there is anything I learned from my KFC experience is that peoples should eat this sandwich at their own risk and that I need to chew more when I eat.

Trapped waist deep in mud with an ice-cold tide quickly rising, Kenny Phelps desperately cries out “Don’t leave me!” to his friend Miles O’Malley. Miles throws Kenny a tube of PVC and tells him to breath through it. The cold grey moon illuminates and casts a blue ambiance from the reflected water as Miles runs off-stage to find help. The house lights fade, and Kenny walks downstage, out of sight.

(more…)

A few issues ago I wrote a “fake news story” about the Ol’ Dirty filling their news editor position with an orangutan named Pat. During a conversation with the Emerald‘s business manager Kathy Carbone, she complimented me on the story as well as asked me, “It’s funny, but can you just write that? Or is there some kind of rules against writing fake, ridiculous quotes?” I told Kathy that anyone who thinks a chimp getting hired at a school paper is real was not worth my time. We never received any complaints.

Unfortunately, the same can not be said for the Vancouver Voice, ran by former OC editor-in-chief Ossie Bladine. In a section titled “Not Real News” they ran a fake story about a local business considering implementing casino games for children as part of their business model. Just wait, it gets better.

Apparently a local citizen called the Washington State Gambling Commission and the business is now under investigation. Now, I can understand Ossie’s problem of readers’ lazy eyes — I have read links to this very blog (mostly from Tea Party people who hate me) saying that “there’s not even an author to this blog!” when clearly, my name is directly under the title.

What is more confusing, however, is how on Earth anyone could think that a news organization like the Voice would run a straight news story about a children’s gambling establishment with no commentary or editorial substance. Is the generation gap becoming so large that The Onion is becoming a dividing line?

This is not the first time this year the Voice has had such confusion over a clearly labeled and clearly satirical article. In their Jan. 21 issue, the Voice ran a story about The Columbian changing its name to The Fort Vancouver Tribune. Apparently this caused some mental anguish for their readers, and Ossie had to formulate a very obvious, simply-worded note for his slower readers that read, We’d like to state that this was not quite real news–as in, we made it up.” 

In any case Ossie said, “From an outsider’s view, this is pretty funny. But for Big Al’s, a locally owned business that works hard to keep a family friendly image, not so funny.” But Ossie’s wrong, isn’t he? It’s not funny.

It’s absolutely hilarious.

In a recent press release to the Elections Committee and general student body, Tony Mecum announced the creation of the Students for Responsible Government. SRG, according to Mecum, is “a watchdog group to monitor campaign promises and rules by creating awareness about this year’s student government elections.”

Mecum, who resigned today from the EMU board, declares that he is tired of the elections being a “giant circus show” and that “for too long have special interest groups poisoned the democratic free allocation process.” He plans to wage this ASUO war with “every constitutional power granted to free paying members of this association.” The group is “nothing short of excited” and has received support from leaders across campus, according to Mecum. SRG is looking forward to the coming weeks, and is already analyzing wire tips.

Well all I can say is that it’s hight time that the UO finally has a group to keep an eye on the ASUO. Despite their stunning effectiveness as a governing body, you never know when the ASUO might misallocate hundreds of thousands of dollars to some kind of shady lobbyist group, or potentially break constitutional law. It’s great that we have upstanding men people in our student body willing to speak out against these abuses. I can rest easy tonight knowing that though ASUO elections loom on the horizon, Mecum and his group “are committed to this cause. Justice will be served.”

May the ASUO fear this face.

Need something to do while putting off studying for upcoming finals? Well look no further, we have our latest issue online for all of you to read.

Inside:

• Draw-a-Dick winners
• Webstars!
• Bias in the Classroom
• Hate Speech Debate
• Campus Customer Service
• and much more

I noticed this personal ad in the Emerald yesterday. It’s eerily similar to the one that appeared on our own back cover, and indeed to the one that I placed in the Emerald just last week.

I’m not sure who’s responsible for the ad (I haven’t asked the whole staff yet) but whoever is, I salute you.

We at the University of Oregon unfortunately do not have the day off, but if you would like to spend the day wasting time here are some presidential links to wet your whistle.

CNN’s Look into forgettable Presidents.

The top 43 sexiest Presidents according to Nerve.com.

CSM’s Look into the facts of President’s Day.

Teddy being a badass

Feel free to comment on your favorite or sexiest president below. I know there has to be some people that think Taft is sexy.

Those lovable scamps down at our campus newspaper, the Daily Emerald, decided to offer up a little Valentine’s Day gift to students by giving out free personal ads to celebrate the holiday. Wanting to fully take advantage of such an offer, the Oregon Commentator decided to run a personal ad of our own, which ran in today’s edition of the Emerald. The image is above, but the text reads:

Let’s meet for a drink

You: Fair skin, temperament to match. Hair and eyebrows like midnight. Powerful. Me: Golden complexion, rotund, a little white on top. Smoking enthusiast. Let’s stop playing games. Be my Valentine.

Anyone want to take a stab at who “You” and “Me” is?

Guess/comment away.

O’Keefe keepin’ his pimp-hand strong. In jail.

It seems that James O’Keefe, the pimp in the ACORN prostitution scandal, has been arrested for trying to tap the phones of a Democratic Senator from Louisiana.

Of course, as I reported in our Holiday Issue, I’ve seen O’Keefe speak in person. Oddly enough, he spoke during an “Ethics in Journalism” portion of the seminar. The consensus between Drew, Guy and I was that O’Keefe had a loose concept of journalistic integrity. That or he chose to ignore it. Either way, he advocated asinine concepts like, “Start insane student groups that your student government wouldn’t want to fund. Then report them to your students when they do fund something like ‘Students for Beastiality’ ” as the Dartmouth Review did in the 80’s. Other gems of wisdom from the disgraced O’Keefe? “Kill your Dean’s dog. That’s a headline!”

Obviously O’Keefe was never respected for his moral compass. Even the nature of his ACORN scandal was still more along the lines of manufacture than of investigation. Now, with O’Keefe facing criminal charges it’s hard to wonder how anyone took him seriously in the first place.

Especially with those ridiculous glasses.

haha Reagan is so life-like

The AHTF is number one in the hood, G.

My name is… Shake zoola, the megaphone rula

You want to picket? I’ll bring it to ya!

Gridlocked and we on top/Rest assured we’ll call the cops/Black Tea you up next with yo’ knock-knocks

Anti-Hate in your grills, G/Anti-Hate made of sugar, see?

We censor the crowd/We get real loud/Sticks up your ass and lots of shouts from the town

Check, check it/Cause we are the Anti-Hate Team

Make the ASUO say ‘ho!’ and the girlies wanna scream