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Primate feeding and nutrition. Media digest, Dec. 8, 2010

Fools I pity today: the one whose exuberance on the Reser turf might make him a felon; Oregon University System cheese George Pernsteiner, what with his spending the next couple months as Damocles; Alabama taxpayers, what with the implications of the whole thunderbolt-slinging, zephyr-heeled fraud god Cam Newton thing; myself for being condemned to reading about T.S.Z.H.F.G. Newton every day for the next month; the UO if it doesn’t hire the man pictured below for its new primate-feeding position; those who don’t understand proper primate nutrition if he does; anyone who expects a bunch of UO news during finals week, what with the Emerald going dormant; anyone who tells Mr. T he can have any number of Snickers bars other than exactly as many as he wants.

Public affairs:

  • Tongues: More Oregon college students are learning foreign ones than had before, especially non-European ones, especially Arabic. Also, 67 UO students are taking Swahili, which is interesting. Probably the fact that they are, you know, required for many degrees now is a factor. That and the euphemism “strategic” appended to the word “Arabic” in the article. (Oregonian)
  • Killjoys: UO cheese Richard Lariviere and vice-cheese Jim Bean don’t want you missing class on account of the football game (Emerald, KMTR). A bitter Oregon State University is trying to get revenge for its loss to Oregon Football by coming down on a kid who burned something in exultation following OF’s victory over OSU’s Hated Beavs. That kind of attitude’s not going to take the Hated Beavs to Glendale, Ariz. It’s a felony, if anyone’s wondering (KMTR, Register-Guard, KEZI, KVAL, Oregonian, Statesman Journal).
  • Admonition: Lariviere? Not a fan of burning mosques. (KVAL)
  • Good fun: Eugene cheese Kitty Piercy is pitting Eugene microbrews against Auburn, Ala., barbecues. It’s a dangerous game (KEZI).
  • Disease-fighting: Ethos is trying to run AIDS out of existence. “This isn’t just a problem that’s in San Francisco or that affects gay men,” a UO student says, attempting to dispel a perception I didn’t know large numbers of people still held (KVAL).
  • Job openings: The UO is hiring an instructor for a “primate feeding and nutrition” class. Presumably that means they’re training people to take care of ______________________ (insert name of least favorite UO employee here). (American Association of Physical Anthropologists).


  • Unfinished business: I missed Emerald opinion cheese Tyree Harris’ column getting reprinted in the Oregonian on Sunday, so I’ll link to it now. The column is very daring and it’s getting a very positive response in its comments section, although unless I’m the one misunderstanding Harris, I think people might be responding positively because they misunderstand his argument. Congratulations to him.
  • Letters: Guard readers have their eye on national issues today: same-sex marriage, tax cuts, government transparency, the national debt.
  • Editorials: The Guard spits on the Eugene Water and Electric Board’s secrecy and shakes its head at both Barack Obama and Congressional Repubs.
  • A guy who bought a chai from the Franklin Dutch Bros. “moments” before the barista allegedly shot an armed robber says kiosks should scrap cash transactions to stop that from happening again (Guard).
  • Reasons the UO thinks you should give it money today: Recently, Katie D. got a newsletter she was happy about and remembered to look after herself. (UO’s online begging bowl)


  • The Guard’s George Schroeder decided thunderbolt-slinging, zephyr-heeled fraud god Cam Newton is the best college football player out there. Sorry scampering gong-tempter LaMike James.
  • Oregon Football: has seven players in the all-Pacific-10 conference team (Register-Guard); crasher-on-the-periphery D.J. Davis made a tribute to a dead Notre Dame student he never knew, which is both unexpectedly touching and strange. I think Emerald sports-lizard Robert Husseman might be responsible (WNDU); will be playing for the Pacific-10 conference’s honor in Glendale, Ariz. (Emerald); is a perpetual love-in for James, iron-tipped gazelle Kenjon Barner and sly-handed whippet Darron Thomas (Emerald); will win the national title, thinks leather lothario John Kitzhaber (KATU); Barner and Hated Tigers player Josh Bynes will be the keys to the Glendale, Ariz., game (Emerald); will take some doing to deal with Newton, especially considering how many hapless, undersized OF defensemen ended the last Rose Bowl skewered on minotaur-in-pads Terelle Pryor’s horns (Register-Guard, Emerald); titan watchdog Jordan Holmes’ hometown is happy with him (Appeal-Democrat).
  • Jerry Allen again (Emerald)
  • Wonder what the Hated Cardinal, Hated Wildcats and Hated Huskies will be up to this Crimbo? (Emerald)

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