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Niedermeyer Enters Presidential Race

OC Editor-in-Chief Edward Niedermeyer filed elections paperwork today, entering the already crowded race for ASUO Executive. Speaking at a lonely media event, attended only by this blogger, Niedermeyer outlined the many challenges facing the ASUO, and his plans for the future. “The ASUO needs to check itself,” said Niedermeyer, “because projecting current trends into the future, it appears very much at risk of wrecking itself.”

The centerpiece of Niedermeyer’s campaign is what he terms as “the dire threat of global douchebaggery.” “Transnational douchebaggery presents an existential threat our campus,” Niedermeyer explained, “student leaders must stand up and be counted: they are either with us or against us.” According to Niedermeyer, douchebags are responsible for many of the recent attacks on the dignity of the student body, from Toby Keith’s attendance of the Oklahoma/Oregon game at Autzen this fall, to Ty Schwoeffermann’s column on interracial dating. “Our own student government is complicit in these acts of douchebaggery,” said Niedermeyer, “indeed, I am currently compiling a list of douchebags who have infiltrated our own student government. These douchebags must be smoked out of their Suite 4 offices and brought to justice.”

The Niedermeyer campaign has yet to announce a running mate, and is still in the process of developing its platform. “I am very interested in decreasing the incidental fee, yet there are important issues that will require judicious amounts of student money” said Niedermeyer, when questioned about his commitment to fiscal responsibility. “For example, I think it is crucial for campus diversity to offer drinking fountains that serve Pabst Blue Ribbon as well as Labatt Blue. Yes, it will cost students an extra $3 million to provide this capability, but I think we can all agree that diversity is always good, regardless of the cost… especially given the fact that Canadians are tragically underrepresented on this campus.”

Tolerance was another serious issue for Niedermeyer, and one which also appears to have trumped his longstanding commitment to fiscal responsibility. “It’s important to educate all students about the importance of tolerance,” said Niedermeyer “and make sure they never forget this crucial lesson.” In support of this position, Niedermeyer is considering using student funds to establish “re-education camps” to teach students the importance of tolerance. “We will not stand for students who perpetuate a micro-brew hegemony, and constantly oppress those who find pleasure in the cheaper beers,” Niedermeyer explained, “maybe a few months of hard labor and hard liquor will teach them that all beer is beautiful, whether lovingly hand-crafted or industrially mass-produced.”

  1. […] The Commentator has been running joke candidates for years. Back in the day, one editor, Tamir Kreigel, was elected to Senate and then resigned by being carried out of the room by clowns. Timothy Drier ran a retro-McCarthyite campaign for ASUO exec, and two years ago editor Ted Niedermeyer ran on an anti-douchebag platform. […]

  2. Doomscheissah says:

    I thought Tolerance Camp was going to be where people raised their Alcohol Tolerance. 😀

  3. M says:

    Tolerance Camp = The Office of Institutional Equity and Diversity

  4. Timothy says:

    I said I don’t want to talk about it, Anthony.

  5. Anthony says:

    This comment is a lil late in the discussion, however it needs to be said that Emperor Jones campaign was one of the funniest things I ever saw concerning ASUO politics AND that includes the Maddie and Eddie (sp?) “administration.”

  6. Niedermeyer says:

    Olly is helping me catch up with that this week.

  7. Timothy says:

    My meaning being that you are obviously not killing yourself through sleep deprivation and substance abuse fast enough. SLACKER!

  8. Timothy says:

    If you’re not cynical and aloof, you’re trying too hard.

    And what’s with not working 60 hour weeks? You just need some yellow jackets and some Jaeger my friend.

  9. Niedermeyer says:

    Brandon: Exactly how it was intended. Variety is the spice of life.

  10. Sho says:

    Again, Rennie’s + Olly + Commentator Staff + Shots of Jaeger = cool.

    Again, Hangover + 3 Hours of Sleep + No Coffee + Work != cool.

    When oh when will I ever learn?

    (Even this comment thread cannot avoid drinking humor, and the irony makes me smile.)

  11. Brandon says:

    “…rather than the cynical aloofness of the early 2000

  12. If elected, I will not serve unless I am shitty drunk the entire time… that is, if my liver survives a whole week with Olly in town.

  13. Eneye Seekay says:

    “Oh, and elect me as your President, and I vow to swiftly change my ways, and drink more than ever before.”

    We all know that several people at the Senate meetings attended drunk. Not that you’d have to attend them, but David always seem to think they were pretty funny when he showed up plastered.

  14. Timothy says:

    I thought the tree thing was that night I got kicked out of Buster’s…fuck, man, I don’t even know anymore.

  15. Olly & Sho says:

    We agree. Drinking isn’t funny at all. (falls off chair)

    Seriously. Grow up, people. Act like us. (falls out of window)

  16. Ian says:

    I see what you

  17. T says:

    Addition …

    Tim: I think I always drank more except, perhaps, for that fateful night you slammed into that tree when we were walking home from Rennie’s. Good times.

  18. T says:

    OF COURSE you have to agree with Evan; no one would expect it any other way, David … I mean Goward

  19. Goward says:

    Haha… I have to agree with Evan and most if not all points. As you might know, he calls it as it is, painful as it might be.

  20. Timothy says:

    As one of the official Old Guys (as I did just hit 25, huzzah) it is my solemn duty to inform you that you’ll never be as good as me, that you should publish more, drink more, and in all ways be radder.

    Also, the magazine used to be, like, so much cooler and you kids need to get off of my lawn.

    Oh, and you’re drinking less now that you’re editor? Man, no wonder the kwalitee is in the turlet. So few spelling errors, how do you live with yourself?

    Seriously, though, Evan, if you know anybody who’s on campus still and you think could make the OC better, send them along. Anyone. The OC has never been “exclusive” in the sense of rejecting recruits (with a few notable exceptions), but it can be intimidating because people think that OCers are, like, awesome supermen. Now, they might be right, but the magazine is always looking to recruit other potentially awesome supermen and superladies (superpersons, if you will) to maintain itself. And while I think a sense of history is part of what makes the OC great, the thing that keeps the OC going and relevant is the judgment of the folks on campus and are close to the news.

    As far as OC joke candidates go, at least people will understand Ted’s platform. I got called a racist for running on a McCarthy platform…and I don’t really want to talk about Mr. Jeremy Jones’ campaign, it was a trying time for us all.

  21. Over this entire year as Editor-in-Chief, I’ve drank less than in the average month before getting involved… how’s that for bragging?

    Oh, and elect me as your President, and I vow to swiftly change my ways, and drink more than ever before.

  22. Evan says:

    >Yeah, this part of Evan

  23. Ian says:

    If you remember the glory years of Dreier, Graf, etc, you will recall that there was probably more drinking humor in those days than there is now.

    Yeah, this part of Evan’s argument is particularly nonsensical. The OC’s had significant amounts of drinking humor for a long, long time. It isn’t some new subject that’s just now been broached by this year’s management. It’s an especially silly argument considering that the ASUO coverage this year has been far more extensive than in years past (particularly on the blog).

    The Commentator is a very exclusive publication (I mean that in the best possible way), and can seem very intimidating to those outside the inner circle.

    Well now you see the dilemma Commentator writers and editors face. There are essentially two prevailing tensions that make editing the OC difficult: serious vs. funny articles and insider vs. general public topics. Too many of any one side would make a publication that was either impossible to recruit for or unable to be taken seriously when it mattered. The balance is extremely difficult to pull off, and it certainly changes from year to year.

    I’m sure being an unpaid editor of a student publication must seem like a very easy job, what with only interviewing, writing, editing, layout, blogging, recruiting, managing, and budgeting to take care of. But I think anyone who’s done it for awhile can say that it’s not quite as simple as it looks. This year’s issues have had their problems (as every other year’s has), but I wouldn’t still be writing for the OC if I wasn’t satisfied with the overall quality of the magazine. It’s different, but it’s good. And as long as it complies with the mission statement, good is what matters.

  24. Eneye Seekay says:

    When did everybody turn into a buncha sissies? Saying alcohol is cool… THAT is taking it too far? God help us. This is like the religious nuts and Bushes talking about abortion and gay marriage, issues that cloud the real problems (the real problems being religious nuts and Bushes.) Rhetoric from a few SPARKS drinking pansies about “taking it too far” is clouding much more important issues, like the campus not having a fucking Pabst fountain.

  25. Niedermeyer says:

    Evan- You’ve got two conflicting critiques. One is that we should get rid of the drinking humor, and the other is that we should emulate the “good old days.” If you remember the glory years of Dreier, Graf, etc, you will recall that there was probably more drinking humor in those days than there is now. Furthermore, I’d say our coverage of the ASUO and campus this year puts us more in line with the original OC of the 80’s, rather than the cynical aloofness of the early 2000’s (not that both aren’t perfectly valid interpretations of the OC Mission Statement).

    As far as recruitment goes, you have a point. The fact that the OC is “exclusive” is not based on the Editor choosing to promote or otherwise favor certain writers, but rather is based on contributors kicking ass of their own accord. I didn’t get the Editor’s spot because I was buddies with Ian or Tyler. I got it because I read a shit-ton of back issues, loved them all, and then showed up and worked my ass off to make sure that the rag lived up to the Commentator heritage. Yes, we’ve done some things different this year, yes we’ve been criticized from every side, but it’s been worth it to me. Student politics are changing, demand for the magazine and blog are at recent-memory highs, and I feel like I have nothing to apologize for besides my inability to work 60-hour weeks.

  26. Evan says:

    Ted, those are all very good points. I bet it’s hard to put together a magazine (supposedly) every month, especially when there’s a lack of willing contributors. And yes, it is lame to play the coy middle school girl at the dance. However, as Editor in Chief, I feel you hold the bulk of the responsibility when it comes to pursuing new writers and and encouraging readers to contribute. The Commentator is a very exclusive publication (I mean that in the best possible way), and can seem very intimidating to those outside the inner circle. Contribution would be cool, but I don’t really live in Oregon anymore. I’m one of those lame-O’s who keeps reading anyway.
    And finally, while I understand that the drinking humor is really only a sliver of the magazine’s content, it’s still a sliver that sucks and should be excised anyway.

  27. Niedermeyer says:

    Evan- your criticism is mostly valid, but it only addresses a very small part of what the magazine does. I will admit (as the person who writes 90% of the humor) that our humor has been a bit weak compared to years past, but there’s not a lot I can do about that, considering that I also write an average of 6+ pages of serious content per issue. Also, if you read the Voice recently you’d know that our layout is waaaay better than theirs.

    And yes, Evan, I will give you shit for not doing enough to get involved. Our staff is tiny, and because of this I have to be involved in all areas of the magazine, from blogging to writing the bulk of the serious content, to writing the bulk of the humor, to layout, to you name it. In other words, I’m not really able to hold peoples hands if they want to make the magazine better, nor do I feel like I should, because no one ever held mine. If you understand what the Commentator really is (and I think you do) you should just get involved and start writing, not play the coy girl at the middle school dance. I would love to see more people contributing, especially when it comes to humor, but they need to be able to step up and work independently.

  28. Evan says:

    Andy, “I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again?” Cool isn’t something you obtain by drinking; just ask those kids from the pepsi commercial that was on the Home Alone videocassette before the movie started. Alcohol is just a chemical. CH3CH2OH. That’s it. Anyone can drink it, and everyone does. However, it has no inherent cool factor in itself; it’s as benign as honey and oxygen and beta carotine. Are those things any more or less cool to consume?
    And Doomshackalackah, I used to know what I was getting into when I was reading the mag, because it used to be consistently good (back in the days of Ian Spencer, or Tyler Graf, or Timothy Dreier). Now it reads more like a mixture of bad Onion parodies written by late 90’s Simpsons writers, and it all looks like itwas all laid out by the staff of the Oregon Voice. So yeah, my expectations may be too high, but that’s only because it’s such a potentially good magazine. I suppose I will lower them further in the future, especially if Ted decides to hand the reigns to you.
    Ted, it’s just constructive criticism. If you think I’m wrong, ignore me (however, I’m not wrong, so pay attention). But y’all shouldn’t give me shit for not getting involved, because I tried last summer and no one contacted me after the initial meeting. Waaaa. My life is so hard.

  29. Sho says:

    Well, I do know that Olly + Rennie’s = cool, but hangover + work != cool.

  30. Well, I’m certainly glad this Evan character isn’t running for Executive… I’d hate to have to debate him on these, the crucial issues facing the student body.

    But seriously man, why you gotta be breaking our balls like this? I’m a simple man, the son of a hard-working brewery janitor and an immigrant bong-maker, and I don’t know cool from a can of Camo Ice. Why do we write about drinking you ask? The same reason the Emerald does… to take up space, and to appeal to the all-important freshmen and brain damaged demographics. Why, those two groups alone have elected the past 16 ASUO presidents, and currently comprise about 2/3rds of the ASUO itself.

    We also make unnecessary references to drinking, because not everyone cares about the history of the Rec Center, or Bill Harbaughs critique of the diversity plan, or the latest angry rant about structural inefficiency in the ASUO budget process. I know, I know, everyone in their right minds should be fascinated with this stuff, but this isn’t always the case. So yes, we continue to be highly dependent on sophomoric alcoholic humor… if you don’t like it, write something better for us you lazy assholes! You naysayers! Why don’t you create something?? Fucking naysayers!!

    Um, Axelrod is here… we’re gonna go get high now.

  31. Timothy says:

    I don’t even know what’s going on.

  32. Doomscheissah says:

    T: Then he shouldn’t feel embarrassed, as he knows what he’s getting into when he reads the mag. It’s as simple as that.

  33. daniels says:


    Great platform. I most especially like your stance that tolerance regarding beer choice is essential. You know that I like to enjoy an ice cold budweiser every once in a while. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my Mack and Jack’s, IPA’s, and Hefeweizens, but what if a man wants to save a couple bucks and have a domestic? Does he truly deserve to be ridiculed? Maybe. But it’s good that one person is standing up for the cause.

  34. T says:

    Hey, man, Evan’s a good guy and he likes the mag. Lay off, k?

  35. Doomscheissah says:

    >The reason I say it

  36. Andy says:

    There was no sarcasm in my response. Evan, you may not like some of the more sophomoric jokes in the Commentator, but we have a large breadth of humor – not only the drinking one. Our writers are proud to have their pieces published in our magazine, and our magazine has grown this year in new, exciting ways. All of the content we print is not going to please all of our readers all the time – but if you think we’re way off then come to a weekly meeting and become involved.

    BTW, WTF are you talking about that not drinking in uncool? I’m not saying everyone needs to be an alcoholic, but taking a stance to be 100% sober is uncool. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, but it does mean you’re uncool.

    Cool is not a right everyone is born with, nor is it magically attained through time. Cool must be earned, maintained, and dynamic.

    I’m not trying to be an asshole by saying we drink and produce quality. If anything that should be commended. Everyone at the Commentator drinks for different reasons, but none the less, everyone I have known at the Commentator does drink. Is it a requirement to be a drink to be a writer? Of course not. But is it a requirement to be cool – yes.

    I’m not attacking anyone for not drinking – it’s your life. Who cares if a few alcoholics think you’re uncool for not drinking??

  37. Ford says:

    I’m with Evan. Continual references to drinking can be taken too far, and Andy takes it that far. Sudsy is funny and I don’t have a problem with Ted’s use of beer in his announcement (my econ teachers use beer examples all the time); but Andy’s asshole-ness “We

  38. Evan says:

    That’s my whole point: everyone in college drinks. Why talk about it like it’s some things cool kids do in some exclusive club? I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic when you say that it’s uncool to not drink, Andy, so I’m just going to ignore it.
    And Doomscheissah, I agree that the best things in life are stolen. I also agree that the “we’re cool because we drink” attitude resides only in the minds of the brain-damaged. Do you realize you’re only bolstering my point? The reason I say it’s embarrassing is because, as a fan of the Commentator, I feel embarrassed when a magazine I believe to be the best on campuc makes jokes that really only appeal to high school seniors and college freshman (and primarily those besieged by some sort of brain abnormality, as you said). Or maybe I just feel the embarrassment that the writers should be feeling. I guess I’m just extraordinarily empathetic.

  39. Andy says:

    We’re cool cause we drink and still produce a quality rag….as opposed to the others who drink and produce nothing. And it’s college – if you don’t drink there is something terribly uncool with you.

  40. Doomscheissah says:

    All things in life are stolen from somewhere. Most rock songs have one part stolen from Pachelbel, William Shatner’s hairpiece was stolen from an Oregon State student (beaver is hard to find for some people,) and more examples could be used to follow.

    Also, the whole “we’re cool because we drink” attitude is only in the minds of those who have very little brain left due to whatever brain abnormality besieges them. And who is it embarrassing for? You?!

    Evan, I think maybe you need to visit the office for a session with our counselors. Once you do, maybe then you’ll understand the utter depravity of your life and become just a slight bit more…uhm…prosperous.

    Or you could, in the words of some british petrol traders to Greenpeace organizers: SOD OFF, SWAMPY.

  41. Evan says:

    Oh yeah, and the Tolerance Camp idea is stolen from South Park. And, constantly referencing beer drinking is dictionary-definition douchebaggery. Maybe that was the point (irony?) but I doubt it. The Commentator should really get over this “we’re cool because we drink” attitude. It’s not so much funny and cool as it is pathetic and embarrassing.

  42. Evan says:

    Is this self-referential news article a subtle reference to the days of Nick Wilbur?

  43. Doomscheissah says:

    Are ya Kidding, T? Who do you think is the one who is going to be sentencing people to hard time and hard liquor? The VEEP! That’s who!

  44. Jacque says:

    Ummm…go Ted! or are you going to go by your last name for this campaign? Unfortunately, I can’t support your campaign for tolerance because I personally feel that cheap beer= bad beer. Who wants to settle for bad beer and certainly you aren’t encouraging students at this fine institution to settle are you? We should expect nothing but the best. Period. Long live the microbrews.

    Disclaimer: I don’t REALLY like beer all that much, but don’t tell anyone ok?

  45. T says:

    You don’t need a running mate, honestly.

  46. Doomscheissah says:

    Need a Veep? My number is on the beer napkin.

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