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Liv Tyler’s Hair Has Gone Horribly Wrong!

The nominees for Worst Dressed are

Renee Zellweger: for the bow on the ass.

Liv Tyler: for the apparently bulletproof dress, the Lisa Loeb reading glasses, and the aforementioned hair.

Diane Keaton: for dressing up like a fucking mime. You know, Marcel Marceau never won an Oscar, either.

Sandra Bullock: for arranging five hundred feathers and bows into a gigantic wedding cake of irrelevance.

Uma Thurman: for introducing the Glamour Dojo look, plus her inexplicable failure to wear a Kato mask.

Honorable mention: Diane Lane: for what can only be described as a tinsel pretzel obscuring her breasts.

Also, an honorable mention to the many men out there who tried, but failed, to rent a tuxedo without everything going off the fashion rails. When you see the shiny lapels, just turn around and run. Seriously.

And (struggles to open envelope) the winner is – after a lengthy and acrimonious voting process – Uma Thurman. If she had only smacked Billy Crystal upside the head, the costume might have shown itself to have some practical use.

Feel free to cast your own votes; however, the judging panel – many of whom are sleep-deprived and grouchy – have made their decision, and it is final.

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