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Sex advice: Ask An Tae Sik

This is highly suggestive to me. What about you?

Dear An Tae Sik,

My partner and I have been together for two years now, or four cycles of the Lunar Awakening. I’m a bisexual existentialist vegan sex addict and my husband is a pagan alcoholic transcendentalist baker with a liking for water sports. How can we incorporate all of our beliefs into one fuck-to-death shitshow of a sex session?

Moon Goddess in Heat

Dear MGH,

Religion is the opiate of the masses. Trancendentalism is a false dogma perpetuated by the imperialists of the West. Alcoholism is highly counterrevolutionary. Veganism is bourgeois and objectionable. Homosexuality and bisexuality are pretty much OK, as long as they are not in public and do not embrace the bourgeois artifices of Western homosexual culture, though.

Just keep in mind: any sexual act you perform, as long as it is between two legally consenting partners, is admissible if you follow two simple rules. 1.) In your mind, you must picture the coming-together of your body parts as the peaceful, righteous reunification of the Korean peninsula under the banner of the Juche idea, and any orgasms as the bringing of happiness to all Koreans at home and abroad, under the fruits borne by the Dear Leader’s vision.

2.) There must be a portrait of Dear Leader Kim Jong Il hanging over the site of the intercourse and, should he want to participate, he must be allowed to do so.

Oh, I am getting hot under the collar now!

Dear An Tae Sik,

I have a mud fetish. I like being smeared with clay, dirt, mold, any kind of rubbish you find around the house. Here’s the thing: some people think that’s weird. And not just weird like nerdy weird, like WEIRD. One lady even spat on me! My question is: is my fetish normal?


Dirt Is My Friend

Dear DIMF,

I don’t see what the big deal is. Back when I was nine and worked at the paracetamol factory in Rason, I used to come back from work smeared in mud all the time. Women never spat on me, but that’s because women weren’t allowed to be overseers in the plant. I certainly grew to like it, although I admit that was before I experienced running water — have you tried that, by the way? It’s quite nice. And if it’s normal in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, it certainly ought to be normal wherever you are.

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