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Vice Section Consists Of Paper, Printed Words, Occasional Illustrations, Crushing Sense Of Ennui

The Vice section of the ODE does not please me much, I must confess. I can see absolutely no reason why it needs to exist, except to inform us that senior Jarod [sic?] Courtney isn’t into randomly hooking up with people at bars. (“That’s a bad idea,” he says. “You should go out and chill with your friends.” I hope the Pulitzer committee is paying attention to this.)

The best/worst aspect of it all, though, is the headlines. Seriously, who writes these damn things? They’re always liable to be a bit clunky, and that’s fair enough: deadlines, last-minute rushes, random misspellings – I think we can all feel their pain. But this is ridiculous:

Appeal Of Music Draws Fans, Critics.

Caring For Too Many Pets Can Strain Budget, Sanity.

By this point, I feel as though someone has wrapped the Vice supplement around a brick and is gently knocking it against my forehead. But it continues:

Choice Of Eating Meat Or Not Guided By Taste, Values, Diet.

That’s right, folks: your diet has a undeniable impact on whether or not you eat meat. Jesus Christ. But wait! There’s more!

Cigar Flavors, Sizes Help Relax, Give Buzz.

Debt, Job Difficulties Result From Excessive Gambling.

And so on. Once you read enough of them, it’s impossible to stop:

Word’s Meaning Determined By Context, Definition.

Basketball Game Results In Winning Team, Losing Team.

Students, Others Find Books, Resources At New Public Library.

ASUO Vice President Allegedly Has Mean Right Hook, Uppercut.

More suggestions welcome, perhaps with an eye towards a Nobody piece. Contestants will be judged on number of commas, non-specificity of nouns, and overall lack of semantic content. Bonus points for tautologies a la the meat/diet headline above.

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