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Archive for the 'Sex' Category

Feds uncover Bin Laden porn stash

May 14th, 2011 by Ben Maras

American officials have uncovered what appears to be Osama Bin Laden’s porn stash in his Abbottabad compound, and it’s “fairly extensive” according to Reuters. While the contents of the hard drive haven’t been leaked by Wikileaks / Anonymous yet, an unnamed source told the news organization that the collection consisted mostly of modern, digitally recorded videos. This, despite the fact that he lived devoid of wired Internet and phone connection to the outside world, and relied on flash drives and Internet cafes to send messages (and, apparently, collect porn).

There’s no word yet on where in the house it was found, or which rooms were wired for viewing pleasure, so there are a lot of questions remaining. Was it his personal collection, or a shared spank bank to help quell insurrection and improve morale of the troops? Avi, or Mpeg? What sort of porn is a fundamentalist nutjob in to, anyway?  The world may never know / care.

What we do know, is that it’s only a matter of time until someone starts blaming he evil porn that corrupted his mind and drove him to jihad.

My bet is for Pat Robertson.

 

Take Back the Toilet

April 19th, 2011 by Ben Maras

Ever yearn for the days of elementary school, when all it took to be cool and edgy was to dare to step foot into the bathroom of the opposite sex? Well your dreams are about to be answered. Tomorrow, in celebration of Trans Week of Celebration and Disability Awareness Week, and coincidentally on 4:20 / Joey Lawrence’s birthday, the women’s restroom on the ground floor of the EMU will be open to people of any sex and /or gender, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Your ASUO representatives, along with members of Oregon Student Equal Rights Alliance and the LGBTQA, will be on site to welcome the tired, weary and huddled masses and promote gender issues as part of the “Be Free to Pee” event.

“There are many UO students who identify as trans, or who don’t identify with the male or female gender,” said ASUO Accessibility Advocate Kai Kubitz. “Many people don’t fit in the gender binary. We want to educate students that there are many genders.”

There are already a couple of gender-inclusive restrooms on campus, such as in the law school, Lawrence Hall and that corner of the Oregon Commentator office that smells kinda funny — but organizers hope that the event will pave the way for more officially-sanctioned genderless restrooms in the soon-to-be-remodeled EMU and Rec Center.

“Gendered restrooms are inherently discriminatory. Gender inclusive restrooms allow people to access the restroom without forcing students to make a statement about what gender they identify as,” said ASUO Gender and Sexual Diversity Kelsey Jarone.

The only real question we have is: Will the seat be left up, or down, when not in use?

Sex and the Windy City

March 3rd, 2011 by Kellie B.

Northwestern Professor John Michael Bailey has been put in a compromising position after his recent post-class demonstration was met with explosive reactions. Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, like many others, covers topics ranging from transexuality to masturbation, but unlike the course you can take here at UO, he has after-class “educational addendums,” the most recent being a live demonstration of a woman being penetrated by a this:

Fucksaw

It’s called a fucksaw, and for around $170 you can get your very own. The after class special was a discussion on kink and sexual fetish, where students could touch clown wigs, feel the “titillating” sting of an erotic electric shock device, and watch as Faith Kroll (pictured below) stripped naked and was penetrated by the toy, wielded by her fiance, Jim Marcus.

Kroll and finace Marcus

It is yet unclear as to what, if any kind of repercussions this will have for Professor Bailey, but of course some critics are already spurting with disapproval. The demonstration “troubled and disappointed” Northwestern University President Morton Shapiro, who also called for an investigation. The addendum was an optional part of class, no credit was given for attending, and because the act was performed in a classroom setting it is considered legal. But was it necessary for student comprehension? Yes, says Bailey, Kroll, and Marcus. During the lecture the class watched a video depicting a female orgasm which both Kroll and Marcus found to be inadequate and thought they could give a much more realistic example right then and there. Kroll and Marcus are self-proclaimed exhibitionists, meaning they derive their sexual pleasure from being watched during the dirty deed.

“Both Professor Bailey and myself gave [the students] five or six warnings about what was about to happen and it would be graphic,” said Ken Melvoin-Berg, who was the main guest lecturer and who is also co-owner of Weird Chicago Tours. The most important precaution taken, in this writer’s opinion, was the towel that Kroll made sure to lay down beneath her before the love session began.

So far no lawsuits have been filed, so it seems that none of the students were severely traumatized by watching the 25-year-old get totally reamed by a fucksaw.

“It is probably something I will remember for the rest of my life. I can’t say that about my Econ 202 class and the material that I learned there,” said Justin Smith, a Northwestern senior.

But the real question at the heart of this controversy: did Kroll actually climax for the class, or was she just faking it? That is a mystery we may never be able to answer, or at least not until the cell phone videos begin surfacing.

Sex advice: Ask An Tae Sik

February 16th, 2011 by An Tae Sik

This is highly suggestive to me. What about you?

Dear An Tae Sik,

My partner and I have been together for two years now, or four cycles of the Lunar Awakening. I’m a bisexual existentialist vegan sex addict and my husband is a pagan alcoholic transcendentalist baker with a liking for water sports. How can we incorporate all of our beliefs into one fuck-to-death shitshow of a sex session?

Sincerely,
Moon Goddess in Heat

Dear MGH,

Religion is the opiate of the masses. Trancendentalism is a false dogma perpetuated by the imperialists of the West. Alcoholism is highly counterrevolutionary. Veganism is bourgeois and objectionable. Homosexuality and bisexuality are pretty much OK, as long as they are not in public and do not embrace the bourgeois artifices of Western homosexual culture, though.

Just keep in mind: any sexual act you perform, as long as it is between two legally consenting partners, is admissible if you follow two simple rules. 1.) In your mind, you must picture the coming-together of your body parts as the peaceful, righteous reunification of the Korean peninsula under the banner of the Juche idea, and any orgasms as the bringing of happiness to all Koreans at home and abroad, under the fruits borne by the Dear Leader’s vision.

2.) There must be a portrait of Dear Leader Kim Jong Il hanging over the site of the intercourse and, should he want to participate, he must be allowed to do so.

Oh, I am getting hot under the collar now!

Dear An Tae Sik,

I have a mud fetish. I like being smeared with clay, dirt, mold, any kind of rubbish you find around the house. Here’s the thing: some people think that’s weird. And not just weird like nerdy weird, like WEIRD. One lady even spat on me! My question is: is my fetish normal?

Sincerely,

Dirt Is My Friend

Dear DIMF,

I don’t see what the big deal is. Back when I was nine and worked at the paracetamol factory in Rason, I used to come back from work smeared in mud all the time. Women never spat on me, but that’s because women weren’t allowed to be overseers in the plant. I certainly grew to like it, although I admit that was before I experienced running water — have you tried that, by the way? It’s quite nice. And if it’s normal in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, it certainly ought to be normal wherever you are.

Sex Week: Who are you nailing? — Graphs by Drew By Lauren

February 15th, 2011 by Sudsy

Editor’s note: This graph is part of our Sex Week series.

Sex Week: Advice from An Tae Sik

February 14th, 2011 by An Tae Sik

Editor’s note: This is part of  the Commentator’s Sex Week, to commemorate the release of the Sex Issue. Originally, this was supposed to be written by our regular advice columnist Kellie Bramstone, but we have begun to suspect that Kellie is dead. In her place, our news editor An Tae Sik agreed to step into the breach.

For those who don’t know, Tae Sik is a transfer student from Kim Il Sung University in Pyongyang, North Korea. Though he was exiled from his native country, he still maintains a distinct affinity for its political culture and sees much of the world through a unique, North Korea-tinted perspective. This is the first letter he will be answering this week.

Mugshot for An Tae Sik

An Tae Sik

Dear Commentator,

Last February, us bros at the Chi Omega Chi Sigma fraternity had a raging party. Unfortunately by the end of the night, most of the girls had left with guys who WEREN’T FROM OUR HOUSE. How do we get the optimum female quota and keep them from going home with other dudes? That’s not cool. And if you came to our party and you’re from SAE, you’re officially on our blacklist.

— Chi Omega Chi

Dear COC,

The Dear Leader leaves nothing to chance. If he wants someone, be it a movie director, sexual partner, or sushi chef, he takes measures to ensure that person’s presence. You need to take the same measures.
And the good news for you is you don’t even need to spend money on hiring your own shadowy network of kidnappers to do it! You’ve got one ready-made. Just learn to think of yourself and your brothers as a little death squad of your very own!

Think about it: you’ve already got a uniform in the form of your fraternity’s spirit wear and you already have a dungeon in the form of your house’s basement. Just get the biggest SUV you’ve got and cruise the streets a couple of hours before your party stalking actresses from Japan and south Korea. Chloroform and/or a blackjack can come in handy, but that’s probably in your house’s manual already.

Want Tae Sik to answer your questions about sex? E-mail us at editor@oregoncommentator.com or send it to our office. We reserve the right to edit material we find obscene, libelous, inappropriate or lengthy. We are not obliged to print anything that does not suit us. Unsolicited material will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Submission constitutes testimony as to the accuracy. E-mails sent to individual authors that are directly related to the Oregon Commentator may be reused by the Commentator as it sees fit.

Valentine’s Day: Can’t you find a better excuse to get laid?

February 14th, 2011 by Kayla Heffner

Editor’s note: This article was originally written for our Sex Issue. However, with St. Valentine’s Day looming, we elected to lovingly delay its eventual release until context could assist us in working you into a state of excitement. Was that an effective sexual metaphor? Please let us know.

Inveterate Douche and womanizer ... probably

Well, it’s Feb. 14, and significant others everywhere have just finished stressing about what to get their loved ones in this time of economic recession. In a rush, it’s off to the store to find something “special” for him or her. Credit cards everywhere are maxing out. The store shelves are overstocked with pink, red and purple. Walking up and down the aisles, it is so hard to decide which bear hugging a heart to purchase (Ed. note: I like the marriage-related symbolism here). Time to consider other options. Roses? Too expensive. Candlelit dinner? Way too expensive (Ed. note: it’s not that expensive to get together a couple of candles and some Easy Mac. You don’t even need another person.). Shitty-ass card? Just right. (more…)

New Issue Preview: How to Avoid an Underage Girl in a Bar

February 9th, 2011 by Stephen Murphy

Editor’s note: Because of mistakes with communication during the process of production, this article was one of a couple that did not find their way into our upcoming Sex Issue. Here it is, one of the many things we at the Commentator will be bringing you during Sex Week. It’s exactly like Shark Week except we had to change the name for legal reasons.

We’ve all been there before: you wake up and look over at that hot slampiece you picked up in the bar last night, only to see braces you didn’t notice before. Then she hurriedly packs her Hello Kitty backpack,  saying if she doesn’t get to first period on time she’ll totally get detention. And of course, you could get a lot more than that. It happens, but you can avoid it if you look for some telltale signs of that hottie actually being a prepubescent prison sentence:

  • She throws complicated words (incorrectly) into her sentences and talks about how smart she is. As in, “I am so smart everyone in my family says I’m encyclopedic.”
  • She calls her “professors” “Mr.” and “Ms.”
  • She’s drinking appletinis because “JD from Scrubs is SOOOOO funny!!!”
  • She tells you a story about how she got “totally” tipsy off of two “cans of vodka” at her friend’s party.
  • Two minutes into conversation she’s showing you her Silly Bandz.
  • She “casually” mentions she’s bisexual in conversation, then tells you if you don’t like it you can just deal with it.
  • Every time you say something amusing, it reminds her of a Family Guy quote.
  • You two are sitting and talking when you hear some music come from her pocket; she squeals a little bit and goes “I love my new Jonas Brothers ringtone! One second that’s my friend!”
  • Any squealing.
  • You ask what she’s studying, and her response is “I really like my second-period P.E. class! All my friends are in it!”
  • Every five minutes she pulls out her iPhone to check updates on her Justin Bieber fan club Facebook group.
  • She says she can really identify with the messages in Linkin Park’s new album.
  • You compliment the belt she’s wearing, and she thanks you and mentions she got it at Hot Topic.
  • You ask if she wants to go to a less crowded bar, and she says she can’t because she has to be home by 10 p.m.
  • You mention you’re here because all your friends went out without you, and she says she had to get out of the house ‘cause her parents were being totally unfair.
  • She keeps turning the conversation to how her friend Brianna got a new pair of jeggings and now she needs to get some too or she won’t be cool anymore.
  • She brags about how many MySpace friends she has.
  • She drops something, bends over to pick it up, you see the top of her panties…and make out the face of Dora the Explorer.
  • She actually says things like “OMG” and “brb.”
  • When she goes to pay for her drinks, she pulls money out of a Hannah Montana wallet.
  • You spend ten minutes hearing about how her parents are buying her a car for her birthday (she claims her 22nd) and she can’t wait to get to drive herself around without having to ask her mom’s permission to use the family car, which is TOTALLY LAME by the way.
  • She legitimately enjoys High School Musical.

Happy New Year!

December 31st, 2010 by Melissa Haskin

That is all. Continue with your drunken merriment.

Pope Benedict XVI Stirs the Pot

November 29th, 2010 by Melissa Haskin

In a bold and unorthodox move, Pope Benedict XVI expressly acknowledged that in some situations condoms might be acceptable. Though he did not change the official stance of the Catholic Church, he opened the door for debate. In indicating that condoms help prevent disease, the Pope seemed to advocate safety over morals.

Earlier this week, the Pope released a book, Light of the World, wherein he reasoned that, while condoms aren’t a moral solution, they exude responsibility and a step in the right (moral) direction. As reported by the New York Times, the statements were ambiguous and when questioned, Benedict  retorted with a smile. Specific examples the pope cited include prostitutes, which in itself is amusing since the church doesn’t quite advocate for prostitution. It was clear in Benedict’s message that the use should be to avoid disease, not pregnancy. However, contraception does tend to prevent conception, which is also against Catholic doctrine.

Benedict has stirred up a bit of opposition. The New York Times reported that several prominent individuals disagreed with the pope’s actions, going so far as to tell the publisher not to publish the his book. Though Benedict is not changing the church doctrine, one cannot deny the influence his words have on the Catholic community and the world. Perhaps in the future, there will be one less thing to confess for. Perhaps change is on the way.

Thoughts on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

November 15th, 2010 by Ben Maras

“Don’t ask, don’t tell” will remain in effect pending a Federal Appeals Court review, thanks to a Supreme Court decision (or lack thereof) and a little gentle pressure from President Obama. Yes, the same one who vowed to end the policy on his watch is now advocating for its extension.

But why? You might expect him to be happy about last month’s ruling by district court Judge Virginia Phillips that the 17-year-old policy challenged by the Log Cabin Republicans (a gay Republican group) was in violation of the First Amendment rights of the hundreds of thousands of American soldiers. But instead he claimed that lifting the ban now could hurt his own efforts to study the effect of lifting the ban, and future attempts to do it.

The White House appealed, and asked Phillips for a stay in the order to lift the ban. When the reasoning wasn’t good enough for Phillips, the Obama administration took it to the Appeals Court who decided that the policy could remain in place for now. The White House also urged the Supreme Court not to get involved.

He’s swearing to push the issue on his “lame-duck” Congress, which began its session this week, before the newly elected take their seats and the GOP regains control. This puts him in a strange position of advocating a policy he is against until enough research and planning has been done to lift it responsibly.

Obama wants to give the military time and resources to prepare for the open service of gay people, such as through of providing programs for soldiers to “out” themselves to their comrades.

The military says it will comply if asked to stop enforcing DADT, but some are still worried about unforeseen consequences. Some military officials have warned that lifting the policy could disrupt operations, troop morale and recruiting, and “irreparably harm the public interest in a strong and effective military.”

Mirroring the sentiment of Obama (or is it the other way around), Sen. John McCain came out against it, saying that “Once we get this study, we need to have hearings. And we need to examine it. And we need to look at whether it’s the kind of study that we wanted.” Debate about studying a study isn’t just the bane of student government reporters; it’s also one of the pitfalls of conservative politics in this country.

It’s good to be weary of radical political change, and even better to study and flush out details of the changes before they happen – but it can also lead to stagnation, which is especially dangerous when we’re talking about the First Amendment rights of a group being systematically repressed.

Hopefully Obama is dragging his feet on making this happen because he is just concerned about doing it in the most responsible and sustainable way possible for all parties involved. Hopefully it doesn’t turn in to “I tried to stay true to my campaign promises but THEY wouldn’t let me” political fodder for elections to come. Hopefully it isn’t because lifting the ban wasn’t going to have his name attached to it if it were allowed to pass last month. Hopefully we finally get around to fixing this mess, and restoring rights to Americans who fight for them.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Now with more boobs.

November 14th, 2010 by Ben Maras


In an attempt to reach out to at-risk partiers, the newest public service announcement from the National Health Service is reaching back to our youth for help. It’s not just the subject matter (use condoms) that makes it more fun and controversial than American ads, nor is it the Euro-chic nonchalance toward sex. The best part about it is that it’s essentially a Choose Your Own Adventure. With boobs.

In the vaguely-NSFW interactive video series, which is viewable on YouTube, you play as an unseen male character who is getting ready to go to a party with some friends, and have to make some tough choices about condoms: mostly whether to buy/use them. Depending which choices you make, you might totally get some, bro. Watch out though! Danger lurks around every corner and you might end up in the STD clinic.

The shaky Handycam saves the videos from being titillating, but they’re racy enough that British government officials can’t watch them at work due to porn filters. Predictably, moral-centric organizations like the Family and Educational Trust are complaining that the videos send a bad message to kids, because just saying no isn’t an option.

Norman Wells, the director of the Family and Education Trust, said the NHS should not be sending out the message that casual sex ‘leaves no regrets’.

He said: “It is grossly irresponsible of the NHS to present a graphic portrayal of unbridled lust in which a young woman is depicted as no more that a sex object and then to tell young men that they have ‘made the right choices’ simply because they have used a condom.”

Whether the objectification factor outweighs the message is debatable, but it’s not all sex and glamor. I’m not sure that sitting in an STD clinic being told you have AIDS/crabs/gonorrhea/etc. is really a regret-free outcome, and he leaves out the fact that — as I discovered — it’s entirely possible to cock-block yourself in the video.

Either way, though, if these stand any chance of getting the attention of the at-risk, they should be supported whole-heartedly. And if you disagree, turn to page 69, and a boulder will fall on your head.

Oregon: Very Curious, Indeed

October 25th, 2010 by Kellie B.

In a recent poll by the dating website OkCupid.com, Oregon state was found to be the most likely to swing both ways, as indicated by their infographic map below. Unsurprisingly, godless, hippie-havens of Canada and Washington state are also just as eager to expand their horizontal horizons.

The data was collected from 292,900 OkCupid.com users who identify as heterosexual. Over a quarter of the respondents said they either had enjoyable same-sex encounters in the past or would like to in the future. Also unsurprising, the women were much more open to switching teams: %44 either had a positive same-sex experience or want to, compared to just %12 of men.

This observational study was conducted by OkCupid’s own dating research entity, OkTrends, who’s revealing blog also explores assumptions about race, religion, and gender habits. Highly recommended: the “Stuff Straight People Like” and the “Religion and Writing Level” posts.

Just Another Blogpost on the Duke “Fuck List”

October 14th, 2010 by Kellie B.

So, in case this blog is your one and only news source (as it should be,) some Duke graduate took too many of her roommate’s Adderall and made a PowerPoint presentation detailing the sexual performance of every guy she fucked in college. It’s understandable, really, who hasn’t created an intricate digital record of their conquests, including bar graphs, photos, and a “Memorable Moments” quotes section?

Karen F. Owen’s only real mistake was emailing to her three best friends, who, as any Lifetime movie can attest, will take every chance to humiliate you on a national scale. The list went fully viral after the blogs Jezebel and Deadspin posted the full presentation, and it’s been getting attention from The Today Show and the New York Times.

Owen has pussed out, saying she regrets the list “with all my heart. I would never intentionally hurt the people that are mentioned on it.” This writer, however, sees this document as a valuable teaching tool, not only for the men on the list, but for the sexually inept everywhere. Subject 7 gives a lesson in neediness when he texts “…?” exactly every 13 minutes, and Subject 3 shows the importance of praise with his post-blowie high fives.

The subjects themselves are not too pleased with Owen’s report, no lawsuits have been filed yet but Deadspin had to redact the names of the subjects and blur faces after getting too many angry emails and phone calls, some from the subject’s parents. But every filthy cloud has a silver lining, within 12 hours of posting the story Jezebel received emails from William Morris Endeavor talent agency and HarperCollins, who called Owen’s the “female equivalent of Tucker Max, and I admire his sense of self-empowerment!” Obviously she hasn’t read the Tucker Tries Buttsex story. A movie producer contacted Deadspin for Owen’s email address, explaining his interest in the story by mentioning his last successful movies, “Friday” and “You Got Served.”

This is not the first time in American collegiate history that a fuck list has been concocted. In 1977, two MIT students, Roxanne Ritchie and Susan Gilbert, published their own “Consumer Guide to MIT Men” in an MIT alternative weekly. The guide rated 36 men on their sexual prowess, but, even at the height of the sexual revolution, the girls were nearly kicked out of the school and over 200 students signed a protest petition against the article. Given that at the time MIT was probably overwhelming male-populated, the ladies’ table-turning exercise was probably doomed from the start.

Personally, my favorite part of this whole debacle is the media’s decision to name it “the fuck list.” So many other choices were available, “penis presentation,” “jizz journal,” “dick diary,” but even the old media was unafraid to stand up and call a spade a spade, and for that I salute. Now if only they could be this honest about Christine O’Donnell (yes, she is a witch.)

Orgies and A Prison Sentence

May 24th, 2010 by Freedom Lesiak

His name is Ma Yaohai. He is a slim 53 old man with glasses and lives with his mother in China. Sounds like a dork right? Wrong. Professional bad ass in my opinion. Why you may ask? On Thursday, Ma got sentenced to jail for three and a half years for something most of us could only dream of…. ORGIES!!

That’s Right! This guy…..

IS A LOVE MACHINE!

Doesn’t look like it, but this guy has planned and taken part in 18 orgies and has even created his own internet chat room for swingers. What I really love about Ma, is that during this whole ordeal he constantly told the Chinese government to suck on his love whistle, even blurting out in his own trial, “How can I disturb social order? What happens in my house is a private matter.”

For those of you in the uninformed proletariat, China has for decades tried to manage and control the population. Going so far as to create “moral laws” aimed at preventing the perversion of their citizens. The law the Chinese government is prosecuting Ma under is a leftover law at preventing people from having sex outside of marriage, specifically against “Hooliganism.” Which of course made me giggle, because my mom used to call me a hooligan back in middle school.

Mr. Ma plans on fighting the ruling with as much rigor and fervor as he takes into one of his orgies and I for one am rooting for him. What someone does inside the privacy of their own home is no ones business but there own, even if it is in a two bedroom house with your Alzheimer inflicted mother. (as in the case of Mr. Ma, Weird right?) So in support of Mr. Ma, I’m asking everyone to go out and do something perverted that would piss of the Chinese government. Have an orgy, Watch some porn, Threesome, four-some, dropping goos in public. Hell, I’ll even count just having sex with someone you care about as support for Mr. Ma.

Keep on fighting on Mr. Ma… one orgy at a time.

photo Source: Global Times