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Valentine’s Day: Can’t you find a better excuse to get laid?

Editor’s note: This article was originally written for our Sex Issue. However, with St. Valentine’s Day looming, we elected to lovingly delay its eventual release until context could assist us in working you into a state of excitement. Was that an effective sexual metaphor? Please let us know.

Inveterate Douche and womanizer ... probably

Well, it’s Feb. 14, and significant others everywhere have just finished stressing about what to get their loved ones in this time of economic recession. In a rush, it’s off to the store to find something “special” for him or her. Credit cards everywhere are maxing out. The store shelves are overstocked with pink, red and purple. Walking up and down the aisles, it is so hard to decide which bear hugging a heart to purchase (Ed. note: I like the marriage-related symbolism here). Time to consider other options. Roses? Too expensive. Candlelit dinner? Way too expensive (Ed. note: it’s not that expensive to get together a couple of candles and some Easy Mac. You don’t even need another person.). Shitty-ass card? Just right.

According to the U.S. Greeting Card Association, over 190 million valentines are sent each year. In 2010 alone, 15 million e-valentines were also sent. With that said, to those 205 million on St. Valentine’s Day is a lot of generic bullshit.

The name “Valentine” refers to the religious name of St. Valentine. There were three, to be exact. The concept of a valentine exchange was introduced in conjunction with a story most likely perpetuated by dumbass romantics. It was fabled that on the night before the execution and subsequent martyrdom of each of the three Valentines, he sent a note to the girl he loved proclaiming to be “from your Valentine.”

This is nonsense.

The United States became involved with the exchange of valentines when the daughter of a a book and stationary store owner received one, quickly moving the more thoughtful, hand-made love note exchange to the commercialized valentine card that can be mass-produced for the soulless public.

I don’t need a company to tell me when to eat chocolate and fuck. (Ed. note: I need a company to tell me when not to eat chocolate and fuck. Seriously. Will somebody please start that company? I’m worried I’ll die.). It is truly a case of forcing the words, “Aww, that is sweet, but you really shouldn’t have…”  There should not have to be a declared holiday on which people are forced to express their love for one another.

Love is not dead, but Valentine’s Day is a hoax that exploits a once-genuine sentiment.  Claiming to celebrate the holiday for romance is hard to believe. Seriously, if there are millions out there that wait until the last conceivable minute, only to buy a limerick printed on the inside of a card, it’s doubtful that they appreciate the sentiment being expressed. Romanticism, no. Sheer laziness, yes. In this modern age, Valentine’s Day is not about love. It is about sex.

Having a good fuck doesn’t have to come with a price tag, though (Ed. note: especially if you take advantage of free condoms at the Health Center!). If you want to get laid, that is fine, but don’t try and masquerade your dick behind a heart-shaped box of love (Ed. note: Unless that’s what you’re into, but I don’t have to hear about it). That’s insulting to sexual partners everywhere.

A person can cum without having to give someone a card and dedicating a poem to them afterward (Ed. note: We don’t mean to be judgmental if you actually have some sort of fetish or compulsion that requires you to give someone a card before you can ejaculate, although that’s pretty sad, bro.). Don’t buy Hallmark or Sweet Tart hearts; that is just a cheap gesture of “love”. Rather than ending up single (celebrating Single Awareness Day) and broke, just pick another day to spend time and money on the one you love. Let your display of affection be spontaneous. Let it come out of a true act of love, not just an obligation to a day on the calendar. For fuck’s sake, be original and creative!

If you are still stressing about what to do for Valentine’s Day, don’t. Any day is a good day for a romantic gesture; and for those who merely want to fornicate – well, you need to find someone who is consensual and willing. But whatever the motivation behind the action, please stay away from the cheap semantics, hearts, lace and roses – it’s all been overdone before. You prick.

  1. Lyzi Diamond says:

    Rockne, Alex and I all edited, but the ed notes are Alex’s.

  2. Kayla Heffner says:

    Lizzie the edits to this turned out awesome. Thanks for cleaning it up, if you are the one that did it:)

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