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Sudsy Wants You to Join the Oregon Commentator

Kids, I’m just like you!

I was browsing MSNBC today when I came across this article.

Used to be that the opinion guys from the Emerald were the most annoying writers in the world but this woman, she wins. Just absolutely wins.

Let me share a few lines from her eloquent prose to show-case her talents:

Yeah, you thought it would be Google, right? The search engine that knows when you are sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows when you are working, knows when you’re downloading Polynesian lady men … and well, that’s probably true. But still …

Of all the downloaded books in all the InterWebs, how can it be that these two dystopian classics are the ones that are mysteriously removed. (Beware the two-legged merchants!)

Right here she loses for using the “word” Interwebs and her cheeky parenthetical and the exclamation mark. That’s the second of several exclamation marks. I counted five in total. Five, in one article. I don’t remember who the saying comes from but it goes something like this, “In writing you only have one exclamation point, use it well.” This women not only failed to use it just once but she failed on all accounts in her uses of them.

I’ve got a couple more for you.

In a time when highway signs are hacked to warn motorists against the approaching zombie horde, it’s hard to believe this isn’t yet another brilliant hack. And yet it’s not! Oh I tell ya kids, you can’t make this stuff up. Well, you can. If you’re good. Zombie road sign good. Even if you are, reality beat you to it. And thanks to yet another case of Amazon’s ham-fisted customer service tactics, this story isn’t getting old anytime soon.

It’s like she’s trying to speak my language. My attention span broken by Facebook and Twitter she rapid fires sentences at me. Slowly I succumb to the barrage and wistfully chuckle along with her. Haha, oh you Zombie highway signs you.

That’s right, kids! It’s that same craptastic customer service that lead to Amazon’s great public relations debacle of April 09, when the masses realized that thousands of gay and lesbian titles were missing from the inventory.

Kids? Kids? What? Is she trying to make her audience feel younger by referring to them as kids? I’d award her a point for using the word craptastic in a journalistic setting except it makes her seem even more juvenile.

I remember the “great debacle of April 09.” First, it wasn’t really a debacle. Second, does really deserve to remember in the kind of wording like you would give the Chicago Fire of 1918.

Still, it’s hard to trust a two-time loser that fails to see the irony in its own Orwellian FAIL.

I hate people who say, “FAIL” like she does here. It’s both annoying and intensely stupid. Part of me is deeply saddened by the juxtaposition of George Orwell next to that.

  1. Scott says:

    Betz I’m inclined to agree with you though I do enjoy the Family Guy. I really want to blame Elmo for taking over Sesame Street. Red bastard.

  2. Betz says:

    I blame “Family Guy” … that show alone has shortened the attention spans of millions of kids out there with its random, quirky non-sequiturs.

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