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OC In Depth: The Emerald After-Party

A Night in the Life of an Alpha-Male

I somehow found myself at the Oregon Daily Emerald’s end-of-the-year bash at my old house on Kincaid St. While enjoying a pleasant conversation with ODE Editor-in-Chief Parker Howell about the role of the paper (a personal note to Parker: I think you may overestimate the paper’s readership, and I have photos from the EMU to prove it), belligerent alpha-male Lucas Calderon interrupted and asked if either of us wrote for the Emerald. My guess is that he was making sure there was someone there to offend before he started speaking. As I have previously stated, Lucas Calderon, the instigator in the “drunken hilarity”, is one of the dumbest people I have ever met, and here is why:

  1. The fight began because Calderon first criticized the Oregon Daily Emerald for trying to tell students that they could not get drunk at football games. After Howell and I refuted this point by clarifying the role of the newspaper (being that the paper’s job is to report on what is going on, and it cannot be held responsible for the administration’s decisions), Calderon moved to a backup argument. I do not know if Calderon thought this next point was more valid, but this is what he insisted: “the newspaper should only write articles about how you can’t make fun of minorities.” I wish I could make this comment seem even more idiotic than it actually was, but I am not blessed with such miraculous writing abilities.
  2. Calderon refused to leave a party where he was everyone’s enemy. Personally, I am usually very conscious of when my presence is unwanted, and at times, I overestimate the level of resentment towards me and just leave anyway. Calderon, however, seems to lack any sort of self-awareness, and perhaps even normal human consciousness. He instead chose to stand in the kitchen and belligerently yell at an encircling crowd of pissed-off party-goers.
  3. Calderon’s lack of normal human reflexes indicate a sub-normal intelligence. Not only did the Corona bottle he threw completely miss Howell, it instead went straight into the back of Catie Hager’s head. Additionally, when Emerald reporter Nicholas Wilbur (who was painted yellow, by the way) pushed Calderon out of the house, Calderon unresponsively flopped out of the door like a rag doll. While some people may point out that alcohol impairs reaction time, they need to keep in mind that although Calderon was drunk, stupidity has a far more detrimental effect on human reflexes.
  4. Calderon followed up his night of wacky antics by faking a phone call to the Eugene police in which he claimed he was sexually harassed at a party. This was probably an amusing gesture on Calderon’s part at the time. However, his phone call is what inspired Hager et al. to call the police themselves. So, without that insignificant little act of revenge, Calderon would not have found himself with felony second-degree assault charges. Brilliant move.

Did I mention that immediately upon arriving at the party, Calderon had me participate in a drinking game in which five people pretty much stood in a circle and pounded cans of Milwaukie’s Best Ice? I can only imagine what the future holds for this up-and-coming History major. Personally, I am going to be watching my back and perhaps wearing a helmet in case any beer bottles are sent my way.

Editor’s Note: The OC was not invited to this party. Our contributor is not a member of the OC or Emerald staff. Our researchers tell us that Negro Modelo bottles make far better projectiles than Corona bottles.

  1. Nick says:

    I didn’t say it. I asked it. But I would like to know the details if anybody has them.

  2. Niedermeyer says:

    Um, guys… if I could direct your attention to the Student Publication Journalist guidelines, it specifically notes that it is way uncool to mention that someone cried and/or needed to have their parents come over.

    That having been said, I need to go change my pants now, having laughed my way to delerious incontinence.


  3. Dallas says:

    Wow…I thought I had a reason to hate the Emerald. P.S. I am in no way affliated w/ Calderon and was formally unaware of his existence before the Commentator’s account of the incident. Goes to show something I learned long ago…never mess with Wilbur.

  4. Evan says:

    Nick said it, not me. I intentionally omitted certain details out of respect. However, I don’t know anything about parents showing up.

  5. Nick says:

    I thought it was very well written, Evan. What’s all this about Parker crying afterward and his parents showing up?

  6. Meghann says:

    Thanks for the additional insight, guys.

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