I’m currently sitting in a cafe where sales taxes and the cost of shipping things halfway across the Pacific Ocean have conspired in the making of a 16-ounce cup of coffee that tastes like an ashtray and costs $2.20, but whose purchase is essential to my accessing the internet. This is not, as you may have guessed, Eugene. I’m spending the next 20-ish days in Hawai’i, where I grew up and my parents still live. Given the alternative of warm beaches and hiking trails, I wouldn’t be here, but since it is raining and thundering, I’m in here instead to avail myself of the internet. However, expect these to be irregular until I return.

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Fools I pity today: the one whose exuberance on the Reser turf might make him a felon; Oregon University System cheese George Pernsteiner, what with his spending the next couple months as Damocles; Alabama taxpayers, what with the implications of the whole thunderbolt-slinging, zephyr-heeled fraud god Cam Newton thing; myself for being condemned to reading about T.S.Z.H.F.G. Newton every day for the next month; the UO if it doesn’t hire the man pictured below for its new primate-feeding position; those who don’t understand proper primate nutrition if he does; anyone who expects a bunch of UO news during finals week, what with the Emerald going dormant; anyone who tells Mr. T he can have any number of Snickers bars other than exactly as many as he wants.

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Warning: This media digest contains graphic depictions of stethoscope-wielding silver fox John Kitzhaber. The symmetry between a guillotine blade as it plummets and the sharpened creases of his chevron mustache as his teeth grit with bloodlust is not recommended for all readers. Any heads of major university systems in the state are advised to consult their doctors before reading this post. More below.

A Kitzhaber daydream.

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The following image will be on the cover of the Emerald tomorrow. There’s news in the rest of the digest, but really there’s not much else going on in the minds of many at the University of Oregon, even though the damned game happened on Saturday.

Considering I spent the season discovering I really don’t care about college football, maybe I’m not the man to write the gloss on an undefeated football season. With that in mind, I’ll attempt to anyway, lazily pinching off a quote from a different code of the sport altogether:  Football; bloody hell. (No opinion today)

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Image credit: Uri Fintzy

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I felt like devoting a post to this week’s Jackson Long interview. I don’t know who Long is, even though I’ve met most people who have written for campus publications in the last two years. I can only assume, though, that he has some sort of solid-gold connection/compromising photo of a receivers coach/Jedi mind trick that allows him to commune with Oregon Football players, then put their thoughts in the Emerald every week.

This week, he’s got both of the team’s slot receivers, multi-use bulls-eye Lavasier Tuinei and Swiss Army legs Josh Huff talking to him. These interviews are not quite as entertaining as Cliff Harris’ was a couple of weeks ago, and Long needs some new questions, but there are some gems, starting with this dazzling ruby from Huff:

Before I leave here, this is my plan: I don’t want to be known as the football player who played for the Ducks, I want to be that nice guy everyone knows that helps you with your homework.

(I corrected a seeming typo and punctuation error for clarity) I don’t know whether that epitomizes a dry sense of humor or a sincere civic conscience, but I’m charmed one way or the other; aren’t you? If I was writing a thesis about The Illiad or cramming for an organic chemistry final, you know I’d have Huff on the line.

That’s in stark contrast to Tuinei, who mostly seems to be snapping at Long, and uses really weird jargon, at least to someone who doesn’t really care about football like me: “JuCo”? “‘Ship”? OK, Lavasier. But even he can muster a winning tribute to a teammate:

He will put you first before he puts himself first. I talked to him today, he sent me a text message. It was something like: “I played (against Arizona) like I had a burden on my shoulder because I was playing that game for you. I knew I had to win these last games so you (Lavasier) could be back to play in the future.” That touches me. I feel like he is one of my best friends.

And here’s another thing:

What we do is what we love to do —­ play football. What happens on campus has nothing to do with us. I’m not saying it is fair or not fair that we get the Jaqua or new clothes, we just happen to have more support than other people. We do bring in the money and it is helpful to have things like that. Man, you should just take that up with Phil Knight, you ask Phil Knight that tough question. People need to know we work hard for theses things, we bust ourselves for that stuff.

Here’s my look at the two most recent campus magazines: the Insurgent and Emerald Magazine. Expect the end of the term to bring you a couple more: Our holiday issue and, I assume, a new Ethos.

Das Kapital

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Surprise, motherfuckers. I can’t be contained. I was like, “Gee, the responsible thing would be to sleep, wake up tomorrow, write your articles, do your part, dot your ‘ts.'” Then I realized working until almost midnight in a coffeehouse can compromise your ability to sleep, and sometimes you just can’t get to bed without saying your piece.

This one’s going to be truncated though. Forgive me if I can’t be bothered to give two Crispy Ducks about the umpteen Emerald articles today about the new Harry Potter movie. You think I’m kidding about that, don’t you, you fool? Just the bare essentials today.

That means the heady business of how our University is run. Last weekend, UO Matters had a post about how Oregon University System Chancellor George Pernsteiner’s idea of “the principle of shared sacrifice” via furloughs and faculty pay freezes is a 19 percent raise in his contractual compensation. A new column by the Oregonian’s Steve Duin reveals that OUS even released inaccurate figures on his salary to the media, and made his new contract retroactive to July 2008 about a month after Pernsteiner asked employees to take furloughs, although he also took a voluntary pay cut unrelated to his contract.

UO Matters is in one of those moods, predicting the demise of higher education and providing some spine-tingling figures on where a lot of college-educated people end up (hint: think waiters).

Smoking’s going to be banned, too, but you knew that already.

The Emerald has a positive profile of the new public records officer at the UO. Verbano has problems reporting this kind of thing. In my day, the obstacle to reporting on the UO administration was that nobody in the administration would talk to you. Now it’s their opponents. A profile of Denecke can’t be complete if it doesn’t include the fact that the man with whom she does most of her dealing thinks “she was actually hired to prevent the release any public records.” But that man doesn’t go on the record, by name, which I understand and think is justified, but it’s too bad Emerald readers, who aren’t necessarily passionate enough about university governance to follow a blog about it don’t get to read the whole story. Too idealistic of me? Definitely.

Oh, and the ASUO’s decided it doesn’t want my august colleague reading its e-mails. More about that later.

Hi there. If you’re expecting a media digest today, don’t hold your breath.

Much as the idea of putting print content before online content makes my skin crawl, I’ve put so much time into the digests this week that I’ve fallen behind on my actual stories for the magazine. Those, along with sleep will have to take precedence today.

If, once I finish them, I still have time to write a media digest before clocking in to work, I will do it, but there are only so many hours in a day and they are often outnumbered by pesky distractions (making breakfast, doing laundry and dishes, going to the bank). Making a media digest usually takes about four hours, so we’ll see how it all fits together. If I don’t get around to it, the real highlights will appear in Friday’s edition.

Once I start making enough money off journalism to quit my dayjob, you’ll be spared this kind of affront. Maybe I shouldn’t hold my breath for that either.

Today there was a bomb scare, but I want us all to put that behind us, OK? But we should all enjoy an interview with Oregon Football klaxon-voiced gill net Cliff Harris, who is one of the few people of interest to the Eugene media who is unafraid of saying the truth as he sees it. He went to Oregon because he likes green, because “money be green.” That’s fair, in my book. Also, buildings are on the mind today. The pesky “Made in Oregon” sign is changing, and the floor of the Matthew Knight Arena inspires an article worth reading for the first time.

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Unfortunately, today’s collection of links has little to offer beyond a tribute to my good friend Ian Geronimo’s Emerald career so understated (in true Geronimo style) even I would have missed it if I hadn’t mentioned it in this paragraph. I’ve also learned where I might try parking, watched  the Guard’s associate editor missing the fairly obvious, and examined a Guard reporter’s actually-quite-understandable fixation with an Oregon Volleyball player’s teeth. It’s all below the fold. Note: I’m going to try scheduling these for 7 a.m. every day. Let me know if you would prefer a different time.

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The Emerald ran a correction in its print edition today on three errors in its Friday article on OSPIRG. Since it didn’t run online, I’ll reproduce the full text here so we’re on the same page before I go on talking about it.

Because of a reporter’s error, an article in Friday’s Emerald (“Ospirg on a mission to regain favor on campus”) misstated the year of a tax return it referenced. The 2009 tax return listed a $30,811 salary for a health care advocate. The article misstated a transaction between OSPIRG and Environment Oregon and Oregonians for Health. OSPIRG granted $1,633,289 to Environment Oregon and Oregonians for Health. The organization’s tax advocate was contacted before the story’s publication. OSPIRG uses the Internal Revenue Service’s definition of lobbying to maintain their 501(c)(3) tax status, which differs from the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition provided by the Emerald. (emphasis mine)

This last sentence I found distressing for two reasons. The first is that the correction implies that those at the Emerald don’t understand why the ASUO decided to strip Oregon Student Public Interest Research Group’s funding in the first place.

The fact that Oregon Student PIRG is a 501(c)(3) organization means it can receive public funds but not lobby, by the “IRS definition,” which is a false construct by the Emerald, but more on that later. Oregon Student PIRG shares its offices and much of its staff with another organization, Oregon State PIRG. Oregon State PIRG is a 501(c)(4) organization, meaning it cannot receive public funds but can lobby. Its money comes from private donors and its budget dwarfs Oregon Student PIRG’s. Oregon State PIRG and Oregon Student PIRG have the same executive director, David Rosenfeld, although he maintains that he answers to a student board of directors while he is working for Oregon Student PIRG.

The ASUO has refused to fund the student PIRG, basically, because the distinction between it and Oregon State PIRG was too murky for their liking, because Rosenfeld could never prove his running of the student PIRG wasn’t driven by the interests of the state PIRG.

That’s why OSPIRG had its funding taken away. To read a lengthy article arguing, in effect, against OSPIRG’s funding, go here. I’m not necessarily saying I care one way or another about OSPIRG’s funding. I’m just saying the Emerald produced 1,700-word centerpiece article, a propos of not a hell of a lot, about OSPIRG without actually understanding the most important aspect of the OSPIRG issue.

That’s neither here nor there, though. Tax codes are a difficult thing to understand, and I can’t explicitly remember whether I understood that distinction when I was reporting either. I certainly never stated it as explicitly as I did up there.

But the Emerald compounded it with that correction. The Merriam-Webster definition for lobbying and the IRS definition for lobbying are the same. To lobby, by both definitions, is to promote the passage of legislation. A 501(c)(3) organization is legally barred from doing this. Oregon Student PIRG, legally, cannot lobby, merely push issues, not legislation. So saying Oregon Student PIRG lobbies is libelous unless the Emerald can prove it lobbies, considering that repeating the error in snarky fashion almost certainly satisfies the “actual malice” test for libel. And saying it follows the Merriam-Webster definition is a second act of libel. So that’s dicey.

Note: midway through my writing this, the Emerald website stopped working for me, so not all of the articles from today are in here.

Public affairs:

• Salutations: Lariviere’s last pre-surgery act on campus was an event venerating veterans, who have a hard time of it once they get out of the service. (Emerald)
• ASUO: The EMU is booting some student groups from their office to give the new environmental czar a place to sit while its environmental bolsheviks inevitably overthrow it (OC). The ASUO quest to find a piece of graphic detritus that represents it continues (Emerald).
• Jobs: evidently the UO creates them (Register-Guard).
• Bleeding: It turns out Hated Beavers fans care more about blood donation than Oregon Football fans. (KVAL)
• Event scheduling: The UO will rent the Matt Knight out to just about anything. Facilities employee: “We’ll be able to bring in portable ice if we have an ice show. We’ll be able to bring in dirt to bring in things like bullriding.  So there’s a whole variety of things we’ll be able to do in the arena.” (KMTR)

Opinion:

• Jeff Maehl: do you worry there may be a commando out there with the scent of your blood, hiding behind the bushes on the walkways, under the desks in your classes, in the ceilings in the Jaqua Center. Do you see him in your mind’s eye inching toward you on his stomach, rifle slung across his back, pulling his binoculars to his face and grunting deeply as he watches you stand up and leave your sociology lecture. In this case, your fears, it turns out, are well founded, as Emerald columnist Thomas Kyle-Milward discovers. The University actually does pay military cadets to spy on athletes and make sure they attend class. (Emerald)
• Letters: The Guard’s mailbag is full of discussion about tax policy, and one man who wants an “armed revolution” to stop banks.
• Richard Lariviere says guest-lecturing was pretty cool this week. (his official blog)
• Editorials: The Guard lauds Springfield’s new superintendant and cheers for the new park acquisition.
• A student from France is skeptical of the riots in her homeland. (Emerald)
• An activist says of EWEB’s new regulations: “That’s communism!” (Register-Guard)
• Reasons the UO thinks you should give it money this week: After a week of difficult exams, David R. takes a break to sling mud at Cam Newton, then nearly has a heart attack watching the Oregon Football-Hated Golden Bears game; Trafton B. also twisted his stomach over it, and also tours the Matthew Knight Arena; Antonia D. prides herself on a creative choice as her favorite ice cream flavor and thanks various UO functionaries; Katie D. has a group of old friends over and talks to “the youth” about “Avitar.” (UO’s online beggar bowl)

Scene:

• Some music is new! Marching band!
• Emerald pop-anthropologist Andrew Hitz lambastes women with armpit hair (Emerald). And another Emerald reporter debuts a column in which she tries Bikram yoga (Emerald). And the new Denzel Washington vehicle is “thrilling” (Emerald).

Sports:

• Oregon Football: is starting to inspire doubt (Register-Guard); on the Hated Golden Bears’ scheme: “I don’t know what they were doing” (KVAL);
• Oregon Basketball (M): beat the Hated Gauchos this weekend, although it evidently was not pretty (Register-Guard)

In an attempt to reach out to at-risk partiers, the newest public service announcement from the National Health Service is reaching back to our youth for help. It’s not just the subject matter (use condoms) that makes it more fun and controversial than American ads, nor is it the Euro-chic nonchalance toward sex. The best part about it is that it’s essentially a Choose Your Own Adventure. With boobs.

In the vaguely-NSFW interactive video series, which is viewable on YouTube, you play as an unseen male character who is getting ready to go to a party with some friends, and have to make some tough choices about condoms: mostly whether to buy/use them. Depending which choices you make, you might totally get some, bro. Watch out though! Danger lurks around every corner and you might end up in the STD clinic.

The shaky Handycam saves the videos from being titillating, but they’re racy enough that British government officials can’t watch them at work due to porn filters. Predictably, moral-centric organizations like the Family and Educational Trust are complaining that the videos send a bad message to kids, because just saying no isn’t an option.

Norman Wells, the director of the Family and Education Trust, said the NHS should not be sending out the message that casual sex ‘leaves no regrets’.

He said: “It is grossly irresponsible of the NHS to present a graphic portrayal of unbridled lust in which a young woman is depicted as no more that a sex object and then to tell young men that they have ‘made the right choices’ simply because they have used a condom.”

Whether the objectification factor outweighs the message is debatable, but it’s not all sex and glamor. I’m not sure that sitting in an STD clinic being told you have AIDS/crabs/gonorrhea/etc. is really a regret-free outcome, and he leaves out the fact that — as I discovered — it’s entirely possible to cock-block yourself in the video.

Either way, though, if these stand any chance of getting the attention of the at-risk, they should be supported whole-heartedly. And if you disagree, turn to page 69, and a boulder will fall on your head.

Public affairs:

• Antics: First and foremost: a bunch of UO students went down a water slide!!!!! (KEZI)
• OSPIRG: The Emerald’s managing editor Lauren Fox writes a narrative about the recent history of OSPIRG. I think it can basically be summarized thus: “OSPIRG lost its funding at UO two years ago, but still wants to get it back and still pays someone to work on campus to get it. There are questions about Oregon Student PIRG’s relationship with Oregon State PIRG, although the article doesn’t make those entirely clear. Now, with Rousseau and Arora in power, they feel they have more hope. (Emerald)
• Embarrassment, dissected: Based on the fact that UO has risen in the U.S. News and World Report’s rankings, the Seattle Times calls Scott Woodward a liar. (Seattle Times)
• Lore: The UO offers students the chance to learn more than they can handle about Chinese folklore. (Ethos)
• ASUO: Since the ASUO Senate has been telling nominees they don’t have what it takes to be senators, the Emerald attempts to find out just what it takes; or at least that’s how the reporter explained it to me this evening. Takeaway quote: “a future concert, which is being designed to increase general student awareness of ASUO-related activities.” Way to take the fun out of a concert. (Emerald)
• Stodge: Here is an article about theories that does not explain theories. In that respect, it is reminiscent of the KCNA. (Emerald)

Opinion:

• Letters: In the Emerald, a UO student hypothesizes that the smoke-free campus means a campus where smoke is both unrestricted and nonexistent. Guard readers quibble with people and words and wish we were more like Japan.
• Editorials: The Guard is thinking about Washington, D.C., and the deficit; and it applauds the decline of metal thieves.
• UO Matters sneers at a piece of UO-flackery, uses “credibility” and “toilet” in the same sentence to describe UO,
• UO cheese Richard Lariviere shout-outs five veterans attending the UO and also Eugene’s resident war hero Don Malarkey in his official blog.
• A UO student says football’s a way to forget the misfortunes of our age. Panem, you say? And circenses? (Emerald)
• A “policy analyst” advocates a proposal like Lariviere’s, but with trees. (Guard)
• Jay-Z is probably on the devil’s payroll. Or maybe MC Hammer is. An Ethos writer is undecided. Another Ethos writer sees a cynical core in “Mao’s Last Dancer.” (Ethos)
• An Oregon Voice staffer’s mind is now open to the possibilities of Wednesday nights after a recent concert. Another at the Voice misinterprets Javier Mascherano‘s recent surprise appearance at  the UO. (Voice)

Sports:

• Oregon Football: will play its former offensive coordinator this weekend (Register-Guard); faces a team unbeaten at home this weekend, but then again this record includes poor teams (Emerald); is, by consensus between the editors of the Emerald and the Daily Californian, good (Emerald); will field its second-choice running-back, but not its second-choice quarterback if it can help it (Emerald); charging wall Carson York is embarrassed about liking a class with “women” in the name (Emerald); multi-use bulls-eye Lavasier Tuinei’s father was a football player (Emerald); has a cocky player (AP); thinks Steve Prefontaine was a chill bro (AP); will win against the Hated Bears, KVAL thinks (KVAL).
• Oregon Cross-Country: runner Luke Puskedra seems to excite people, despite an iron deficiency (Register-Guard); gets a do-over (heard that one from the Guard yesterday) (Emerald).
• Oregon Basketball (W): will actually be playing a real game against the Hated Wolves Sunday (Emerald, Guard).
• Oregon Basketball (M): will also play games that matter (or possibly “matter”) this weekend (Emerald, Guard).
• Oregon Volleyball: thinks it will probably beat the Hated Beavers this weekend, but finds them “incredibly scary” (Emerald).
• Other football: Andy Drukarev previews the Pac-10 games this weekend (Emerald).
• Emerald sports-whippet Patrick Malee believes in OF (Emerald).