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Man eats ASUO program whole; appointee escapes unscathed.

I fear I can’t write something that will do justice to that ASUO Senate meeting. It was “The Storm on the Sea of Galilee.” It was “Don Quijote.” It was “The Four Seasons.” And I? I am merely William Hung, tuneless, charmless, clueless.

Let’s plunge in anyway at a most unexpected commencement: A surplus request from the Holden Leadership Center. Your typical surplus request is reliably boring: a group requests money and then is granted it, typically with some resistance if there is an off-campus conference involved. I poised my hand above the snooze button of my consciousness. Then John Duncan, the HLC honcho, coiled his body round the Service Learning Program, dislocated his jaw, and requested the Senate’s permission to dine.

The Senate, awestruck by his display of serpentine elasticity, mustered little resistance or even comment on the subject, and so Duncan, with surprising efficiency, swallowed the SLP whole, along with whatever money the ASUO allocates to it. This means, of course, transfers the program to the jurisdiction of Duncan’s stomach, which allows students significantly less oversight into how it spends its money than the Programs Finance Committee, which had previously administered it.

And that acrobatic act of gastronomy was merely the first act in an operatic meeting, about which read more below the fold.

There was another, similar request from the debate team that was defered until next time. Eating something alive was, you see, by then so passe, and also Sen. Hailey Sheldon, presenting for the team, seemed at one point to suggest that a faculty member had been given carte blanche to spend student money.

At this point, Senate President Gower decided it was time to enforce The Rules, which involved denying ASUO President Emma Kallaway the right, ever, under any circumstances, to say anything; yanking the floor away from people in the middle of their speeches; and turning beet red while yelling at the top of his lungs. Despite the fact that these are all policies whom common sense suggests ought either shorten a meeting or make it more entertaining, they in fact prolonged it and made it more painful.

There were then Kallaway appointees to confirm. Cristina Dunning was sentenced to a year on the elections board for being too perky, while Mercedes White Calf, who had presented on behalf of the Black Student Union earlier, told the Senate she thought Athan Papailiou should have been appointed last year, but it patted her on the head and confirmed her as its newest member anyway.

Meanwhile, Xavier Aranda’s daring attempts to escape the ASUO’s pursuit continue. Let’s recap: two weeks ago, Emma Kallaway corralled the coveted CSU East Bay student and dragged him before the Senate. However, Aranda conjured a narrow escape, using the risky tactic of employing telepathy to convince several Senate members that he might not be eligible for confirmation. He even had the elan to look the part, with an affected frown and quivering lip when his ploy worked and the Senate voted to table his confirmation. The Constitution Court then attempted to reel him in, issuing a ruling that stated he could be appointed. Apparently, since then, the dashing Aranda has managed to avoid all contact with the ASUO, even going as far as to refuse to take incoming calls on his cell phone.

So on Wednesday night, the ASUO was forced to admit it may never capture Aranda, grudgingly voting down his confirmation, just within the 15-day period maintained in ASUO rules. However, the Senate did encourage Kallaway to reappoint him, so perhaps the daring saga of this forlorn prisoner is not ended.

I haven’t even discussed the budget benchmarks yet, nor the changes Emma Kallaway is proposing to the Clark Document. Both of those are real biggies I can’t expect to get around to in this post, at this ungodly hour. You’ll just have to wait.

  1. Old Senator says:

    I concur! or wait, i second that Dane:)

    No one has ever been able to make the ASUO sound remotely exciting! In a mad realization, I found myself wanting to be back on senate again just so that I could read these descriptions and understand the authenticity of the words written…

  2. Dane says:

    This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read. Alex your talent was wasted on the Emerald.

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