Editor’s note: This is part of  the Commentator’s Sex Week, to commemorate the release of the Sex Issue. Originally, this was supposed to be written by our regular advice columnist Kellie Bramstone, but we have begun to suspect that Kellie is dead. In her place, our news editor An Tae Sik agreed to step into the breach.

For those who don’t know, Tae Sik is a transfer student from Kim Il Sung University in Pyongyang, North Korea. Though he was exiled from his native country, he still maintains a distinct affinity for its political culture and sees much of the world through a unique, North Korea-tinted perspective. This is the first letter he will be answering this week.

Dear Commentator,

Last February, us bros at the Chi Omega Chi Sigma fraternity had a raging party. Unfortunately by the end of the night, most of the girls had left with guys who WEREN’T FROM OUR HOUSE. How do we get the optimum female quota and keep them from going home with other dudes? That’s not cool. And if you came to our party and you’re from SAE, you’re officially on our blacklist.

— Chi Omega Chi

Dear COC,

The Dear Leader leaves nothing to chance. If he wants someone, be it a movie director, sexual partner, or sushi chef, he takes measures to ensure that person’s presence. You need to take the same measures.
And the good news for you is you don’t even need to spend money on hiring your own shadowy network of kidnappers to do it! You’ve got one ready-made. Just learn to think of yourself and your brothers as a little death squad of your very own!

Think about it: you’ve already got a uniform in the form of your fraternity’s spirit wear and you already have a dungeon in the form of your house’s basement. Just get the biggest SUV you’ve got and cruise the streets a couple of hours before your party stalking actresses from Japan and south Korea. Chloroform and/or a blackjack can come in handy, but that’s probably in your house’s manual already.

Want Tae Sik to answer your questions about sex? E-mail us at [email protected] or send it to our office. We reserve the right to edit material we find obscene, libelous, inappropriate or lengthy. We are not obliged to print anything that does not suit us. Unsolicited material will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Submission constitutes testimony as to the accuracy. E-mails sent to individual authors that are directly related to the Oregon Commentator may be reused by the Commentator as it sees fit.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 14th, 2011 at 16:10 by An Tae Sik and is filed under Sex, World. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.