Because Sundays are slow. This week:

Self-deprecating trash can.

For weeks now we’ve been debating back and forth about the Pacifica Forum, and the subsequent maneuvering its protesters have done to try to make the discussion about “student safety”. It came to a head last week when the ASUO Senate Rules Committee passed a resolution that politely asked the Pacifica Forum to fuck off.

It seems that through a highly convoluted series of events, the Student Insurgent has coincidentally “intercepted” a message from Billy Rojas, which has been denied as being a fake. Even if the e-mail is real, it’s long and boring and I don’t really need to go over its contents. The best part is that the Black Tea Society has decided to call on anti-Pacifica supporters from all over the state to protest the next Pacifica meeting on the 12th because of the e-mail.

Here’s where it gets juicy. The Black Tea Society intends to bring militants to the University of Oregon campus in order to protest the Pacifica Forum. That’s right… militants.

“Militants wishing to participate in this action should arrive in front of Agate Hall on the University of Oregon campus, this Friday February 12th at 4:30pm”

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Sarah Palin gave a speech to a “tea party” a few days ago, one in which she said “America is ready for another revolution.” Palin’s comments, according to a Register-Guard article, were typically hilarious.

“We need a commander in chief not a professor of law.”

“Foreign policy can’t be managed through the politics of personality,” she said.

Which is exactly why the M.I.L.F decided to quit her job halfway through to join Fox News as a “pundit”. Oh, it gets better.

She assailed the $787 billion stimulus plan — “Did you feel very stimulated?” she asked

(Insert snarky sexual innuendo here)

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The ASUO slogan contest will be ending tonight, so be sure to post your entries into the comments section of that blog post. We will announce the winner either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.

ASUO Slogan Contest

I found a new issue of the Comic Press today. I was going to make fun of it, but it’s kind of hard to make fun of a Xeroxed sheet of paper.

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We found a little note under our door yesterday night from OSPIRG  & OSPIRG President Charles Denson. It was a envelope containing $1.75 and a note on the back of a Haiti fundraiser flyer. Thanks OSPIRG and  Charles for the laugh and cup of coffee! However we have 25 staffers who all want $1.66,  and also some alumni in Portland and Salem also want $1.66 to be sent to them off campus. I’m positive someone in OSPIRG knows how to send money to people off campus.

Here is Phylicia Haggerty’s reply to ASUO Sen. Tyler Griffin’s previous email:

“Tyler,

I appreciate you writing me back. To clarify a few things 1) I am not ignorant and 2) I never said ASUO members have never been discriminated against. I did say that most of you are probably not taking this situation seriously because based on who the Pacifica forum is gearing hatred towards most of you would not classify. I think it was very unprofessional for you to say and I quote “how dare me” and that I should be ashamed of what I said. I think it is truly sad that some of the ASUO members have to thought twice about an issue that is blatantly wrong. I think it is ironic that from what I said in my e-mail that you would have the audacity to claim that you are scared of me. It is too bad that this issue probably will not be resolved until someone gets hurt. I do apologize for saying that nothing has been done about this issue because I know most of you do understand and that you are trying to find a solution. I will not be contacting you on any other circumstances and I do appreciate your time because I know you are very busy. I did contact Student Affairs and I have falsely accused ASUO Senate members in that the policy decision making is not left up to you completely in that the President makes final decisions. Thank you again for your time.

Phylicia Haggerty”

At this point in time, since Griffin hasn’t responded to Haggerty (or hasn’t forwarded us his response) we might as well take a swing at this one. Let’s start with her first e-mail, one which is astoundingly hilarious in its authors minute grasp of rational thought, or a basic concept of the U.S. Constitution.

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Officials in the NBA are again criticizing their players–or rather, their players’ sponsors–for their “perpetuation of gun culture”. In a recent Nike ad, Kobe Bryant is quoted as making a reference to gun violence. Even funnier? That the AP story covering it decided to explain to readers what the chamber of a gun is.

Bryant’s blurb says: “I’ll do whatever it takes to win games. I don’t leave anything in the chamber.”

The chamber in a gun is the compartment that holds the bullet before it is fired.

Apparently NBA Commissioner David Stern has already “criticized the ad”. The AP is trying to make some big story out of this as this comes just days after Gilbert Arenas’ suspension for bringing a gun to his locker room. For some reason, it looks like the NBA and its fans are starting to believe that guns are a major problem for NBA players.

What is most interesting to me, however, is the manner in which the situation is being handled. The city of Cleveland declined to have a massive 10-story mural of LeBron James put on a building with the words “Prepare for Combat” below him. The advertisement, most likely for Nike’s Pro Combat line, is based on the premise of the “athlete as a warrior”–a theme most commonly found in football. Indeed, you can’t even watch an episode of ESPN’s NFL Live without hearing “in the trenches” “this guy is a warrior” “he’s ready for battle” or any other myriad of football cliches related to war. But the cliches don’t just stop at football, they extend to other sports–like basketball–as well. The point being, why is there a difference between how football and basketball are treated with regards to meaningless metaphors? (I still find it shocking Cleveland turned down anything LeBron wanted to do)

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Proposed State of Oregon Senate Bill 1018 has a noble cause–stopping drunk driving. Unfortunately, it also carries with it the essence of the nanny state. The bill would allow for police departments all over Oregon to set up roadblocks to catch drunk drivers.

SECTION 1. (1) As used in this section, “sobriety checkpoint” means a roadblock established for the purpose of apprehending persons who are driving while under the influence of intoxicants in violation of ORS 813.010.

Of course, anyone who’s been caught by the EPD in an end-of-the-quarter ticket sting knows that roadblocks like the ones proposed in the bill will inevitably act as a means of guaranteed tax generation. And you best believe that most of the tickets issued won’t be for “issues pertaining to sobriety”. Nay, these roadblocks act as way to nickel-and-dime ordinary citizens (or at the very least, harass them). And what better way to do it? Why have actively patrolling police officers, wasting gas and time when you can just pay a few sheriffs to hang out, let the money come to them and check to make sure everyone has their papers in order?

These laws are the precursors to systems like that of Britain, in which–I kid you not–the roads have “average speed” cameras. They don’t just take a picture of your license plate as you drive by, they actually make you average at or below a set speed between a certain distance.

I’m not sure what the state legislation is thinking on this one. Maybe they were tired of us not paying the toll for driving on the King’s road.

Apparently the Pacifica Forum protesters discussed a rumor that the Oregon Commentator would, “Send 30 or 40 people to protest our protest of the Pacifica Forum.” Looks like they were wrong.

Apathy is a human right.

The AHTF is number one in the hood, G.

My name is… Shake zoola, the megaphone rula

You want to picket? I’ll bring it to ya!

Gridlocked and we on top/Rest assured we’ll call the cops/Black Tea you up next with yo’ knock-knocks

Anti-Hate in your grills, G/Anti-Hate made of sugar, see?

We censor the crowd/We get real loud/Sticks up your ass and lots of shouts from the town

Check, check it/Cause we are the Anti-Hate Team

Make the ASUO say ‘ho!’ and the girlies wanna scream

“Excuse me, Officer, but I’m on a very important phone call.”

Come January 1st the state of Oregon will join its sister to the south, California, in banishing the use of mobile phones for talking and texting while driving. The recent release from the EPD goes like this:

“HB2377 changes ORS 811.507 and specifically prohibits the use of “mobile communications devices” for talking or texting while driving unless the driver meets one of the specific exceptions. The main exceptions to the law are for drivers 18 years of age or over who are using a “hands free accessory,” drivers who are operating a vehicle in the scope of their employment and the vehicle is necessary for the person’s job, and for emergencies.”

Apparently the House isn’t a big fan of Mythbusters (or of common sense) or they’d know that the physical act of talking (holding the phone to your ear) is not the main cause of driver distraction during a phone call. Rather, the mental distraction – the act of talking – is the culprit. It should be noted that the ban on texting is probably more on point, seeing as how most people (except the “talented”) need to physically look at their phone while doing so.

What I am wondering is whether or not the House already knew this fact about cell phone usage in cars. Are they trying to placate enraged voters by passing “some” legislation, even if it doesn’t accurately address the “real” danger? Or are they actually so stupid they think that raising your arm above your waist while driving is too complicated for drivers?

Either way, the phone accessories station at Best Buy is about to get a whole lot busier.

Oh, and we’re all going to look like that guy.

“Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.”

As a lover of all things “jerky” I find vegetarians and vegans impossibly difficult to understand. Lucky for me, there’s some sane people still out there who console my straying conscious back into the right.

In a particularly interesting article written a few days ago, science columnist Natalie Angier wrote about the viability of ethics-based veganism – a topic I’m sure we’re all familiar with given our own geographical location. In her article, Angier noted that vegans often argue the ethical way of consumption is choosing not to eat meat. In the opinion of Angier (and myself), the choice hits a few snags. Angier highlighted the more ridiculous points of the argument:

“Before we cede the entire moral penthouse to “committed vegetarians” and “strong ethical vegans,” we might consider that plants no more aspire to being stir-fried in a wok than a hog aspires to being peppercorn-studded in my Christmas clay pot.”

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I’m not even sure what to do with this one… the upper line reads “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression: this right includes freedom to hold opinions and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media…”

In compliance with that statement, I’ve blacked out the date and time for this event.

You’re welcome.

Sometimes, living in the Pacific Northwest, it’s easy to forget just how loathsome and malignant hipsters are. They are, after all, nearly as ubiquitous as such similarly squishy and useless northwest fixtures as “fog” and “moss” [Fog is not squishy. -ed], not to mention their close namesakes, hippies. We observe with embarrassed disgust these irritating, unimaginative raiders-of-long-dead-pop-culture pedaling around town on their fixed-gear bicycles, frequently sporting absurd facial hair and 1980’s garb — though neon-colored early-1990’s clothing has in recent years begun to creep into “fashion”.

But lest we forget how miserable and, ultimately, brainless and malevolent hipsterism is, one need only take a glance at the sorts of antics International Hipsterdom routinely engages in, specifically the marketing of designer jeans produced in such transgressive, counter-culture places like North Korea. According to the Swedish hipster at the center of all of this:

The idea for the project was born out of curiosity for North Korea, which has grown increasingly isolated in recent years under Western criticism of its human rights record and nuclear ambitions. “The reason we did this was to come closer to a country that was very difficult to get into contact with.” [emphasis added… also, die a painful death of syphilis, or something, you putrid sore]

Frankly, I agree. Damn the West for “isolating” North Korea by “criticizing” its human rights record. I guess when you’ve had the collapse of Enron happen on your soil, you’ve got no place pointing fingers at all those gulags. After all, it isn’t as if North Korea hasn’t walled itself off from the rest of the world since the 1950’s. Then again, no one ever accused hipsters of having any sense of history — unless you’re talking about what sorts of clothes were trendy from about 1978 until sometime in the 1990’s, that is.

Thankfully, it seems like non-hipster factions in Swedish society have come to their senses, refusing to allow shelf-space to so-called “NOKO” branded designer clothes (if you didn’t hate hipsters before, just take a look at the wastes of sperm pictured in the BBC report). At least one of the founders of “NOKO Jeans” admits that North Korea “sometimes treats its citizens terribly.” Huh. You don’t say. Well, it’s a good thing, then, that a gaggle of well-intentioned young lads decided to give it the good old college try and did what they could to fix the situation by… err… peddling North Korean-made clothing at exorbitant prices in Swedish luxury boutiques (the jeans were reputedly slated to be sold for $215). I’m sure that they really would’ve made a difference if the forces of international capital hadn’t forced their wares off the shelves.

The game’s just so loaded, you know?

At any rate, the next time you see some hipster galavanting around campus, cocksure in his faux-Mercury mustache or her unconvincing “nerd-girl” attire, just remember to ask that person if they’d buy the latest, hippest “NOKO” jeans if given the chance. At the very least, it’ll make them feel uncomfortable, defensive, and most importantly, unfashionable. What’s certain is that the those of us who don’t necessarily mind being used as marionettes by the forces of international capital need to take every advantage over this vile sub-species that we can afford, even if it means making them feel that they’re not decked out in the most transgressive and “avant” of duds.

Because that’s the real crime.